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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
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Dan gives good advice, but also look into a physical therapist that specializes in pelvic floor issues. Kegals help, but there are a ton of other exercises that can be done to help tighten your pelvic floor muscles--and not getting the help you need with that could result in problems that go beyond your sex life.
A helpful book in this area is Heal Pelvic Pain by Amy Stein. But really, find a physical therapist that specializes in pelvic floor muscles.
Otherwise, try some research online and get a real Kegel routine going for yourself. It WILL make a difference, now- and when you're older. Don't just tighten up now and then when you think about it, because that's not going to do it!
Good luck!
Dan gives good advice, but also look into a physical therapist that specializes in pelvic floor issues. Kegals help, but there are a ton of other exercises that can be done to help tighten your pelvic floor muscles--and not getting the help you need with that could result in problems that go beyond your sex life.
A helpful book in this area is Heal Pelvic Pain by Amy Stein. But really, find a physical therapist that specializes in pelvic floor muscles.
I case surgery isn't an option (and it sounds like a reasonable choice if she can do it), I wanted to add to the alternate suggestions... I have had good luck adding another toy to the mix when size was a challenge. A buttplug, vibrator or dildo in the ass can make pussy sex a bit tighter, or a vibrator along with a cock in the pussy adds size and sensation. The vibrator I used was one of those slender massage-type ones, no extra bumps or realistic shape (as that would make it more difficult to get in there, plus some guys are a bit leery of having another "dick" in with them).
"I said I feel differently toward women I've ass-fucked. I do. I feel more intimately connected to them."
You feel intimately connected to them as conquests who have surrendered to you. You were clear about the quality of that relationship. I don't think many people misunderstood.
You basically told us that you ask for anal just to see if you can get the woman to do it. And, if she agrees, your satisfaction is derived from having gotten her to agree to it, not from the anal itself. Again, you were clear that the anus isn't appealing on its own.
It's just a secret power game you're playing and getting off on. You're basically just using the woman's sphincter to masturbate your ego.
If you were at all honest, you would admit that you wouldn't want a woman to play that game with you, either. Don't worry, I'm not holding my breath.
You can try to flounce with all your might but you have communicated this to us. And it's shitty. It's a shitty attitude to have. It's a shitty way to be.
Lack of fit after childbirth, tearing or no, is really, really common. Kegels for tightening and the We Vibe are both quite useful. I'd recommend experimenting with positions that squeeze your knees together, too--everything narrows up. Dan, please give this kind of question a little more research and focus next time.
Whenever someone like Prof tries to "attack all feminazis" become something male is being reviled, I am reminded of how similar people like him are to the very feminazis they revile: the same tactics, the same lack of concern for facts or for the opinions of others, the same holier-than-thou attack that basically says "I know everything and you don't"... My impression is that Prof and H78 are simply feminazis wannabees still waiting for their very own sex-change operation.
Meanwhile, in the real world, real people interact in ways that go beyond their comprehension...
God, we really need a forum so we can bitch about useless unrelated junk elsewhere.
I'm wondering if those of you who've had shredded kitties would recomment elective C-sections instead? or was natural vaginal birth worth the shredding issues?
EricaP, speaking as a male, you're correct; it often happens that absence-of-enthusiasm is not seen as "no". But consider that this is not simply the result (as some other commenters apparently implied) of a tendency for assholery among men. It is also a byproduct of the fact that women aren't very vocal about their likes and dislikes (again for all kinds of social reasons).
It sometimes occurred to me to keep asking "are you liking this?" or trying to interpret silences or apparent lack of enthusiasm; in many such occasions, this killed the mood (the women in question oddly felt I wasn't really into her, or into sex, if I kept asking questions), and it also made it less enjoyable to me (because I had to keep worrying about whether or not that absence-of-enthusiasm 'meant something' or not -- sometimes they didn't mean anything.)
Sometimes women expected me to 'simply guess' whatever it is they would like (apparently by crossing out items in a mental list while paying attention to their reactions) rather than telling me what they like and don't like. One woman even vocally expressed herself angrily afterwards because I "was supposed to guess."
I wished everybody could get relaxed before sex and just talk about likes and dislikes. I hope women will feel more empowered the more they feel they can do that -- before, and during. I readily acknowledge that many men are also not interested in talking, and seem to be oblivious to their lack of success with their partners... I am just pointing out that even when I try to do my part, it sometimes didn't work. I blame society's funny ideas about sex, "guessing" (= "telepathy"), and male and female stereotypes for that.
