Columns Jan 13, 2011 at 4:00 am

The Crying Game


Also, I am only bothered when it is an innane/insensitive comment or pejorative about such a subject (when they say it, and why is it that people who are bigoted tend to be religious -- when religion is supposed to instill the opposite in people). And even then, I take it (to myself) as "They don't know any better, and I have no way of changing their minds."
I'm seriously getting onto a soapbox no, but I'm bisexual and I could honestly live either way. I hate being stuck having to choose between one or the other, it honestly would be much simpler if I was totally gay - and wouldn't have to worry.
Part of it is that I don't want to know their answers (already feel that my dad's love is conditional, don't want to have to see if that is true for granny), especially if I am not bothered immensely by it.
Furthermore, I haven't really had any positive experiences with my mom knowing -- again it is an excuse. But why the hell change if NOTHING will be different and might potentially get worse?
No amount of touting "self-honesty" will change my mind; it doesn't help any that I have worse problems than this one (minor and trivial issue in comparison). I don't want sympathy, and my original intention was just to comment on the eeriness of the parallels between this one person's life and mine. Preview of my problems: imagine the worst (horrifying) thought you could think of (play it over in vivid detail over and over again until something reminds you of it -- like a mind fuck except your subconscious is doing it to you) and try being helpless in the process -- repeat until the misery overwhelms you until you reach out to a shrink; that is one of my problems. I am not saying that my life is the worst (certainly not true, but it can be); I was just (outloud, admittedly) drawing conclusions not looking for platitudes (no offense). I am at fault; but couldn't help but post something.
For CSNWG's issue, I'm voting for Palinite: a crusty remnant that needs to be pissed away.
@54 & 90 - yes, yes. Other holes in her story: If they were truly open and healthy, she wouldn't be asking Dan questions 1 or 2, she'd be working that out with her partner. She should know there aren't strict "poly rules", the rules depend on the individuals involved, like any relationship. Also, why is "girlfriends" in quotes? She's the only "real" girlfriend? And - it's not up to her whether or not her guy "squelches the romance", that is up to him (if they were truly open, that is).

That said, I've been in a healthy open relationship with a guy for 14+ years, and he's had a few good 1-3 year relationships end in heartache because the women would eventually realize they were really monogamous. No bad drama, just, "I thought I could do this but it's not for me." Still very sad for both of them, but he's honest from the start and they chose to date him anyway, so what can you do? Just saying, just because many of CaR's b/f's previous relationships ended badly it doesn't mean he/they did anything wrong. Other women's expectations aren't the couple's problem (assuming they are totally honest from the start). My guy's exes understood that even if I wasn't around, he still wouldn't be monogamous with them, so the problem wasn't about me or us, it was simply incompatibility. Sadly though, I don't think this is the case with CaR. She seems to want monogamy light/swinging, not a fully open relationship with all the trust and communication required to make it healthy and sustainable.

[sorry about the long rant]
SUPER's girlfriend should feel lucky that he simply fantasizes about superheroines and that's it. Chris Claremont, who actually writes for superhero comics every now and again, likes to get fisted by women dressed as Storm from the X-Men. No, really. There are some prostitutes who could tell you some stories.

But either way if her knee-jerk reaction to "I sometimes have sexual fantasies about superheroes" is "There's something wrong with you," that'd be a deal-breaker for me. It's not really my thing, despite being a comics nerd myself, but I'd be more than a little pissed at the idea of having wasted two months with someone like that and didn't see it coming.
The GF who was upset by the superhero fantasy probably has a problem with all the photoshopped images that dudes drool over in the media too. Give her a break b/c it's not easy to make sense of how what men fantasize about looks nothing like what most real women look like. I used to be jealous of Jessica Rabbit. Might still be if my boyfriend told me he fantasized about her.
Great Caesar's Ghost! Dude wasn't even asking her to dress up or role play. She asked him for some of his fantasies and he told her one that's only slightly less vanilla than "spooning" and considerably more vanilla than "threesome with two girls."

