Columns Sep 9, 2010 at 4:00 am




If your mistress wants your food to taste bland, then have her preach to you constantly about how good it is for you, the planet, blah blah blah. Works like a charm.

(And thanks Dan, for the one-liner. I nearly spit out my coffee.)

#99 said it before I did. And as a person who's friends (well, acquainted) with a lot of cops, I can tell you from experience that their antipathy towards dealing with domestic violence cases has less to do with the myth of the "super-abusive male" and far more to do with the "She hit him first, but he hits harder, so who's wrong?" quandary. And for every stereotypical wife beater-wearing wife beater, there's a guy walking the streets who mystifies his friends with his ability to put up with his harridan of a wife. The only difference between the two is the fact that the second example eventually tries to defend himself or "snaps", the first example doesn't allow the pressure to build to the level of snapping and lets it go at once.
Some women just have a harder time achieving orgasm. If grinding works, what's the big deal? I don't think it's akin to the death grip for males--when women masturbate, it's unlikely that they're simulating this motion.
You make it sound like this is the fault of the woman that needs a little something extra to get to the finish line. Seems to me like a guy who is GGG wouldn't have a problem with this.
I like a little grinding now and then (and listen to Dan's recent podcast on the subject) and I find my sex drive to be high and my orgasms intense.
As previously stated, it's harder to get there for some of us and what we need is a partner who is ready and willing to participate and not judge along the way. Who ever said being GGG means achieving orgasm easily?
Yes, I agree with all the easygoing vegans. Jokes at our expense are a shout-out. I just love to see the word 'vegan' in print. And I make great food (though never with boca burgers or any of that 'fake meat' stuff which I find slightly less disgusting than processed meat).
@104 -- who _doesn't_ like a little grinding now and then? Well said.
@100: I'm not sure what's come out recently but back in the day, Alan & Donna Brauer's book "Extended Sexual Orgasm" helped a lot of people improve the quality and duration of their orgasms. Books about sacred sexuality, tantra, and similar topics also explore these themes. Of course the granddaddy of them all is Wilhelm Reich, who's written extensively about this stuff; some of the jargon is hard to swallow, but his best work is extremely insightful.
@104: I'm not talking about "a little grinding now and then", but NEEDING intense friction in order to get off. And actually, a lot of women learn to masturbate in childhood by sitting astride stuffed animals, pillows, etc. and there seems to be some correlation between doing that and, in adulthood, only being able to get off with intense pelvic grinding while on top.

Of course most women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm but that's not what #85 described: "her preferred 'motion' (lots of grinding, very little in-and-out) is killing me." Presumably if a couple well-placed fingers could do the trick, they'd be doing that.

BTW, I didn't say that the ability to get off easily was part of being GGG; in fact I made a point to make a distinction between the two. Having said that, I'll admit I find that people who can get off relatively easily are often a lot of fun in bed because it invites variety, whereas people who need everything to be "just right" to reach orgasm are often less fun. YMMV.

As for the question of "fault" or "blame", that's not really the issue. Is it a guy's "fault" if he can only get off by pounding his girlfriend like a jackhammer? No, but it doesn't make him a particularly appealing lover vs. someone who's more versatile. It might be hard for him to hear that, but the truth is often difficult. I know that a lot of women struggle with their sexuality and with reaching orgasm, but it's possible to be supportive of that struggle while also acknowledging that, for their partners, it can be a frustrating and distancing experience.
Of all the things I've read in Dan's column over the years, none has offended or alarmed me as deeply as the writer with a maple syrup fetish. Dan really missed the boat on this one. The LW should get professional help immediately. I'm not joking or exaggerating. My first husband was into maple syrup. and like many wives, I thought it was a harmless fetish. Then one night, I heard a crashing sound in the kitchen, and ran in to find him humping a bottle of Aunt Jemima's. I was humiliated, and filed for divorce immediately. He got stuck in the bottle, and never did get it off.
@95, what's so scary about vegetables and fruits? Oh, I'm sure you meant those nasty grains...wheat, corn, rice..guh! Or beans? Who the hell eats beans?
If your plate isn't meat with a side of meat covered with cheese, you're probably a terrorist.

Vegans only get pissy because we know a "vegans! Amirite?" line follows with "MEAT! I love being callous!" and "They eat weird shit!" when 1) We eat what should be making up at least 85% of your diet anyway, maybe without the extra fats no one needs, 2) Whether you or I really care about the awnimulz, it's just poor taste to say you /like/ mistreatment and wasteful killing.

