Let's get something straight: I don't spend countless hours slaving over my computer, drunk on power and Jack Daniel's, watching my sperm count plummet from low-level radiation just so I can crank out some dishonest, bloodless trash. So when I have to write something like, for instance, "Gee, this famous NEWSDUDE was just seen getting his ass-warts removed, har dee har har!" believe me, kitten, it pains me to NO END that I can't just come out and tell you who he is. Yes, yes, blind items suck donkey dick! But I give my readers something called CREDIT FOR INTELLIGENCE, and a quick flip through local channels will quickly provide the clever and curious with all the answers that Washington State LIBEL laws prevent me from just HANDING over on a platter.
While we're on the subject of celebrated newsfags, is anyone out there as absolutely MAD about NorthWest Cable News' scrumptiously fey entertainment reporter Richard Reid as I am? I realize that it has been my usual custom to take a... well... rather gleefully critical stance with Seattle's neurotic lot of newscasters, but you haven't LIVED until you have risen at the buttcrack of dawn to catch one of Richard's delightfully gay eviscerations of current popular film and over-the-top celebrity interviews! Ahhh... methinks I've found a soul mate! And (by the way) if anyone out there happens to be sitting on any delicious rumors about Richard, well... bribery is so tacky, don't you think?
Speaking of neurotic newsfolk, did anyone else manage to catch that absolutely SURREAL moment on Today last week? I was innocently watching telly and enjoying breakfast when WHO should appear in the crowd outside the MSNBC studios in New York, holding one of those dorky homemade signs? None other than my longtime arch nemesis John Curley! Al Roker approached John with, "So, you're from KING TV in Seattle, huh?" and Johnny comes back with, "YES! I am a regional treasure there!" Ovaltine came RIGHT outta my nose. Regional treasure, huh? Wake UP, Johnny... reality is on the phone, and says it's URGENT....
And now that I recently called attention to the fact that Tom Skerritt seemed to have vanished from the face of the earth, everyone has seen him, well, everywhere. So let's have one more sighting and call it good, shall we? "Tyler" spotted the Top Gun/Aleve pain-reliever-commercial star at Supreme in Madrona. Tom "was looking rugged, handsome, and, well, old." You said it, not me, "Tyler."
