I have a fantasy about wrapping up a pair of nipple clamps in red-and-green paper and giving them to Henry Paulson with a card that says, "Wear these under your suit." He always has that slightly pained expression when he appears on TV—I'd just like to give him a reason to look that way. (I mean a reason besides the fact that the economy is in the toilet.) I'd find it reassuring. Here are some other gifts I'd like to see given, too:

• From John McCain to Sarah Palin: a moose-hide strap-on harness and dildo with a card reading, "You got me up and going, but then you fucked me in the end. Now you can do that to other guys, too."

• From President Bush to the Iraqi shoe-thrower: a pair of Salvatore Ferragamo loafers and a card that reads, "No hard feelings, man. After I demonstrated my quick ducking reflexes on TV, I saw that there's a new porn site called PeltThePresident.com with angry liberal chicks throwing shoes at naked guys in GWB masks. Thanks for helping secure my legacy."

• To Wall Street from investors: a case of Viagra with a card that says, "To help you get it up and keep it up."

• From kinky people everywhere to Dick Cheney: a specially designed BDSM negotiation list with activities like "Go to war under false pretenses," "Authorize illegal torture," and "Profit from human suffering"; instead of checkboxes for "Yes," "No," or "Maybe," there's just a "Yes" box. The card: "To the man for whom the people's consent is immaterial."

• From Ashley Dupré to Rod Blagojevich: a homemade music CD with a card that says, "Babe, I totally get it about how a good seat is 'a fucking valuable thing, you just don't give it away for nothing.' But honey, you get arrested if people find out you're doing that! Hope you enjoy my songs! Love ya!"

• To Governor Chris Gregoire, Mayor Greg Nickels, and King County Executive Ron Sims: three red rubber ball gags, size large, with a card reading, "Just shut up and do something to me! Love, The Viaduct."

• From Déjà Vu dancers, a gift for the Mariners: a four-quart enema bag and tube with a card that says, "You can't do a split upside down on a pole when you're all backed up. We're moving in across the street, so hose yourselves out and get over it."

• From Congress to the Big Three automakers: a high-powered e-stim unit—on the card, "You need to put this on our sticky bits to get us revved up about the idea of bailing you out."

• And to President-elect Barack Obama: a long-sleeved rubber zip-up catsuit with full-face hood. Because come January 20, the shit is going to be flying and you don't want any of it to stick.