Columns Jan 13, 2011 at 4:00 am

The Crying Game


great advice to SUPER, Dan. That woman doesn't deserve someone as open as him. When my boyfriend told me he was into lates, I thought it was wierd at first, but jumped right in and tried wearing it. And you know what? Now latex is HOT!
Awesome advice to CAR -- she sounds like a jerk who's *already* violated this woman's privacy via her equally jerky husband.
Can I possibly be first, when I have nothing more to say than I love it when Dan puts us in our respective places, uh Sir...
I guess I've discovered my own place, #3. Oh well...
@5- disagree. If he'd instigated the fantasy sharing, and the GF went off on him for immature, then maybe she just needs initiating.

But SHE asked about his fantasies. You can't do that unless you're ready to deal with fantasies. And face it, his superheroine thing is pretty vanilla as fantasies go. It could have been a LOT "worse."

But SHE asked, then shot down his harmless vanilla fantasy as a sign of some kind on immaturity/disfunction. Sort of liked she asked him to open up, just to shoot him down.

Fuck that.

FYI to "SUPER":………

Its called Cosplay. And if it exists in books/tv/film/comics/graphic novels, you better bet that there are really hot girls dressing in very accurate recreation costumes of it.
#5, no she is a bitch. she asked him to open up to her and then she put him down for it-not ok. It would be different is she just said she didn't understand it or wasn't into it, but she called him immature and said he had psychological issues, when what he revealed was pretty mundane. My bf regularly tells me I have comic book butt or superhero thighs.
The Crusty blockage should be called a Phelps after the asshat running the Westboro cult.
I heart Dan. SUPER needs to keep looking or get a major blowjob apology.
@Darth: but there's poor Michael Phelps too, and that would mean I'd have to stop calling guys who continually set new sexual speed records "Phelpses."
The crusty blockage? That's easy: SEMENT!
I propose we call the ensuing rush of dried come and urine a Rushbo, after Rush Limbaugh. In light of his response to the recent shooting in Arizona, crusty come and urine sounds like a downright flattering nickname for Limbaugh.
@ 11&9, maybe just a westboro?
How about a "Crusty O'Donnell"?
As for SUPER's girlfriend... are there any guys who came of age anytime since perhaps the 60s who DON'T fantasize about that? I mean, seriously, who is talking to these girls about men?
Then again, it could partially be the way he phrased it; I once laughed out loud at a boyfriend who told me he had a lactation fetish, not because of the fetish, but because of the fact that he prefaced it with, "...well, my mom had a virus when I was little, so she couldn't really touch me or feed me herself, so now..."
A build up of pressure resulting in an outburst that sprays everywhere and is rather upsetting? Sounds like the Palin-Loughner phenomenon to me...
Yes, Little Kitten! Cosplay is FTW. I approve of your links. ( ^_^) b

Oh, and CSNWG, Dan didn't mention this but I thought I should. You're supposed to go pee after sex. It stops nasty germs from travelling up your uretra and giving you bladder UTIs, and also stops penile crust disorder. I thought this was basic sex ed. GO PEE AFTER SEX.
*urethra. I'm not a hick, I swear.
Awesome column Dan (as always!) - entertaining, informative and to the point. I'll be sharing this one for sure!
p.s. YES - pee after sex!
@15 That is so much win. Crusty O'Donnell gets my vote! Kudos.
"This phenomenon should have a name!"

How about the Dripping Boehner?
#12 so far I am voting this best.
Seconding (thirding?) 18 & 20 - yes, go pee after sex. Greatly reduced wet spot, plus no UTIs, for the win! (That's also when I unlock the door, so the kids can come in and cuddle with us in the early morning...)
(Of course, then the problem is remembering to re-lock the door if the kids haven't come in yet and we want to make use of his morning wood...)
Where might I find SUPER? I'm doing Steampunk Batgirl for my next cosplay, and I'd love to have someone look me over beforehand...
I just assumed most guys, at one time or another, had a princess Laia gold bikini fantasy, as well fantasies about comic book super heroines like Wonder Woman. For a lot of males, those women were the first images of sexy ladies that they saw on a regular basis. It's cute and quirky that he still likes them. Why would anyone pathologize something so harmless?
the crusty blockage it should eithier be palin or else beck
Crusty blockage = McCain.

in the way--yes
Resulting in destruction--as in the piss going everywhere=Palin being one heartbeat away--yes
Obstructionist (post 2008 campaign-think DADT)--YEA

Crusty ol' dried semen hanging on past its sell-by date needs to be McCAIN!!!!!!!!
Contest over, @12's "sement" is perfect. I'm sure we'll see another couple dozen ~*~oh so clever~*~ plays on politician names, but come on, guys...
SUPER's (hopefully former) gf is a twat. Girls fantasize about superheroes, too. There's nothing wrong with it. Sheesh!