While I acknowledge there are men who think like that, let me point out that (as I said in my last comment) doing the exact opposite can sometimes have the same effect. There are men who are out there to have fun and have their partners have fun, and it doesn't always work out well for them either because of stereotypes about 'what men want' and 'what women want' that the WOMEN themselves also believe in.
Even men who want to listen don't get the chance of listening all that often, because women are still learning how to talk. Awkwardness and results that are less than wonderful can happen despite the best of intentions on both sides.
As I said above, I think people need to learn how to talk about sex without feeling that 'the magic is being destroyed' -- and this difficulty affects women as often as it affects men, if not more so. The expectation that 'men will guess it even if I say nothing' is as frequent -- and as damaging -- as the masculine bad habits you mentioned.
All in all, this stresses the fact that communication is the key to success, in sex as in everything else.
There are so many issues at play here.
I think that women are socialized to not be demanding, and they're also socialized to expect that men will somehow magically 'know' what to do to/for them. They're often uncomfortable talking explicitly about sex, and may not even be able to articulate what it is they *do* want (especially when they're younger).
A while back there was a discussion about Taylor Momson and her vibrator advice, which brought up the point that a lot of women don't begin masturbating at as young an age or with as much frequency as boys do, so they are less likely to know what they like and what it takes to get them off (EricaP, I assume that you know what it takes, but I'm speaking generally, and about younger women here).
I can only speak from my own experience, but I need a lot of intense, direct, focused clitoral stimulation (almost always only available in a vibrator) to come, so my teen attempts at masturbation never led to orgasm, and I had not the slightest idea what it would take to get me off. One of my early partners would frequently--conscientiously--ask what I wanted, and since I had no clue, but didn't want to seem ungrateful or difficult, I just said that everything was fine. I was young; I didn't want to hurt his feelings; I was embarrassed. I couldn't have told him what worked if I'd wanted to.
"2. The bashers of #10 demonstrating his point. In case you missed it #10 referenced the penultimate (straight) male fantasy of penetrating a woman. He then noted his pleasure in achieving anal penetration was, in part, attributable to the pursuit of tail and "winning' the conquest. These emotional objections are all a part of the feminization of our culture. Anything remotely and uniquely male is castigated, chastised and labeled as deviant, sexist, pervert, rapist."
We do live in an era where this is the case. I'm not saying that there isn't a legit historical reason for it- feminism happened (thankfully)pendulums swing, it's how it works. But I think a lot of folks are having unsatisfying sex because neither men nor women are "allowed" to be men or women. Which is why sex is in some ways the last vestige we have to be men and women without politics. The bedroom is no place for politics- it's where we discover and share our most essential selves.
"2. The bashers of #10 demonstrating his point. In case you missed it #10 referenced the penultimate (straight) male fantasy of penetrating a woman. He then noted his pleasure in achieving anal penetration was, in part, attributable to the pursuit of tail and "winning' the conquest. These emotional objections are all a part of the feminization of our culture. Anything remotely and uniquely male is castigated, chastised and labeled as deviant, sexist, pervert, rapist."
We do live in an era where this is the case. I'm not saying that there isn't a legit historical reason for it- feminism happened (thankfully)pendulums swing, it's how it works. But I think a lot of folks are having unsatisfying sex because neither men nor women are "allowed" to be men or women. Which is why sex is in some ways the last vestige we have to be men and women without politics. The bedroom is no place for politics- it's where we discover and share our most essential selves.
I understand the need to communicate of course, but I also find the "Let's sit down and discuss what I like with an itemized list before we even approach the bedroom" a bit sterile and off-putting. How about some nice moans when he is doing it right, or some "oh yes, more! NICE" works for me. If he is hurting...a pull away, or even an OUCH!!! Hahaha! "Easy big boy!" is one of my favorites...help the old ego as well.
Then the clinical converstions can begin....of course, this only works for FWB, rather then a one night fling.
Oh, sorry, was that off topic? Shessh...police! Anyhow...natural childbirth, for the reasons Green Betty listed above! I was back on the treadmill a week after my first. I didn't have shredding, and chances are, you won't....its a complication rather then a surity; it sounds like the poor woman above rushed through delivery and didn't take time to stretch out slowly. But there can be complications from C-sections as well. I might be a little looser, but I do my Kegels, and hell, my dude is such a big boy...it was a little painful sometimes before #1 anyway! I actually come much easier after babies.
www.spreadingsantorum.com
Rock on, Dan.