Now eat your fucking veggies >:U

bland food that satisfies nutritional needs while denying any sensory pleasure? Nutraloaf. Used in prisons as punishment for poor behavior.…
As if the International House of Pancakes actually has ever served real maple syrup and not that horrible "maple-flavored" crud that is sold in the grocery store as Log Cabin, Mrs. Butterworth, Aunt Jemima, etc.
Once I was house sitting for a friend and I offered another house guest some weed. Turned out he wasn't a regular smoker and he propositioned me immediately, in the boldest possible language. Despite my fondness for talking about how sex positive I am, when faced with the situation I was momentarily flummoxed. Then I remembered Miss Manners and thanked him very politely and told him I wasn't quite up to it. He apologized profusely while I measured the size of his bicep and decided I could take him if I had to. Things went on like normal. Right before bedtime, though, I did tell him, in a friendly sort of way, that if he snuck into my room in the middle of the night I would hit him.

STill ya have to cut folks a little slack if they're drunk or high, at least the first time. Especially if your history with them is otherwise good - for roommates, that would include being tactful & considerate, and paying rent on the dot.

I don't know how nutritious it is, but oatmeal without salt is pretty bland.
I find that adding a bit of cheese or butter to a vegan meal can make all the difference.
@66: are you crazy? The Naam is great! My meat-loving friends go there and recommended it. Awesome breakfast.

It's vegetarian with vegan options, btw. And very popular.
you want to know why vegans react? because their dietary choice is based on ethics and often spirituality. Rarely on health when it comes right down to it, rarely on taste either. You can argue the health benefits of any diet - and you can make fabulous or crappy tasting food on any diet. So of course some vegans are going to be sad to see yet another lame jab made at them; it's not a cult, it's not a fad, it's a choice based on deep emotion. How else could they possibly give up parmesan cheese? So back off; when Dan jabs at lesbians and they shout back people don't get nearly so mean.
and one more thing; the comment makes me think that Dan hasn't eaten at a real vegan establishment since the eighties when it was true, the food sucked.
@114 Butter and cheese are not vegan.
What gives food flavor? What makes it taste good? Meat tastes good, cheese tastes good. Vegan food doesn't have that. What else gives food flavor? Oil, salt, pepper, sugar, garlic, vinegar, oregano, hot sauce, cumin, a million herbs and spices, and guess what? They're all vegan. Nearly everything that makes our food taste good is from plant sources. So why does vegan food taste bad?

In my experience, when vegan food tastes bad, it's because non-vegans make it, and don't plan to eat it themselves (because it's vegan), so they don't really care. When vegans make it for themselves, it tastes good. (Go figure.) Somehow when non-vegan people are making vegan food (including restaurant chefs), they know they have to leave out the cheese or whatever, and they think they have to leave out the other flavor too.

For example, say I (vegan) go to your house for dinner and you make two dishes of green beans - one for me and one for everybody else. First: I really appreciate the effort! Honestly, I didn't even expect that, and it's nice! But the thing is, the "everybody else" dish has not only bacon bits but slivered almonds and sugar and spices and everything nices - and mine is just plain, steamed beans, with nothing else in it -- and then everybody makes fun of how the vegan version tastes bad! Why, when leaving out the bacon, was it necessary to leave out everything else too?
vegan for 15 years.
i have eaten tasty, and not so tasty.

bland menu ideas:

1. plain flavour VEGA brand meal replacement powder mixed with just water. not bad in a blender with ice. (and a banana) for extra bad taste, use luke warm tap water and stir with a spoon

2. a vegetable juice of carrot, celery and maybe ginger. blended with hemp protein.

3. a spoonful of flax oil. udo's oil is a good one. keep it cold in the fridge it will go bad.

4. some sort of green super food. E3 live is very nutritious, but i've grown to like the taste. they ship anywhere and the company is great.

5. plain quinoa. make it like rice, in a rice cooker without salt or oil.

6. plain beans. from a can, and warm, rinse well or else you'll get the farts. unless that's what you want. for good beans: buy bulk, rinse, soak, boil, drain and rinse. they're cheap but more labour than opening a can.
42 already said EXACTLY what I was going to say: [Touchy] vegans deserve to be ridiculed. Anyone, vegan or not, with enough self-importance to be offended by this type of joke is a sanctimounious douchebag who deserves all the ridicule the world can muster.
@117 - The butter and cheese suggestion was a joke that flew right over your head: by adding non-vegan things to vegan meals, you could make vegan meals tastier, but then they would cease to be vegan. The point of the joke, which you missed, was that vegan food isn't all that tasty unless you add something non-vegan. Vegan people are clearly missing a protein or two that helps them to understand jokes.
It takes 2500 gallons of water to produce one pound of ground beef. As the world continues to run out of fresh water leads one to logically believe that we will all be forced to be Vegan. That is the day that the voluntary Vegans will have the last laugh.
Vegan food: Fine. Vegan restaurants: Not so sure.

