NOW THAT WE have a newly elected president, you need I Love Television™ more than ever. Television is the opiate of the masses, and with that jackass dickhole in the White House, I'm spending the next four years with a TV IV drip stuck in my arm. Oh! And speaking of which, I just bet you're wiggling to find out who won the I Love Television™ Pick Yer Own Prez™ Election™.

As we all know, two weeks ago I ejaculated a hypothesis that television could come up with a better candidate than Gore, Bush, or Nader. (Jeez, a retarded monkey using a chemistry set and a ball of yarn could do better.) Using my vast array of television knowledge, I nominated three perfect candidates so you would have another choice, and not be so depressed come Election Day. Those candidates were:

For the Democratic Party, Optimus Prime, the leader of the Transformers and a "robot in disguise"! Next, for the Republican candidate, Jordan Catalano, Angela's hunky b-friend from My So-Called Life. And representing the Green/Independent/Socialist/Reform/Crackpot Party is Josiah Bartlet, the president on The West Wing.

Happily, this was the largest turnout in I Love Television™ voting history, and the winner by a decisive landslide is Optimus Prime! In fact, he got every single vote except for one (mine), which was cast for Jordan Catalano in a fit of hormonal ecstasy. Unfortunately, as a result of my election, the Green Party looks worse than ever. Think about it! This was Josiah Bartlet, and still nobody would vote for him because he was associated with a party of dope huffers. Word to the wise, Greenies: Get your head in the game and your lips off the bong!

Okay! That being said, let's turn to something even more horrifying than a presidential election--which is the news that next fall, a new show will be heading to your TV screen called Who Wants to Date a Hooters Girl? This half-hour show is a dating game in which eligible bachelors compete to hook up with waitresses from the Hooters restaurant chain. Now, since I Love Television™ readers are known for their exquisite taste in dining establishments, you probably have no fawking idea of what I'm talking about. However, I know all about Hooters--cuz I've actually eaten there!

That's right, I've eaten there, and I can say without reservation that it ranks as one of the most uncomfortable dining experiences of my life. Not only did the waitresses flounce around in ugly Hooters T-shirts tied up around their monstrous fake boobies, but they wore really short shorts with (brace yourself) NUDE PANTYHOSE!! Ewwwww! I mean, it's like serving food wearing a hairnet, except that the hairnet is... you know... DOWN THERE!! Ewwwwww! Ewwwwww! Ewwwwww!

Anyway, I wanted to bring this topic up now while you're still reeling from the election of our crappy new president, because as you can surely tell, things are gonna be ugly for awhile. But buck up campers! Wm.™ Steven Hump-me will be right there with you. So sit down on the couch, hook up those TV IVs, and I'll wake you in four to eight years.