What possible fantasy could any human being have that wouldn't freak her out if this one managed to do it? And don't go around asking what your boyfriend's fantasies are if you clearly can't handle the fact that he has any at all. If he didn't have fantasies he wouldn't be sleeping with you - and you'd both be better off.
Voting against sement. It's great, but I'm with 72: too hard to differentiate between that and cement. Having to stress SEEment instead of suhMENT is a pain; makes the jokes instantly annoying. Also, possible confusion between "I got sement in my dick" and "I got cement in my dick" could result in unpleasantness. Santorum's great because there's no ambiguity.

I liked "crusty pickle" -- I'm wondering if there's a way to bring the political thing into that....
marjaw, you know that Jessica Rabbit is a cartoon and that there is no way for some to cheat on you with "her" right? How can you be jealous of an attraction to a fictional character, even if they are drawn with ridiculous proportions?

And for the record... we might like our super-heroines big-boobed and scantily clad, but its not straight men buying all those photoshopped images of 'real' women in Cosmo and... whatever other magazines photoshop women's waists and thighs into oblivion. (Star? Us Weekly?)
"Your "wonderful" open relationship may be working for you, but if it's not working for them, CAR, then it's not working."

I wouldn't immediately assume the open relationship isn't working. One of the things that I have learned from my experience of open relating is that just because my heart has started doing backflips over someone doesn't mean they will fit into my life/lovestyle. Historically I have tried to make this new love fit into my existing model and consistently it hasn't worked. So thus I've decided that I can keep my love for these people but it is the better part of wisdom to not bring them into the fold of my inner world lest I risk having all of their issues with open relating blowing my currently good relationships apart.
Just read this about the twosome who hurt their thirds. It sounded fake to me too, but in the column it's treated as hypocrisy rather than fraud. What a funny world we live in.
I suggest sement be changed to semenent to clarify the difference between cement.
@133, I can get behind that.

I also thought of "Bristol plug."
Erg, I meant 113. Semenent.
How about the "Falwell"?
I was told that there already is a word for that: "Furmunda". It's not very funny, but I think it's a real word.
So we add another freaking homonym to the English language -- get the hell over it!: Accept, except; they're, their, there; its and it's -- there are others that I can't think of right at this second.
Santorum on your face for whoever doesn't like sement.
Since it's a pain in the ass when your dick clogged like that would something like Cum Condom work?
The crusty blockage that has to be pissed away after sex should be named after Fred Phelps of the westboro church.

Behold - I present to you, THE PHELPS PLUG
Straight Big Brother should also clue his sibling in on how to clear his browser history. If his mother found out he's guy from Facebook, he's way too clueless to be using the family computer for porn viewing.
The crusty blockage that has to be pissed away after sex should be named after Fred Phelps of the westboro church.

Behold - I present to you, THE PHELPS PLUG
Sorry, I meant "found out he's GAY from Facebook"...
To the people who think Dan should go easy on SUPER's girlfriend:

I'm sorry, but when you ask someone to reveal their innermost secrets, you don't laugh or otherwise go ballistic on them when they do.

That is, if you ever want to hear any of their other fantasies. Or for that matter, expect *them* to ever tell *anyone* about their fantasies again. See also: Closet Crossdressers.

What the hell was she expecting in the first place? Maybe she's bi or something and was using this as a lead-in to a threesome.
The crusty blockage that has to be pissed away after sex should be the Palin Blockage. She seems to block everything else that would relieve us in this country
Sarah P?
I'm surprised no one has addressed this yet, and that Dan totally missed it himself:
(I already knew because I would be treated to some interesting porn whenever I opened the browser on the family computer after he used it.)

After older bro' gives the 'it's okay to be gay' speech, he should end up w/ "And STOP leaving your porn on the friggin' family computer!!!"

Just because you close the browser doesn't mean it's gone forever. The next person who starts Firefox is going to be welcomed w/ the last image desired by the previous user. It don't matter if it's straight or gay or latex feathered flower-arranging inter-racial speed-dating porn. If you're going to watch it on the family 'puter, learn how to clean the history file!

