By now you've probably considered where your presidential candidate of choice stands on all the important issues, and what he or she would be like in the Oval Office. But have you considered this important question: What would they be like in bed? Because I think what someone is like sexually tells you about their character, I've pondered each of the presidential candidates carefully, and using my extremely well-honed powers of sexual perception and prediction, I've come up with some speculations about how they'd each get their sexy on.

Hillary Clinton probably gets referred to as a dominatrix about as much as I do, so let's start with her. Do I think she's really a domme? Well, when you're a woman with a strong personality outside the bedroom, people give it up to you in bed without your even trying very hard. Someone has to run the fuck, just like someone has to run the country, so if you're elected, you call the shots. And people usually like it, even if they try to claim otherwise after the fact.

So Hillary is a domme by default, a mistress of necessity. However, if the right dominant guy came along—because I don't think Hillary is a dyke, she doesn't read like that to me—Mrs. Clinton would totally be his sweet little submissive slut, and love it. But only in bed. God help him if he tried pulling her hair while she was at the office.

John McCain is a fairly uncomplicated straight man. I have a feeling he's well hung, and he's probably not bad in the sack, although I suspect he has a limited repertoire. He seems like the kind of guy who'd follow the exact same sexual routine every time he fucked, and if you don't like the way he eats pussy, you should just get dressed and go home because he's not a guy who's going to take direction well. Oh, and don't touch his asshole, because that's for fags.

Mike Huckabee? He's a Republican Baptist minister, therefore he's undoubtedly sucking cock in a public restroom somewhere. And since he's Southern, he probably prefers to blow uncut black men. He may even lust for...

Barack Obama, who is a love machine, baby. Nothing too kinky, but he likes feathers and flavored body lotions, and he has some brightly colored satin thongs that he puts on when it's Business Time. He and Michelle put Barry White on the CD player, light some candles, smoke a little weed, and get busy. Occasionally Barack worries that he's not black enough, and he drops into this faux-ghetto dirty-talking style, which Michelle secretly thinks is silly. Other than that, he's aces.

Ralph Nader isn't really a candidate, but then again, I doubt he's really much of a sexual partner, either. No, he's a pushy, whiny do-me queen. He has only one testicle—the other is undescended—and he lets this make him insecure and thus a bad lover. And a bad politician, too. recommended