MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6 The stupidest week in American history got off
to a fitting start today at Pioneer Square’s OK Hotel, with a hard-rockin’,
crowd-beguilin’, irony-free performance by Corey Feldman. Readers may remember
Feldman as the adolescent star of such ’80s hits as Stand By Me and The
Lost Boys. Tonight Feldman tried to shake off the residue of his ephemeral
teenybopper fame by kickin’ it hard and loud with his lamentably named band the
Truth Movement. Before a crowd of gawkers, Feldman strutted his way through
a set consisting largely of Corey originals, and by all accounts the results were
very, very sad. Aside from the clunky, by-the-numbers alterna-rock that
sent audience members streaming out in droves, there were the tour shirts,
which proclaimed, simply and boldly, “Corey Feldman Rocks!” (easily the
most depressing shirt we’ve seen since 1998, when we spotted a mildly retarded
woman in a natty yellow tank top sporting the heart-rending phrase, “Guess
Who’s 40?”). To add horror to heartbreak, a shirtless Feldman closed his set
with a cover of “Stand By Me.” “It was pathetic,” said an audience member
brave enough to stick it out for the entire show (and drunk enough to leave his
“Corey Feldman Rocks!” shirt in a cab on the way home). “It was as if he didn’t
have a friend in the world,” said another would-be Feldman fan, “someone who might
tell him, ‘Listen, I love you, man. But this is a very, very bad idea.‘”
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 7 Nothing happened today.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8 Today Last Days’ willful ignorance of the jaw-dropping
idiocy surrounding the 2000 presidential election was besieged by
news reports from around the globe, chronicling minute-by-minute the unfolding
scandal in Florida. Bombshells fell every 30 seconds: Confusing “butterfly”
ballots; zillions of miscast votes for Buchanan; yes on a hand count; no on
a hand count; Haitians turned away from the polls; a missing box of votes in
Valencia County; corruption, corruption, corruption. It was enough to make one’s
head spin, and to no avail, as this hideous mess was (and is) unlikely to be
resolved anytime soon; plus, however it works out, we just end up with some
unappealing goober in the White House. So, like all rational people who only
want the best from life, today Last Days turned away from the mind-bending media
bustle, got very, very high, and went to see Charlie’s Angels. (However, later in the week the election hubbub will finally capture our undivided
attention, as the media issues announcements of the presence of a large boil on the side of George W. Bush’s face.)
··Also today: Last Days’ favorite homosexual (after Gore Vidal, Eleanor Roosevelt, and God), Dan Savage, returned from icky, icky Iowa, where a bunch of pig-fucking county prosecutors altered the charge against the doorknob-licking, Republican-caucus-infiltrating sex columnist from felony voter fraud to a misdemeanor charge of voting in a caucus that was not his own. Savage accepted the swap, crushing the dreams of Court TV (who’d hoped to cover the splashy felony trial) but delighting the folks at the League of Women Voters, where Savage will put in 40 hours of punitive community service. Stop by and say hi!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 9 Today Last Days has the supreme displeasure of bringing
you news of the horrifying recent trend of young men raping young retarded
girls. The first story comes from Marietta, Georgia, where police
say that on October 13, more than 20 men and boys (aged 12 to 27) raped
and molested a 13-year-old mentally disabled girl for 12 hours after luring
her off her bicycle and into a partially abandoned apartment building. The Associated
Press reports the crime came to light after the girl (whose mental disability
remains undisclosed) returned home at 4 am and told her mother that “something
had happened to her that shouldn’t have.” Twelve suspects have been arrested
and charged with rape and child molestation. The second story comes from Berkeley,
California, where, on October 25, a 12-year-old developmentally disabled
girl was grabbed, beaten, and sexually assaulted by nine boys, aged 11
to 16. Police say the boys allegedly grabbed the girl on the grounds of the
school where the she takes special education classes, and where all but two
of the boys attend middle school. The Associated Press reports the boys then
took the girl to 11 different locations, including bushes and a shed,
and allegedly took turns assaulting her; police say the girl kept the secret
for two days until her mother got her to talk. Seven of the boys have been arrested,
and police are searching for two more suspects, all of whom face charges of
rape, kidnapping, false imprisonment, and sexual battery.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 10 Here’s something to help wash that yucky gang-rape
taste from your mouth: This week the Hershey Food Corporation announced
its purchase of Nabisco Inc.’s gum and mint businesses for a whopping
$135 million. These businesses include Ice Breakers, Breath Savers
Cool Blasts, and Breath Savers mints, as well as Carefree, Stickfree,
Bubble Yum, and Fruit Stripes gums. “We are excited about the acquisition,”
said Kenneth L. Wolfe, Hershey’s chairman and chief executive. “Ice Breakers
and Cool Blasts are strong players in the fast-growing mini- and full-size intense
mint product lines.”
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 11 Today, in honor of our rightful new vice president,
Joseph Lieberman, Last Days observed the Sabbath, the Jewish holy
day of rest and reflection, which fulfills the third of the Ten Commandments
and forbids observers from performing one stitch of work all day long. However,
in honor of the man who will most likely be our new vice president, Dick
Cheney, at sundown Last Days ate four cheeseburgers and suffered cardiac
arrest.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 12 In a fitting close to the week when American politics
turned into an unprecedented burlesque, Last Days would like to take this time
to write about theater–specifically, good theater (no, not an
oxymoron), on which we positively gorged this week. First up was the Empty
Space, where we took in the preview of Charles Ludlam’s Reverse Psychology,
a so-so play in a good production featuring a knockout, Sean Belyea-directed
performance by Shelley Reynolds, whose role as an innocently mercurial
sex kitten (who gets a rim job onstage, no less!) gives her the chance to prove
she’s the funniest Seattle actress this side of Barbara “Funnier than Shit”
Dirickson. Then it was over to Re-bar for Hedwig and the Angry
Inch, the rock musical starring Nick Garrison and Sarah
Rudinoff and wigs. With its ass-kicking score and hyper-talented
cast, Hedwig‘s off to a smashing start; as it tightens up and burns off
some schtick, it will only get better. Finally, it was up to spooky Sand
Point Naval Base for Printer’s Devil’s Hedda Gabler. In a
smart new adaptation by Paul Willis and the cast, the Devils bring Ibsen’s Dynasty-in-Norway
psycho-melodrama to life in a way that would have given ol’ Henrik himself a
Norwegian woody. Extra credit must go to Tricia Rodley and Heidi Schreck,
both of whom gave exemplary performances in a show packed with good actors.
However, extra, extra credit must go to Ms. Schreck, who, it must
be said, fucking rocked, nailing Ibsen’s entrancing sociopath
brilliantly and perfectly; we can’t imagine anyone doing it any better. If you
like good plays, go see Hedda Gabler (which closes this weekend, so hurry
up).
Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com or phone the 24-hour Hot Tips Hotline at 323-7101 ext. 3113.
