Poor You? Poor ME!

Fate. She is indeed a cruel mistress. And since my destiny is a cruel one, today's topic will be on the subject of "cruelty" itself. There are those among you who label me as "cruel" for my views on foreigners (in particular Canadians and Krauts), dope-huffing hippies, and my so-called "cruel" sexual practices. I hear you say, "OH! Poor Canadian." "OH! Poor hippie." "OH! Poor 18-year-old mayor's daughter." Well how about poor ME?!? Have you once considered the pain and agony I must constantly endure coexisting on a planet with Canucks, longhairs, and mayors who think boning their legal-age daughter is a federal offense that should come with an automatic penalty of 10 years to life? No. I don't think you have.

Consider, if you will, Pvt. Jessica Lynch. The young Army grunt who was captured and held by Iraqi forces until she was eventually rescued and returned to her family. "OH! Poor Pvt. Jessica Lynch," I hear you mewl. Well how about poor ME?!? I'm not the one getting a hero's welcome for lying on my back for a couple of weeks in a posh Iraqi hospital! I'm not the one whose door is being beaten down by Katie Couric and Diane Sawyer bringing gifts of golden lockets and ice-cream cake, begging me to accept television interviews and multimillion-dollar book and movie deals! Poor Pvt. Jessica Lynch? Poor fawking ME!!

And consider, if you also will, the plight of Matt Kennedy Gould, a resident of Mt. Lebanon, Pennsylvania. You may have not heard of him yet... but you will. Matt is the unwitting star of a brand-new reality series debuting September 7 on the trying-extremely-hard-to-appear-masculine "channel for men" Spike. In this show, Matt believes he is a participant in a reality show called Lap of Luxury, wherein the contestants live together in a Hollywood mansion, compete in grueling contests, and vote each other out for a chance to win $100,000. The only problem? Except for Matt, the entire show is faked.

The show's really named The Joe Schmo Show, and parodies the reality genre with improvisational actors who play the contestants (the grizzled old military guy, the bitch, the stud, the virgin). An actor also plays the smarmy host (who dismisses voted-off players by smashing a plate on their portrait, and screaming, "You're dead to us... please leave!"). All these actors have one overriding mission: to make the unknowing Matt's stay at the mansion as torturous and embarrassing as possible.

"OH! Poor Matt Kennedy Gould of Mt. Lebanon, Pennsylvania." Oh, yeah? WELL, POOR ME!!! It's not like Matt is a basket of kittens that's been tossed down a well! It's not like Matt has an itchy rash in his bottom that especially flares up in the summer months and refuses to be cured by any number of creams and salves! Matt is just one of thousands of people every year who are all too willing to make a horse's ass out of themselves by appearing on a reality show for a greedy chance at fame and fortune. So stop pitying "poor" Matt Kennedy Gould, and start pitying POOR ME!

(And any suggestions regarding soothing bottom salves would also be appreciated.)