And to SUPER & the rest of the SL readers, what's the new name for prodding your sex partner into revealing their sexual fantasies & then immediately dumping on them for having those fantasies? I'd just go w/ Dan's (non-gender-specific) 'asshole-move,' although I might add a 'major-' prefix.
Can we plllleeease name the jiz blockage 'Palin'??
"Santorum's great because there's no ambiguity. " HAR!
@54 -
No, not the only one. She is soooooo not threatened AT ALL by this soon to be heart-broken girl, it's really just pity she feels for her, cuz she is soooooo not threatened...
CAR's relationship seems to be one-sided open... no mention of how her other boyfriends.

With regard to sement, as others have said, the written is good, the said not so. Nobody would recognize the syllable stress for what it meant.

Thanks, Dan, for a good column.
Random uncalled for playback of auditory memory from my childhood, of Ellie May from "The Beverly Hillbillies" talking about going for "a swim in the Sement pond."

Aaaagh! Brain bleach!
I voted for sement before, but almost equally good is spitzer. Spitzer, hahahaha!
Never had Sement before. Maybe you just need to take a pee after.

I thought Dan was hard on the unicorn hunting couple. I am guessing if 2 is tough to make work then 3 is even harder. So maybe their problem is that poly is HARD. That doesn't mean you quit trying. Perhaps they could be conscious and more considerate, more open and honest there is little evidence they are doing anything wrong. So the reaming out was out of line.

On the coming out thing, doesn't putting your sexual orientation on Facebook as "GAY" mean you have already come out? Is there some requirement that every single family member etc gets a special speech and has to throw a coming out party?

The superhero hater is a real bitch. That is one of the worst thing you can do to somebody- draw them out and then blindside their perfectly reasonable fantasy. The cunt should hear my rape, mind control, and crucifixion fantasies if she wants to know about "deep psychological problems" and "fundamental immaturity."
Crusty blockage= palinPAC
#74's probably onto something. It makes no sense to ask what someone's fantasy is and react that way, especially since the fantasy is pretty un-weird. But the girlfriend may have been expecting a specific act she could engage in with her boyfriend, and she may feel threatened that his fantasy involves an idealized female body almost no woman has. She may well have thought that his preference for a super-heroine was immature, and in fact, I'll bet this fantasy started when he was a pre-teen.

So even though she massively overreacted and behaved assholishly, I think the letter writer should talk to her about this before kicking to the curb a woman he is "crazy about."
I'm torn between seconding the nomination that any dry old crusty semen clogging a guy's dick be called a "Phelps", or calling it a Sprigg (after Peter Sprigg of the FRC): 'cause either way until ya man up and just piss it off, you don't go freely.
Crusty blockage=PalinPAC

"that lovin' was bomb, but the resulting palinPAC in my member caused me to piss on the bathroom curtains."
I'm leaning towards naming that any dry old crusty semen clogging a guy's dick be called a Sprigg (after Peter Sprigg of the Family Research Council). But I have to say, another part of me is so seconding the nomination of calling it a "Phelps".

Either way, until ya man up and just go piss it off you won't go freely.
Why not call that blockage a Glenn Beckage? Beckage is close enough to blockage that it'll be easy to say, and both the man and the bodily function involve bodily fluid flying from an orifice. In one case, urine from the penis, in the other shit from the mouth.
"Sement" is already a sex term. Look it up on Urban Dictionary.

There should definitely be a more creative idea than that. I like Phelps...
Maybe SUPER's (hopefully ex) gf felt threatened by his perfectly harmless fantasy, because she doesn't think she would do justice to a superhero costume herself. ("Dammit! He likes HOT girls? Guess I'm out of the game...think I'll belittle him, to make myself feel superior.")

Serious asshattery going on, there.

SUPER - please find yourself a good GGG girl who will support you - bet you can find one who will rock a superhero costume as well. There are plenty of us who would be happy to indulge such a charming fetish for our man.
To SUPER - she asked you about fantasies after the first time you had sex, and when you talked about one that is not much kinkier than wearing lingerie from Victoria's Secret, she went off? Definitely something odd going on there. In your shoes, I wouldn't bail on the relationship, but make sure to re-visit the topic "when I was talking about the superheroine fantasy, I was thinking maybe you dress up and we have some fun." Again, like some other posters have mentioned, it might be more about the idea of "not me" is what is bugging her.

