Imagine me nude. Go ahead, I don't mind. But don't dink around! Really imagine it! Picture every contour, every vein, every floppy appendage of my stark-naked body. Got a good picture in your mind? Good. Now, in your imagination, is my nudeness wildly attractive? Do my taut, finely hewn muscles glisten and throb? Is my body so sexy, so incredibly attractive that it would make the pope snub a choirboy? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "NO"?!??!?? Are you trying to tell me I'm FAT?? That when you picture me naked, the copious amounts of blubber around my midsection either scrape the floor (when I'm stationary) or smack me in the chin (when I'm galloping toward the refrigerator)? HOW... DARE... YOU!! I'm never gonna let you picture me nude again!!

I'll have you know I am in peak physical condition.* I can run nearly three-quarters of a mile, do roughly 12 push-ups (MILITARY STYLE), and as for pull-ups—well, I'm not so great at pull-ups. But unless you're dangling from a bridge, there's no need for pull-ups anyway. In fact, when naked, I closely resemble Michelangelo's David (with a bigger wang, of course). So it's really surprising you'd think I'm a tub of lard. IT'S BECAUSE OF THE TV THING, ISN'T IT?? You think all I do all day is sit around on my honey-baked ham, watch television, and cram my piehole with Ding Dongs (the pastry, not the other thing).

WELL, YOU'RE WRONG!! While I may consume a lot of TV, most of what I watch involves VERY strenuous physical activity. For example: Glee! Not only do I dance and sing along with the kids, I also furiously masturbate during the commercials. (The trick is to stretch out first.) Example 2: Dancing with the Stars. No, I'm not doing any actual "dancing." However, I do work up quite a sweat while viciously kicking my television. (Between this show and American Idol, I'm going through four TV sets a week! Which means a lot of walking to Best Buy and lifting new TVs off the shelf. Dude, I'm buff.)

And there's a brand-new show debuting this week, which promises to make me even more physically fit (if that's possible). It's called Ultimate Parkour Challenge (MTV, debuts Thurs May 6, 10:30 pm), in which six parkour champions challenge themselves to increasingly difficult tests of skill. Parkour involves a lot of hopping, sprinting, flipping, and climbing—turning ordinary buildings, stairways, and rooftops into extreme obstacle courses. It's kind of like watching superheroes in action, without the unbecoming spandex. So if you like to watch hot guys doing amazing physical stunts, check it out!

And you can bet I'll be watching and doing a little parkour of my own. First I'll do a backflip off the couch, followed by somersaults through the living room, landing on the kitchen table. Then a corkscrew dive over the dishwasher ending in three forward rolls, which will take me to the refrigerator where I will devour three Totino's frozen pizzas, a bottle of hooch, and seven Ding Dongs. And oh yes! I WILL be nude!

*When compared to most of the inhabitants of Mississippi.