With latex gloves and surgical mask carefully applied, I picked up this year's "Queer" Issue, in which the sodomites who control this execrable publication try, once again, to pretend that every week is not "Queer" week in their house of sin and sexual perversion. (When in fact, as we all know, The Stranger putting out a "special" Queer Issue is about as remarkable as "President" Obama offering another speech on how he plans to take my money and give it directly to my servants so that they may have free government-funded face-lifts whilst gorging themselves on food-stamp-backed buffets.)
Let us look at what has been wrought this year, in which the same tired collection of sex criminals, after rutting around for a "new twist," have decided to each, one after the other, offer advice about how best to perform unmentionable homosexual acts upon Republicans—as if there is a Republican in the land willing to have said acts performed upon him. EDMUND WHITE, making his regular filthy appearance, leaps immediately from homosexuality to the subject of bestiality (I have warned it is a slippery slope), opining: "His kitty was a bit muddy, but I've never been a stickler about that." Let us all pause to say a prayer for that poor cat. GINA YOUNG fantasizes about molesting a woman of upright morals at George W. Bush's first inauguration, and thus earns a call from me to my contact at the Secret Service. ELI SANDERS admits to a long string of affairs with supposedly conservative men, which you would think would cause him to be summarily dismissed from this ministry of liberal propaganda, but will in all likelihood earn him a medal of valor for open-mindedness.
KATE PREUSSER describes a sad fall from grace—this poor thing went from a childhood in which she was correctly taught to pray for America to an adulthood in which spends her days fantasizing uncontrollably about doing profoundly heretical things to the Virgin Mary—and would have brought a tear to my eye if she had not been so unrepentant about her devolution. CHRISTOPHER FRIZZELLE invents out of whole cloth a story in which he penetrated the armor of a military man, which is so absurd a proposition that it reveals itself at once to be pure, libelous daydreaming. JESSE VERNON strays off topic, writing about "trans people," which is a species I have never heard of before. PATRICK TESH and SOLOMON GEORGIO ought to be locked up. SUSIE BRIGHT slanders the good Sarah Palin. O.K. JONES brags about having seduced an ox (my lord, woman). DAVID SCHMADER consults his astrologer and makes bogus predictions about Republican politicians who will emerge as homosexuals in the future, a thing that has never happened and never will so long as the party maintains its moral compass.
And finally, DAN SAVAGE waxes lecherous about my distant relation, the Congressman Aaron Schock of Illinois (he is neither interested nor available, Mr. Savage) and then, for his finale, shrieks about some people he is furious with. All in all, a thoroughly putrescent—and thoroughly predictable—way to mark the arrival of summer.
Follow A. Birch Steen at www.twitter.com/strangerslog.