Take the cast of 60 Minutes. These people can barely breathe on their own! OH! And that Andy Rooney guy? I'm sure his "Don'tcha think it's annoying when..." brand of humor was a goddam kick in the pantaloons back in Queen Elizabeth's day, but we live in the future, pal! Besides, this old fart is so creaky, the only thing keeping him upright is an IV drip of bile and denture creme!
And speaking of "mandatory retirement," this whole "Bill Clinton getting a talk show" debacle is wedging its way into my bungy. If you haven't heard the poop, the former president recently met with NBC executives, who pitched the idea of Bill hosting a television show--and if that's not crazy enough, his asking price would be $50 MILLION A YEAR! Jumpin' Jesus on a cracker, that's enough to buy my cocaine! For like... two months!!
And even worse? Clinton is actually considering the deal! Now, tell me if I'm wrong, but if this talk show happens... MY GOD, IS IT GOING TO SUCK!! And what kind of style is it gonna be? It can't be a political talk show, because that would create a conflict of interest with anything his Senator wife is involved in. And I hope to god it won't be celebrity-style interviews like the ever-tedious Jay Leno bores us with on The Tonight Show.
I mean, can you imagine that? Let's say actor Ewan McGregor came on Bill's show. Bill would say, "Welcome to the show, Ewan. What have you been doing lately?" and Ewan would say, "Well, Bill, I just finished starring in Star Wars: Attack of the Clones," and then Bill would say, "Well, gee. That's not very interesting, because I was the FREAKING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, ASSHOLE!"
And then he'd toot his stupid saxophone and tell some dumb jokes... maybe do a skit where he dresses up as Osama bin Laden... it's just a bad, bad, HORRIBLE idea! The only kind of show Bill could get away with is the "Jerry Springer style" of talk show. Then he could devote a whole episode to "All the Girls I've Porked." Gennifer would be there, Monica would be there, and when Paula Jones came out, he could yell, "Waitasecond, Paula! I didn't pork you!" And a big fight would break out, and Paula would get her cosmetically altered nose broken by a flying chair.
And that, my friends, is why former President Clinton should not get his own talk show, but rather should follow in the footsteps of past presidents and RETIRE as a worthless nobody. Or if he wants to get really creative, he can fake having Alzheimer's and croak. HEY! Get mad if you want, but if I was stuck at home with Nancy Reagan, I'd do the same thing!