That is all.
theyre the ones who are still in the dark ages by assuming all men are
However the guy who said the looks at a woman differently after he's been in her ass, that it's a different sort of feeling, a conquering and a surrender. Big Damn Deal. Seriously.
It is a conquering and it does impact how people view each other, and not all sex is rainbows and hearts. I play gender games and power exchange and I even own up to being mildly sexist in the bedroom.
I like men that have presence, and that "wear the pants". It turns me on - I like to surrender to them and most guys I've dated enjoy a girl that can hold her own in any given situation, but doesn't need to be in charge all the time.
And as a woman with a gorgeous strap-on and love of GGG, when a bossy, effiecient, sexy man nervously allows me to fuck his ass, it is a power rush. It is a conquest and it is so profusely intimate that it borders on sacred. Seeing a man that i've been inside like that...yeah it's a totally different eyeful.
You people that get so fucking offended, need to chill the fuck out. Seriously, everyone is so "sex positive", unless other people are having sex that they themselves wouldn't.
And on another note: as a rape survivor. It is quite obnoxious to see people picking up the victim title and acting like they had no knowledge of anything bad happening to them being possible. Well, Fuck. Huh? Let's have some common sense about things. A true physical attack is different from I let a stranger tie me up and they didn't stop.
I can acknowledge that I was raped cause I made bad choices that put me in a position to be sexually exploited. I learned from it and I moved on, and I gained the ability to understand that *I* had to live with my choices, so I better be fucking sure about them.
"How dare you blame a victim?" How dare you live in a manner which makes you a victim in any way? How dare you support a society where women don't have to account for their choices, and call yourself a feminist? How dare you chastise a man for having a visceral authentic opinion and voicing it - when you are angry over a woman's voice being unheard. It's pretty nauseating. I actually had to turn in my dance card to the NOW, because I don't think men should second-class citizens, and I think that gender and sex are vastly less important than quality of character.
Now I know I'm gonna get blasted as a troll, and that's fine but I would love to buy some of you a big hot glass of suck it up.
Nothing, as long as your man is willing to do stuff to "please his woman." Otherwise it's just rewarding bad behaviour.
@127: I'm a straight dude, and I assume that he meant he looks down on them. Why would you assume that only a woman would see it that way?
liveandlearn - While I agree that feminism has resulted in some overly protectionist views of sex and men, I would rather that than what we had before. At least women of my generation know that good sex is achievable, desirable, and that they deserve to be listened to and not treated like possessions. Unless they want to be. They have the comparative luxury to *have* fantasies and express consent for being treated as filthily as they desire.
And have you ever considered that the reason you (and me) have those submissive fantasies is *because* we grew up knowing that wasn't "right" or the "norm"? Do you think women in cultures where they are subject to violence or treated as property by men have the same fantasies?
Men who have mature, modern, maybe even "feminist" views on sex are really the only ones any good at exploring the power dynamics behind sex. Men who don't either screw it up completely a la "I'm the dom - that means you pleasure me" or are so uncomfortable with "degrading" women that they don't realize that refusing to consider a woman's desires and requests is really what *is* degrading.
I've found that a lot of men just don't listen in the bedroom! If you suggest things, they just keep plowing ahead, confident of their method. But different women prefer it in different ways, so you can't use the same method on every woman!!! Boys, don't take it as insult when we give you suggestions, we're letting you know what makes us come!!!
That being said, there are many men who are quite adept in bed, and they should be thanked for their attentiveness. Oh but they probably are... with repeat sex
I too, if forced to make a choice, would prefer to have more information/freedom than less. But I'd rather reach a point where the information's processed and we can just get back to having sex free of dogma.
Hey, just because I referred to the 'Feminist Princesses of Seattle' doesn't make me a misogynist.
The fact that I cover the drunk woman's face with a Hustler and pound away at her while chewing on a Big Mac - that's another story. Her orgasm? Who cares? Ya'll fake most of them anyway unless you get tickets to Bonnaroo or we buy you a tote with a bird on it.
Seattle's #1 Export: Smug, Whiny Misandry.
