Though I go by many names ("Home of the Whopper" being one of them), there is one name I'm most proud of—and that's "Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: The Woman's Friend™." How did I come by such a distinguished and lofty moniker? Surprisingly, it was NOT because of my enthusiastic and enticingly cruel sexual prowess. It's because I give women tampons.

Remember how in olden days, gentlemen would offer a handkerchief or maybe their fancy jacket to a lady? Those guys were honorary citizens of Squaresville, daddy-o! Today's modern woman doesn't want your stupid foppish coat or used hankie. They want one thing and one thing only: acknowledgement of their menstrual cycle! (Some also say they want "equal pay for equal work." HAW! As if.)

Anyhoo, that's where the tampons come in. One day I put a Tampax Multi-Pack in the employee bathroom with a note reading, "Compliments of Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: The Woman's Friend™"—and my stock in the office skyrocketed! I suddenly went from "the guy looking down the barrel of a sexual harassment suit" to "El Hombre Sensitivo Corazon!" Even better, when the other guys in the office accused me of being "GROSS!" for buying chicks tampons, the girls were all like, "Shut up, men! Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me is sensitive to a woman's menstrual needs, and you're a bunch of dickholes!"

That being said, carrying tampons in your pocket isn't the only way a man can be "the woman's friend." A dude can also suggest any of the following estrogenerific chick shows debuting this week!

• In the Motherhood (ABC, Thurs March 26, 8 pm). If you really want to be sensitive, then you need to remember that women do one thing better than any man, and that's squirt babies out of their vaginas. Very funny ladies Megan Mullally (Will & Grace), Cheryl Hines (Curb Your Enthusiasm), and Jessica St. Clair (Best Week Ever) star as three very different moms trying to juggle family, work, and their personal lives without blowing their heads off with shotguns, or succumbing to a Vicodin/vodka overdose. Did I mention this was a comedy?

• Cupid (ABC, Tues March 31, 10 pm). Apparently there's this emotion they call "love" and girls are ka-razy for it! This show is about a guy who may or may not be Cupid, who was sent down to earth to hook people up, but ends up getting the hots for his psychiatrist! Yeah, to guys this sounds like the television equivalent of sticking needles underneath your eyelids—but the lady in your life will "love" you for it! (Was that the correct usage of the word?)

• The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency (HBO, Sun March 29, 8 pm). Fact: Girls think guys who read books are sensitive. So pretend you do! Based on the international best-seller, The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency is about the owner (singer Jill Scott) of the only female detective agency based in Botswana! See, these are just the kind of friends a guy like me needs! (Note to self: Check on how much it costs to ship a box of tampons to Africa.) recommended

THURSDAY, MARCH 26

8:00 ABC IN THE MOTHERHOOD

Rosemary convinces Jane's nanny to join a union, to which Jane rightly responds, "You bitch!"

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Michael's new boss continues to inflict his stupid new "efficiency" rules on the office. GAWD!!

FRIDAY, MARCH 27

8:00 FOX TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES

Fearing for her life, Sarah stashes her son, John, in what will eventually be known as a "not-so-safe" house.

9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE

Echo returns to her old college, which dredges up some embarrassing memories... involving beer pong.

SATURDAY, MARCH 28

9:00 NBC WORLD FIGURE SKATING CHAMPIONSHIPS

Well... chicks dig figure skating, right?

9:00 SCIFI POLAR STORM—Movie

(2009) Magnetic storms turn the earth bipolar. Get it?!? "Biolar?" "Polar Storm?" Ahhh... screw it.

SUNDAY, MARCH 29

8:00 HBO THE NO. 1 LADIES' DETECTIVE AGENCY

Debut! Singer Jill Scott stars as the crime-bustin' first lady of detecting in Botswana!

10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD

Walt's cancer advances, leaving him little time to become the meth king of Albuquerque.

MONDAY, MARCH 30

10:00 MTV THE HILLS

Season premiere! Lauren vows that this will be her last season on The Hills, after which she'll only be faking it with her boyfriend.

TUESDAY, MARCH 31

9:00 FOX OSBOURNES: RELOADED

Debut! Ozzy, Sharon, Jack, and Kelly return with a live-studio-audience variety show?? The "Crazy Train" is about to derail!

10:00 ABC CUPID

Debut! Psychiatrist Sarah Paulson (The Spirit) gets involved with her possibly insane client who thinks he's Cupid. Only on TV, folks!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1

8:00 CBS I GET THAT A LOT

Celebrities such as Jessica Simpson and Heidi Klum prank undeserving people. Isn't being rich and famous enough??

10:30 COM RENO 911!

Season premiere! Dangle and the gang return for a sixth season with two new (equally incompetent) cops!

Also "the interweb's friend."