One of the primary goals (and guilty pleasures) of IT'S ALL TRUE is to expose the true filthy, spoiled, and mean-spirited natures of the celebrities you adore. And the grand opening of that huge metallic Seattle Center monstrosity that looks like a cancerous something that fell off the Elephant Man's back (or Dr. Laura's face) has unleashed a deluge of stories about those über-filthy, spoiled, and mean-spirited rock stars!
For instance, the rude and nasty Snoop Dogg and Metallica, who taunted, teased, and made snide personal remarks about their poor harried room-service waiter (who assures me he looks nothing like Gilligan, thank-you-very-much), and then cussed him out something fierce just because he forgot to include ice water with their fancypants musicians' room-service order. They think they can just waltz in and start abusing Seattle's beloved hardworking hotel employees? NOT IN MY TOWN!
Or Alanis Morissette, who reportedly ordered--and presumably ate--upwards of six cheeseburgers from Dick's Drive-In on Queen Anne. Thank you India, INDEED! She thinks she can just waltz in and start junking up her filthy rock 'n' roll colon with dead cows and dairy products? NOT IN MY TOWN!
Or how about members of Matchbox Twenty, who skipped out on feeding their parking meter when their pocket-scrounging failed to yield enough change? What? They think they are above getting screwed for parking like everyone else in this Godforsaken, car-choked parking lot known as Seattle? NOT IN MY TOWN! Wretched, wretched rock stars!
Then we have those filthy, spoiled, and mean-spirited professional sports figures! According to The Seattle Times, a Cleveland clothing-store owner has charged Sonic Ruben Patterson of kicking him in the face and breaking his jaw after Patterson accused the poor retail owner of keying the side of his big, fancy, paid-for-with-his-sinful-sports-star-salary car! (Get the whole sordid scoop at the Sooperhoops.net website, http://supersonics.rivals.com.) Wretched, wretched sports stars!
And of course there's always our filthy, spoiled, and mean-spirited TV news people. One of my snitches saw the infamous Jean Enersen of KING 5 News standing alongside N 36th in front of the George and Dragon in Fremont, waiting to jaywalk across the street to her car and doing the PEE PEE DANCE something fierce! What? Little Miss Big Time News Anchor couldn't lower herself enough to set her pristine patooti down on a public toilet OR obey the Washington State Crosswalk Law like everyone else, huh? Wretched, wretched newscasters!
And let's not overlook the lame head of the Washington State Film Board, who was actually bragging recently that she acquired a six-episode replacement TV show for ABC to be shot in Seattle. A paltry, pathetic little six-episode REPLACEMENT show that will probably never even run, and she's BRAGGING? WHAT? Wretched, wretched Washington State Film Board!
So I ask, will we, as a people, tolerate this behavior? Will we allow these uppity celebrities to walk all over us, abuse our room-service waiters, and score free parking? No, I say! I urge my readers to take to the streets in protest! Turn over cars! Smash windows! Loot and burn! Go now, and let us, as a people, never suffer another mean-spirited rock star, jaywalking newscaster, or temperamental basketball player again!
I am watching you. Try to be interesting.
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