So I was at Club Medusa Halloween night, playing with the tits of a very cute girl that Max had thoughtfully tied up for me (hey there, Bondage Cowgirl!) and thinking how much I like being polyamorous. Polyamory means "many loves," and being polyamorous means you have the freedom to be sexually or emotionally involved with more than one person at a time.

Polyamory is about having multiple loving relationships, but for me, it's also about not having my casual, playful behavior restricted by other people's fear. Being openly polyamorous means that I don't have to repress my sexual thoughts or impulses. I'm lucky enough to have a life in which pretty people routinely flirt with me, and I love knowing that if a sassy pink-haired cowgirl in PVC chaps invites me to slap her ass or squeeze her tits at a Halloween party, I can do that without my partner getting upset.

That hasn't always been the case. I've had relationships where I caved in to a lover's pressure and was completely and reluctantly monogamous. And you know what? My partners still put me through hell with their jealousy and insecurity. Call it Sexual Thought Policing: I was betraying them by even wanting to be sexual with other people, even if I didn't act on the desire. What I learned, finally, is that it's destructive to my self-esteem to be partners with anyone who thinks my sexual feelings are bad and wrong. I believe that some people are hard-wired to be polyamorous, and I'm one of them.

Being poly doesn't mean I disregard my partner. Max and I have a primary relationship, and anything we do outside that is subject to certain rules. We've agreed, for example, that all other relationships are secondary to our relationship. Nonsexual BDSM, or light foreplay, need not be cleared with the other person beforehand--but anything more involved must be discussed first. Telling each other, "Hey, I'm attracted to that person," can sometimes be scary. It's taken a lot of work for each of us to let go of guilt and fears about the other's possible reaction to our poly feelings. But each time Max and I respond to each other positively and without jealousy, it validates our trust and diminishes our fear. Fear can be a lot of fun to play with in a BDSM scene. But it's a lousy foundation for a long-term relationship.

matisse@thestranger.com