Columns Sep 28, 2011 at 4:00 am

Broken

Comments

1
More letters, less preaching. I know it's important, Dan, but this isn't the place.
2
:(
3
@ 1 can suck it. Keep it up, Dan.
4
I think it's kind of a wonder the LGBT doesn't counter the Christian-heterosexuality programming standard with its own byproduct theory for homosexuality. It isn't hard to imagine a strong drive to pair up with a gender advancing procreation. What's the big deal about that drive jumping genders in the child for his/her same sex?
5
@1 have you ever read the column before? it's regularly 50% preach
6
@1. Last I checked, this was Dan's column. Last I checked, the one who writes the column gets to decide what goes into that column. His place, his rules. Don't like it? Quit reading.
7
For FAP: I've posted about this on SLLOTD, but one thing to think about: working out regularly really helped me to orgasm. I didn't have my first orgasm until I was in my late 20s (I'd been sexually active for probably 10 years at that point), and I think the increased hormones I got from working out made a huge difference. It's not easy for me to orgasm today, but after my first time -- after I knew what it felt like -- I slowly *learned* how to orgasm, and it became easier and easier, so that now it is something I can do regularly (although in my case it is much easier for me to do with a partner than on my own).
Secondly, see if you can get yourself to a point where you're not thinking, but just feeling. It's a happy, relaxed, feel good place...if fantasy doesn't help with that, try smoking pot, or maybe if you're in a half-awake, half-asleep mode, that could help too -- anything that can help to shut down the thinking, analytical part of your brain.
And don't forget, there's nothing wrong with enjoying non-orgasmic sex -- that can be pretty amazing, too!
8
FAP, find yourself a copy of the book She Comes First, by Ian Kerner. Some libraries carry it. It gets into the physiology of women's sexual pleasure without being preachy or condescending, and it helped my husband and me immensely.

Letting go of the idea that you _must_ have an orgasm in order to have a fulfilling sex life is good advice, but that doesn't mean you should give up on the possibility entirely, either. Good luck.
9
What a tragedy! I'm so sorry to hear he took his life. No one should ever feel the asshole knows better. Rest in peace~

The following are my thoughts on improving life for all people.

Homophobia is 100% rooted in mysogyny. What is shameful about hanging out with girls? With women? With liking lady gaga?

Sadly, Dan misses that AGAIN in his first letter & ironically laments homophobia while referring to a theory that suggests women as off shoots of men, again. It's not the theory so much, as the way it's handled. Like yes, men are the standard.
RAWR!

The fact that blatant sexism & prejudice of women is the root of homophobia isn't even addressed. If a white kid were harrassed for dating a black person in the south, you can bet Dan would support black folks.

None of this negates the incredible tragedy of this young man.

I hope the gay community will realize the inherent sexism in all homophobia and start VIGOROUSLY and VOCALLY defending women's equality as well as their.
10
as well as their own.
11
@ FAP

You should try fisting.
12
Using the word preach makes common advice seem dirty, unreliable and avoidable. Dan is NOT preaching, preachers are generally evil little men with small penii or unloved evil little women. He is informing.
13
The "Byproduct" hypothesis is just that: a hypothesis. It isn't a theory. To be a theory, a scientific idea must be well understood, well described, describe all the available evidence, and not be contradicted by new findings.

Evolution is a Theory. Gravity is a Theory. Female Orgasm as Evolutionary Byproduct is a hypothesis that is already contradicted by the evidence that female orgasm facilitates sperm-uterine introduction, possibly increasing fertility.

The female orgasm may be an evolutionary byproduct. But we certainly don't know yet. And calling it a theory elevates it to a scientific status to which is has not nearly ascended.
14
@9 I will reserve the right to think less of Gaga fans :-)
15
FAP - I agree with Azul - try weed. It's really awesome at letting you really feel everything going on and it's quite erotic. I hope you get there!
16
Get yourself a vibrator. Spend 5 minutes a day with it, learning what feels good. I did that when I was 30, after 10 years of non-orgasmic sex. Still can't get off with a partner (not for lack of trying), but hey, I'm not frustrated anymore.
17
@ Ms. 11

Dan mentions all the time that the root of homophobia is misogyny
18
I second @15, it is fab.
19
Jamey's story was upsetting enough, but your update yesterday (http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive…) is really pushing the limits of my sanity. What is wrong with people?
20
Dear FAP,
You Will Get There.
I didn't have an orgasm until I was 38. Yes, 38 (though I hope you don't have to wait that long). Being off hormonal birth control is a good start.