Nothing wrong with the pure flavors of vegetables. And the Asian combination of soy sauce, ginger, chili and garlic has whet peoples' appetites for centuries.

But vegan food pretending to be non-vegan (with concoctions like fake meat and faux cheese) seems dishonest, and is no selling point for veganism. I think it's the source of most of the negativity towards vegan restaurants and vegans in general. (That, and the fact that they're so easily offended.)

To put it in Savage Love terms: Vegans eating faux-animal-food is like a closet case asking his girlfriend to dress up like a (male) lumberjack.
I had no idea so many vegans were reading Savage Love.
But many of them seem to be suffering from an irony deficiency.
Nothing a good steak couldn't cure . . .
SSF should have a look into medical supplies. The stuff they feed you via a stomach tube is designed to sustain one indefinitely, but has no taste at all (why should it, if used properly it doesn't even get near any taste buds).
I eat vegan dishes on a regular basis. A few of them actually taste ok. (A few).
Just as I always suspected, self-righteous vegans really don't have sense of humor! good god! dan i love you!!!
#44- "I`ve been a Vagan for 20 years now and found Dan`s comment absolutely hilarius"

Vagan! I guess that's what straight guys and lesbians are: vag only, please!
You could definitely make a good slop with pudding and Vega powder. But ease yourself into the Vega if you're not accustomed to a high-fibre diet as it's very high in fibre (along with being high in everything else; it's an excellent product). It's not exactly bland, but without fruit or other flavours added it kinda just tastes like muddy green tea.
Another tip for ORGASM:

I know damn well you know damn well there ain't nuthin wrong with slurping your own juices, and that the only reason we're not licking ourselves is that we can't reach. (Oh, okay, we're a bit lazy, too -- there would be something rather yoga-esque about that, wouldn't there?)

The main ingredient in curry is fenugreek, an herb that smells like MAPLE SYRUP and is the basis of imitation maple flavor. But here's the clincher. Fenugreek not only has curative properties, but goes through your system and blows out a yummy storm. Once, as a kid, I noticed my armpits smelled deliciously of maple and I got my nose stuck in them awhile. Eventually I put it together that I'd eaten curry that day and this was the aftermath. I pinpointed fenugreek as the culprit, and began to buy the seeds and boil up a brew (which is better when mixed with its relative, fennel seed, as a sweetener).

The more I drank, the more yummy I stank, so it became the obvious drink of choice before any date at which I might get lucky. And then there's the work-out -- sweating just makes you smell better. It wasn't long before I discovered it was a pussy maple-izer as well. If, like me, you haven't gotten lucky in forever and may never again, it's still a fine thing to bring on camping trips, or other occasions when bathing may be difficult.

So, I'm thinking you feed some fenugreek to your partners, or even just have some yourself -- either way, the delicious smell should reach your nose, and therefore contribute to your ORGASM.
Vegans, vegans, vegans... Ah, to be so self righteous about anything is a waste of your typing fingers. Let it go. Dan's comment is hilarious! If you are inclined to be offended, substitute "meatloaf", or some other horrifying meat based product that can be found in restaurants...
Hang on a sec....cribbage? Really?
I can't believe anyone familiar w/Dan would find his vegan comment "out of line" or "uncalled for" - he's so opinionated he makes Ann Coulter look like muddafuggin Switzerland.

Also, he's back to being cranky & impatient, but then he only uses iPhone for (shudder) cribbage! That explains at least a few things.
That's why poor Linda McCartney wound up getting cancer (and I love the McCartneys). But here it is: Linda was a vegan cook/author for almost thirty years until her horribly-tragic death to breast cancer... If people can't handle the grief that their lifestyle choices can bring about, even in jest through to downright mean ignorance, then -as everyone's been saying- *lighten up*~! I love irking the self-important types too. Fuck 'em. They get in the way of my constructive good time ;-) ...............
Sorry. What I meant to say is that *worrying: excessive, obsessive, insane worrying* is going to contribute to not only various forms of cancer, but ridicule as well. Take some of that cinnamon bark and apply to yourselves for some skin, thou so much better than us vegans. Eat a roast beef sandwich and an ice cream shake, heavy on the natural cream...
@134/135 I'm sorry...did you really just correlate Linda McCartney's cancer with her vegan diet?

Incidentally, in the past 15 years I've only worn titanium watches. I also keep my hair short and don't have any tattoos. I don't like seafood (particularly fish) and never touch the stuff.

I've never gotten brain cancer.

For Seeking Slave Food...

There is a ghastly product fed to some prisioners in the United States as punishment called Nutriloaf. This blog has a recipe.…
The reason it wasn't funny was because Seattle has so many tasty veg restaurants (Carmelita, Sutra, Cafe Flora, Wayward, etc). Have you never been to one, Dan?