Man, I wish my husband had fantasies like this! We have a lot of fun, but he is basically cool with my fantasies and whatever I want. Sometimes, it would be fun to have him tell me what to do or what he wants (other than, you know, getting me naked) :-)
Ha, man... That one girl "freaked out" over her boyfriend's "psychological problems and fundamental immaturity," which may very well mean she laughed and said "oh my god, so you have a cartoon fetish. That's so childish." So of course, she's a CUNT who needs be HATEFUCKED and subjected to other people's rape and crucifixion fetishes.
@135, when CAR turned up as a SLOTD, someone pointed out that the couple should be looking for people experienced with poly, and who have other support systems in their lives...

@bsmaster112 - please tell some of your real life friends how you are feeling... You sound in crisis, and I'm hoping you can find the strength to ask for help. You are not to blame for your life sucking; life just sucks sometimes and you have to just take it day by day.
Sement = Awesome!

bsmaster112: Been there, done that. I got tired of my family asking to meet my girlfriend (or why I didn't have one). If you're not going through that, fine, but I think your therapist will ask you to be honest with yourself and those around you. It's the only way to be mentally healthy. I think you should look into a group of people from Put this on the {map} They might be able to help you.

CAR: Everyone should be forewarned that they are getting into a poly relationship. For the most part, they work better that way (thanks Dan).

SUPER: You were done wrong. If she didn't want to know the answer, she should never have asked the question.
...of course she's an insensitive jerk who overreacted, but jesus christ.
"The gf's reaction is too much, but that is not necessarily reason to drop her like a carrier of Sigourney Weaver's Alien. Gf may just need some education, transformation, and graduation, like the rest of us."

Not. Going. To. Work.

The problem is not just that she has sexual hang-ups, but that she engages in psychological violence; i.e: inviting him to open up about his private sexual fantasies, then when he does, suddenly morphing into a living Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM III), virtually annihilating him with a tone of authoritarian and clinical certitude. Staying in the relationship and thinking that by "being patient" and trying to "educate" her will change the situation is a prescription for further and even more damaging abuse.
@ 147, thank you for your candor -- but they have never asked me about a girlfriend. With regards to those experiences I have been oddly blessed with being in the right place in the right time (5th grade, had my arms around two older girls -- and of course my dad saw). My reproductive success is only important to my mom (who wants grandchildren to spoil and is okay with me). I am always up for being mentally healthy, but I have obstacles I need to face way before I even think about telling the rest of my family. And I am surprised that no one has brought up the chicken-shittery of coming out via Facebook -- if my family REALLY wants to know (they are friended after all, and it is information that we share) it is clearly there. But, at this point if one more straw breaks my back I'm letting the inner bitch in me out -- and everyone is going to have to pucker up (above and below) because it will not be pretty.
Dick Boogers.

Also - the first pee after sex, always sit down. Forget about whether it looks wrong for a dude. It beats explaining why you spent 5 minutes cleaning the bathroom floor. SO worth it.
@145 Dude, *one* guy called her a cunt, and he said she should HEAR his fantasies, not "be tied down and forcibly subjected to them". NOBODY said she should get hatefucked. Nobody's hating on vanilla girls, they're just confused as to what this girl wouldn't consider irredeemably, beyond the pale, way-too-kinky. I mean, honestly, "superheroines" is on the order of "light spanking" and "chocolate syrup". Hell, it's slightly less kinky than "sexy schoolgirls", which is so thoroughly mainstream it hardly counts.
@150 Good luck to you, then. I can see how it would be tricky if they're paying for your education, and as you say, it's your business...but, as @147 suggested, the public face you've been presenting to everyone since forever, it sounds like, may be part of what is causing you stress? Anyhoo, lots of people here who just love to give free advice (not that you actually want it) if you are in the market... :)
Spork (spoo cork, spunk cork, semen cork)? Too bad it already has a meaning. Although it does open up a cheesy line: "baby I'd love to spoon but I've gotta go take care of this spork." Or a PSA: "Remember kids, de-spork before you spoon."
Another vote for Phelps for CSNWG's question. Scalzi recently linked to a wonderful article exploring Phelps's methods and motivations ( ) and anyone voting "Phelps" might be interested to read it.
1. The boyfriend should find someone experienced in poly (maybe even someone with a primary partner of her own).