A classic rape coping mechanism is to attempt to rearrange life so that you don't ever become a victim again. To place the blame on yourself, because if it was something you caused, you can cause it to never happen again. Well, you can't. You can reduce your risk, but someone could still victimize you, and it's still not your fault.
Shall I sum up?
EricaP: I have bad experiences with men! I partially blame society!
HunterProf: Society is not at fault, it's your fault! Also I see women as conquests! Feminism sucks! *swings dick around*
Everyone else: That's awful! STFU!
About right? LETS MOVE ON THEN.
-Ya I assumed we all knew the golden rule.
And I never said only women would assume a negative connotation. Can anyone ever just give a man the benefit of the doubt until he proves otherwise? Must we always preface "pleasure your man" with "If he's a nice guy".
I love Gloria Steinem as much as the next guy but give us some frickin credit already. We're tired of pretending to care about curtain colours, we just wanna be accepted as men again.
"You're just big fat ol' femi-nazi man-hating dykes! Moan, moan, bitch whine, why won't anybody love me?"
Darling, I love me some mens. I just hate assholes. Perhaps you should try harder to be a man, and not just a dick.
Try anal!
Plus, it generates more santorum. ;)
Three columnists who love Savage Love and also love answering questions about sex.
Just heard about the santorum thing again on Colbert's show. I just want to say I love you, man. Two thousand fucking three you did that? And it's STILL giving him fits?
That's just beautiful.
It's 'Hear, Hear' - not 'here here'.
My penis helps me understand out 'patriarchal' tongue a little better.
I'll go back to reading my Hustler now. Smut writers have better grammar than the Stranger Hipster casualties commenting here about ruined vaginas and whatnot.
I don't care about whether or not you sleep with men. I get mine on regularly.
Still though, you ever wonder why people vacation in places that AREN'T run by Feminist Elementary School Teachers? Nobody cares about veganism and organic panties except the special breed of daddy-haters that flock to the NW after reading Tom Robbins.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santorum_(s…)
Please help if you speak any major foreign language! Any meaningful page will influence google's search results for people speaking those languages, as google trusts wikipedia, and indirectly english too. Even a shortened version will help if you don't feel like translating the whole page.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santorum_(s…)
Please help if you speak any major foreign language! Any meaningful page will influence google's search results for people speaking those languages, as google trusts wikipedia, and indirectly english too. Even a shortened version will help if you don't feel like translating the whole page.
Please help if you speak any major foreign language! Any meaningful page will influence google's search results for people speaking those languages, as google trusts wikipedia, and indirectly english too. Even a shortened version will help if you don't feel like translating the whole page.
The gender war is never over, it's the curse of our species. The sexes don't LIKE each other they NEED each other out of biological necessity. People notice this more now because women are liberated and life spans have increased.
Marraige is dead. Men are now neuteres housepets. Who cares anyway? It wasn't that great of a deal to begin with. Stay Crafty. Men lie with words, and women lie with their affections. The French have known this forever.
***Saucy Li'l Minx***
Ladies, stop calling it being sex-positive when you're being slutty. No, random sex with strangers is NOT OKAY. I'm not religious, and I don't think you should wait until you're married or any of that hogwash. But letting a man you don't even KNOW stick his dick in you is dirty and trashy, not 'open-minded'.
I know men have been trying to convince you for years that you shouldn't be held back by some 'double standard', that you should feel free to have sex with anyone you find even mildly entertaining as soon as you meet them. But like so many other things men tell women to get them into bed, it's a lie.
Promiscuity spreads disease, it spreads drama, and it increases the likelihood of getting knocked up by some loser. Have a little respect for yourselves and your bodies. Would you put on a strangers shoe, use their used tissue, or hug them when they're dripping with sweat? Please don't act like a dirty skank and then excuse it with talk of being sex-positive.
Closer to HPV-positive, truth be told...
There is a big difference between blaming the victim of any kind of assault and understanding that there are things you can do to avoid assault or make it less likely.
That is not to say it was anyone's fault. I teach martial arts. There are ways to minimize your perceived vulnerability. However, if your persona in sleeping with strangers is as a sub, you may not want to use them because they involve seeming in control. I applaud the decision to meet men in a context that keeps them accountable. Erica should also realize that many men on the internet can't get sex with a real woman any other way because they are clueless about any number of things. Such as that not all women do anal, the way it seems in porn. Many men actually believe that what they see in porn is real and they can act it out with whomever they are with.
