Special Edition: The FURRIES!!!Furries! Not exactly synonymous with "PLUSHIES" (those weird fuckers who dry-hump their teddy bears), nor to be confused with the "FURIES" (in Greek myth, the daughters of Earth, "conceived from the blood of Uranus,"), the dreaded Furry strikes terror into the hearts of most sane persons.

Actually, that's not exactly true. Furries fetishize those animal/human-hybrid cartoon characters who traditionally resemble hairy Pamela Andersons with squirrel teeth, and they had a four-day extravaganza last week at the Tacoma Sheraton Hotel!

What is my fascination with the Furries? They're the sexual peculiarity du jour, aren't they? And if my particular perversion is to become last month's flavor (as it were), my basic sense of self-preservation dictates that I check out the competition. But I perused the event schedule (www.conifur.org), and... what? PICTIONARY? CARTOONS AND CEREAL? I don't think these people quite get the concept of "sexual deviance." I expected Porking Porky: Give That Noun the Verb! or Sticky Teddy: Turn Your Favorite Childhood Toy into Your Favorite Adult Toy! But no. And once I'd tallied hotel, transportation, and registration costs, travel time, and the fact that, frankly, these people freak me out, I trashed the idea and did what I do best: bribed a hotel employee with promises of fame to do my dirty work and report back! Here's the scoop from "Ms. Anonymous Hotel Worker."

"I haven't seen anything really perverted. But they all look EXACTLY like those 'polyamorous' people who are always on MTV and the talk shows because they are, like, in a three-way marriage. They are creepy in that exact same way."

Moving along...

Have you noticed? When I say, "I'll keep you posted," I never, ever do. My favorite stories that I haven't kept you posted on: formerly angry Steven from Real World Seattle getting heaved into the clink for "joy riding" (the impolite might call it grand theft auto); Dave Matthews moving to Virginia; and, of course, "Does Leslie Miller have ears?" I promised updates on all of these stories!

Don't you wish I would?

Lastly, Elijah Wood was at the Backdoor Ultra Lounge. I don't know why Eli's back in town; maybe it was for the Furry convention. I'll keep you posted.