You are lucky in that there is so much awareness out there, and so many options in terms of classes, vibrators, porn, erotica, etc.

If I could offer you advice, I would echo your doctor, but I would also say this: Find out what you like, what appeals to your erotic imagination. "Fantasy" is a broad term, and a lot of us use it differently. I don't mean "think about a specific act or position you want to try with your boyfriend;" I don't even want you to think about your boyfriend at all. In a way he's not part of this. This is your journey, and when you get much further along on your road, you can open the car door and let him in as a passenger, before you both take turns doing the driving. For now, you should be in a one-seater. I don't mean that you should break up with him or stop having the sex that you're having with him. But you've got some extra-relationship solo exploring you should devote real time and energy to.

There are lots of different kinds of vibrators, and they provide different kinds of sensations and stimulation. Don't think that because you've used one or two and they didn't get you anywhere, that that avenue is closed to you. And don't think that because a particular brand is hot and people rave about it, that it is THE best. Different people respond differently to different sensations. Invest some money and try a variety of vibes.

And discover what mental images/thoughts are the most arousing to you. I use written erotica; some people use visual porn; some, just their imaginations. Don't be afraid to keep going with a thought that might offend your feminist politics in what I call your "waking life," that is, your non-sexual life. Some of us are aroused by things that are pretty embarrassing or politically incorrect, unethical, or would be illegal. Sometimes we're aroused by things that aren't even possible! It's okay. As long as it stays in your head, anything goes. But you need to try. Read some stories and see if any of them get you going. No? Then try another genre. No? Then try something else. Think about the movie scene or scene from a book that you went back to again and again as an adolescent, sometimes with a vague feeling of guilt. Keep playing it out to a more sexual, graphic conclusion in your mind.

Keep trying, not in a desperate, frantic way, but because--and you can't even realize this now; now you're just centered on something that everyone else seems to get is being withheld from you--it will be so worth it. You are so young. That whole "women-reaching-their-sexual-peak-at-around-40" thing is often true. Or at least the fact that at 23, you haven't peaked yet. Your hormones will surge, especially if you're not interfering with them for birth control, you'll know what thoughts arouse you, you'll discover the kind of stimulation you need, and . . . bingo!
I can't promise you; but I promise you.
21
I'm so glad to see FAP's letter -- and Clark-Florey's response to it -- because my own seeming inability to orgasm has been a point of frustration for me as well. I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one, and that I'm not somehow just "doing it wrong."

As for the rest of the column, Jamey's story is heartbreaking. There simply are not words for the injustice that is the religious Right continuing to defend bullying, so long as it's directed towards the "acceptable" -- or even "commendable" -- target of GLBTQ youth.
22
oh yes, use weed.
Forgot to say that. Thanks, Azul.
23
I'm so glad to see FAP's letter -- and Clark-Florey's response to it -- because my own seeming inability to orgasm has been a point of frustration for me as well. I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one, and that I'm not somehow just "doing it wrong."

As for the rest of the column, Jamey's story is heartbreaking. There simply are not words for the injustice that is the religious Right continuing to defend bullying, so long as it's directed towards the "acceptable" -- or even "commendable" -- target of GLBTQ youth.
25
> “At first, I found this theory terribly off-putting,” says Clark-Flory

Personal feelings and politics don't really matter in science. Either something has evidence to back it up or it doesn't. This theory is fascinating but I'm sure there is tons more research to do before anybody can rely on it.

Besides, for "lukewarm leftovers" the orgasms women have (when they can have them) seem to trump us guys.

26
Another thing that needs to be addressed, a separate thing, is that even elementary school kids can be genetically inclined to depression. People, teachers, parents, aunts, uncles, friends need to know this so that kids can be properly medically treated if they need it.

Bullying is reprehensible and should be stopped; but it is not the only thing that needs to be thought of. My eldest is bullied because he has some aspie quirks; but he also inheirits an inclination to depression from both my spouse and me. Treating the depression with an SSRI has been critical; and getting an aspie friend has also helped him.