But if you want bland meat: boiled chicken. Otherwise, blend together some rice, salt-free beans, and tofu, with no flavorings. Maybe add some kale for extra punishment and a multivitamin.
Oh for the love of fuck, commenters like ADoodle, it was just an off-the-cuff joke! It had fuck all to do with Seattle's restaurant scene! I would imagine that Dan Savage has indeed sampled tasty veggie fare. Sweet Zombie Jesus, you people need to get a fucking sense of humor.
I wish it was as simple as being accustomed to intense friction, but female body is weird... it has everything to do with hormones, today you will get off in two minutes while barely touching your clit and in a week it will take long and dedicated intense clitoral stimulation and you can still count yourself lucky *if* you come. Who knows why our bodies work that way?

Also, vegans, yes Dan was perpetuating an offensive (?) stereotype. Which may or may not have a grain of truth in it, but still a stereotype. That's Dan's shtick, just ask bisexuals and pit bull owners. It was a JOKE, and for what it's worth he actually praised some vegan place for its yummy food on his blog.

But really, reconsider how it is offensive. Even if a meat eater did find vegan food bland tasting, we all have our personal likes and dislikes, what's your problem with it? If he thought vegan food was the best thing since hot water, he would be a vegan, right?
Poster number 1 had it correct - Scented candles. Go to your local candle shop or yankee candle store on line during the winter and stock up on the sweet maple smelling candles that make me and many on the planet gag. I keep one in my office that is sickeningly sweet but that's because I work with a bunch of Chinese guys who fart all day long and the smell of the sweet candle is a price I'm willing to pay to not have to inhale their stench. Where there is a will, there's a way!
Sticky, gooey chocolate maple bars!!!!
Lighten up you humorless vegans. Dan is gay for chrissake! You think he can't and doesn’t laugh at gay jokes? It's no wonder most people can't tolerate y'all. And if you're a gay, humorless vegan well then I just don't know what to say.
@138 - the reason it wasn't funny is because you don't have a sense of humor. Really. You don't. It was funny. Clever even.
Hey Vegans, Lighten up.
Oh,for god's sake. If you aren't a vegan, then vegan food is disgusting. Especially if, like me, you find most beans abhorrent. The idea of being vegan or having my child decide to be vegan makes me gag. I'm no ignorant hater, either. Just accept the fact that your food is not liked by everyone. Do Mexican's get upset if I dont' like beans? No. It's not a personal attack.
I used to think all vegan food was disgusting until I visited the Chicago Diner in Boys Town (near Wrigleyville). All vegetarian, and all good.

Still think vegans are annoying.
Viv Thomas has a new iPhone website for their porn. And they are the ones that finally got my wife to really enjoy porn... High quality, hot, low on the cussing or derogatory labels and the women tend to come first, guys last, so there is a timing goal to work for!
I'm an omnivore, but I eat perfectly tasty vegan food all the time. It's called fresh fruit.

I'll agree, however, that most pseudomeat is an abomination against nature. But imitation anything tends to be iffy at best, most foods are better if you let them have their own flavor rather than try to mold them into being something else.
@ssf : traditional gruel is mashed hempseeds and water. probably very high on the blandness:nutrition ratio.
ORGASM needs to find a partner who has maple syrup urine disease!

Vegans are hilarious. Loved the pun, #124.
@many (96, 98, 104, 108)

Yes, I am GGG and I'm all down for us doing all kinds of things that make us all feel good...and bringing enthusiasm to it. That is: I don't get much out of grinding, and what little I get is deadened by condoms, but I'll make that a very significant part of each and every session since I'm GGG and that's what gets her off.

My issue is this: she doesn't seem, despite some very direct directives, to grok what gets me off.

We have tried a diaphram and jelly - and that really helps (though there are issues with proper insertion - that thing feels very very weird when I bump into it). I think we need to revert to that more, it's just not nearly as convenient as a condom. But, this is my gripe: I don't send her off to "wash up" before going down on her, though Gynol-II is worse than Vegan food. She, on the other hand, won't return the favor if I 'taste like a condom'.

I'm not altogether sure she's really GGG - despite verbal protestations to the contrary. I like a little butt play, but she's refused to even touch my perineum, never mind going anywhere near her butt.

The disappointing part is that I do think the rest of the relationship is great. :-/

Thanks for the thoughts folks.
It may be funny to make fun of vegans, but if you think it's all about meat substitutes and beans you're doing it wrong. Do remember that plenty of Indian and Oriental food is vegan and there's lots of opportunity for eating food around the world.

I've not been to a bad vegan restaurant yet (although individual dishes may vary, same as any restaurant). A vegetarian and vegan restaurant is already a niche market, so if they're no good they're not going to last long.

