OH! The poems, the sonnets, the epic novels Kathie Lee could write about her most precious progeny, Cody (who was NOT the result of a virgin birth as many have suspected, but sprang from the droopy loins of former football great Frank Gifford). Whether it be finger-painting or pooping into the potty, Kathie Lee proclaims Cody's every action to be an incomparable and absolute marvel -- as poor, bored Reege sits there, chin in hand, rolling his eyes in quiet desperation.
However! There are certain tabloids in this horrible world (The National Examiner) who don't agree that Cody makes li'l baby Jesus look like li'l baby Hitler, and have stated for the record that he is in fact -- a monster! In the February 8 edition, the Examiner reported that 10-year-old Cody has been witnessed pitching temper tantrums of mammoth proportions: throwing spaghetti in fancy Italian restaurants, hurling pastel sweaters across Baby Gap, and experiencing a shrieking nervous breakdown when the latest Britney Spears CD was sold out at Sam Goody.
With a screaming headline stating, "Kathie Lee Wrecking Cody's Life! Pushy Mom's Creating a Monster!" it's little wonder that Cody is now suing the Examiner (with the help of his pushy mom, of course). Naturally, Kathie Lee virulently denies the Examiner's charges of her son being a spoiled little shit, stating the tabloid "falsely depicts Cody as a wanton, willful, and unremorseful destroyer of other people's property."
Now. I certainly don't envy the judge in this case, who will ultimately have to tell Kathie Lee, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but they're right -- Cody is a monster from the deepest pits of Hell." Like it or don't, the fact remains: ALL KIDS ARE, AND SHOULD BE, MONSTERS! I was a monster -- shooting sharpened pencils at my sisters with a dart gun, viciously kicking the mailman, and peeing on the floor of toy stores when I didn't get what I wanted. And while children can often be sweet and kind, we all know this is the exception and NOT the rule.
Sadly, there are many among us who expect kids to come sliding out of their mom's hoo-hoos as pre-packaged mini-adults, to be automatically dressed in Gap clothing, and expected to master social skills their parents have yet to develop. And while swinging a cat over your head by its tail should never be tolerated (sorry, Fluffy!), Kathie Lee should be celebrating Cody's rejection of his mommy's crass materialism, instead of denying it. If Kathie Lee can't handle the thought of raising a rotten, temper-tantrum-throwing, back-talking, disrespectful little punk, she should toss Cody into the orphanage and buy a Cabbage Patch Kid.
(And while we're on the subject, P.S. to my mom: Sorry about that little incident last week in Nordy's. The brown socks will be fine.)
"We Love Rotten Kids!" steve@thestranger.com.