It strikes me too, that when the school is so poisonous to a child, homeschooling would be a great option, with going to LBGT groups and events, art classes etc. to help with the social needs. We seriously considered it for our son; but it hasn't been as bad for him as for this other boy, and the school has treated it seriously.
27
@20 & FAP - a major side effect to hormonal birth control is a much lowered libido. It tricks your body into not ovulating, so you're not as interested in sex. I never hit the big o w/ birth control either and it took some time from being off of it to do the trick ~ Give it time and no pressure :)
28
A bit sparse today and Dan missed the obvious potential cannabis solution to the anorgasmic dilemma. She might also want to try Ecstasy and experimenting with Viagra probably couldn't hurt. Tantric sex, a waterproof vibrator in the hot-tub, meditation, and hypnosis are also options for this woman.

'I can't even get myself off' does not mean she has tried a good vibrator and a 'caring sensitive partner' does not mean he has tried eating her out- slowly. Try it on a set time-table for at least 1 full hour with no pressure to cum.

Dan seems to dismiss this problem with a keep trying rather than offering practical potential solutions and he also failed to remind everyone that MOST women are anorgasmic with intercourse alone regardless of how sensitive and patient the partner might be.

The femboy suicide is a tragedy. We need to make these bully's understand the simple fact I told my son- if you are man enough to be friends with the gay kids they can be the absolute best wingmen. Girls always hang around them because there is no sexual tension- and there is no competition either. It can be the best of both worlds!
29
The first letter and the explanation of the female orgasm? Blah, blah, blah... The ORGASM - male and female exists because... hold onto your hats, folks.. IT FEELS GOOD.
How sad some scientists can't figure that out. Also, people are FEMALE before the womb receives the hormone to turn the fetus MALE so any logic there would be that the MALE orgasm would be the "by product."
What is pitiful is that girls - who then become women - listen to this crap. Why in the world would ANYONE be motivated to have sex at all if it didn't FEEL GOOD. Geesh.
30
FAP-- Try:

A few glasses of wine.

Vibrators of various sizes. Start small.

Porn or romance stories, possibly ones you can't imagine liking, and possibly story-heavy and not visual.

Also try visual porn.

Concentrating on sensation and overall enjoyment, not the finish.

Avoid a man who puts more emphasis on your coming than on your pleasure. Tell him straight out to leave the whole orgasm subject alone unless you bring it up.

Get in shape. Anything that adds to your overall health, especially cardio-vascular health, is a plus.

Whatever you try, give it a chance to work. Don't try it once and discard-- unless there was something about it that you found distasteful.

I'm not sure that your doctor is correct in saying that female orgasm is a mental thing. Maybe, maybe not. As Dan says, the experts in the field aren't sure. There are many examples of instances where something has been attributed to being entirely psychological until the physiological cause was discovered. There's no saying that will be case with female orgasm, but it could be. Look at the way menstrual cramps were attributed to teenage girls not being satisfied with their female role. They were sent to shrinks. It was implied that impotent middle aged men weren't sufficiently turned on. Then Viagra was discovered when researchers were looking for something to help heart disease. So relax, enjoy, and give it time.
31
Dan, I wish you'd had more than one theory described or maybe have another expert weigh in on the female orgasm. A contrasting idea is that female orgasms were necessary for evolution, as the intense contractions that happen in a woman's birth canal speed sperm to their final goal. If you didn't get make your mate come, you were only 2nd place, in terms of babymaking.

The part I do agree with: that orgasm for women is much more in the mind, than for men. If I'm approached sexually by someone who's been making out hot & heavy for 5 - 10 minutes, there's a mindset established, I'm relaxed, go team is in place. If ya just jump on me, I might get into it eventually, but it takes a lot longer to get off.

To FAP - I second the idea that you should relax, & enjoy the touching/sex you're having, & turn it less into a hunt for orgasms. I have a couple of pals who are unable to get off, but they both have plenty of hot sex. If the quest for orgasm is gonna obsess you until it happens, consider seeing a sex therapist. It may be difficult to do, but you've already reached out for some help. There could be a things you haven't tried yet or thought of.

Good luck to you!
32
Oh dear. Dan, go talk to your friend Christopher Ryan right NOW. He addresses these ridiculous and outdated ideas about female sexuality in the book you love to plug so much.

The idea that the female orgasm is a mystery only makes sense if you assume that (1) the only "function" of orgasm is ejaculation, and (2) women have not evolved to want to have sex. If you take a longer view of human sexuality, and recognize that we evolved to be sexual above and beyond our need to reproduce, the question is moot. Women have orgasms for the same reason that men have orgasms: because sex is good for us (and evolutionarily advantageous) in all sorts of ways.

