Hey! I'm on vacation this week, so I asked my grandpa Harry Humphrey to write this week's TV column. The only problem? He's old, he's senile, and his column has nothing to do with TV. Enjoy!--Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Heroes come and go, but there was never a greater naval hero than Captain Fellatio Hornblower. Nowadays nobody gives a poot how Hornblower turned countless Spanish frigates into a blizzard of toothpicks. Hell, all you damn kids care about is your noisy rocky-roll and playing "stuff the pecker." Who cares for love? Who cares for chivalry? The great Captain Fellatio Hornblower, that's who!

When the brave Captain transported Lady Barbara Wellesley back to the white cliffs of Dover, did he take advantage of her soft, fleshy white thighs? NO! Though he dreamt nightly of swabbing her deck with his salty, knotted tongue, he remained true to his one-legged mustachioed wife. Why? Chivalry, you knock-kneed horse's ass! CHIVALRY!!

By gum, if the grand Captain Fellatio were alive today, you can bet a sackful of sticky cats I would pull a log 40 acres with my hemorrhoids before I'd ever loan you any money. You'd just use it to buy dope! Or maybe one of them fancy "FM" radios! See, the good old days didn't require two frequencies on a radio. We whipped the tar out of those Jerries TWICE using "AM" radio, and as soon as "FM" came along, everybody was smoking wacky tobaccy while the Viet-Namese tied tin cans to our tails.

See, if Fellatio's crew had ever whined for an FM radio, the engorged Captain would've gone down hard on the men, giving them a firm tongue-lashing until they came around. Satiated, it would then be time for them to fight!

"Yo ho! Four French frigates off the starboard bow!" Captain Hornblower had heard tales of the Frenchies being well versed in technique, and heavily endowed with munitions, but he had never been on the receiving end. "I'll have a taste of these French... one at a time!"

The brave Captain was in fine form, grabbing his thick cannon plunger, thrusting it repeatedly into the muzzle, and firing his weighty payload into the French. Alas, even as Hornblower's men tasted sweet, salty victory dribbling onto their lips, the day was lost when the fourth of the French frigates took advantage from the rear.

After being imprisoned for a year, Fellatio disguised himself as a Dutch customs inspector, and made good his escape. Back in England, he received a hero's welcome, and the giddy news that his one-legged mustachioed wife had died from eating a rancid bowl of dysentery. Captain Fellatio Hornblower immediately wed Lady Barbara, and happily licked her deck clean. THE END.