No, I'm not vegan myself and have no intention of being, but I do cook a fair bit of tasty vegan food and cakes.
I really love this column but I resent the way Dan approached sexual assault. The girl pushed herself on her roommate and placed him in a situation where it was difficult for him to say no. Whether or not he gave consent doesn't matter very much because he might have been saying "okay" for a range of reasons. Male survivors of sexual assault by women often admit to feeling pressured to give their consent because of societal expectations that they should always want sex from women. Dan's response negated the possibility that he was sexually assaulted, or even worse, placed blame on the survivor if he was sexually assaulted. Disappointing.
Also, Dan seems to be writing off good sexual assault education by dismissing it as something meant for academic feminist classes. NO. I think sexual assault education is something we could all seek out and obtain so sexual assault doesn't remain a huge f**king problem in society?
cvilletop @153: your fiancee's unwillingness to touch your perineum, her objection to the taste of condoms, her disinterest in what gets you off... she's not GGG. You two are engaged. She thinks you're going to go ahead with the marriage anyway. I think you should show her (by postponing the wedding/breaking off the engagement) that her attitude needs to change.

Then give her a few months to see if she can step up her game and to see if she agrees that the sex is better that way. If she can't, or if you suspect that she's doesn't like it better and is only doing this to please you until the wedding, then you walk away.
I can't help but notice that the vegan rage displayed in these comments is entirely in the heads of the people criticizing it. Comments from actual vegan:

"Vegan reader saaaad... :'("

"I am also angry that Dan Savage should dare direct a joke in my direction. I don't want to be angry, it's just obligatory these days, isn't it? If you don't get angry when someone makes a joke about your sex/sexual preference/colour/dietary preferance then you're not a *real* man/furry/Asian/fruitarian. And I assure you I am real. I have a reflection in the mirror. Therefore I am angry. Bad Dan."

Comments in response:

"Jesus Christ, would you whiney vegans just shut the fuck up and take a joke already?"

Really? Before you get angry at someone else for not being able to take a joke, think for a moment about whether they are perfectly able to take a joke and are making a joke in response. Before you jump on sanctimonious vegans it would be worth noticing that for every actual sanctimonious vegan there are a hundred meat eaters who become just as sanctimonious as soon as anyone uses the word "vegan" in any context.
The maple syrup-loving guy could also get some maple scented fragrance oil and put it in a diffuser in his bedroom, which would delay (or eliminate) having to disclose it to potential partners. Check this out:…
I feel like BPAL has to have a maple syrup scent SOMEWHERE on their site. Why not find that and give it as a gift to potential sexy ladyfriends?

HA! If I counted myself as a victim of sexual assault every time I had to spurn advances that made me uncomfortable, I'd have a loooootta charges to file. Pretty sure there are heaps of people in the same situation. Get the fuck over it, and please, don't lessen the severity of ACTUAL sexual assault by equating it with some drunk chick telling her roommate she'd like to fuck him. It's an insult to actual victims.

If she can't, or if you suspect that she's doesn't like it better and is only doing this to please you until the wedding, then you walk away.

To be honest, in "verbalizing" this here, I've kind of forced myself to really think/see through this, and for me, I feel like it's not just "until the wedding" - it's "only doing this to please me". Just sad.
i once lived with a group of people, two of whom were young, male, strapping, vegans. they had absoulute hissy fits about our terminally ill housemate eating 'non-vegan' items (uh, hello, he was dying... and could barely keep anything down) and finally the sick person would no longer eat with us but ate in the barn, outside. I HATE VEGANS. if they want to eat that way they can do what they want just SHUT THE FUCK UP and go move to india if you cant handle it.
I think the maple -syrup fetish letter is a piss-take ( an obvious fraud to see if you'll fall for it). I've heard of and imagined many a thing, but this--No Way.
Oh Dan... I have fantasies of getting strapped to a table, blindfolded and fed vegan food by you!
If I swallowed your cum would I still be vegan?

Except for the first sentence;->
Nutraloaf is supposed to be awful. It is fed to prisoners.…
Try M.F.K. Fisher's recipe for Sludge. Google it. It's pretty much what you're asking for and it's historical, to boot.

I don't make fun of vegans or care what they eat, but I know for sure they are doing permanent damage to their bodies. As for ruining the environment, monocrop agriculture (upon which the vast majority of vegans must rely to maintain an adequate caloric intake) is far more damaging to the environment and kills thousands of tiny creatures besides. Oh, but cows are more complex, right? Or something. Listen, cows have eyes on the sides of their heads because they are prey animals. Cows and their hooved kin know that they will be eaten by a predator. This is simple biology. Humans have eyes facing forward, stand upright and have stomachs which produce hydrochloric acid...which is used in digesting meat.

We evolved as a predatory primate species. We are, in fact, apex predators (at the tippy top of the food chain) along with lions and tigers and bears. Oh my!