As for FAP, you got good advice (it can't happen until you've stopped stressing about it), but let's all take a moment to remember that "abnormal" and "dysfunctional" are not synonyms. Even if you are biologically incapable of having orgasms (which would indeed be
"abnormal"), that does not make you "broken". Other people's experiences are not some sort of magical standard you (or anyone else) need to live up to. Your experience is your own, for better or for worse.
33
FAP - I'm a 47 year old straight woman who didn't have her first orgasm until LAST YEAR - yep, at age 46.
My advice - and I hope Dan passes this on since I don't know where FAP regularly reads this column - is to read Betty Dodson's website. She's a marvelous 82 year old sex educator who has lived through many a sexual revolution.
Not only does she have thorough, EXPLICIT instructions on HOW to orgasm, she'll also answer questions and give encouragement.
Consider yourself lucky in some ways - a) you are most definitely NOT alone and b) you have the internet to help!!! Something I sure didn't have at age 23 - the age I was when you were born...! So no doubt you will NOT have 23 years of unhappiness like me.
34
FAP - I'm a 47 year old straight woman who had her first orgasm LAST YEAR - yep, at age 46.
My advice - and I hope Dan passes this on to you or next time he gets a similar letter since I don't know where you regularly read this column - go to Betty Dodson's website. She's a sex educator who has a wealth of knowledge and advice.
And, best of all, her website has thorough, EXPLICIT advice on HOW to achieve orgasm through masturbation. And she also will give personal advice and encouragement.
Consider yourself lucky in some ways - a) You are most definitely NOT alone and b) You have the internet! Something I sure as hell didn't have when I was 23 - the age I was when you were born...! So no doubt you will NOT suffer another 23 years of unhappiness like I did.
36
I agree with #1. This column is starting to suck but I understand that as we get older we tend to become more boring and pompous. I know this stuff is important to some people but Dan, you got to get off the soap box. Your blog is the place for that or at least that's how I see it. I became a fan not because of your politics but because of your column THE WAY IT USED TO BE. Maybe I expect too much but fuck it, I can go to Huff Po for this type of shit.
37
@1 - Well said.
@6 - Oh, do grow up!
38
For FAP: The American Botanical Pharmacy has astoundingly effective herbal products which address many areas, including female (and male) sexual responses. Unlike herbal medicine in a health store (which is often weak and ineffective), these products are made from organic and wild-harvested sources.

They work. Don't be put off by their rather cheesy advertising.
39
@ 1 So immature and entitled.
41
FAP didn't mention how she was trying.....if she is expecting it to happen just by penetration, good luck. I'm assuming she's trying everything, but just sayin.
40
"Every little zygote, so beloved by the GOP base, has all the basic parts needed to build either a male or a female baby who, once born, the GOP base could not care less about." That sentence is genius.
42
@6, you know Dan is gay right? No matter how sycophantic you are, you aren't going to be able to actually suck his dick. We get it's his column but we are his fans so we get a say, hence the reason to allow FUCKING COMMENTS. Oh, and quit being a bitch otherwise I'll stop reading your comments!!
44
@9 (Ms.11):
I agree that a lot of homophobia seems closely related to misogyny, and that the link should be explored, the discussion opened, leading preferably not only to reduced or eradicated homophobia, but also to reduced or eradicated misogyny.
But don't extend your irritation to Dan. His answer to the first letter, while I think it unhelpful, isn't in itself misogynist. Nor is his attitude in general. He may have a little inherent male superiority (I mean, he's male, and gay, to boot, so . . .), but you do him a huge disservice to associate his slight sense of privilege with the hate-filled bigotry that fuels the bullying of someone like Jamey Rodemeyer.
45
I don't think the people speculating the female orgasm is a result of male orgasm are also saying that women are just an offshoot of men(implying that they are somehow a less-perfect version of a male). In the articles where I first read about this theory, the example was that female orgasm was like male nipples: only there because it was needed in the other sex. Even though they may be an erotic zone for some men, male nipples are completely useless. They are only there because it's easier to leave the instructions for making nipples in when making a male than it is to remove those instructions. Males can also get breast cancer(although it is extremely rare). Ever hear the phrase "as useless as tits on a boar?"

The other thing to remember is that even *if* female orgasm only exists as an offshoot of male orgasm(and the jury is still out on that), so what? It can still be an evolutionary advantage in all the other ways that people suggest. My pinkie finger exists because the command "create a finger" is repeated three times. Doesn't mean my pinkie finger is somehow less useful or inferior to my index finger. How something comes to exist has no bearing on its usefulness or inherent value.
46
Obviously, just telling kids that things will get better sometimes just isn't enough - sadly not enough for Jamey Rodemeyer. Getting through to older kids/young adults means relating to them in a way that they can click with.

