"So what in the name of bleeding Jesus does this have to do with your biting and sagacious gossip column," you ask? Well. The codger had another dirty little secret that he was just bustin' to share: In San Diego, circa 1983, he placed a sex ad in a trashy alternative newsweekly (imagine!). This ad was answered by none other than (drum roll, please!) Richard Gere. According to the codger, he spent three blissful days violently sodomizing the unmistakable Mr. Gere (who is currently co-starring with Winona Ryder in Autumn in New York, and, of course, gave a fake name) in some impressively imaginative locales (i.e., sinks, showers, and flower boxes). He rudely concluded the tawdry tale with, "And let me tell you, if that gerbil story AIN'T true, it sure as hell COULD be," wink, wink, wink. SO! Is the codger lying? I don't know. Is his story unique? Hell no. Do I believe him? I'm not saying. But! I suffered three nauseating hours of droning codger-breath to bring this story to you, so there it is.
Elsewhere: The talent-free little wanker known as Eminem (yes, I sez you iz) was living up to his true spoiled-brat potential at the official "Up in Smoke" after-party, held at Federal Way's Cafe Arizona, for Christ's sake. Although I would agree with Eminem that the party was indeed "wack" (mini-quiches and store-bought cookies, and ironic little white-bread sandwiches, ha, ha, ha), Little Mr. Grumpy Britches tossed aside the fact that he was paid to attend, and sat in the VIP room for a mere 15 minutes before stomping out for unknown reasons.
In unrelated news: I've been getting countless reports of Late Night host Conan O'Brien tooling about town with his longtime gal pal, who is a Seattle-area native. IAT informants have confirmed that Conan is gigantic (over 6'2''), has a face like a pubescent pizza (rude, RUDE informants!), and drives an ultra-crappy VW Jetta with a smashed-in door and missing hubcaps, even though he can certainly afford quality transportation. Like the train.
I am watching you. Try to be interesting. Send dirty dirty dirt to firstname.lastname@example.org.