Hello. I am Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, a.k.a. "The Woman's Friend." And while many of you may be thinking, "I BET you're the 'woman's friend,'" I would ask you to please scrub out that dirty, filthy mind. For when I proclaim myself as "The Woman's Friend," I do so with only the most honorable intentions.

For example, in the ladies' room at my office? I often leave behind a box of tampons. And I do this not because I am a big fan of menstruation, but because I am a "male feminist" and staunch supporter of all things vaginal. I don't expect any acknowledgement or medals. I am satisfied when overhearing the gratitude in womens' voices as they say, "Sigh. There goes Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, 'The Woman's Friend.' Boy, that tampon really saved my ass."

But it is not enough for me to rally behind femininininity in everyday life. I feel it is my duty to use my prestige as a columnist to protect the chicks who can't defend themselves. Even imaginary ones, like the Bionic Woman. And while many of you may think a woman who starred in a series canceled over 20 years ago may not need my protection, I would counter, "Shut your fat trap, woman-hater!" It just so happens that the USA Network and the producers of Austin Powers are making a new version of the show set to debut in 2003!

Granted, the new Jaime Sommers will probably have more powers than those two old crappy bionic legs, one stupid bionic arm, and that completely ridiculous bionic ear. However! It's the way she was treated around the workspace that better be improved! Now, you remember that Jaime was "a former tennis pro, and current school teacher" when she wasn't running around kicking ass for the government, right? You remember her boyfriend, the Six Million Dollar Man, was also a secret agent, right? So answer me this: What was his job on the side?

You can't remember, can you? THAT'S BECAUSE THE BIG FAT MISOGYNIST PIG DIDN'T HAVE ANOTHER JOB!! The Six Million Dollar Slob sat around on his fat misogynist ass while the Bionic Woman did TWICE the work for HALF the money!! Oh! And how about toy merchandising? The Six Million Dollar Man doll got a bionic arm with kung fu grip and a "Bionic Transport and Repair Stationcolor="#FF0000">*." But what does the Bionic Woman doll get? A freaking purse and the "Bionic Beauty Saloncolor="#FF0000">*"!!

See?? That ain't right! So to the producers of the new Bionic Woman? You better watch your ass, and treat this Bionic Woman like a lady! And to the lucky actress who will be playing the new (and hopefully improved) Jaime Sommers? You can expect a little surprise in the mail from Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, "The Woman's Friend." That's right... TAMPONS. (And if I can afford it, I'll even get the bionic ones!)