As you may have noticed, both Halloween and the election are within
days of each other. Soooo… PANIC!! I’m sorry, but this can NOT be
good for the national mindset as Halloween is a day about fake
terror and Election Day is about actual terror. The only good thing
about Election Day is that it makes my stomach so nervous, I’ll finally
crap out that wad of Halloween candy that will most assuredly be wedged
inside my rectum.
But that’s not to say that Halloween doesn’t have its own share of
legitimate terrors. Take for example: teenagers. On November 4 we
should totally be voting for a “No More Teenagers Trick-or-Treating”
law. True story: Last Halloween, I’m giving out candy all evening, and
then around 9:30 p.m. the doorbell rings. I open the door and I’m
surprised that no one’s there—until suddenly a goddamn teen
wearing a Freddy Kruger mask leaps out from behind the bushes
screaming, “EEEEEYAAAAAAUUGGHH!!”
It’s certainly one thing to scare the poop into my pants—but
this teen scared me SO BAD, my poop actually jumped out of my pants,
ran for the phone, and started screaming hysterically to 911.
Another legitimate Halloween terror? Sarah Palin. Not the “real”
Sarah Palin, mind you—although she’s bad enough—but the
throngs of Sarah Palin costumes you’ll undoubtedly see on Halloween (or
as it shall heretofore be known, “the night of 100,000,000 Sarah
Palins“). So to all those gals (and guys) thinking of dressing up
like the VP wannabe, I have one word of advice: DON’T. Why? Because (a)
there will be more Sarah Palins on the streets than crabs in Hugh
Hefner’s hot tub, and (b) just because you have brown hair and a great
set of funbags doesn’t mean you get to take the uncreative route.
(Seriously! Would dressing up as “Sexy Nancy Pelosi” be such a crime?)
However, if you simply MUST be Sarah Palin, then please put a creative
spin on it—for example: Come to the party dressed as a
slaughtered moose… and then be the bloody, knife-wielding Sarah Palin
who jumps out of its stomach! HILARIOUS! HORRIFYING! And?
Thought-provoking.
Oh crap. I forgot to talk about TV. So, real quick: Speaking of
Sarah Palin, her less-famous twin sister Tina Fey returns this week in
the season premiere of 30 Rock (NBC, Thurs, 9:30 pm). Plus if
you loved American Gladiators, then I’m pretty sure you won’t be
as pleased with the British version, entitled simply Gladiators (BBCA, Sat, 4 pm). What are they going to do? Throw crumpets at each
other? However, whatever you do, don’t miss next Tuesday’s
election-night coverage. The Daily Show and The Colbert
Report (Comedy Central, Tues, 10 pm) will be teaming up to bring
America twice the comedy, while the other networks will be doing
their best to stop our country from slipping into a blind panic when it
turns out the Republicans have switched every voting booth with a
shredding machine and demanded a “do over” while blaming the entire
mess on Obama’s “terrorist pals.”
Be afraid. Be very afraid. 
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
As the only person to wear a Halloween costume to work at corporate headquarters, Pam feels a little… awwwwwkward!
9:30 NBC 30 ROCK
Season premiere! Liz decides to adopt a baby with absolutely no help from evaluator Megan Mullally.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 31
7:00 SCIFI GHOST HUNTERS
It’s the ghostiest Halloween yet for the hunters who go on a seven-hour search for goblins… LIVE ON TV. (No pressure.)
8:00 CBS GHOST WHISPERER
Meanwhile, a ghost gets super annoyed with Melinda, begging her to “please… speak… UP!!”
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 1
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Ben Affleck hosts, with special guest David Cook (and maybe superspecial guest Barack Obama?).
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 2
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
The 19th annual “Treehouse of Horrors” features parodies of Charlie Brown, the Transformers and Mad Men? Woot!
10:00 HBO ENTOURAGE
Vince almost poops his high-priced panties after meeting actor Jason Patric.
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 3
9:00 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S PRESIDENTIAL BASH
New clips combine with old as the SNL cast skewers politicos from then and now.
10:00 BRAVO FIRST CLASS ALL THE WAY
Debut! High-class concierge Sara Duffy tries (in vain) to please her superpicky fancy-pants clients.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 4
8:00 ALL NETS ELECTION NIGHT COVERAGE
For the love of god… EVERYONE STAY CALM.
10:00 COM STEWART/COLBERT ELECTION COVERAGE
I’m serious. We don’t want anyone to get hurt. DO NOT PANIC.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 5
8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL
During a critique, one of the models screams at the judges. Oh, hell to the NO!
10:00 BRAVO TOP DESIGN
Season finale! The final designers have to design a house… from top to bottom?! Run away! It’s not worth it!