MONDAY, MAY 9 Hello! The week kicks off with a short, shocking saga of charity, confusion, and death in Arkansas. Details come from northwest Arkansas's KHBS News, which situates the saga in a Fayetteville house that had been divided up into a number of apartments, where a downstairs tenant recently invited a friendly homeless man to sleep on his couch. After a night of drinking together, the tenant left his guest—identified as John Standridge—to sleep on the sofa, after which things reportedly went haywire. As involved parties pieced together with police, it's likely Mr. Standridge awoke during the night needing to use the restroom, and, in his confusion and perhaps intoxication, he mistakenly entered the apartment of the woman upstairs. Whatever the case, the upstairs neighbor lady found Mr. Standridge sitting on her toilet, which caused her to scream, which caused Mr. Standridge to run from the room with his pants around his ankles, which caused him to trip, fall down the stairs, and die. "The coroner found the cause of death to be consistent with a fall down the stairs," reports KHBS. "The body was sent to the Arkansas Crime Lab for more testing."

TUESDAY, MAY 10 The week continues with Donald Trump, the pathological gasbag whose political career today leaped off the toilet, fell down the stairs, and died. Confirmation comes from Public Policy Polling, which provides this festival of sentences: "Donald Trump has had one of the quickest rises and falls in the history of Presidential politics. Last month we found him leading the Republican field with 26%. In the space of just four weeks he's dropped all the way down to 8%, putting him in a tie for fifth place with Ron Paul. As Trump got more and more exposure over the last month Republicans didn't just decide they weren't interested in having him as their nominee—they also decided they flat don't like him. Only 34% of GOP voters now have a favorable opinion of Trump to 53% who view him in a negative light." Having barely weathered his weeklong clobbering at the hands of President Obama (who shut Trump's yap by releasing his goddamn birth certificate, extensively mocked Trump's ridiculous life from the stage of the White House Correspondents' Dinner, and interrupted the finale of Trump's Celebrity Apprentice with the announcement of a dead Osama bin Laden), Trump will respond to his lousy new polling numbers by abandoning his quest for the presidency, officially announcing his failure next Monday. Let us never speak of him again.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 11 Today brings a real-life instance of seeing something and saying something from Hot Tipper Ellie: "Today I was sitting in the Third Place Commons in Lake Forest Park, trying to write my master's thesis, when I noticed the guy at the table behind me talking in this low, deliberate voice. He kept saying things like 'This country deserved 9/11' and 'You are disgracing the sons of Jesus and betraying his daughters, and you will pay.' Sneaking a peek over my shoulder, I caught a glance of his computer screen. On the left side, he had a Skype window open that showed several people who appeared to be wearing Middle Eastern–style robes, milling around in a room. On the right, he was playing Pac-Man. Not sure what to make of it, but it seemed like something you should know about."

THURSDAY, MAY 12 As regular readers are aware, Last Days spends a good amount of time writing about catastrophic death, which we labor to report in a way that will not drive readers to suicide. And so it is with great pleasure that today we present some good news that requires no suicide-foiling spin from Munich, Germany, where today a regional court got to live the dream of punishing a Nazi. As CNN reports, 91-year-old John Demjanjuk is the Ukrainian-born man (and onetime Ohio auto worker) who was today found guilty of murdering tens of thousands of Jews at a Nazi concentration camp during World War II. "The court found Demjanjuk guilty of assisting in mass murder as a guard at the Sobibor death camp in Poland," reports CNN, noting that at least 167,000 people were killed at Sobibor in 1942 and 1943, and Demjanjuk was charged as an accessory to about 27,900 of those deaths. For his crimes against humanity, Demjanjuk has been sentenced to five years in prison, which seems like nothing, but he's 91, so cheer up.

•• From slow-but-steady justice we move to instant karma, as experienced by the man who snatched a donation jar for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society off the counter of a downtown Seattle business and was immediately hit by a bus. "There were quarters everywhere," said police spokesman Mark Jamieson to Seattlepi.com, which reports the suspect was rushed to Harborview Medical Center with life-threatening injuries. "The donation container, which investigators described as a jar, was returned to the business," reports Seattlepi.com.

FRIDAY, MAY 13 Nothing happened today, unless you count the two suicide bombers who killed at least 80 people—nearly all of them new recruits—at a military training facility in northwest Pakistan. As CNN reports, the Pakistani Taliban has claimed responsibility for the attacks, saying the deadly bombings were retaliation for the killing of Osama bin Laden, which the Taliban blames on the Pakistani military for having alerted the United States to Bin Laden's location. "Pakistani and US forces should be ready for more attacks," said Ihsan Ullah Ihsan, a spokesman for the Pakistani Taliban. "Osama was our great leader, and the killers of Osama will have to pay its price." Shut up, you dick.

SATURDAY, MAY 14 The week continues with the high-drama arrest of Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the 62-year-old managing director of the International Monetary Fund and a leading contender for the French presidency, who was hauled off a flight at Kennedy International Airport this afternoon after allegedly attempting to rape a maid at a New York hotel. Details come from the New York Times, which reports the alleged incident took place at a luxury hotel near Times Square, after a 32-year-old maid entered Mr. Strauss-Kahn's believed-to-be-unoccupied suite and was confronted by a completely naked Strauss-Kahn, who allegedly grabbed her, dragged her around the room, and repeatedly tried to rape her. The woman eventually fought her way free, 911 was called, and police found Strauss-Kahn in the first-class section of an Air France jet only minutes away from departing for Paris. Instead, Strauss-Kahn was yanked off the plane and handed over to the police, who arrested him on suspicion of attempted rape and unlawful imprisonment. By tomorrow, the maid will have picked Strauss-Kahn out of a lineup, reportedly identifying him as her alleged assailant. Strauss-Kahn remains in custody.

SUNDAY, MAY 15 The week ends with another day of record rainfall in Washington State, which will lead to flood warnings in numerous Central Washington counties tomorrow.

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