2. Yes, talk to him (and also tell him to clear the browser history - leaving porn up is just rude).

3. I agree that what SUPER's girlfriend did was ridiculous, but he should find out why she freaked out (maybe she's jealous, as some people said, or she's naive - or she could be an emotionally abusive/manipulative fuckwit). There could be a totally valid reason, but SUPER won't know if the relationship is worth saving until he asks. Plus, if he dumps her for this without an explanation, she'll convince herself that he was a pervert and that she did nothing wrong - even if the relationship ends up not being salvageable, maybe she'll learn something in the process of trying to make things work.

4. PEE AFTER SEX. Gross.
yes, peeing after sex is good, but what happened to #15? "Crusty O'Donnell" is frickin' awesome.
@ 153,
Thank you for respecting that; it was my fault (as I do not fail to point out), but my sexuality is the least of my worries now. Basically keeping myself happy and occupied is what I need; and I hate airing out dirty laundry -- but as I have done it to the nth degree already, I might as well right? My pseudofacade or whatever goes on in my fool head -- it is not that I keep myself from living my life (admittedly I don't comment on anyone's looks, but that is a problem I am rapidly getting over): I support my campus' LGBTQ community, consider myself a member, attend their functions regularly and (hate this phrase) religiously. I want a relationship, but can't help feeling unready (I realize that I don't have to be 100%, honestly I would kill for 50% -- but that is too optimistic at this point) and unable to make the leap and just choose. On campus (I am technically away at school 1000 miles from home) I act according to my true nature -- timid/shy but loveable and smart. Also, I have no way of separating me from whatever kind of mask it is that I wear -- and it is not like I take it off -- which is my problem. Where the mask ends, or I begin is honestly anyone's guess; I wish I had a better understanding of myself and I don't. People to meet, crosses to bear -- that's just life. Enough with my unorthodox social life; I don't think I could stand another comment.
Sement is (already) the substance, we have to name the circumstance.
Call it the PUB

Partial Urethral Blockage
Dang, sement is taken, but the definition isn't really that far off. So all it needs is a little modifier, like boehner cement.

I like the Limbaugh suggestion too. How about Limp(dick)baughers, in honor of the poster boy for viagra smugglers? Boy, boy molester... close enough.
>The crusty blockage? That's easy: SEMENT!

Yup, @12 has a lock on it, I think!
Hi first time commenter, long time fan. I think the u-block should quite simply be called the filibuster.
#156 "There could be a totally valid reason,"

No there could not.
CSNWG - the word is kumclot.
Can think of a bunch for coital cap: jebseal, bush seal, an Orrin hatch. An Eliot Splitster.... But my vote goes to: it's an Orrinhatch
Okay, kumclot is pure genius, too. Maybe if you don't dislodge the kumclot right away, it becomes sement.
Cumclot is also a dirty word; changing it to kumclot (which is basically the same thing as sement) is kind of disappointing really.
We should popularize sement, though -- it sounds classical and infintely dirty "She's [semented] in there pretty well." Cumclot (which is how it is spelt in the urban dictionary) sounds like the fruit -- too cute. Which is why my vote is for sement. Getting on another subject: I'm tired of all the political crap -- we get it they suck (but you know what all VERY successfull politicians suck! Anywhere and everywhere that they can fuck you they will, because in part it is an innane but totally legitamized popularity contest). Good Lord, now I am all hot and sweaty -- cumclots and sements (how bout a lube named sement -- clever, but no one would by it unless there was an explanation of the name). Don't you miss the times when all we had was word of mouth to get words like snowballing, felching, and cum-slag out there? Now, we even have a dictionary for our own dirty words (are we more perverse or less perverse for having created such a thing to invent our own dirty words? I say less because it goes against intuition and if everybody knows the meaning -- let's face it, we want to tell people (almost a source of pride in some, myself included) to gross them out, tell them how raunchy and nasty our minds are, and basically feign sexually mastery -- the name loses it's power).
--These words of dishonesty brought to you by the pungent mist of a fart from downwind. Again santorum in your mouth if you don't like what I say.
"sement beck"
I think I've got it. I'm still saying seament for the win, and even more so because it instantly brings to mind the Beverly Hillbilies and Dukes of Hazard, and this neighbor I used to have...