This accounts for some at least being "shitty" in bed. I have been with somewhere between 40-50 men, several long-term, and only 10% were great in bed. Including that 10%, about one-third to 40% were good to good enough, half were utterly useless and a few (if you are following percentages, that would be around 10%) were so-so, involving an unusual amount of work on my part to make anything worthwhile happen. Sad but true.
To those of you wondering why I don't just insist on coming first -- it's not really about my orgasms. I'm one of those tiresome women who don't come easily in new situations. Luckily, there are many other ways of pleasing me. I love flirting over drinks with new guys, making out in the parking lot or under a bridge, heading to their place hand-in-hand, going down on them, choking and drooling from having cock in my throat and a firm hand on my hair. I love massages, having my back scratched, light caresses, heavy floggings and any other form of physical contact that acknowledges my living soul. But I hate when the intercourse comes to a point where he's trying to get off, and I'm trying to get him off, and I'm just making these increasingly faked noises to try to get him to the edge. And we change position, but nothing works, he's no closer to orgasm, and I'm fed up. Eventually, he comes or he doesn't, and I leave.
I could refuse my husband what he asks of me, but the first half of these evenings is such fun. So I will be continuing to explore with new guys, seeing if there's a way for me to redirect the action before I get frustrated. Maybe if I abandon responsibility for his orgasm, I'll have a better time. If I think of the whole evening as an extended make-out session, with rubbing, and caressing, and licking and sucking... (NOT as an endurance event that failed unless it ended in explosion)... then I think maybe the guys and I will be better able to remember that we are people at play and not industrial machines at work.
And finally, to those calling for a return to the week's letters: I had a lot more that I could share about shredded kitties, and I bet other mothers do too. But -- @10 "Maybe we can imagine you with a prolapsed vag." Right there he ended any chance we had to open up the discussion to new voices. Actions have consequences.
To address where you might find a better forum for ongoing discussion of your personal issue you might consider alt.com. They have a variety of groups that have ongoing discussions about pretty much anything to do with BDSM. I wouldn't bother trying to hook up with anyone through the site directly though. You might find a munch in your area where you can get to know people in a safe environment.
SL is not a chat room and is not set up for people to establish personal connections. I certainly have my own issues that I would go into more detail with you privately but as far as I know there isn't a way to do that without broadcasting my email address to the world.
Keep searching until you find a doc competent to help you, get the repair done while you're still young, and get back to having a great sex life. Oh, and Kegels are not going to solve the problem, they'll just keep it from getting worse.
I think the journey you've been on this last year represents an admirable willingness to change and I appreciate your sharing your questions and difficulties.
As far as the bad sex you've had, I have to agree with femmeavecchien that many men are lousy lovers. I've slept with a lot and only a handful were any good. And sometimes there's not a lot that can be done to improve things, especially in a short-term relationship of NSA encounters. People who are motivated (either out of a genuine affection for their partners or just out of a sense of wanting to achieve proficiency) can learn what pleases their partners, but a one-time hookup rarely provides enough motivation.
EricaP, please let me discourage you. This is NOT a 'free and open forum'. It is the comments section for the Savage Love column, and it is intended for people who want to comment on THE ARTICLE, not for you to air your anxieties about not being enough for your husband. That's too bad and all, but this ain't the Dr. Phil show. Please SHUT UP already, so we can comment on Dan's writing, not yours.
Please, please stop hijacking this thread with your personal issues. No one gives a fuck but Hunter, and he's just messing with you anyway. If your story were at all interesting, it would have its own column.
Perhaps I should spend the next hundred posts boring you with the details of my last dental check-up, or my latest recipe for brioche? Um, no, THIS ISN'T THE PLACE FOR THAT. GO AWAY ALREADY.
THIS IS NOT YOUR PERSONAL THERAPY SESSION. Please go find somewhere more appropriate to dish about all the lousy sex you're having. I'm sure you've written to Dan about your problems, but there's a reason he hasn't published your letters: YOU'RE BORING. As endlessly fascinating as you find yourself, WE DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU. We come to this corner of the internet to discuss this advice column, not listen to you whine about how hard it is to find decent NSA sex. Like Hunter says, it's probably you. If you're this egotistical on the internet, that you will hijack these comments to be your personal blog, then you are probably just as self-absorbed in bed.