In a recent NYT Op Ed piece, http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/23/opinio…, Dana Boyd and Alice Marwick rightly point out that, "...in the rush to find a solution, adults are failing to recognize how their conversations about bullying are often misaligned with youth narratives. Adults need to start paying attention to the language of youth if they want antibullying interventions to succeed."

Good reading. Check it out.
47
There are also a number of medications that can affect sexuality.

Only anti-depressants have been studied so far for their tendency to scotch female orgasms, but it's suspected that many more medications may also have an inhibiting effect:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/68871…

Although the thrust (ha!) of the below is about male sexuality, there's the distinct possibility they could also effect female orgasm.

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sexandrelatio…

48
"There are several reasons for women who come to our clinic with the complaint of lack of orgasm...

3) Antidepressant medication such as SSRI’s
4) Birth control pills: 70 million women worldwide take the oral contraceptive pill (OCP). The OCP stops ovarian testosterone synthesis and increases the level of sex steroid binding globulin which binds to testosterone rendering much of the circulating testosterone inactive. Low bioavailable or free testosterone values may be a cause of diminished sensation in the genitals leading to difficulty with orgasm and a loss of sexual interest. It is curious that sexual side effects of the oral contraceptive pill are not listed in the PDR (Physician’s Desk Reference). Women on the OCP may also have pain because the vestibular glands near the hymen require testosterone to remain healthy.

An evaluation for lack of orgasm includes a psychological evaluation, sexual and medical history, physical exam, quantitative sensory testing, and blood tests in which as many of the 10 steroids as possible are measured. An individual plan for each patient is developed. DHEA and testosterone may be prescribed as double blind placebo-controlled tests for safety and efficacy have been published for both... EROS therapy (a device applying vacuum intermittently to the clitoris) helps makes the sensory nerves to the clitoris more sensitive."
http://www.bumc.bu.edu/sexualmedicine/in…

Although only oral contraceptives, anti-depressants and anti-psychotics have been studied for their inhibiting effects on female orgasm, there's a distinct possibility that the medications that can cause sexual dysfunction in men, may also affect women.

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sexandrelatio…

49
ARGH. Can't we just please stop this explaining femaleness in terms of how it is or isn't like maleness? This assumes that "male" is "normal" or neutral or the middle or whatever. Which it isn't. It's just one of two things. You could just as easily define male sexuality only in terms of how it's different from female--that makes about as much sense.

The existence of female orgasms to me shows that sex is about a lot more than reproduction.

I mean, how does being GAY fit into this theory? Why should gay men have orgasms when their sex is clearly not related to reproduction? In fact, if you count gay men and lesbians, bisexuals, women (who themselves make up more than 50% of the population), and couples past the age of about 45, you'd find that MOST of the sex humans have is not about reproduction.

(Read Sandra Loh's hilarious piece about menopause in the recent Atlantic -- her theory is that the childbearing years are actually the anomaly in a woman's life, not her "normal" state.)

It's just a het-male-centered p.o.v. that makes this seem to be the case, het men being historically extremely overconcerned about which children are "theirs."

Dan, beware, beware of evolutionary psychology. No other "science" reflects cultural values so much. (And anyone who equates "science" with "truth" is taking a misguided religious approach. Most scientists will be the first to tell you that what's considered correct now will be proven otherwise in the future.)
50
I could also have said "most of the ORGASMS people have" are not related to reproduction. Add masturbation to that list.

Sex is about pleasure, connection to others, intimacy, communication without words. Orgasm releases the hormone oxytocin which promotes bonding and closeness. All of these things might be said to benefit society as much as, or more, than reproduction. And these are all things individual humans need to be healthy and happy -- that is, they are all good for maintaining the species.

A society could spew out 10,000 babies/year but without a supportive community and the emotional, physical, and economic help of others, not to mention the love of others, those babies are not going to do very well -- and neither would the society. No other mammal has babies who are so helpless at birth as human beings, and who need parenting for so long. Life is about a lot more than just squirting your spunk.
51
@Toadmommy - I don't think you have a good handle on evolutionary theory. Successful reproduction doesn't just mean conceiving a child- if that child dies, you have not successfully passed on your genes. So all of the closeness, bonding, relationships, parenting, etc. that you refer to is just as relevant to evolution as making babies.