Also, great advice to CAR. My bet is that they aren't making it clear to the third party that they are in an open relationship/what the rules are. Probably they are pretending that it's all cheating and *titter*. Immature behaviour.
Sement, good God that is hilarious.
Crusty Blockage?
McConnel (the Mitch Variety)
Doesn't get much crustier than that and man is an expert at blockage.
Creepy, HSBB sounds like my brother (getting that creeping umpalumpa (btw how the hell is that spelt?) vibe) -- but I guess I might just be drawing too many parallels. And if that is not the case (because it is so eerily similar) I would point out that his conservative grandmother is not okay with it at all; his dad is also not okay with it; not that any of that is an excuse -- I just see it as my own business, nobody else's but my own. Besides, if I were to do that then it would intentionally hurt my family while making me feel better -- which is just wrong. I may be a coward (for sure), but I have deeper and worse issues that I cannot (but am thoroughly contending with -- you guessed it -- a therapist) hope to complicate by coming out. Honestly, this makes me feel like a jackass because it may not be my situation -- but it is so strikingly similar I'm wondering if it is. Or perhaps the universe is just trying to tell me something that I, frankly, don't want to hear.

Dan Savage, you are just plain awesome (please sir can I have another?)
It’s a Boehner

Looks like #22 is ahead of me, but nevertheless “Boehner” would make a fine name for this “phenomenon”.

Not only it sounds somewhat related, but I assume that by now most people have realized that our beloved newly-elected speaker of the house has a tendency to uncontrollably shed salty body fluids in different directions on occasion.
As a bi-curious girl, I agree with SUPER- superheroines as hot! He just needs to start going to more comic books conventions. He'll find plenty of girls willing to play the part.
Hmmmm...idiots like myself do frequent the internet. How shocking, just realized identifying features are changed to protect the guilty. Lord, I am such a leotard -- but then again it may be more accurate. WTF? At least nobody has my personal information....
"Sement" is highFUCKINGlarious.
I was trying to think of something along the lines of the BP oil spill the failure of "top kill" or static kill with cement. But "sement" is the hand down winner. Maybe Boehner sement? Halliburton sement?
Damn, my typing is bad tonight. On further reflection, Boehner sement fails because #1, it happens long after any boners, and #2, the man is a boner killer. How about flaccid boehner sement?

And I find it's not the crusty stuff that is the dangerous stuff. It's the stuff a little further up in your urethra that doesn't quite dry out, but does become the consistency of thick snot, so that it clings to the urethra here and there on it's way out. The worst is when the piss goes out in two streams in opposite directions. No amount of adjusting your aim can avoid that mess. Dick boogers? Spoog boogers?
On third thought, flaccid boehner is redundant. Whatever wins the contest for dried cum, I think boehner should be our new word for flaccid penis. "I saw Tom DeLay bend over to pick up the soap, and my boner turned into a boehner before I could even close my eyes shut."
Boehner - because, dammit, not enough people are making fun of that asshat's name and the way he insists on it being pronounced "Baaaay-ner." (Even in german it would be "Buuhner." And yeah, his leathery crust of over-tan skin and propensity for crying everywhere make it an apt choice.
I think Westboro should be reserved exclusively for something gay. My personal choice for a Westboro would be a closeted gay man who engages in shame-driven sex while publicly pretending to be a "pro-family Christian", as in "Pastor John? He's SUCH a Westboro, I saw him last night trolling the gay bar in dark shades."
SEMENT, awesome!
SEMENT it is!!!!!!!!!!!
I vote for sement.
there's already a name for it: "bad hygiene." Dude, always pee after sex. It's a rule.
That said, yeah, sement. Palin deserves something special.
OK, sement is good. The cockeyed spray? how about a spitzer?
a name like Boehner Sement or Crusty Boehner would be very clever. Unfortunately, the pronunciation of the name is actually something like "BAY-ner." Crusty Bayner just doesn't have the same appeal :(…
I wonder how SUPER's girlfriend would freak out at some really awfully perverse fantasies, like, I don't know, a foot fetish! Geez.
"Tell me your deepest sexual fantasies... trust me... EEEWWWWWWWWW! Freak! Sicko! Loser!"

Dan's absolutely right - SUPER's biggest problem is that he's still infatuated with this vicious, uptight bitch. Unless a) another of his fantasies is being betrayed and degraded on a regular basis or b) it turns out she freaked because she was afraid he'd stumbled upon her secret identity as Wonder Woman, he needs to move on. Yesterday.
Not everything has to be political. Sement is too perfect not to use. Way to go, IslandGuy!
SEMENT is definitely the winner.

