Rawrrrr! Me Am MAN!!

You know if there's one thing I can't get enough of, it's MAN-STUFF. That's right, I dig anything that has to do with manly, he-male things. And for those who may be less than manly (as in "fe-maley"), here is an abridged list of man-ful testosteronish things that real MEN love: football, banging chicks, drinking brew, scratching, he-male ass-slapping, titties, laughing astonishingly loud, spitting, war, eating four-day-old pizza, staining our underpants, saying dumb things at inappropriate times, porno mags, killing animals, jet skis, circle jerks, muscle cars, fistfights, sailors, kicking Nazis in the nuts, and squeezing our crotch while yelling, "Who wants a piece of this?!?"

And we also like TV.

But! Doesn't it tie your girthy penis in a knot when there aren't any networks solely devoted to hairy, perspiring He-Jocks like us? Well, now we're in luck, because the failing TNN cable network is switching over to all-man programming, and renaming itself "Spike"--which is just so manly and brutish it makes me want to squirt in my pleated cargo shorts... in a macho way, of course.

Oh, sure... one might say, "Burrrrrrrrp. But Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me, isn't there already plenty of manly channels like ESPN?" To which I would reply, "Burrrrrrrrp. Yes. However! If you consult the above list, you will notice that ESPN only covers one of the things [sports] us manly mannish men love. Where are the shows about male fashion? Where are the shows about male fitness? Where are the shows about male circle jerks?"

All of these questions (with the possible exception of the last one) will be answered by Spike. But they also have other programs, including ones about the latest high-tech gadgets, guys who start their own businesses, and a relationship show from the makers of Stuff (because who knows more about relationships than the magazine that penned the article "Increasing the Size of Your Dong"?).

Plus they'll be capitalizing on our inherent arrested development by creating new MAN- specific cartoons. These will include the boobie-rific Pamela Anderson in Striperella, and a brand-spanking-new adult version of Ren and Stimpy!

But what's really great about this new network is its virile, cocksure attitude. Unlike those FE-maley networks such as Lifetime, Oxygen, and WE, the president of Spike is saying, "We'll be unapologetically male." YAHHHHHHHHH. I fawking like that in a network, because it really pisses me off whenever I see Animal Planet apologizing! "Ohhhh, boo-hoo-hoo! Here's another show about marsupials." Goddam pansies.

The new Spike network debuts on June 16 (which, correct me if I'm wrong, falls on the same date as National Complain About Women Day... or is that the annual Million Macho Shithead March?). Regardless, after years of watching femaley types get whatever they ask for--except, of course, comparative wages--it's about goddam time the networks recognize that us mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, butt-burping MEN have feelings, too! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a circle that needs jerking.