MONDAY, FEBRUARY 24

The week kicks off with a fascinating drug bust in the tiny town of Amanda Park in Washington's Grays Harbor County. According to last week's federal grand jury indictment, that's where four otherwise law-abiding citizens--specifically, Robert McPherson, wife Margaret McPherson, Steven Coggin, and Judy Kreigh--allegedly conspired to operate a mail-order magic mushroom empire. Today's Seattle Times offered details on the shifty business, which operated under the name Psylocybe Fanaticus and advertised its mind-expanding wares on dozens of websites and in ads placed in the drug-culture periodical High Times. According to the Seattle Times, Psylocybe Fanaticus has been under investigation since 1999, when Washington law- enforcement agencies began receiving phone calls from concerned parents whose kids had received packages in the mail from the Amanda Park company. These packages contained syringes loaded with mushroom spores, along with instructions on how the injectable spores could be used to cultivate "magic mushrooms." Containing the hallucinogenic agents psilocybin and psilocin, psychedelic mushrooms are illegal to possess; however, Psylocybe Fanaticus skirted the law by selling only syringes and spores. According to Assistant U.S. Attorney Douglas Whalley, selling mushroom spores is legal, but selling them with the intent of producing hallucinogenic mushrooms is illegal. Unfortunately for the plaintiffs, the aforementioned ads in High Times leave little question about the intent of Psylocybe Fanaticus' spore sales, and last week, all four Amanda Park residents involved in the mail-order business were arrested and charged with conspiracy to sell illegal goods. According to the federal charges, hundreds of the $30 syringe-and-spore kits were sent out from Amanda Park; according to residents, the mail-order business wasn't much of a secret around town, but no one seemed to mind. "They've been great neighbors, really nice people," said an unnamed neighbor to the Times, describing alleged would-be drug lord Robert McPherson as "a gifted jazz musician in his mid-50s" whose cats the neighbor has been feeding since Mr. McPherson's arrest.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 25

Today brought a fresh blast of terror porn, as the Insurance Services Office released its list of the U.S. cities most likely to be attacked by terrorists. According to the Seattle Times, the ISO conducted a complex risk analysis based partly on population and building data, partly on computer catastrophe modeling, and partly on the gut feelings of terrorism experts, eventually concocting a three-tiered ranking system of cities most likely to go boom. According to the ISO's system, the "first-tier" cities--New York, D.C., San Francisco, and Chicago--are 100 times more likely to be hit than the rest of the country, while those on the second tier--Los Angeles, Houston, Philadelphia, and Seattle--are 20 times more likely to be attacked. Implemented to help insurers set rates for terrorism insurance, the ISO's three-tiered system employs a simple mathematical parallel: In a city deemed 20 times more likely to be attacked, premiums for terrorism insurance could run nearly 20 times more. This is of little concern to the common man, for whom terrorism insurance ranks just below mink underpants on the list of life's affordable necessities. However, skyrocketing premiums are a major pain for those looking to cover public landmarks and private businesses, and but a distant dream to a majority of art museums, which, following the priceless destruction of September 11, are no longer eligible for terrorism insurance at any price.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 26

Speaking of terror: Today every law of common sense, public relations, and basic human decency was smashed to pieces as the new album by R. Kelly, the R&B superstar charged with 21 counts of child pornography, sold close to 532,000 copies in its first week, speeding past records by rapper of the moment 50 Cent and recently canonized Grammy saint Norah Jones to claim the number-one slot on Billboard's album chart. In other bad news, R. Kelly's record is titled Chocolate Factory.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 27

Today brought the inevitable but terribly sad death of Mr. Fred Rogers, beloved children's television show host and internationally respected humanist, who died today at age 74 after a bout with stomach cancer. As is often the case in this age of media-ready "preparedness reports," the sadness of Mr. Roger's death was mitigated by the proliferation of impassioned tributes to his life, with eloquent tributes popping up everywhere from Entertainment Tonight to the New York Times. Taken individually, these tributes provide a wealth of interesting facts about the man inside the sweater (did you know Mr. Rogers was a vegetarian and an ordained Presbyterian minister?). Taken together, they form an impressively moving testament to a child advocate who devoted his life to loving and respecting children without once forcing us to watch him defend his loving sleepovers with 12-year-old boys on prime-time TV. Personally, Last Days never passionately purveyed Mr. Rogers' patented brand of somnolent sweetness; in childhood, we preferred the color and wit of Sesame Street, and today, we prefer the concision and inexplicable narcotic effect of Law & Order. However, like Helen Keller and Louis Armstrong, Fred Rogers was a true American original, an unquestionable force for good--and now that he's gone, it's unlikely he'll ever be replaced. And so we turn, as we always do in times of loss, to the words of cellist Yo-Yo Ma, who memorialized his dear friend to the Associated Press: "In real life as in the Neighborhood, Mr. Rogers was an extraordinary man. Through music and stories, his caring and wisdom transcended every barrier; his advocacy for children was truly an advocacy for the human race."

··In much stupider news: Today in the Philippines, a man cut off his penis and threw it at his wife. "So you will not suspect I am courting another girl," the man hollered (according to the Philippine Star), tossing his newspaper-wrapped wiener to his wife before "hobbling off into the night." The wife gave the penis to police, and the police gave it to an embalmer, who placed it in a preservative, where it will remain pending reattachment.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 28

Speaking of people doing ridiculous things with knives: Today London's Evening Standard reported on the 16-year-old Irish girl who, if all goes as planned, will become the world's first recipient of a motherfucking face transplant. Burned badly as a baby, Lena Marie Murphy is slated to become the first patient in history to receive the face of a dead donor, in a groundbreaking surgery that involves "degloving" the donor's face from a four-hour-old corpse, then grafting it onto the recipient (whose own top layer of facial skin has been removed). According to the Evening Standard, the surgery will be performed "within months" by Dr. Peter Butler at London's Royal Free Hospital, pending the British board of ethics' approval and Lena Murphy's completion of the Irish equivalent of the SAT. (Best of luck to Ms. Murphy on the exam and with her new face.)

SATURDAY, MARCH 1

Nothing happened today (unless you count the U.S. government's capture of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the alleged "September 11 mastermind" whose arrest marks the greatest (first?) victory in the United States' 18-month, $65 billion war on terror. Upon his arrest in Pakistan, the $65 billion man was taken by U.S. authorities to "an undisclosed location"--which everyone knows is government code for Arby's).

SUNDAY, MARCH 2

Nothing happened today.

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