I would like to begin by saying a proper farewell to my predecessor, the lovely and talented Miss Shirley Rodell-Szyzmyjec. I think I speak for everyone when I say that you will be missed, sweet Shirley. Too bad it had to end like this, and as you are dealing with the physical and emotional repercussions of your decision, don't let anyone make you feel guilty: It's a woman's right to choose.
Longtime fans of Miss Szyzmyjec will have to forgive me if I break from her long-standing traditions by refusing to discuss any of the following topics: the (alleged) compulsive tattooing of John Curley's ass; that perfectly coiffured news personality's (alleged) penchant for pilfering; or Mr. X -- a.k.a. Mr. Y, Mr. Z, and "that trampy news dude" -- (allegedly) exposing his hose in all of those gay bars and sex clubs. Lower-level local television celebrities can be absolutely odious, can't they? -- and I refuse to validate or encourage their egos by leading them to believe they are gossip-worthy. So let's begin.
Following in the footsteps of such "caught with their panties down" notables as George Michael, Pee-wee Herman, and Elton John, the April 6 issue of the venerable Star reports that Kevin "I'm-not-gay-but-have-nothing-against-gay-people, next- question" Spacey (allegedly) celebrated his second Academy Award by slipping the pickle to an unspecified male model in a public park. Although this will, most likely, turn out to be nothing more than an insidious, Internet-driven urban legend (don't you just hate those?), perhaps the persistent rumors will inspire the fey Mr. Spacey to drop the act and prevent further insult to America's intelligence. Neither the Star nor Kevin Spacey's official website, "Spaceyland" (how GAY!), would comment, respond, or acknowledge my existence in any way. Which of course verifies everything.
On a frizzy note, the rudely nicknamed Piggy of MTV's Road Rules fame was spotted at the garishly overstated Pacific Place burger joint Gordon Biersch. The saucy little Aussie was reportedly swilling hooch and making kissy-face with an unspecified male (model?) before slipping off to Pacific Place Cinemas -- perhaps to catch American Beauty, featuring closeted homosexual Kevin Spacey.
Star of film, television, and pain-reliever commercials Tom Skerritt was seen at Capitol Hill's Kingfish Cafe hawking his personal microbrew label, "White Buffalo," autographing the empties (redeemable for one 50-capsule bottle of Aleve at participating retailers), and snarfing crab cakes. Although there were many homosexual men at the Kingfish during Mr. Skerritt's promotional visit, there was reportedly no sign of Kevin Spacey or the unspecified male model.
In non-Spacey related news: Comedian Richard Lewis was spotted purchasing several two-liter bottles of soda at the Roosevelt Plaid Pantry last week, where the giddy, starstruck checkout clerk kept referring to the neurotic, large-haired funnyman as Jerry Lewis (not to fret, darling -- I had to be reminded who Richard Lewis was, too).
And yo yo! Mad phat rappa Method Man and his posse wuz eyeballed keepin' it real at swank Southcenter Mall, playing that proppa new Star Wars video game and signing autographs for all the shorties trying to get they hans on the M-dawg's phat benjamins. Word.
I am watching you. Try to be interesting. Send gossip to adrian@thestranger.com.
