Editor's note: Upon realizing that I Love Television⢠is celebrating its seventh anniversary, Wm.⢠Steven Humphrey chose to get stinking drunk and not write a column this week (not that this has ever stopped him before). Regardless, you may still enjoy this column from the I Love Television⢠archives, which has been substantially altered to make it look like a new column.
Despite numerous death threats from international religious fanatics and certain members of Congress, I Love Television⢠celebrates its seventh birthday TODAY. But don't think for one millisecond I'm going to squat my sweet and juicy ham down on a pile of self-congratulatory laurels! My loyalties for the past seven years have been, and will remain, in the soft, clammy hands of sexy I Love Television⢠readers such as yourself.
It is your continuing support that allows me to squirt out a brilliantly written column week after week--well, that and a fresh tube of Johnson & Johnson Itchy Bungy Creamâ˘.
However! It has come to my attention that sometimes, many of you don't know what the fawk I'm talking about! So to assist you in deciphering some of the more oblique phrases I often carelessly banter about, I've constructed an I Love Television⢠Glossary of Commonly Used Phrases and Terms⢠to help you understand how my mooshy brainpan works. Enjoy!
Aryan Rat Bastards: a.k.a. Krauts, goose-stepping Jerries, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Refers to anyone of full or partial German descent.
Booshy Moostache: The hairy thing underneath actor Tom Selleck's (Magnum, P.I.) nose.
Bungy: a.k.a. bunghole. The opening at the lower end of the alimentary canal through which solid waste is eliminated from the body. Is sometimes stinky.
Diaper Gravy: A runny version of the solid waste eliminated from the bungy. Is always stinky.
Ex-Mrs. Wm⢠Steven Humphrey: It depends on which one you're talking about, but usually refers to ex-wife number two, who divorced me after a heated argument involving how Aquaman is the worst superhero in the world.
Fawking: Another I Love Televison⢠classic, which is used instead of a far crasser word, because I hold you, the English tongue, and little baby Jesus in such high regard.
Growing Monkey Tails: Pooping. (See also "Diaper Gravy.")
Honey-Baked Ham: a.k.a. My Sweet and Juicy, or Spiral-Cut Honey-Baked Ham. This is my hotsy-totsy tushy, once called "a model of structural perfection" by an MIT squad of engineers.
Monkeys: A subject many refer to as an "unhealthy obsession," though I consider myself a "dedicated enthusiast." I've written no less than 23 columns devoted to monkeys, and still don't know the difference between a gorilla, an ape, and a chimp.
My Therapist: a.k.a. Dr. Quacky, Dr. Quacky McQuack, or Dr. Quacky McProzac. My psychiatrist, who once told me my main problem was that I "needed to get laid." (See "Sexual Coitus.")
Sexual Coitus: a.k.a. "Inserting Tab A into Slot B," "Riding the Wild Baloney Pony" (see "Wild Baloney Pony"), or "Let's rub our privates together and make some gravy." (Do NOT see "Diaper Gravy.")
Swimsuit Area: The other side of the honey-baked ham (see "Honey-Baked Ham"), which you touch before engaging in sexual coitus (see "Sexual Coitus").
Wild Baloney Pony: The hangy-down thing residing in my swimsuit area (see "Swimsuit Area"), opposite the honey-baked ham (see "Honey Baked Ham"), and used during sexual coitus (see "Sexual Coitus"), on which rides are given (see "Riding the Wild Baloney Pony," under "Sexual Coitus").
DAMN! Noah Webster had it TOUGH!
