This week, Last Days visits its exalted archives to bring forth this "greatest hits" column from exactly 100 years ago, compiled by the tireless Last Days archivist Phil Campbell.
AUGUST 21, 1900 The New York Times reported today that New York Governor Theodore Roosevelt returned to Albany from New York City after conferring with national Republican party boss Mark Hanna. The Times stiffly reported that it was "unable to determine" the true nature of the meeting, but it doesn't take much to guess the foul machinations that these two political bedfellows are planning. Believe us, Hanna is the worst thing that could happen to this great nation since Robert E. Lee. How many other millionaires are going to follow in Hanna's wake, believing that they, too, can use money to bastardize American democracy? If this shameless opportunist's fundraising capabilities proved astounding in the election of 1896, Hanna's ego will undoubtedly push him to even greater heights in this election of 1900. As for Teddy Roosevelt, the country couldn't be more hoodwinked by a more pompous braggart. Roosevelt's sole claim to the vice presidency is that he and his so-called Rough Riders successfully killed a bunch of Spaniards atop some dirty, malaria-ridden little hill in Cuba a couple years ago. And for what? So Roosevelt could live out his childhood fantasies. And does no one but Last Days find it unseemly that Roosevelt used his connections to lobby behind the scenes for a military promotion and the Medal of Honor?
Seattleites! Don't be fooled by Roosevelt or the rich hucksters who pay for his political office! He may, like us, be a fan of the great outdoors, but his brazen nationalism and priggish sense of self-promotion make him horribly suspect, and his actions should be scrutinized at every turn.
AUGUST 22, 1900 A curious item in today's New York Times : A Ms. Molly Belmont had her younger sister arrested in Washington, D.C. for having applied paint to her own face. Ms. Belmont was able to successfully press her disorderly-conduct charges--until she and her sister appeared before a judge, when the court sagely threw the entire case out, declaring that facial painting is an "inalienable right of woman." With favorable decisions like this in the legal system, Last Days predicts that women will soon gain other rights, like the right to vote and make at least 60 percent of what their husbands make in unventilated sweatshops.
AUGUST 23, 1900 The folks of Topeka, Kansas went wild today when William Jennings Bryan accepted the Populist Party's nomination for president. A Hot Tipper informs us that Bryan caused such a stir with his acceptance speech that some of the swooning beauties in the crowd flashed bare ankles at the heartthrob candidate. (Lord have mercy.) Obviously, every sentient being in America loves Bryan, who promotes the silver standard (God's standard, surely) and opposes American imperialism anywhere that evil virus may spread. However, it's sadly obvious that the man is fated to be a hopeless loser for the rest of his life, with the anti-Bryan image-machine once again destroying him, just as it did in 1896. (How can he possibly respond to accusations that he's the Antichrist? He might as well be Catholic.) At least Bryan's political marketing decisions are smarter this time around. The Antichrist has decided NOT to bring back those horrifically tacky dolls from his last losing campaign. Do you remember those naked soap babies with tags reading, "My Papa Will Vote for Bryan"? The boxes they came in looked like coffins, as if the poor things had died from yellow fever. Last Days can only hope that whoever made that grotesque promotional mistake was ruthlessly horsewhipped.
AUGUST 24, 1900 Today the U.S. Census reported that Pittsburg, Pennsylvania has jumped in population by 35 percent--from 238,617 to 321,616--in the past 10 years. Pittsburg, as we all know, is the vanguard of the modern economy. Without Pennsylvania steel, this nation would collapse upon itself like a thousand lust-drunk, ankle-baring William Jennings Bryan fans. Meanwhile, here at home, local officials have a case of Pittsburg envy. Filled with untainted boosterism, local officials are already gloating over the population gains Seattle has made in a decade--from 43,000 to 80,000, thanks mostly to the pipe dreamers, the shameless flim-flam artists, and the ladies of ill repute who flock here in droves every year to cash in on the Klondike gold-rush economy. Eventually, we are told, Seattle will be a world-class city rivaling London or New York, our exhibition halls packed with top-flight art, our streets crowded with listless opium addicts. Last Days cannot wait.
AUGUST 25, 1900 Meanwhile, on the other side of the globe, the Boxer Rebellion in China is still an awful mess. There are multiple reports, each contradicting the next, about peace overtures from Li Hung Chang (recently dubbed "the wily old Chinaman" by The Seattle Daily Times). The only confirmable news is of President McKinley's promise to refrain from sending any more wily old Chinaman-squashing supporters to Peking or Tien-Tsin.
AUGUST 26, 1900 Nothing happened anywhere today.
AUGUST 27, 1900 And now, some news from our Canadian neighbors to the north. Today Vancouver officials continued their campaign to protect the middle and upper classes from contagious disease by turning scores of impoverished Japanese people out of their homes. Following their evictions, the Japanese folks' dirty little shacks were torched to the ground, and Vancouver officials wallowed in the success of their campaign. Quite a switch from last year, when the same health inspectors took on a colony of Irishmen, who not only fought back physically, but also sued in court. The displaced Irish folk eventually lost both battles, and the Vancouver health board learned a valuable lesson: Only pick on those who are without political influence and a solid (if beer-sotten) right hook.
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