Let's face facts: Mother Nature is one wacky lady. For some, she's a cruel mistress, bestowing upon their shoulders a head full of ugly. For others, she's a generous deity, granting them beautiful faces, wavy hair, and bodies designed to make a preacher kick a hole through a stained-glass window. Sure, I fall into the latter category--but I'm also doubly blessed. Because sweet Mama Nature not only gave me a honey-baked ham that can make a librarian pop off in her underpants, she also laid upon my brainpan the gift of psychic phenomenon. That's right, baby. I got the ESP (Extremely Sensory Perceptiveness).
But before we continue, perhaps you should scratch your bottom. "Whu-Whu-WHAAAAA?" I hear you squeal. "But Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me, how did you ascertain that my bottom itches?" Done told you, baby! I can see the future! (That, and my writing always seems to make people itchy in their nether regions.) But don't worry; I only use my abilities for morally righteous reasons--like putting a wad of dough in my wallet. For example, just a couple of weeks ago, I won FIVE WHOLE DOLLARS for correctly predicting that Ruben Studdard would win the American Idol competition, over that Dumbo-eared freak Clay Aiken--whose bottom is also itching right... about... NOW.
What's this? I'm now extremely perceptively sensing that a few of you are scoffing at my powers. That you feel I'm full of "phony-baloney" and "use the power of suggestion to make people's bottoms itch." Well, first of all, the reason your bottom itches is because you refuse to keep it tidy, and there's a regiment of cooties down there hosting free tap-dance lessons. Second, I'm more than willing to prove my psychic abilities by predicting something of a TV-related nature. For example, I sense you have been worrying about the fate of your favorite characters at the conclusion of their cliffhanging season finales. Well... worry no longer. Why? Because SWAMI STEVE knows all!
Alias (ABC)--In the season finale, Sydney kicked the ever-lovin' shit out of her evil clone roomie, Francie, before falling unconscious. But then she woke up in Hong Kong to find that two years had passed and her boyfriend had married someone else! Ka-BOING! Wha' happened?? MY PREDICTION: The same people who cloned Francie captured Sydney, and spent two years creating an evil lesbian version of the hot superspy! This leads to the inevitable confrontation where the two Sydneys fight, fall in love, and spend an entire episode making out. SO SHALL I PREDICT; SO SHALL IT BE.
The West Wing (NBC)--President Bartlet's daughter Zoe gets kidnapped! MY PREDICTION: Zoe faked her own kidnapping and joined up with a band of hot lesbian freedom fighters in Rwanda. SO SHALL I PREDICT; SO SHALL IT BE.
24 (FOX)--After stopping World War III, Jack Bauer gets carted off to the hospital. Meanwhile, President Palmer gets slipped a germ-warfare mickey and collapses! MY PREDICTION: It turns out that Palmer has an incurable case of the "crack itch" and he'll die unless Jack scratches his booty for 24 hours! (And I believe there's a hot lesbian in there somewhere....)