Meet My Brother

Sometimes I feel my life would be simpler had I simply sprung, fully formed, from the forehead of David Bowie. But I actually have a rather normal biological family, including one older brother. Therein lies the problem with which I am currently struggling. You see, my brother just moved to Seattle. He's good-looking, he's smart, he's sweet. And he's single.

And, for some inexplicable reason, he's not into BDSM. I can't understand it. Is it genetics? Environment? He must have had some experiences as a child that somehow prevented him from growing up into a kinky pervert like his sister. It seems like a shame. But I love him anyway.

Fond sister that I am, I decided I should introduce my new-in-town brother to some possible dating candidates. After all, I know tons of cute girls--nothing to it, right?

My partner Max was skeptical. "Single, straight, and vanilla? That's going to be tough." "And pretty. And preferably not psychotic," I added. "Now you're really narrowing it down," he said.

I went through my address book. No dice--all the likely girls have either moved in with someone, decided that they're lesbians, or are looking for a serious SM player. Undaunted, I asked some of my friends if they knew any vanilla women. "I know this really hot pre-op tranny girl. She got her breast implants, and she's saving money for, you know, the other surgery. Want me to give her his e-mail address?"

And I thought finding non-kinky dates would be easy. Jesus, no wonder they have stupid TV shows about this.

Meanwhile, my brother is being pretty indulgent with me about the whole thing, including (I think) my writing this column about him, and also putting up a website at He certainly isn't sitting around like he's on the newest season of The Bachelor, waiting for me to serve him up some dates (and a good thing, apparently). But he knows perfectly well it's futile to try to get his little sister to let go of an idea once it has become a personal challenge. So I'm hoping that some cute babe checks out the site and sends him an e-mail, because this vanilla-matchmaking thing is too damn hard. Life's so much easier as a pervert.

Upcoming event: Get naughty with me live at Club Medusa's Mardi Gras Masquerade Ball, Fri Feb 28! Call 448-8887 for more information.