Also am I the only one who thought CAR sounded threatened by this new woman and only wrote in to Dan to publicly affirm that she's DEFINITELY, NOT AT ALL threatened by her boyfriend's attraction to this woman and it's that OTHER woman who should be worried?
wait, it's actually a "rule" to pee after sex? it's not exactly a choice I make, regardless of when i pissed last my body always makes me pee after i come.

as for SUPER, if the girl's still willing to fuck him, he just needs to start hate-fucking her until she leaves. then he needs to go pee, just to be safe.
Is SUPER's (ex-)gf, like, SUPER-conservative? This is so common, and enacting it is such a low bar to clear, that I have to wonder why one would even bring up fantasies if this wasn't cool. Was she expecting something like: "I want you to suck my dick while I eat you out AT THE SAME TIME!!! How kinky is THAT!"? Yikes.

@26: I strongly approve of the steampunk Batgirl costume plan.
Well, not a rule. More like a guideline...

Sorry, couldn't stop myself.
Man, there are strong candidates this time around. Sement is way too obviously good, but Spitzer? Rush Limbaugh? Crusty O'Donnell? I applaud you all.

@56: "Was she expecting something like: 'I want you to suck my dick while I eat you out AT THE SAME TIME!!! How kinky is THAT!'? Yikes."

Thank you for my first morning chuckle.
I vote we name the blockage a pissquirt
I'll chime in with "sement" FTW.

@34 While it's nice that you don't want to "intentionally hurt your family," I think that we, as parents, need to accept our children just as they are, not as we wish them to be (doctor, lawyer, baker, straight guy, whatever), so if they are hurt when you come out to them, that's their problem, not yours. It's up to them to rearrange their thoughts and attitudes, not up to you to have to hide who you are. You have as much right not to be hurt as they do, and staying in the closet so as not to offend granny probably hurts you as much as coming out will "hurt" her. Just my opinion, of course, but I thought I'd give you my 2 cents as a parent.
A Congressional House/Senate Republican minority is the crusty blockage that refuses to be pissed away after sex. A GOP minority blocks everything up so that important things (like pissing, health-care reform, gun control laws) can't get done or get done so badly that there's a huge mess to clean up afterward.

But I'd be willing to settle for calling it the Mitch McConnell as he's certainly the crustiest 'member'.
I can't think of a better answer to "what's your fetish?" Dressing up and acting as a horny superheroine / supervillainess for my fellow sounds like *so* much fun. I'd much rather hear that than... a lot of other options.
My take is Puddin Skin
Sement is a perfect name for the cause, Spitzer is great for the result.
SUPER's gf sounds like the most ultra-vanilla person ever. Being interested in superheros is pretty vanilla as it is. It is basically dressing up and roleplaying. That is pretty basic fantasy material. Would she have complained if he said he wanted to role play as a cop? Not that different.

Honestly, if she wanted to hear about his fantasies and was weirded out by superheros then I cannot imagine what should would be okay with.

Actually, I want 10 minutes with her. I would break her brain telling her what I think about.
Sement. It's perfect.
And yes, men, women, pee after sex!
This is one of the best columns in a while, imho. Thanks Dan!
one more in favor of SEMENT.
@ SUPER: excellent advice. Drawing someone out and then stomping on them? Beyond uncool.

@ 12 Sement is brilliant. (But I agree, go pee).
Sement FTW

@ 34 I agree with Canuck @ 61 (the voice of parental reason). It's your life, you have every right to live it freely and openly, and not to have to constantly rack your brains trying to find non gender specific ways to talk about it. If dad and grandma aren't so accepting of you, well, that's too bad, but it's their "parental values" that should be questioned, not your sexual orientation, since the former can be changed, but not the latter.
Sement only works in writing, though: we need something that works when spoken out loud.
@ 72 Blackrose, sure it does! You just gotta say SEE-ment, not suh-MENT.
While it does sound like SUPER's girlfriend handled the situation badly and was generally a jerk, it's possible that her reaction was driven by jealousy and insecurity rather than extreme sexual conservatism.

Think about it: SUPER didn't say that he fantasized about having sex with someone roleplaying as a superheroine; he just said he fantasized about superheroines -- i.e., other women. And not just any other women, but the kind of women that SUPER's girlfriend could never hope to become herself (unless she's bitten by a radioactive spider or something, and we all know how often that happens).

When SUPER's girlfriend initiated the conversation about fantasies, she was probably hoping that SUPER would name an activity that she could participate in. Instead, he disclosed a preference for something that she isn't and cannot be. I'm guessing that, rightly or wrongly, SUPER's girlfriend thought SUPER was saying something along the lines of "comic-book superheroines are SOOOO much sexier and SOOOO much cooler than real women (and I'm only with you because they don't exist)." Hence her fit of pique and accusations of immaturity.
you people are really fucked in the head...