So, if it makes you feel better to eat your beans and veggies and take your B-12 supps, go for it. But please, let's not pretend it's a natural diet.
I have yet to see anyone mention M.F.K. Fisher's Sludge recipe, but it should fit the bill. I've Googled it, but can't find an exact recipe. However, it involves getting "cereal" (some type of grain), then cooking it--along with cheap, throwaway veggies and a few scraps of meat until it's a paste, then baking it. Sounds very similar to the aforementioned prison loaf.

As for veganism: humans evolved eating meat, pure and simple. The supposed benefits to the world by eating nothing but meat are offset by the facts of life, which include the following: 1) monocrop agriculture rapes the earth and kills thousands of animal lives per acre. It is also the basis for the vast majority of vegan diets. 2) Animal husbandry doesn't necessarily equate to factory farming which is--as vegans rightly point out--disgusting. In fact..animal husbandry, if done right, can actually benefit our environment. Look up Joel Palatin for a description of how this can be done. 3)Equating consuming animal products with any number of crimes--murder, rape, torture, etc--is a sign of unmitigated ignorance, folly, hubris, and species-est arrogance. We evolved as a species eating animal flesh. Period. We are apex predators: our eyes face forward, we stand upright, and we have speech...all of which help us hunt as social predatory primates must. Our stomachs produce hydrochloric acid, which breaks down meat (and is only found in the stomachs of carnivores and omnivores).

If you insist on being vegan, because it gives you some sort of spiritual sense of moral superiority or peace or just because you like it, great. But let's not pretend that veganism is either better for the environment or the ideal diet for humans.
The only thing funnier than Dan's vegan crack is the volume of sad vegans condeming him for it. Who knew veganism had become the [humorless] alternative to feminism?

In case it matters to you, I am a former vegan, current woman.
Hey ORGASM (x-posted from the SLLOtD link):………

Bath & Body works makes "Sugared Maple" lotion, too. Picking someone up at some good pancake house on Sunday afternoon, maybe..?

This is NOT a big deal to ask someone to indulge you in. Truuust me. Some ppl have chests of toys, closets of wardrobes, to please themselves/their partners. A whiff of maple? Provided you're willing to break from it once in awhile, so it doesn't become too much, SO not a huge thing.
He should just stash a bottle of maple syrup in his drawers/closet so his clothes start to smell like it. That way any girls will just think that's his natural smell, and he can also smell it no matter where he is or who he's hooking up with. The scent will be with him all the time.
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Anyone else noticed the theme that Dan makes fun of a group of people, and then that group gets offended? Its not exactly unique to vegans, guys.

It turns out that people don't like to be made fun of, go figure.
How about:
and not really streaming vid on the iphone but worth a mention cause they're just so damn hot:

If you just google Mobile Porn you should get a lot more results.
Fenugreek tea really *will* make a person smell like maple. You can ask any mother who has drank it while nursing. It's a culinary herb, and a medicinal herb with a positive effect on cholesterol and serum glucose, but it's also a powerful galactagogue, meaning it increases milk supply in lactating women. Maple milk shake anyone?
It's all very well the vegans saying that we'll all be vegan when the population gets too large to sustain carnivory, but by then the population will simply be too large and all the pandas will be dead.

We should start building the space ships now, or neuter the unworthy.
@ evolve or die,
I agree that we evolved to eat meat, but... could it be that it gave us benefits while we lived in nature, which outweighed the costs (like possibly dying before the age of forty, but who cared back then, you were not likely to live to your 50th birthday anyway). Yes we evolved to eat meat, but who knew that our lifestyles would turn into this? We spend most of our time sitting or sleeping, we can (and should) have more than one or two meals during the day so it's not essential to eat slowly digested protein that stays in your system for god knows how long, we are able to get quality nutrients from elsewhere, not like back then when people really had to rely on the animal to eat plants so that humans could get plant nutrients from the animal's meat. Actually, with most of the meat available today, it's better you don't rely on it for anything (how many people eat grass finished, organic meats?) So when our lifestyles undergo such a significant change, isn't it slightly dumb to insist that evolution stops here and we must eat like we used to when we lived totally different way?
Happy meat eater here btw, but I don't eat meat because I think it's good for me or because I feel compelled to eat it to honor my ancestors (denial is not just a river in Africa!), but because I like it. It tastes good.
cvilletop: You could turn clean-up time into something fun. She is banishing you to the bathroom because you stink of condoms, which is not fun; and you are not sending her off to clean up despite the fact that she smells nasty too, which also is not fun. You could go have a little fun in the shower together, instead of sending one or the other into exile until you no longer smell, or putting up with the smell.