If you want to share your personal life with the internet, create YOUR OWN PAGE for it. This one already has a purpose, one which you are thwarting with your 'me-me-me' comments.
You and your husband vowed to be monogamous, once upon a time. And while you are content with that (as most women are), your husband still wants to bang other women (as most of them do). So you let him emotionally blackmail you into an 'open relationship'. But what you have isn't an open relationship. You have an asshole husband who wants to have his cake and eat it, too. Real poly guys don't promise monogamy and then change their mind later and threaten to leave you if you don't let them bang other women.
I'm sorry your life is a mess and you married a douchebag, and I hope you wise up and leave your husband and find a man who actually wants the same thing as you. But in the meantime, could you post about your personal life somewhere elsewhere. This page actually had an INTERESTING topic before you hijacked it.
Your sad, sad story is a dime a dozen. I come here to read comments about Dan's column, not your pathetic angst.
But you've piqued my interest. Which interesting topic did you look forward to discussing? The cross-dresser imagining that his small dick used to be a clit? The mom with the shredded kitty? The ginger cocktail? Or the santorum meme?
Tell you what, you post your opinion about one or more of those topics, and I'll stay on topic for the rest of the week. But sign it with your SoTired alias, so I know it's you.
In my experience teaching martial arts to women, e.g., I find some women are just not psychologically ready for self-defense. It's hard to handle this. I try to keep them practicing, but they usually leave. It's too challenging and they could probably use some therapy to deal with it. While I am not a therapist, I wish them and you well on your path.
There are so many, many of you who want to discuss something else, not my life -- go ahead. Who's stopping you? Slog threads are perfectly capable of maintaining two conversations at the same time.
Yes, that's an excellent observation. Learned helplessness is a serious problem for people who have experienced long-term abuse.
Oh no, EricaP, that's not how it goes. Everyone has a God-given right not to be exposed to blog comments that do not directly and personally interest them. After all, everyone knows that failure to read every single comment on a blog post leads to a potentially fatal brain imbalance. Why, having loaded the page, poor @182 had to read every single word on it. How thoughtless of you to assume that he could simply skip over the stuff he didn't want to read?
And, of course, having been required by the simple facts of his brain chemistry to read your posts, he then had to restore his sanity's delicate balance by posting at least three times about how uninteresting your posts were and how little he cared about them.
Please, EricaP - think of the children.
Eh, Erica's love life is way more interesting then the boring letters this week, as much as I love Dan. And since I am at work, all those fetish sites, the filter catches and blocks, and Savage Love comes right through (shhhh! don't tell!).
Perhaps if the next round of letters are a bit more scandelous, it will be easier to stay on topic for a dirty little slut like moi!! ;). Bring on the poo-eaters! A GGG drink, really? How the hell does one discuss anyway? zzzzzzzzzzzzz
There are always plenty of off-topic nonsense posts, but yours seem particularly self-serving, which is why I lashed out and was rude to you, and I apologize for that. Despite your making it public, I shouldn't be commenting on your private life. It's really none of my business. (BTW, this isn't a Slog thread, this is the Savage Love column. You might have an easier time staying on-topic if you knew what the topic was supposed to be.)
BB, you're right, I don't *have* to read every single post. I don't *have* to read any of them. But ignoring Erica's personal drama isn't as easy as skipping her posts, I have to read the others to know whether they're on-topic or not. And I didn't feel like wading through a lengthy conversation about some married slut's sex life to find the comments that are actually about Dan Savage's advice column.
You see, Dan's writing is why we come read this page, not Erica's. This isn't her personal blog. She's hijacking this thread because it has an intelligent, experienced audience, one that she could never drum up on her own merits. Or maybe she IS that interesting- what the hell do I know? But if she is, she should have no trouble starting her own blog, or a thread on alt.com as others have suggested, and building an audience that cares about what she has to say. The rest of us are here to talk about Dan's writing, not Erica's sex life.
Erica, let me make you a different deal. This thread's already sunk, there's no possibility of finding the wheat in the chaff of these comments. But I will promise to show up early next week and post my fascinating, insightful comments ABOUT THE COLUMN, and you can post yours, and we can leave your personal life elsewhere. You could even post a link to your new blog or thread, and if you like I will give you my thoughts there (since you seem so intent on me knowing about your sex life). And then anyone who actually finds you interesting enough to read about can do it somewhere that's about YOU, and those who are interested in SAVAGE LOVE can talk about that here.
