MONDAY, MAY 17 This week of awesome hypocrisy, aborted protests, and prompt punishment for alleged sexual assault kicks off in Atlanta, with the culmination of an international saga. As the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports, the saga was set in motion last July, when Elizabeth Wyonch, a 59-year-old Canadian woman, arrived at Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport on a flight from Peru. Acting on an anonymous tip suggesting Wyonch was smuggling a bunch of cocaine to Montreal, customs officials carefully searched her luggage and found nothing. Then an official noticed the unusual stiffness of the clothing packed in one of Wyonch's suitcases, soon credited to the three kilos of coke that had been soaked into the clothes in "a process that is difficult to detect and results in only a minimal loss of product," according to the AJC. Last December, Wyonch pleaded guilty to four counts of drug trafficking, and today she was sentenced to three years in federal prison.

Speaking of clothes-based shenanigans: Today in Everett, a 21-year-old "bikini barista" who'd been charged with prostitution after being photographed licking whipped cream off a coworker's coochie region pleaded guilty to working without an adult entertainment license and was sentenced to 20 days in jail. "Judge Timothy O'Dell also ordered the woman to be fully clothed—no bikini or lingerie—when she works at an espresso stand," reports KING 5 News.

TUESDAY, MAY 18 We continue with the week's first instance of prompt punishment for alleged sexual assault, this one out of Fort Pierce, Florida, where a would-be rapist found himself shot with his own gun. Details come from today's report at, the news voice of "Florida's Treasure Coast and Palm Beaches." As the female victim reportedly told police, it was just after midnight on May 14 when she was approached by a man on a bicycle who offered her money for sex. When she declined, he allegedly pointed a handgun at her and ordered her to take off her pants. After reportedly searching "her private area for money" and stealing her cell phone, the man told her to get on her knees and perform a sex act on him. Since he had a gun, the woman complied, during which the man slipped the gun in his pocket and leaned back to enjoy his violently coerced blowjob. "She grabbed the weapon and pointed it at him," reports TCPalm. "The man charged toward her, and she fired before the man fled the area." Not long after, 19-year-old Major Lee Barnes (that's his name, not his rank) showed up at the hospital with a gunshot wound to the right leg and now faces charges of sexual battery, robbery with a firearm, and possession of a weapon by a convicted felon, for which he's being held in jail in lieu of $1 million bail.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 19 The week continues with the spectacular humiliation of Representative Mark Souder, the Republican congressman and "family values conservative" from Indiana who yesterday resigned after admitting to an extended extramarital affair with a female staffer. In his official resignation speech, Souder declined to name his participant in adultery, who was soon identified by Fox News as Tracy Jackson, "a female staffer in her mid-40s, [who] would accompany the congressman to events and to record ads at a Christian radio broadcast station." Fun facts: Jackson is also married and appears in a readily-available-on-the-internet video interview with Souder espousing the virtues of sexual abstinence until marriage. "To be fair, they waited until they were married to someone else before screwing each other," writes Wonkette commenter M Lite, whom Last Days hereby nominates to replace the failed Souder in the House of Representatives.

THURSDAY, MAY 20 Nothing happened today, including Everybody Draw Muhammad Day, the planned international response to last month's hubbub in which the animated series South Park depicted the Prophet Muhammad in a bear costume, inspiring the internet group Revolutionary Muslim to issue "murder predictions" for South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone as rightful punishment for their jihad-worthy blasphemy, which in turn inspired Comedy Central to remove a speech about intimidation and fear (that made no mention of Muhammad) from the following week's episode. In response to Revolutionary Muslim's veiled threats and Comedy Central's extremist-indulging censorship, Seattle cartoonist Molly Norris posted her own drawings depicting Muhammad as a cup of coffee and a box of pasta on her website, e-mailing The Stranger and others with her pitch to make May 20 "Everybody Draw Muhammad Day" to "water down the pool" of possible jihad targets and show solidarity with South Park's unjustly censored artists. "But since then," the Seattle Times reports, "others have seized on the idea, turning it into an online movement, with tens of thousands of supporters on Facebook. It has led to national and international publicity, and even an entire country—Pakistan—banning access to Facebook." It also led to Norris disowning the supposed-to-be-satirical day, after more and more "Draw Muhammad" supporters were revealed to be just Muslim-hating assholes. "The vitriol this 'day' has brought out is... offensive to the Muslims who did nothing to endanger our right to expression in the first place," wrote Norris on her website. "I apologize to people of the Muslim faith and ask that this 'day' be called off." The moral: Crazy freaks ruin it for everyone.

FRIDAY, MAY 21 The week continues with the commencement of the second month of the ongoing Deepwater Horizon disaster. Following yesterday's official acknowledgement from BP that much more oil is flowing from the leak than previously estimated, today brought the closing of a public beach in Grand Isle, Louisiana, due to what the Associated Press described as "thick gobs of oil resembling melted chocolate" that washed up on land. "Up to now, only tar balls and a light sheen had come ashore," reports the AP. "But oil was starting to hit the beach at this island resort community in various forms—light sheens, orange-colored splotches, and heavier brown sheets." "It's difficult to clean up when you haven't stopped the source," said Jefferson Parish councilman Chris Roberts. "You can scrape it off the beach, but it's coming right back."

SATURDAY, MAY 22 Nothing happened today, unless you count the horrific plane crash outside the Mangalore International Airport in southern India, in which an Air India flight overshot the runway, crashed into a ravine, burst into flames, and killed 158 of the 166 people on board. Condolences to all, including the eight survivors.

SUNDAY, MAY 23 The week ends with another tale of insta-revenge for alleged sexual assault, this one from nearby Issaquah, where two men were arrested early this morning after allegedly attacking a man who allegedly raped one of the assailants' wives. Details come from KOMO News, which reports Issaquah police were called to the scene of an alleged rape around 2:00 a.m. "When they arrived, they found a 31-year-old Kirkland man unconscious and bleeding from cuts on his head," reports KOMO. "Officers learned that the injured man was the suspect in the reported rape. He had been attacked by the woman's husband, a 31-year-old Renton man, and his friend, a 30-year-old Issaquah man, who were at the home when the reported rape occurred." The injured man was taken to Harborview Medical Center for treatment of his injuries, and his two alleged attackers were booked into King County Jail for first-degree assault. The rape is being investigated separately. recommended

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