MONDAY, JUNE 26 The week begins with one fucked-up story of a man and his dead gay dog. Today the Associated Press reported the sad tale of George Stephens Finley, the Ocala, Florida man sentenced to six months in jail for beating his dog to death. It was last July when 58-year-old Finley stumbled upon his former wife's poodle-Yorkshire terrier mix General Lee mounting a younger male Jack Russell terrier named Bandit. In the nation's first documented case of animal fag-bashing, Finley repeatedly struck General Lee with a plastic vacuum-cleaner wand, fracturing the (neutered) dog's skull before throwing him against a tree trunk; the comatose General Lee was euthanized two hours later. During last week's trial, veterinarian Pauline Knowles testified that the "homosexual activity" that so enraged Mr. Finley wasn't necessarily a sexual act, but rather a common way for one dog to assert dominance over another--a phenomenon George Stephens Finley will certainly become intimately knowledgeable of during his upcoming stint in the Big House.


TUESDAY, JUNE 27 Today every news source in the world reported on scientists' successful deciphering of human DNA (see New Column! in the upper right corner). Meanwhile, The Seattle Times' Science Digest reported on another, equally stunning medical discovery. In the new issue of the journal Nature, scientists from Sheffield, England reveal their findings that female chickens have evolved to be able to post-coitally reject the sperm of undesirable males. This selective barnyard birth control was first noted by the scientists as they witnessed hens willingly mating with high-ranking roosters (those with stock options?) and unwillingly mating with low-ranking ones (those with stock cars?). When forced to mate with a low-life rooster, hens tended to squirt out the sub-par sperm, saving their ovums for more desirable cocks. Last Days finds this "No Scrubs"-styled chicken birth control to be singularly inspired, and hopes those DNA-conquering scientists will set their sights on developing a functional human equivalent.


WEDNESDAY, JUNE 28 Today at the University of Washington Medical Center, a freaked-out physician burst into the office of a top pathologist, whom he fatally shot before turning the gun on himself. The gunman, Dr. Jian Chen, was a man believed to be of Taiwanese origin who had recently received news of his upcoming dismissal. The victim--Dr. Rodger Haggitt--was a world-renowned gastrointestinal pathologist and father of three who helped develop gold-standard treatments for cancer and a variety of other diseases. Today's tragic shooting is but the latest example of a suicidal psycho killing someone else seconds before killing himself--a deeply offensive practice that makes Last Days want to burn things. Come on, wackos--cut out the middle man and off yourselves before you drag innocent others into it. (On a barely discernible "up" note, the newest UW shooting inspired The Seattle Times to recap fascinating UW homicides of years past, including the 1980 incident in which a UW student fatally shot his roommate/homosexual lover to acquire his $500,000 life insurance policy, and the 1984 death of a diabetes-free man killed by an unnecessary insulin injection.)


THURSDAY, JUNE 29 Tonight a whole bunch of lesbians and those who love them packed themselves into the staggeringly glamorous Paramount Theatre to witness the stand-up comedy resurrection of Ellen DeGeneres, whose onstage arrival made the gathered liberals cheer so loudly you'd have thought we'd just received news of the simultaneous deaths of Eminem and John Rocker. With her audience firmly on her side, the beloved Ms. DeG could've simply stood around drooling and received a 45-minute standing ovation. Thankfully, Ellen rose to the occasion, dishing out some good-natured spite, a dash of interpretive dance, a wee too much Oprah-esque spirituality, and a ton of super-funny shit. Unfortunately but unsurprisingly, things took a turn for the much, much worse during the post-show Q&A, which featured, among many other atrocities, a female audience member's proud confession that, 10 years prior, she had somehow sensed Ellen was a lesbian--after seeing a picture of her wearing suspenders. But the highlight/lowlight had to be DeGeneres' response to a slurring questioner: "Someone's had a few drinks," sassed Ellen, to the audience's huge delight. But the laughter stopped when the humiliated man announced that he wasn't drunk--he had a speech impediment. Ellen managed a respectable recovery, but Last Days can only imagine that this faux pas will keep the terminally p.c., chronically people-pleasing DeGeneres in fits of shame for the next 20 years.


FRIDAY, JUNE 30 With all the gay dogs and spermy hens, Last Days has been so busy that only today did we have time to catch up with all the shit going down this week at the Supreme Court. On Monday, the Supremes voted 7-2 to uphold the legendary Miranda ruling, which requires police to inform suspects of their right to remain silent. Civil libertarians--who view Miranda as an indispensable tool of a responsible justice system--were pleased as punch. Law enforcement officials--who view Miranda as a sneaky loophole used by lawyers to help the guilty go free--were pissed as piss. On Wednesday, the Court voted 5-4 to strike down a Nebraska law outlawing partial-birth abortions. The contentious decision could have far-reaching effects in the country, as 30 states have nearly identical anti-abortion laws. The ruling will certainly play a part in the upcoming presidential election: George W. Bush has already announced his hatred of partial-birth abortions, actively setting himself against Al Gore, who, of course, loves to hug and kiss partial-birth abortions. Also on Wednesday, the workaholic court voted 5-4 to uphold the Boy Scouts of America's right to exclude homosexuals, claiming that the group's (hotly contested) status as a private organization grants them the constitutional right to freedom of association under the First Amendment. Gay rights supporters were vociferously opposed to the court's ruling, but Last Days remains uncertain. Sure, it's kinda mean to excommunicate an Eagle Scout just for smooching a boy, but apparently flag-waving conservatives are as protective of their private clubs as homosexuals are of theirs, and the troop leaders don't want gaggles of fags crowding the Boy Scouts any more than gay men want bunches of nuns crowding the halls of Basic Plumbing.


SATURDAY, JULY 1 In the greatest rock tragedy since side two of Celebrity Skin, today eight people were crushed to death during a Pearl Jam performance at a music festival in Copenhagen, Denmark. Perhaps the only people Last Days pities more than the victims are the band members. We feel terrible if a reader gets a paper cut reading our column, and we can only imagine that Pearl Jam feels 10,000 times worse, particularly sensitive Eddie Vedder, who will probably never walk again. (Meanwhile, Last Days attempted to cheer ourselves up by going to see Chicken Run, the single most entertaining feminist/vegetarian manifesto in cinematic history.)


SUNDAY, JULY 2 Today Last Days learned that Walter Matthau died yesterday. R.I.P., Mr. Matthau. You are a grumpy old man no more.

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