FIRST OF ALL, in order to slow what will surely develop into a tsunami of negative letters addressed to this column, I would like to say for the record that Oprah Winfrey is practically a goddam saint. Never let it be said that Wm.™ Steven Humphrey is not a lover of women (plus a few other genders, too! Rrrrrowrrrr...), and that Oprah Winfrey in particular is a terrific example of a sistah doin' it for herself, keeping her feet on the ground and her head in the stars, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH. However! When it comes to the dogged pursuit of TRUTH (or unsubstantiated rumor, as the case may be), let it be known that Humpy never plays favorites -- be it man, woman, or chimps in little red jumpers and rollerskates.

That fact being suitably overstated, on to our subject: Oprah Winfrey. As you undoubtedly know, Oprah's talk show has been on since caveman times, and her company, Harpo Inc., has expanded into cable franchises, movie production, and now -- with her new women's tabloid, O -- magazine publishing. As is often the case, success breeds bitter employees, and so it was probably only a matter of time before Oprah's minions began their revolt.

According to the Chicago Tribune, a former producer for Oprah, Elizabeth Coady, attempted to write a tell-all book about the reigning queen of daytime, and had her head metaphorically shoved into a toilet by Oprah's team of metaphorically burly lawyers. Apparently, Ms. Coady had neglected to read the fine print when she signed a confidentiality agreement promising not to talk about Oprah's personal or business affairs... for the rest of her life. Happily, however, this agreement isn't stopping Coady from flapping her trap to the Tribune! "[Harpo is] a company ruled by fear!" Coady proclaimed, with what I imagine to be her finger wagging in the air. "This is not a spiritual place. It's very narcissistic and cynical."

Now. I'm all for the worker's inalienable right to bitch and moan about the company... but C'MON!!! Do you think Kinko's employees are concerned about their bosses' "spirituality"? Can you imagine the dressing room girls at the Gap complaining, "Like, our boss, Chloe? She is sooooo narcissistic." However, this is not to say Ms. Coady has nothing to complain about. Take Oprah's much ballyhooed "Book Club" for example -- it fawking SUCKS!! A bunch of trailer trash ooh-ing and ahh-ing over pieces of poop like that stoopid Sister Ya-Ya book? Hell, after sitting through one of those, I'd rather work for the city's "Tongue-Clean a Crack Addict" program!

AND ANOTHER THING! Who does Oprah think she is with this confidentiality agreement for life crap? I've got at least three unauthorized tell-all books about me in the works, and I couldn't be happier! My ex-wife is writing one called Fawking Asshole: The Wm.™ Steven Humphrey Story, and let me tell you, I'll be the first in line to buy it, because anonymity is for chumps who don't have the GUTS to be famous! Our mistakes are what make us interesting, and if Oprah isn't down with that, she can just spend the rest of her life secretly treating people like crap and boring the shit out of the rest of us with her stoopid Sister Ya-Ya book club!!!

But other than that -- she's a saint.

Hello, God? It's Me, Margaret -- Now, that's a good book! steve@thestranger.com.