And here's something else that really bugs you about me: I've got "sexuality" issues. Am I gay? Ain't I gay? One minute I'm drooling over the lip-smackin' Jennifer Garner of Alias, the next I'm dry-humping the six-pack of Patrick Swayze! It's no wonder you yelp, "For the love of FAWK, Hump! Make up yer freaking mind!"

Well, let me give it to ya straight: I ain't neither. I ain't homo and I ain't hetero, and if you MUST confine me to a little box to make yourself feel better, then simply call me "homero." And nope, I ain't bisexual, either! Bisexuality is for dumbshits who can't make up their minds. At any given moment, I know EXACTLY who I want to bone--for example, 10 minutes ago it was Milla Jovovich, and right about now I'm thinking about running the flagpole up that Apolo Ohno person.

However! There are times when I can even plan my "homeroic" tendencies down to the minute--as will be the case this Friday, March 29, at 8:00 p.m., when a new show will be debuting on CBS called AFP: American Fighter Pilot. Ooooh, great god almighty, I can tell already that the moment that show comes on, I'm gonna up and go gay! Why? Because it's being produced by the master of the homoerotic military flick, Tony Scott!

Yes, it was Tony Scott who brought us Top Gun, the 1986 classic in which Tom "Maverick" Cruise and his very special pal, Anthony "Goose" Edwards, strutted around like roosters in underpants at an Air Force fighter pilot training school. And when they weren't flying around blowing Rooskies out of the sky, they were in the shower having long soulful talks about their fathers, or wiping the sweat off their muscular, shaved chests during a game of ass-slapping beach volleyball.

AND IF I MAY DIGRESS FOR A MOMENT (as if there was any way to stop me), there was no fawking reason for Kelly McGillis to be in that movie! She was one of the flight instructors (snort! Yeah, right!) as well as the romantic interest for Tom Cruise (snort! Yeah, right!). And as it ended up, she only got in the way of those longing glances exchanged between the beautiful blue eyes of Tom Cruise and the pink, hardened nipples of Val Kilmer!

But anyway! My point is that Top Gun sets my crotch on fire (in a good, non-STD way), and I expect the same thing with this new show, AFP: American Fighter Pilot. It's a reality show about three Hunky McHottersons who are vying for the coveted (and highly homoerotic) position of "top gun" at a Florida Air Force Base. And according to the show's director, these slabs of beef are just "normal guys with normal problems who are given the power to take down an airliner--or not--if called upon to do that."

WOW!!! Just think! Boning three Air Force hotties who then turn around and shoot your airliner out of the sky? Sorry, Jennifer Garner, but now I've got enough fantasies to last me for a month!!