That, however, is only one of your problems. She sounds pretty damned persnickety. The pair of you need to figure out how to be happily innovative together, and a good deal of that falls in her court. If she can't manage to get up enough enthusiasm to actually come up with solutions that work for both of you -- not merely service you halfheartedly and with severe reservations -- this match will only get worse over time.
ORGASM should contact Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab or a similar purveyor of custom perfume oils and have a personalized maple blend made for his partner. Oils are a sexy gift and they don't require someone to get all sticky every time they want to fuck.
Is it realistic to make a promise “I will love you until death do us part”? Famous Russian writer Leo Tolstoy who is considered an expert in understanding human feelings and relationships between people in general and man and woman in specific, in his novella “The Kreutzer Sonata” said: “To say that you can love one person all your life is just like saying that one candle will continue burning as long as you live”.

Are you married, but not dead? Interested in discreet married dating? Welcome to - premiere dating website for married and singles. Join free - thousands of members around the world are waiting for you.

Tolstoy wrote that as his own marriage was breaking down, and it's a novella that argues for ABSTINENCE. Think we should apply that to all humanity, hmm?
Ha! Ha! Love it when the vegans get all agitated!

Fuck off, spammer, and take your affectations of literary sophistication with you. (Oh, and in case you were wondering? Your English sucks.)
Cribbage is such a fun game!
184 works on my itouch, it's like a YouTube for porn, only thing is that some of the videos won't load. And all the site work too
Hey 100- loved your question about relaxing AND coming. A bit like learning to rub the stomach and pat the head at the same time. I learned to come with high intensity touch, breath holding and clenching. Unlearning the habits takes time. I have really enjoyed the book, Urban Tantra by Barbara Carellas. She's got some great breath and awareness exercises that help me drop out of my mind and into my body. When I am in my body and breathing into my pussy/perineum I find that I don't need so much stimulation. It also helps me get out of the fantasy loop and into my body. Somehow being more in my body helps me to connect more clearly with my partner without losing myself in their experience. I took the G-spot class at Babeland, even though I thought I knew about theG-spot. Squirting copiously these days. Very educational. Spend some time being with arousal without having to orgasm, just to see what your body likes. Experiment with positions, lubes, toys and partners and try to remember to breathe.
SFTSLAFI, might work. It works on my EVO and it uses the same video format as the iPhone. Also, get dwhelper for firefox on your home computer and Any Video Converter. Dwhelper will let you download streaming video, and AVC will convert the video into MP4 format. You can then put it on your iPhone
1. I'm vegan, and the Vegan Slave food comment made me snort organic soy milk all over the keyboard. Funniest thing I've read all day.

2. Now I know if I go back and read the comments about 10% of them will be from other amused vegans, with the remainder evenly divided between (a) vegans without a sense of humour - an all too common breed, I fear, and (b) jackasses who see the word "vegan" and are unable to restrain themselves from spewing out hate for anyone who lives even a little bit differently. (Probably why they read Savage Love, too.)
Wow who knew vegans were so touchy!
It's a joke don't be so leotarded.
To maple syrup guy is it real maple syrup
or that fake aunt Jamima sh!t cus I love
real maple syrup. I drink it out of the bottle
and I love sucking on those hard maple syrup
candies. Let's hook up!
@185 Thanks, yonilady! I'd heard mixed things about Urban Tantra... But I'll pick up a copy and take a look.
I am completely confused on who is the woman and who is the man in the "sexual predator" in the first query of this week's column. What the hell is "biologically female"? Can't we just continue using "woman" "man"?! The sexual predator was a woman who made a drunken pass at her male roommate or was it the other way around?! Jeez!
I am completely confused on who is the woman and who is the man in the "sexual predator" in the first query of this week's column. What the hell is "biologically female"? Can't we just continue using "woman" "man"?! The sexual predator was a woman who made a drunken pass at her male roommate or was it the other way around?! Jeez!
I'm not surprised by Dan's vegan joke. When i started this lifestyle years ago, my taste got improved with time. I can say now that when i was a meat eater i thought that food could be tasty only if it would be full of fat and salt. Now i enjoy tasty untasty food. Anyway's, as a perception issue, it is irrelevant. So you can be vegan and like "untasty" food or be a meat-eater and like fat and salt. Both ways eating is good xD
Oh Jesus-Fuck.
A normal, sexually agressive woman turns up in this hetero wasteland and she's got more guilt than your average liberal arts professor doing a lecture on Vietnam.

You can rape me anytime, Sex Predator.
I'll even take you out for a steak afterward.
@192, I started eating healthier but didn't stop eating meat and my taste buds improved too.

Wow, oversaturated taste buds have nothing to do with being vegan. Revelation.
Am I the only one who suspects ORGASM was trolling with an Old King Clancy reference? 'Cuz, as other commenters have duly noted, that is just not the stumper of a problem he makes it out to be.