Sound fair?
@194 why does everyone always think of the poo-eaters? Are they so damn fascinating? Ick.
@195 as opposed to you? :-)
@196 Aw, you can't even name which interesting topic it was that you were dying to read comments about? Criminy. But, sure, okay, if you post your on-topic comments within 48 hours of Dan posting the next SL column, I'll stick to your deal. Remember to use the same alias, so I can recognize you. But if you're AWOL and people are asking me questions about my marriage... I'm only human.
Frankly, I read his column for pervy fun, rather then health issues or political activism, which he seems hell bent on pushing lately. Sure, I am a huge supporter of gay rights, and want everyone to engage in safe sex practices. BUT....not the reason I come here. "Poo-eaters" however, is just how many long time readers refer to the TRULY freaky (and in my mind, TRULY fascinating and bizarre) reading!
BRING ON THE FREAKS!!! C'mon man, I want stories either I can relate to, or ones that will shock the shit/amuse/horrify outta me....poo-eating definitely qualifies for the latter catagory. Why I started reading Dan as opposed to Dear Prudence anyway. I will admit to having no life, at least here at work, and want a little amusement, heheh.
From your earlier post it sounds like you need an "intermission" of fingers or tongue after 10 or 15 minutes of intercourse or it doesn't work for you: do you make this clear to guys? Do you tell them you need to stop and they need to eat you for a while and then they can continue? Either there are a lot of guys who are bad in bed or you're just not being clear enough about what you need.
I'm not sure there will be a big difference if you torture yourself by making yourself wait longer for sex while you build up a friendship: if he's bad in bed or doesn't listen, that probably won't change much.
I just get tired of sorting through the off-topic comments- of which there are plenty that are not yours, yours were just a convenient target for my ire, as there are so many of them.
48 hours is very generous, thank you. I will certainly check in before then. And like I said, please post a link to your own blog or thread, and I will be happy to comment on you in an appropriate forum. I'm sure there are others here who would, as well.
@200 Trust me when I say that I have no interest in your comments on my life. I asked you to post because I don't believe you have anything to say about sex, at all. I am waiting eager for you to prove me wrong.
video, or it didn't happen.
And in other news... "SANTORUMSLIDE!"
I definitely think that not taking responsibility for someone else's orgasm is a good idea. As you probably know, some guys just can't come from intercourse sometimes, regardless of anything you do. I like the "extended make out session" idea :)
I would hope you could do both: talk and laugh with someone as well as tell them what pleases you. I mean, don't you always have to tell a partner what pleases you or what you want them to do?
Unlike several others here, I have nothing against you sharing your experiences here, asking for help and/or advice, or simply exchanging information: I am perfectly capable of skipping the posts I don't want to read and paying attention only to the ones I do.
http://mamasweat.blogspot.com/2010/05/pe…
Possible solution for Unforgiving and I hope I'm not stating the obvious. I sort of had the same problem as Unforgiving. My partner would get me off first then while I was starting to come, he would suddenly enter me. My vag was tighter during climax and this made him come faster. It was pretty exciting for me, too. If Unforgiving's partner doesn't need to take too long, then maybe this would work? (My guy was a literal 3 pump chump.)
1) Abdicating responsibility for his orgasm.
2) Trying to know each other as people, not as sex dolls (so, yes, building some friendship first so that we have something to laugh/talk about)
3) Remembering to think in my head "What do I want now?" so I can redirect effectively. Communication with myself is more the problem.
4) Trying to cultivate an atmosphere of mutual exploration and fun. I'm not a machine that will come if you push here twenty times in a row.
Look at this, from a recent Salon interview with Terri Conley http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/0…
Sociologist Elizabeth Armstrong has shown that women do not feel entitled to sexual pleasure in casual heterosexual encounters. They seem to be more focused on providing the male partner with pleasure.
I resemble that remark.
Here's a question. Do men ever take that upon themselves? I've rarely had a guy tell me what I should do to please him. Besides my husband, I think I've never heard the words "I wish you would..." (or their equivalents) come out of a guy's mouth.
Men always say women should give better verbal instructions, but are the men giving such great instructions themselves? In my experience, it's all done through body language, unless we're talking BDSM where things are explicitly negotiated. Do the rest of you have experience with men asking, out loud, for specific actions?