And when you're blocked with seament and don't Spitzer it out promptly, the nagging infection that shows up two days later and refuses to go away is your Palin.

Phelps is pretty well cornered now by guys who get in and out of the pool much more quickly than the average man, but perhaps it could also be expanded to include the infected track marks you get after sharing a needle with your prostitute while on a week-long meth binge...
@150 bsmaster Only you can decide when and if to come out. Only your family will be able (or not) to control their actions. You (and possibly your therapist) are the one(s) in a position to judge what the possible fallout may be.

But generally speaking, if it puts you in danger of actual physical harm: don't do it in person.

If it puts you in danger of them tossing you out on your ass, leaving you underage and destitute: Perhaps it may be best to wait a couple of years.

If it means they won't pay for college: do you really need them to? To me, every single penny of the student loans I'll be paying off until I'm 97 is worth it to have been able to look at the people trying to use their money to control my decisions and make me be who they wanted me to be, and say, "it's okay, I don't need it."

And it sounds like half your family already knows, so why not just get the rest of it over with? Does it ever occur to you that you could be putting additional strain on your family dynamic just by having some family members keep you in the closet to others? And if it's no big deal, why are you making such a big deal out of it by NOT telling your father -- especially when odds are he already knows?

You never know, they might be just as pleasantly surprised at your directness and honesty, as you are by their adult, mature, reasonable reactions to it. See the responses from some of the awesome parents on this board. But then, I don't know your family...

My cousin had to slap me to my senses and tell me I was being rude by not coming out to certain people (conservative grandmother included). I thought it was no big deal too, but certain people want to have "The Conversation" with you. Either because they want to feel included, or because they want to have their say about it.

So over a few months, I made it a point to have The Conversation with everybody who didn't already "know."

And you know what, after everybody had their reactions--which ranged from "duuuuhhhh @.@" to "what about grandkids?!?!?" to "You make Jesus cry, you're not welcome in my home, or to the family functions we hold here" to "when do I meet your girlfriend?" to "I never want to meet any girlfriend," to "hey, let's go out and pick up some chicks" to "don't expect any money out of me"--it turns out they still love me anyways--even if it took them until Jesus finally stopped crying to admit it aloud. And, I'm not indebted to them for anything, I never have to worry about trying to hide who I am around them, or worry about introducing them to a new girlfriend or boyfriend, but at the same time I don't flaunt it around certain family members, and they do their best to keep their muttering about the evils of "teh gays" (and by extension "teh bis") out my earshot.

But you know, Dan's said this so much more eloquently than me so many times. Yours is not an uncommon situation, and he answers variations on this question on a regular basis. Read, watch, listen, follow links. You'll learn something.

And haven't you heard yet?


Oh, and stick with therapy. Images that cycle and you can't get rid of, depending on the nature of the image, are generally a sign of something Not Good. PTSD, obsessive disorders, major depression, severe anxiety, and so on. Though, sometimes, a change of scenery (perhaps a college Far Far Away) and putting new stuff in your head to focus on can work wonders too.
Need the political thng workin' eh?

Limbaughter was about

Gotta have the political thing goin' on, eh?


Limbaughter was close...

I'm kinda disagreeing on the SUPER question.

Which is to say, I think there's two different questions. One is about a guy who fantasizes about super heroes, and asked if that was normal -- the other is about a girl who had sex with a guy for the first time, and in the afterglow of pillowtalk, when she was trying to pick up on ideas from his fantasies about how they should have sex next time, he told her that he'd rather be having sex with cartoon characters.

In other words, she probably wanted to know about his fantasies *about her*. When she found out that she WASN'T the object of the fantasies of the guy she just slept with, she reacted poorly.

So don't write her off, necessarily. And don't take her words to heart; she was wanting to hear how wonderful she is, and how much you want to do it again, with her; telling her about how wonderful PowerGirl's cleavage would have been like a bucket of cold water on her head, but so would have been telling her you fantasize about celebrities or enjoy watching porn: it was supposed to be about her, and it wasn't. That's her problem, not superheroes.