Well, a lot of our dietary preferences are maladaptive to our current lifestyles, but that's neither here nor there.

My reason for responding is so I can vent what has become a recurring bugbear in my life. Bear in mind, please, that I don't intend to insult you or your sensibilities, and if I've misunderstood your points, please correct me.

Okay? Good. Organic farming is pants-on-head retarded. Let's start from the top.

We have no actual evidence that organic farming is better for us. Aside from the assumptions that artificial parts of food are inherently harmful, and things like preservatives and flavorings are carcinogenic (maybe), or otherwise really bad (not confirmed) leads us to a simple, but ultimately unfounded, assumption: natural is better.

Let's look at this logically. Would we say that it's better to take willow bark instead of Aspirin? Probably not, since the most "organic" form of it actually gives us ulcers. Would we say that it's better to go without glasses or contacts? Not I. We accept that technology and science make our lives both more manageable, and healthier. Hell, all of the vitamin supplements vegans take are products of modern technology (they're decidedly un-"organic"). And, not for nothing, but according to Norman Borlaugh (who won the Nobel Prize in 1979 and is credited with saving over one hundred million lives with the creation of dwarf wheat), we could support a human population of around four billion if we used organic farming techniques and every inch of arable land on the planet. That's about two billion fewer people than we have.

Is there any benefit to grass-fed cattle, or to any of the other organic farming techniques? From a subjective basis, sure. If it helps you sleep at night, thinking that the cow lived a better life, or if you think it tastes better. But, it doesn't change anything significant about the rest of the chemical equations.

Also, just to put what I hope is the final nail in the coffin, life expectancy rose steadily over the last seventy years, and one of the major contributors was the ability to eat things like meat and fruits and vegetables, largely due to the rise in pesticides and preservatives.

Better living through chemistry, baby.
@ 176,
My comment about meat included the organic label because I thought that there are no grass-finished non-organic meats on the market (maybe there are?). While some phenomena of commercial meat production are definitely a no-no (routine feeding of antibiotics? hello superbugs!), I think it's enough to be reasonable about it and not overdo it with chemicals and you'll be ok, no need to go overboard and not use any chemicals at all.

Now as for why grass-finished beef, it's because there are good things in grass. Excellent things even, and ingesting grass makes meat vastly more nutritious (and it tastes differently, in my opinion definitely better - meat from farm factories has no taste at all). Think about it, if you feed your animal corn and soy, that's what's going to be in its meat, nutrients from corn and soy. Thank you very much but I have enough of those in my diet already. In the words of Michael Pollan, you are what what you eat eats.
Seldon @196,

You get 1000 bonus points for mentioning Norman Borlaug, who was quite possibly the beneficial person in history, yet most people don't know his name. He's actually credited with saving more than billion--jesus christ man, a billion--people from starving to death. And yet his methods have critics. There are some who whine that he uses fertilizers and pesticides (although a huge part of his work involved creating disease and pest-resistant strains of wheat) and that genetically breeding food is "bad." Well, I'm with you; let's USE science instead of protesting it and see if we can get the entirety of the world's population in a position to feed themselves. There are sustainable ways to do this, people just need to stop being insufferable hippies on the subject and actually work on them.
My BF lovely maple syrup. I'm *so* gettingsome fengugreek :)
Regarding your response to AIASP - As a point of clarification - when you write: "...You’re only a sexual predator—or guilty of sexual assault—if go after people who are incapable of granting consent..." Are you including those "below the legal age to consent"? or are you talking about "incapable" as in mentally, physically or otherwise handicapped? (or all of the above) I am curious because as you know, the legal age of consent varies from state-to-state and that could mean that one may be labeled a Predator [using your definition] for example in Oregon or California, but not Washington - its confusing.
I strongly suspect that if AIASP is, in fact, as heavily into women's studies as everyone thinks she is, she wouldn't dream of suggesting that her actions could be compared to the actions of a man in the same kind of scenario. The overlying theme of virtually all women's studies classes is that because women are so disadvantaged that they can never be held to the same standards as men.

Yes, I know, that sounds like a wild caricature of liberals that could come from a right-wing website, but...when it comes to that particular fringe of the feminist movement, it's true.

Clearly the letter-writer knows quite a bit about "politically correct" language, and she probably considers herself an extremely left-wing (maybe even "radical" feminist.) But I'm not ready to call her out as someone who's taken way too many women's studies classes. The crux of the argument she used to criticize her actions was one that most women's studies professors would immediately, passionately reject.
Thanks Dan. Regardless of the tiresome pontificating by some commenters, both the women's studies and vegan food comments were fucking HI-LA-RI-OUS. The rest of the advice this week was spot-on too!

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