I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, but I think the dead can be really annoying. For the longest time, I thought I didn't have to worry about the dead... because, well, they're dead. But apparently the dead aren't as dead as they claim to be, because there are all these movies and TV shows that claim dead people are EVERYWHERE; floating around, spying on the living, and probably making snotty comments to each other about how cool it is to be dead, while the rest of us have to work for a living!

You saw The Sixth Sense, right? That movie about the snot-nosed punk who was oh!--sooooo sensitive about being able to see dead people, yet didn't have the common decency to inform Bruce Willis that he was dead, too? That's like not telling someone his pants are unzipped! Or how about that new movie What Lies Beneath, where Harrison Ford is shtupping his wife... but it's not really his wife because it's actually some dead person living in her body and taking up all the nookie! Now, excuse me, but that ain't right! There's barely enough booty to go around without some dead fucko horning in on the action!

But it's not just movies that are overrun with blabbermouth ghosts--you should check out this new show on the Sci Fi Channel called Crossing over with John Edward (Sun-Thurs, 8 p.m.). Edward is your garden-variety psychic medium, who performs before a live studio audience. After selecting an audience member at random, Edward then delivers a message to that person from (you guessed it) a fawking dead person.

He'll say something like, "I'm seeing a relative with a big mustache. Is that your uncle?" and the audience member will scream, "OMIGOD! OMIGOD! That's Uncle Irwin! What's he want?" And Edward will pause and say, "He wants his 20 bucks, you cheapskate." Okay, they don't really say that, but the actual exchanges are so maudlin and tearful they make me want to burp up my burrito. Naturally, skeptics postulate that Edward is simply guessing some of the rich details he furnishes about the relationship between the dead person and the not-quite-dead audience member, but according to scientific tests, he's right about 70 percent of the time.

The real question, however, is, do I think he's a fake? Well, all I gotta say is, it would be just my dumb luck if he were for real. As we all know, the life I lead is... shall we say... a bit on the morally ambivalent side. So let's say I'm... oh, I don't know... whipping the wild baloney pony in the back seat of an unlocked police cruiser. Now, when I'm doing things like this, can I not expect a modicum of privacy? However, if this John Edward guy is on the level, that means there are probably 37 of my dead relatives (including my recently deceased Cousin Chet, God rest his soul) hanging around, laughing and making jokes whenever I decide to read my meter!

This, my friends, is unacceptable! In my opinion, the living have trouble enough without having to worry about the dead hanging around and making snide remarks about their wee-wees! So listen up, dead people! Either start up a dead bowling league, or do something else with your time rather than spying on me--or when I croak you're gonna find my dead foot up your dead ass! See ya in Hell, fellers.