To the puerile, the ignorant, and the underdeveloped, the word "gossip" conjures visions of vicious, backstabbing old bitches with bright blue hair spreading nasty rumors about their fat-assed neighbors. But to the noble, wise, and spiritually advanced (i.e., me), gossip is a powerful tool of personal, social, and heck, even global transformation. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, and celebrities, politicians, and all their odious ilk are venerated like gods in this sad, soulless little culture. They can (and do) get away with shit that would turn a good Christian's hair white. If it weren't for people like me--the gossips--scrutinizing their every petty, mean-spirited move, the famous and corrupt would rampage unchecked, potentially destroying you and everything you've ever cared about. The behavior of these big-headed beasts must be curbed, and gossip is our greatest weapon.

Take KING 5's sweet and matronly Jean Enersen. Bad behavior from this newscasting badass has choked my inbox from the second I started writing It's All True. This week, I received a report from a well-wishing watcher who recognized Mean Jean at Sea-Tac Airport and approached her for a friendly "howdy do." Well, she says the "matronly sweetie" first rudely ignored the poor fan, and then barked, "Just consider me a private citizen, and leave me alone!" If this wasn't horrible enough, just minutes after I received this airport report, a hysterical young man rushed up to me on Broadway, claiming that Enersen had "accidentally" stepped on his foot--and refused to apologize! She just stuck her haughty little schnoz in the air and sauntered on by. And that's where the power of gossip comes in! I am sure that Ms. Enersen believes she got away scot-free with these ugly episodes of almost despotic cruelty. But here they are: garish and ugly for the entire world to see! So shape up Jean--slap a smile on your pruney puss, and remember, I am watching you!

Next we have Washington State Senator Slade Gorton (who oddly resembles Jean Enersen. Has anyone ever actually seen those two in a room together?). There have been several reports from Slade's Magnolia neighbors that Grouchy Old Gordy allows his spoiled mutt to take king-sized craps in their yards--which he never stoops to scoop! Pooper-scoop laws must be beneath a big, powerful senator, so he just leaves the loads to petrify on his neighbors' grass. Clean up your shit, Slade! I am watching you!

And of course there is Governor Gary Locke. Smiley, amiable little pip-squeak, ain't he? Tell that to his hurt and disillusioned waitress. Although she attempted to be friendly with Governor Locke several times at a recent banquet, the stuck-up elected official wouldn't lower himself to speak to the help, refusing to acknowledge her presence in any way. "My vote counts too, asshole!" lamented the dejected server. Damn right it does, honey! Watch it, Gary. I'm watching you!

And if you were a friend of the richest man in the world, wouldn't you expect him to at least offer to pick up the check? While dining with his wife and two other couples at a moderately priced downtown restaurant, Bill Gates left his companions scribbling on napkins, trying to determine exactly what they owed on the piddly $200 tab! Two hundred bucks is bellybutton lint to this man, and he left his table scrounging for change. Pay up, Bill! I am watching you!

So remember, all you big-headed, limelight-basking bastards, I've got your number. Your days of famous fascism are over.

Send your stunning tales of celebrity wrongdoing to