Do you ever suffer from Vietnam flashbacks? Boy, I do... and they fawking suck! And even worse? I didn't even fight in Vietnam! I've never been anywhere near the joint! So I can only imagine how bad the flashbacks are for those who were actually "in the shit," as it were. But I don't mean to take away from the severity of my own Vietnam flashbacks, which are still really, really bad.

A lot of times, when I'm hunkered in the corner of my office, swatting at imaginary flies, and screaming into my imaginary radio something like, "Echo Company! This is Zebra Three! We need ground support! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!" people standing around watching me often wonder, "Huh, that's weird. How can someone who never fought in Vietnam have flashbacks?" Actually, it's very simple. I get my flashbacks from movies about Vietnam.

And while I'd like to say they come from really good movies--like Platoon, Full Metal Jacket, and Apocalypse Now--that's simply not the case. I get my flashbacks from Braddock: Missing in Action III. You know this as the third installment of the series where crusty Vietnam vet Chuck Norris returns to the war-torn country and uses his high-kickin' martial arts chop-socky to rescue his left-behind Asian wife and illegitimate kid. And... I dunno... sometimes when I think about that movie, I just... I just...

"Badda-badda-Pow! Badda-badda-Pow! Take that, you goddam Charlie!... Lin Tan Cang! Where are you? Oh, thank god... now grab little Van Tan Cang and make for the tree line! Get away from my family, you rotten commie bastards!! Badda-badda-Pow!"

Oh. Okay. Now... umm... where was I? Oh, yeah! Flashbacks! So anyway, my original point was that it's bad enough when flashbacks are forced upon you by Chuck Norris, but it's even worse when they're brought about by really bad sitcom stars of the '80s... like ALF! You remember him, right? He was that dumb hairy midget with a pig's nose who lived with the Tanner family after his spaceship crashed into their garage? But instead of actually turning him over to the government (like they should've done to that bitch E.T.), the Tanners let him stay, and were thereafter condemned to suffer his so-called incisive comments about human behavior and shitty jokes about eating the family cat.

And though the show thankfully went off the air in 1990, now the hairy dickhole is trying to make a comeback! Not only is he appearing in two highly annoying "10-10-220" phone commercials, he's currently in development to get his own talk show! Now I'm sorry this knee-high hermaphrodite has been out of work, but there are some things that should just be forgotten... like... like... that damnable WAR!!

"Goddammit, ALF! You've tortured my family long enough!... Van Tan Cang! Blow the bridge! KA-BOOOOM!!... Ha, ha, haaaaa! I'll see you in hell, ALF! And say hello to the Tanners for me! Ha, ha, haaaaa! AHHH! AHHH! Badda-badda-Pow!"