So Barack Obama got Time magazine's "Person of the Year"? Whoopdee-f-bombing-doo! But wait... don't get me wrong! Like the rest of you, I sincerely believe that Obama poops unicorns and ejaculates fairy dust. HOWEVER! Why did Time have to pick such an obvious choice? I mean, seriously... was "Wolf" from American Gladiators even considered? Obama talks a good game, but have you ever seen him on top of a gym-mat pyramid, picking up Gladiator contestants and hurling them to the ground like rag dolls, after which they're rushed to the spinal-injury ward? Have you ever heard Obama say, "My fellow Americans... AHHH-ROOOOOO!"??
That's why Time magazine should just dump the whole "Person of the Year" concept and switch to something more entertaining. For example? Oh, I don't know... how about... the I ♥ TELEVISION™ "PEE-HOLE OF THE YEAR" AWARD™? That's right, it's time to pay homage to the television celebrities of 2008 who hopped into the national spotlight, and then—like a stubborn case of genital warts—refused to go away. The nominees, if you please!
• The Ikki Twins! Though the idea of bisexual identical twins may sound totally awesome IN THEORY, the sad reality is that the sister stars of MTV's Double Shot at Love (a dating show involving straight dudes and lesbians) are like a double shotgun blast of CRABS. (Not the delicious seafood kind.)
• Hologram will.i.am! Election night should've been the greatest night of our generation. So why did CNN have to ruin everything with an in-studio hologram appearance from the absolutely TERRIBLE hiphopper will.i.am? Holograms should only be called upon to deliver news of the most vital importance—like Princess Leia begging for help from Obi-Wan Kenobi, or nude Jessica Alba alerting me that her clothes have fallen off and she's warming up my bed.
• The cast of Whale Wars! Next to Rachael Ray, these enviro-dumbasses are the most annoying people on TV. A shipload of animal-rights activists boat around the ocean trying to stop Japanese ships from hunting and killing whales—no problem there, right? Except these guys are super-annoying pee-holes who throw stink bombs, endanger each others' lives, and argue incessantly over who is the most morally superior. Umm, guys? The whales called, and unless you leave, they're gonna commit suicide.
But the grand-prize winner of 2008's I ♥ Television™ "Pee-Hole of the Year" Award™ is...
• Spencer Pratt of The Hills! Whether campaigning for John McCain or actively trying to ruin his costars' lives, Spencer Pratt (aka Hitler with a flesh beard) took his pee-holishness to new and previously unattained heights while his girlfriend Heidi Montag (aka the frigid sex android sent from the year 2247) stood passively by. Not only did Spencer emotionally terrorize and scare away all her family and friends, he eventually tricked Heidi into marrying him in Mexico after plying her with tequila shots. Congratulations, Spencer! Of all the pee-holes on television, you're the pee-holiest! "Wolf" from American Gladiators will now present your award, the "I ♥ Television™ Spinal Cord Bifurcation™." 
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 25
8:00 SOAP GENERAL HOSPITAL: XMAS PAST
Classic General Hospital episodes that will surely include good tidings, cheer, and psychotic evil twins.
8:00 COM BAD SANTA—Movie
(2003) Billy Bob Thornton plays the nastiest Santa ever in this sure-fire cure for the holidays.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26
8:00 ABC WIFE SWAP
An etiquette-obsessed mom switches places with a steroid-pumped female weightlifter. Hilarity, you may now ensue!
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 27
8:00 NBC OLYMPICS OPENING CEREMONIES
A repeat of the most amazing TV event of the year, which made Americans feel like crap.
9:00 TOON JUSTICE LEAGUE: THE NEW FRONTIER—Movie
(2008) A cool animated version of the origins of the Justice League set in the early '60s!
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28
7:00 ABC THE SOUND OF MUSIC—Movie
(1965) Governess Julie Andrews kicks Nazi ass—via the power of song!
10:30 HBO SUMMER HEIGHTS HIGH
Season finale! It's the premiere performance of Mr. G's musical about a dead student—produced in a very sensitive manner, of course.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 29
8:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL
In this repeat, Vanessa blackmails Blair, so Blair convinces Chuck to seduce Vanessa, and... why can't these kids get along?!
10:00 MTV THE CITY
Debut! Whitney from The Hills moves to NYC in this new "reality (wink-wink)" show.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30
8:30 ABC RUDOLPH'S SHINY NEW YEAR
Father Time asks Rudolph to rescue Baby New Year. Hold on! Doesn't that count as a "reindeer game"?
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31
10:00 ABC DICK CLARK'S NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE WITH RYAN SEACREST
Celebrate the New Year with Dick Clark (who I'm pretty sure is an android).
11:00 FOX NEW YEAR'S EVE LIVE
Stunt cyclist Robbie Knievel jumps a volcano in Las Vegas! Top that, android Dick Clark!
Send in your pee-hole nominees, pee-hole! steve@thestranger.com
