Boy, if I were Jesus I would be pissed! What the hell happened to Easter? I remember when Easter was one of the big dogs of holidays, and was celebrated as such with tons of Jesus-y TV specials and creepy Easter Bunny cartoonies. In fact, I was psyched to give a tip o' the hat to the Son O' God, with a complete lineup of Easterfied TV offerings. But as it turns out? There ain't JACK CRAP. After searching the entire schedule, this is the best I could come up with on Easter Sunday....
CADDYSHACK (FX, Noon) What does this 1980 sex romp set on a golf course starring Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, and a dancing gopher have to do with Easter? Fawk if I know! Maybe FX thinks our Lord rising from the dead is synonymous with Rodney Dangerfield yelling, "Hey everybody! We're all gonna get laid!"
EASTER SWEETS WITH JACQUES TORRES (FOOD, 1:00 pm) Oh, you gotta be kidding me!! If there's anybody who hates the French more than the U.S., it's Jesus!!
STIGMATA: WOUNDS OF MYSTERY (DSC, 2:00 pm) Okay, this is more like it. I can totally imagine Jesus looking at the nail wounds in his hands and saying, "Dude... what is up with these holes? I gotta see a doctor about this...."
INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (SCI FI, 5:00 pm) I'm telling you, those geeks over at the Sci Fi network are nothing but a bunch of four-eyed ATHEISTS! This is their way of insinuating our Lord was actually resurrected by some gooey alien who zombifies Jesus and makes him walk around, pointing at people and going, "AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!"
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS (ABC, 7:00 pm) For this they bumped Alias? I'm sorry, but Jesus does not approve. For one thing, this is EASTER, not "Moses Day." Secondly, it stars Charlton Heston, and this is EASTER, not "NRA Day." And thirdly, I'm pretty sure Jesus would much rather kick back with a beer and watch Jennifer Garner strut around in her underpants. C'mon! Hasn't He been through enough??
And that's it. These are the only shows celebrating the joyous holiday that divides its time equally between remembering a vicious murder and decorating hard-boiled eggs. What's up with that? The only thing I can figure is that Easter needs to fire its publicist! What's this asshole doing all day long, anyhow? You can't change the channel without seeing a goddamn infomercial for Bowflex, but they can't show ONE freakin' creepy Easter Bunny cartoonie? That's FAWKED.
The only thing I can figure is that Easter has too many things going on. You can't have an anthropomorphized bunny, colored eggs, Marshmallow Peeps, AND a religious figure being hung up like a shower rack all on the same day! Maybe get rid of the crucifixion thingy. HEY! Get mad if you want, but why do you think they added the rabbit and eggs in the first place? Crucifixion is a DOWNER. So lose the cross-bloody-palms stuff, keep the bunny and the Peeps, and next year you can expect a very special Easter episode of Alias featuring Jennifer Garner in hippity-hoppy powder-puff underpants.