Which isn't to say that she handled it well, either. Just saying that I think both SUPER and Dan answered the wrong question.
Some years ago I saw a comedian on Late Night with Conan do a bit about split streams while urinating. If memory serves correct, he referred to it has Magic Harry Potter Tinkle, or something to that effect.

To this day, when I have a stream shoot off in an unintended direction I say to my say, 'whoa, Harry Potter tinkle.'
I thought it was called smegma? Is that totally different?
Wow, The woman is freaked out by a little yen for a busty chick in seriously form fitting clothes, who is, by definition, "good" ("good" as opposed to "bad", in this case) who can, despite being all things honorable, kick major ass... This strikes me as a GOOD thing in a fella- if we're going to disect and analyze a completely harmless and culturally commonplace fantasy, wanting to do Wonder Woman strikes me as a marvelous tribute to an admiration of strong, independant, incorruptable (as in "will do the right thing at every crossroads" regardless of risk or inconvenience) I'd say this is as "pro-woman" as stroke fuel gets..... and it's not that damn significant. Almost fantasies are at least somewhat adolescent simply because most took hold during puberty... DUH.
The woman is a bitch to have coaxed him to share and then kicked him for it... Dan's right, the door should hit her ass on the way out.
Smegma is totally different- That's the disgusting combination of shed skin cells, bacteria, sweat and traces of urine and other secretions that collects under the foreskin of an uncircumsised man who is not careful about keeping himself clean... sort of the penile equivilant of toe jam.
I love "sement," but I want to throw my own hat into the ring with "fillibuster."
Sement rules, but @22, how about "drilling mud"
"der WeinerBlochenSchpritzer"?

A "pudplug"?

A "270" (number of degrees my piddle radiates from my member)

and a little nod to "poopnoodle": "spoogenoodle"
I'm going to go with 'splockage' for the new word.
Crusty semen on the tip of the penis: a "gop" (named after the GOP and their attempts to block progress)
"A cumclot of sement made me piss on the walls and floor."

but then, what else would a cumclot consist of?
I'm with arsfrisco on the cum blockage and the risk of peeing all over the place. Sit down, for goodness sakes! And why would you even worry about it looking wrong for a dude? You sit down when you take a dump don't you? (Don't you!?)
I'm with arsfrisco (#151): sit down when you pee after sex. And don't worry about it looking weird for a dude. You sit down when you take a dump, don't you? Don't you?! In fact, if you regularly share a bathroom with a female, think of sitting down all the time. Way less toilet rim splatter.
May I suggest for the blockage word: Scalia? Like scale, it blocks the pipes.
May I suggest for the new word for the blockage: Scalia? Like scale, it blocks the pipes.
Crizz = Crusty Jizz
In response to CSNWG: I like sement and if popular opinion rules it will probably be the winner, BUT when I heard of the "problem" I thought of a "semen" cap on one's penis, so I looked up the official name of the caps Seamen wear to see if it was a good fit..."Gob Cap" - it fit perfectly!
@13 - can we conform it to RushBaugh? I like that a little better and just love your suggestion of him for the honor!
OMFG, worst mistake -- making a comment that had anything to do with me. I'll just comment on the dirty words and not make this horrible, horrible mistake -- thank you Lord, I have learned my lesson: do not comment if someone else is going to think that they know your life better than you do.
Anyway...@171, thank you for telling me all that? For me, I am in a college Far Far Away (can't pay out of state tuition because it is insane and I only get subsidized loans -- and that is just for tuition; that is to say that -- I don't have a job yet -- I do not have ANY money for anything else, although I have worked on changing that. I have bent over backwards with scholarship applications and generally trying to help; myself out a bit; but none of that is certain/dependable because my mother made herself into a decent person). Off that soapbox and onto another one -- thank you for telling me that I could be messed up (NOT the word I thought first) and while your differential diagnosis is delightly informed (of course it is, why would someone be so willing to dole out medical advice if they didn't absolutely know right?) it is entirely wasted. My therapist knows more about me than anyone on the planet, because I cannot (nor do I wish to) disclose certain information about myself to my family. And if they are so in want of thinking that they know this about me -- and want to "confirm" and/or rant about it -- 1) why should I let them? 2) It is out there -- if people want to know they can ASK me or look it up! 3) We don't share our sex lives with our family, so why the fuck does our family care? 4) Screw honesty! It is not always the best policy -- I am not damaged by it (never teased in high school or middle school and I was not in the closet there) and my family is blissfully ignorant. 5) (Can't help but use complete sentences even though it is a list) I have no perspective on the situation -- so even if I wanted to change it (if it isn't broke, don't fix it) -- there would be no way to satisfy my needs.
Let's just say, for argument's sake that I come out right now -- tell them everything. Basically I'd be telling them "Well, I am bisexual so you can be upset for [certain period of time] and rant and rave -- but after that you can't do it or I am jumping off the bandwagon." They might say they knew, they might be shocked, maybe even cry a little bit. Where does that leave me if I basically do not change any of my core behaviors? It leaves me with a hurt family, and me feeling like a major asshole who made a major mistake. And lastly, even if I did get some benefit from it I won't be happy until I get my (far removed, and possibly completely separate) mental problems under control.
I realize you said that I have the choice -- and I certainly do. If there is NO benefit for me, or them (I don't give a crap if they feel uncomfortable about me in the closet, if they wanted to be the better person and fix a lie then they can TALK to me -- I have given them no indication that I would not be okay with any advice from my family) then what is the point in doing it?
But honesty is somehow this magical thing that keeps people unstressed and happy? Hell to the no!
Tired of it, and will stop reading the comments -- so it will be physically pointless to give me advice (because I am clearly a wackjob and not worth your precious words). So don't strain yourselves trying to "advise" me.
--Seament is a better word, but I still like sement even though it has a non-popularized definition already. If you have a criticism about my spelling or grammar, you may go ahead and fellate me.
A new blockage-word suggestion: spog.

