Glory be! It's time for another enlightening installment of The Stranger's ridiculously popular Biblical advice column...

Dear Reverend Buddy: I am the leader of a big Christian country. I have to decide if we can use "stem cells" in scientific research. I don't know exactly what they are, but my prayer group says you have to kill babies to get them. My boss says that isn't true and the stem cells can cure cancer and whatever's killing Michael J. Fox. What should I do? Jesus rules!


There's nothing wrong with killing babies, as long as they're the right kind. God has commanded His people to rip infants from the wombs of pregnant Samarians (Hosea 13), Heshbonites (Deuteronomy 2), and Tirzahnites: "Menahem smote Tiphsah... and all the women therein that were with child he ripped up" (2 Kings 15). All those people came from Sinai or Palestine, but with the advent of aviation technology, there are probably pregnant Palestinians and northeastern Egyptians living in your city, ripe for the harvest! Get some scalpels, root beer, and ice cream, and make it a party. Remember to wash your hands!