Guys! What... are... you... doing? Are you seriously thinking about watching TELEVISION this week? Dudes, if you're going to pick ANY week to watch TV, for the love of god, don't make it this one! This is the absolute WORST week to sit in front of the tube, and it's not just because there's a bunch of absolute crap on (even though there is, and you love watching absolute crap). The problem is that next week is going to be the busiest television-watching week of your entire life—and if you don't conserve your energy, you're gonna totally shoot your wad (in a bad way) and have no wad at all for next week! GUYS! You gotta save your wad!!
What's so freaking special about next week? OHHHHH, I don't know... maybe just the season finales of The Office, 30 Rock, The Simpsons, 24, Chuck, Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, and a little series finale called Lost. And believe me—I'm just scratching the surface! Next week is a veritable juggernaut of shows, and you're going to be all over your TV like a 12-year-old Justin Bieber fan after chugging five Viagra Franzia cocktails. By the end of next week, you'll be a shell of your former self—a vacant, glassy-eyed zombie unable to work, engage in simple conversation, or do anything other than sit there, festering in your soiled undergarments. And that's if you DON'T watch TV this week! So... umm... DO NOT WATCH TELEVISION THIS WEEK!
I realize, of course, you have no intention of taking my advice. In fact, you're probably thinking something along the lines of "Screw YOU, old-timer! Me and the rest of the hep- cat generation are gonna watch the SHIT out of some TV this week, and there's nothing you can say to stop us! Twenty-three skiddoooo!" If this is the case, then please—for the sake of your soon-to-be crumbling sanity—only watch the following shows this week.
• The Good Guys (Fox, Wed May 19, 8 pm): This new buddy-cop comedy stars Bradley Whitford (The West Wing) and Colin Hanks (Tom Hanks's son) as polar-opposite buddy cops who get in a series of tepid misadventures where they eventually learn to respect each other's differences, and... zzzzzzzzzzz. (You're asleep, right? HA! That was my plan all along! You can't watch TV this week if you're unconscious! Buuuuurrrnnnn!)
• Saturday Night Live (NBC, Sat May 15, 11:30 pm): This episode will be hosted by the always reliable and funny Alec Baldwin with musical guests Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, and... oh, look! The strip club down the street is offering free Jell-O shots and half off "motorboats" (where you stick your face in between the stripper's boobies, shaking your head back and forth while making a vigorous "BRRRRRRR" sound). Maybe that's a bad time to watch TV, huh?
• Pregnant at 70 (TLC, Sun May 16, 9 pm): Oooooh yeaaaah, mama. Are you ready to watch a steamy hour of sexy, supple, impregnated 70-year-olds sensuously stroking their taut, engorged baby bellies? WAIT! Where are you going?? Okay, fine then. I guess we'll just watch TV together NEXT week. (Heh... heh... hehhhhhh....)
THURSDAY, MAY 13
8:00 CW VAMPIRE DIARIES
Season finale! The town's Founder's Day celebration is marred by a deadly vampire attack, and... why do all Founder's Days have to be ruined??
9:30 NBC 30 ROCK
Floyd's wedding leaves Liz dateless, so she calls upon the handsome services of the esteemed Jon "Mad Men" Hamm!
FRIDAY, MAY 14
8:00 CW SMALLVILLE
Season finale! Clark and Zod battle for the fate of the earth! Plus, it's free ice-cream-cone day at the soda shop.
SATURDAY, MAY 15
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Host: Alec Baldwin. Musical guest: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Okay, you can watch five minutes of this.
SUNDAY, MAY 16
8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: HEROES VS. VILLAINS
Season finale! Ooh, I hope the villains win this time!
9:00 ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Season finale! Gaby puts herself in danger to protect Angie, who must stop Patrick from hurting Danny... and does anybody really even watch this show anymore?
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Hank lands in the hospital, and Skyler gets a "methy" idea on how to pay his bills!
MONDAY, MAY 17
8:00 FOX HOUSE
Season finale! House is forced to practice real medicine when a disaster occurs outside the hospital.
9:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL
Season finale! Blair must make a decision about her future with Chuck and whether she can stand to be with a guy who uses up all her eye cream.
TUESDAY, MAY 18
9:00 ABC LOST
The next-to-last episode, entitled "What They Died For," in which presumably we find out what they died for. (But don't hold your breath.)
9:00 FOX GLEE
Wait... what??? Neil Patrick Harris is the guest star this week?? Forget what I said and watch the shit out of this!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 19
9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY
Season finale! Claire tries to organize a family portrait, leading to at least three family suicides.
9:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
One of the final three singers is eliminated—AND NO, I'M STILL NOT WATCHING IT!!
Don't bother reading these listings, either!