In honor of SPOG, the police officers' guild.

hahahaha sement... i love it.
74 makes a good point. I have a friend who makes it a habit of telling older women how attracted he is to young women. Of course they get pissed off and forget about their supposed liberal open mindedness. Maybe the gf took offense in the same way she might if he admitted he had a thing for 18 year old chearleaders, or the women in playboy. Kind of dumb if you look at it that way.
look no further - sement and spitzer are both absolutely perfect.
198 assured, no more advice, from me anyway. Sorry to presume.
what you are describing is called "Kalanbè" in Haitian creole. It is used in Haitian curses.

Dan Savage,
I am hoping that the event of a Haitian writing in to Savage Love about Creole is rare enough that I get a mention.

It's good to hope, at least.
@145: '...which may very well mean she laughed and said "oh my god, so you have a cartoon fetish. That's so childish." '

If we have to second-guess what she actually said, I'll take his wording over yours. Something about "fundamental immaturity" has the ring of a direct quote to me.

Letter Writer: Clearly she has just demonstrated to you that she is emotionally unsafe. She drew you out in a moment of shared intimacy, openness, and vulnerability, and then stomped on you.

The fact that the overreaction was over something so vanilla tells me that the person with the maturity problem is her, not you; but that is kind of beside the point. You can't do anything about her issues. You can only take responsibility for yourself.

Were I in your shoes, that would be the last personal question I would answer in her presence for a very long time, perhaps ever. Once it's been established that she needs to stay on the outside of your emotional armor, that tends to seriously spoil her chances of being the right relationship for you. At that point, why prolong it?

It's possible that you giving her a curt dismissal will clue her in as to how how badly she fucked up (hell, print this article and give it to her), she'll apologize, and make a serious effort to get her shit together. At that point you can reconsider your options. (Personally, I doubt that will work, because after you dump her, _both_ of you will be feeling unsafe about the other. But hey, you never know.) But don't even consider getting back together unless she gets down on her metaphorical knees and takes full responsibility for the all-but-premeditated knee-chopping she dealt you.
A crusty blockage that has to be pissed away after sex. For some reason the term PALIN comes to mind as she (paraphrasing CNSWG) Spurts out like a geyser that kinda hurts or shoots off at some crazy angle and gets all over the place.
how about Dyke VanDick.
dutch translation: dam from the dick.
i.e."Gotta go pee so I don't wake up with Dyke VanDick."

sement is good but too subtle aurally.
filibuster- isn't that already what happens while you're generating Santorum?

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