Hey! What did you dress up as on Halloween? Yeah, yeah, that's real interesting. You wanna know who I was? Omigod, it was SO great! I was "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe"! Actually, I was only "He-Man," because even though I'm a big fan of the cartoon, I'm still not exactly sure who these "Masters of the Universe" people are supposed to be.

But my point is, I looked HOT! I wore red furry boots, a red furry diaper, and a teeny-tiny chest shield that spotlighted my perky nipples. I also wore a yellow pageboy wig that looked super-duper gay, but let me tell you, that didn't stop the chicks from climbing all over me like the bargain table at Saks! I also got drunk and into a lot of trouble, but more on that after I refresh your memory on that hunky pile of meat known as He-Man.

Way back in 1983, the people at Mattel Toy Company developed a Saturday-morning cartoon based on their He-Man action figures. The cartoons became, in effect, 30-minute ads for their toy line, kids went bonkers over the He-Man line of toys, and a legend was born.

Fortunately for us at home, the He-Man cartoon was ridiculously bad and therefore He-larious. He-Man was in actuality Prince Adam, the protector of Castle Grayskull, and lived on the planet of Eternia. Now, on the other side of the planet lived Skeletor, who was a real dick-hole. He wore a hood and had a skeleton face and was always climbing up in Prince Adam's grill. So whenever Skeletor started playing the fool, Prince Adam would whip out his sword, scream "By the Power of Grayskull!!," and all his clothes would fall off (except for his red furry diaper and nipple-exposing chest plate). He'd then become super-strong and proceed to shove Skeletor's bones right up his ass! (Skeletor's ass... not his own.)

And though He-Man only lasted two seasons, it still produced a spin-off called She-Ra: Princess of Power. But get this! Now there's a brand new incarnation of He-Man showing on the Cartoon Network (Mon-Fri, 5:00 p.m.), featuring all your old favorites along with a new line of expensive toys. Long live commerce!

And now back to the party. So anyhoo, I was heavy-duty daddy-macking on this "Sexy Pippi Longstocking" chick, and she was definitely digging my He-Man steez. Suddenly, I hear this voice behind me say, "Hey, dog! Get off my girl!" So I turn around, and it's SKELETOR! (Actually I found out later he was supposed to be the bad guy from Scream, the movie, but like I said... I was drunk.) Well! No skeleton-faced motherfawker is going to tell He-Man what to do!

Long story short, I beat his skeleton ass silly with my plastic sword.

Then Skeletor runs off crying like a goddamn baby to the hostess, telling her to eject me from the party. But they couldn't find me 'cause I was boning his girl Pippi in the broom closet. It's good to be He-Man.