MONDAY, JANUARY 22 Today Reuters reported President Dubya's thrilling first official act in office: chipping away at reproductive freedom by banning federal funds to international family planning groups that support abortion. In case this message was too subtle, thousands of anti-choice lunatics (gathered in D.C. to protest the 28th anniversary of Roe v. Wade) received Dubya's explicit blessings: "We share a great goal--to work toward a day when every child is welcomed in life and protected in law." Last Days will buy that load of malarkey as soon as Dubya and the First Lady permanently welcome a couple dozen malnourished fetal alcohol syndrome babies into the White House.
·· Also today: Reuters reported that Byron De La Beckwith, the unrepentant cracker responsible for assassinating civil rights activist Medgar Evers in 1963, died Sunday night, just hours after complaining of chest pains at the Central Mississippi Correctional Facility, where the 80-year-old was serving a life sentence. Beckwith, who sold shit both as a fertilizer salesman and as an ordained minister for the Christian Identity Movement, will most likely be buried in some crappy hole. Evers was shot in the back as he walked up his driveway. He now lies in Arlington National Cemetery, the traditional resting place for the nation's greatest heroes.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 23 Today the Associated Press reported that the lawyer for Julienne Brunette, the 33-year-old Spokane woman accused of trying to kill her newborn son, predictably proclaimed his client's innocence. On December 20, Brunette was on a 50-minute layover at the Salt Lake City International Airport when she gave birth in the women's bathroom. A bystander rushed into the stall and retrieved the baby from the toilet. Last Days wonders if this is the kind of festive welcome President Dubya has in mind for all our nation's unwanted children.
·· Also today: Reuters reported that Jose Gonzalez, a Mexico City policeman, tried to have himself crucified, while another officer, Humberto Vazquez, literally stitched his own mouth shut to protest their allegedly unlawful dismissals by a corrupt superior officer. Authorities showed up and offered to talk to the burgeoning performance artists only after Vazquez attempted to nail his comrade's palm to a makeshift cross. "We are going to go to the ministry to talk," he said through lips sutured with nylon. "We'll see what happens."
·· And lastly, Last Days is thrilled to report that we've received word on Carla, the giggling hipster chosen to drive a wedge between Punky and Thuggy, our favorite couple on Fox's reality debacle Temptation Island. Hot Tipper Rachelle from Los Angeles e-mailed us with a teasingly tiny scoop: "Hey, Carla is from here. She's in a band in L.A." Anyone who can provide any information on Carla's band, the Chubbies, will receive Last Days' adoration for all time.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 24 Today the Drudge Report gleefully announced that Dubya's administration found the White House trashed by its disgruntled departing tenants. Pesky pranks included removal of the "W" keys from many office keyboards, severed phone lines, scatological messages left on voice mail greetings, overturned desks, filing cabinets glued shut, lewd graffiti on walls, and printer paper randomly interspersed with pornography. Last Days is a tad confused... did these hilarious geeks-vs.-preps shenanigans originally appear in Meatballs III or Meatballs II? We'll have to head over to Scarecrow Video to refresh our memory.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 25 More hilarious hijinks! Today The Washington Times reported that Air Force One was "stripped bare" during Clinton's "official" farewell flight on Inauguration Day. A military steward reported that all of the plane's porcelain china, silverware, salt and pepper shakers, blankets, and pillow cases--most of it bearing the presidential seal--were shamelessly swiped by Clinton's staff. Like our great grandmammy used to say, you can take the liberals out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the liberals.
·· Also today: Last Days had the creepy pleasure of witnessing the meager handful of anti-choice demonstrators (waving lurid posters of what appeared to be beef stroganoff) gathered in front of the KING-5 building on Dexter Avenue yesterday. Curious about what this pedestrian TV station could have done to incite religious wrath, Last Days popped in to chat with station manager Dave Lougee, who oh-so-diplomatically informed us that pro-choice NARAL advertisements were the source of the ire. Though well aware that these fanatics were exercising their constitutional right of assembly, we couldn't resist the impulse to exercise our right to free speech by flipping them the bird.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 26 Today the Associated Press reported the mind-boggling story of William Bartron, the 25-year-old Pennsylvania construction worker who, on Tuesday, accidentally cut off his hand with a miter saw. Worse, instead of scooping up the hand, packing it into a Ziploc baggie full of ice, and waiting patiently for the authorities, the freaked-out Bartron picked up a nail gun and shot a dozen one-inch nails into his head. Thankfully, this human pin cushion was as bad at impromptu euthanasia as he was at carpentry, and the doctors were able to repair the nail holes and stitch the hand back on.
·· Also today: Reuters reported that in the wee hours of January 17, Benjamin Roberts, an 18-year-old employee of the Texas-based fast food chain Whataburger, allegedly rolled up some leafy green (and we're not talking iceberg lettuce here) into a taquito and served it to a uniformed patrolman in a clearly marked cruiser. For his unappreciated breakfast spleef, Roberts was fired and charged with possession and delivery of marijuana, and could face up to six months in jail. "He could see it was a police car," said Lt. George Wintl. "He just thought it was a funny joke." Last Days concurs. It was a funny joke.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 27 Today Reuters reported that a group of American and Italian reproductive scientists announced their intention to clone humans to provide children to infertile couples. (As if there aren't enough unclaimed babies floating around in airport toilets already.) Dr. Panayiotis Zavos of the Andrology Institute of America said, "It's not the easiest thing--you don't want to create a monster." Last Days can only assume this cloning enthusiast was unaware of the irony implicit in his terrifying statement.
·· Also today: Unless you've been buried deep under concrete rubble, you heard that India experienced a devastating earthquake measuring 7.9 on the Richter scale and cutting a swath of destruction across the prosperous state of Gujarat. Returning from a helicopter tour of the region, Narendra Modi, General Secretary of the ruling Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), told Reuters, "I have come to the conclusion that we will cross 13,000 [casualties] in Kutch alone and elsewhere maybe 2,000 more."
SUNDAY, JANUARY 28 Nothing happened today.
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