... which is why I like you

sement is the best word so far, maybe with the idea of the crust that goes flying is called a sement block
Crusty old blockage that eventually gets pissed off and goes away...The John McCain?
Crusty old blockage that will finally get pissed off and go away?

The John McCain of course.
+1 for sement
Good to know there's a "RULE" about peeing after coming...geez! How about the "rule" that I'm sleepy and soporific after coming and I'm rolling over and going to sleep? I'll deal with the sement and messy walls in the morning, thank you all so very much. Oddly enough, no sement has ever given me a UTI.
I like the Rush idea, but maybe used this way...

"My pee-hole's all stopped up with Limbaugher!"
"some kind of deep psychological problems and fundamental immaturity."

A dickish attack, be it the product of conservatism or an inability to handle jealousy/insecurity. Just because she might be sad or upset herself doesn't make her what she said excusable. Unless she's prepared to come around and apologize profusely, I'd cut this one loose.
@79: "Oddly enough, no sement has ever given me a UTI."

Well, going on the assumption that this means you've never had a UTI full-stop, that's probably why it isn't a rule for you. UTIs SUCK. Big time.

I'm also crazy sleepy after sex, but following a few incidents, I now pee after sex *religiously.* I'm not surprised that others have also made it a "rule" in their lives, if they've had the same experiences as I have.

But unlike you, I'm not really offended that your practises differ from mine.
+1 for sement
Another voter for sement. Maybe BP could use it deep kill their future wells that go blooey.
All of the people saying you need to pee after sex seem to be females. True for females.

The dribble of semen after masturbation can have the same effect.
Sement rocks! though presumably not when you've got it... I practice good preventive hygiene by giving my guy a good post-coital squeeze, root to tip. Also works as a DIY.
As 17 said, it's definitely Palin-Loughner blowback we're taking about.
Sement also can occur when you were wearing a condom.

Or after a blow job.

And doesn't the act of squirting semen out a man's urethra basically accomplish the same thing as a woman peeing?

(anyone remember the sement scene from "Me, Myself, and Irene"?)
I love that in Savage Love world, not being ridiculously kinky makes you a terrible person but you can hatefuck your girlfriend until she leaves you and that's cool. Basically, if you're female and you prefer vanilla sex, go kill yourself.
Dave M. - #54 - I'm with you. Her letter had "I don't want this woman in my relationship" all over it. She was building a case against her. And asking, "can I meet her" was weird, if they're open and share everything etc.
@79 It's as much of a rule as washing your hands after you pee. calm the fuck down.
The closest existing definition I found on for the post coital penile blockage phenomenon is a "crusty pickle."
Completely agree with the advice to SUPER. As I read the letter, all I thought was what an ass! I have way too many geek pals (and too many sci fi crushes myself) to accept that sort of nonsense.
Sement. It makes me think of Granny's sement pond, but that makes me like it even more.
Who said not being kinky is a terrible thing? But if you ask for fantasies you have to expect to hear some sort of fantasy, and I imagine it will normally be something a little kinky. More than just sex at least. What did she expect? That his fantasy would be a romantic dinner followed by straightforward sex?
I'm squarly in the sement camp
@ 71 and 61,

Wish the story was better told...those are two out of the three people who are paying for college (dad finally relented into helping). And, if it was a perfect world -- I would have nothing to hide. As well, I have either hidden myself that I believe what is on the outside is the same as what I have inside (there is no way that anyone could suspect). So, I have an issue with social identity -- I have no friggin' clue what is me and what is not me. I have more problems than that, but won't get into them here. Also, I believe (personally) that I have forfeited what I wanted a long time ago because I am the one lying to them. Honestly, I think it is only my business (granny and dad are not participants) so let them live blissfully.
"Um... gee. If every girl you two have ever "dated" has wound up hurt, CAR, then a reasonable person might conclude that YOU'RE DOING THIS OPEN-RELATIONSHIP SHIT ALL WRONG."

Yep, that flashed thru my mind when reading it as well. Several times is a pattern, and it's not the third...
@95 maybe a shoulder rub in the bathtub with some pinot and strawberries...kinky
"Dan, these women are drawn to appeal to what the inner pubescent boy in every hetero guy wants! "

Hm. I think boys are presently socially and culturally trained to consider this to be what they want. Otherwise we'd fucking find superheroine drawings on cave walls.
"The blockage that is created by dried semen on the tip of your dick after sex."

I could have happily lived the rest of my life not knowing about this o.O. However, I'm throwing my vote in with "phelps"...

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