Also, by definition, science is the search for truth. And scientific theories - which are our best estimate at how things work based on the evidence we've collectively gathered - may not represent a complete understanding of the truth, but they're the closest things we have. So, equating "science" and "truth" is not the worst thing you can do.
52
@Toadmommy - I don't think you have a good handle on evolutionary theory. Successful reproduction doesn't just mean conceiving a child- if that child dies, you have not successfully passed on your genes. So all of the closeness, bonding, relationships, parenting, etc. that you refer to is just as relevant to evolution as making babies.

Also, by definition, science is the search for truth. And scientific theories - which are our best estimate at how things work based on the evidence we've collectively gathered - may not represent a complete understanding of the truth, but they're the closest things we have. So, equating "science" and "truth" is not the worst thing you can do.
54
Hey Dan, have you offered to give a talk at that high school? I think you should, and report their reply to the media. "Administration of Jamey Rodemeyer's High School Refuses Offer by IGBP Founder." Wouldn't that make a great headline?

On another note, I really hope somebody got the names of the kids who were taunting the sister after Jamey's death. That would knock a hole in any defense about remorse and "we didn't mean it."
55
Another very speculative hypothesis about female orgasm, from back in the early days of sociobiology (The Naked Ape by Desmond Morris).

We walk upright. If a woman stood up and walked away right after sex, the sperm would dribble out and there would be a decreased likelihood that they'd reach the egg.

The more she is into it (and him), the more likely she is to come, and then she is more likely to stay lying down for a while afterward.
56
FAP, how long have you been off of birth control? Try to make sure you're giving yourself enough time to fully recover (hormonally) from that shit. I took myself off of it this past spring after being on it for 13 years. That's way, way too long. I think I'm not right from it still.
I'm assuming you already own a vibrator and it's not doing it for you. (?) Get a different one. Good luck
57
Hitachi wand, also. If you haven't tried it.
58
I have to believe that either this bullying that is happening now is a far, far different beast than I ever encountered in High School, or that there is something fundamentally lacking in all these kids lives. Or both. I'm baffled. Bullying was HARSH in my school, but no one killed themselves over it. Why is this happening now?
59
You realize cyber-harassment law is so vague that a court could easily find you guilty of violating it about Santorum?

Assuming of course that like the legislators that pass such laws it has never read the first amendment.
60
OK, I was really disappointed by the first answer. LONG on (questionable) theory, SHORT on practical advice. Some great comments here. I have never had this problem despite taking birth control pills for a long time.
However, two suggestions. One is called Orgasmic Meditation (OM). You do it with a partner and no penetration is involved. It may help you get to that feeling-instead-of-thinking place. The second suggestion is to try some type of anal play or a combo of oral and anal and maybe try to graduate to anal sex. Don't know if this has been tried. Also, I wouldn't overdo it on the alcohol. Even as sensitive as I am, if I have had too many, there is a numbing effect.
61
Hey, Tracy Clark-Flory, the person who wrote this atrocity, for which a full third of the answers are wrong in one form or another (and a few more of the questions have framing issues)! Apparently she's also a subscriber to the bad-science version of Evolutionary Psychology. That's not science at all, it's an unsupported (like the information in her articles, for which she lists no sources!) assertion that's counter-intuitive: female orgasm exists for the same reason as male orgasm - sex being pleasurable (see, we could have male ejaculation w/o orgasm, because they're not the same thing, as Clark-Flory incorrectly states) is advantageous because it encourages fucking, which makes babies, and also because humans are a social species that can only survive in groups, with offspring that require a long post-gestational development period, so sex as a means of bonding is important. She's stuck on the (sexist) assumption that the female orgasm needs explanation while the male orgasm is self-evident, casting 'male' as the norm to which 'female' is compared.

Also (we JUST covered fetal sexual differentiation in one of my classes this last week), male and female sex organs only develop from SOME of "same component parts", mostly the external genitalia. Also also, orgasm is only weakly linked to the genitals in the first place; it can actually occur without any external stimuli whatsoever, and can be precipitated by all sorts of stimuli - the only requirement is that the subject find the stimuli sexually arousing.

Her last paragraph is the only useful and ultimately accurate thing she says. Ditch the stupid, sexist asshole, Dan - I'm pretty sure you could have (and have previously, actually) come up with the same advice without all of the bullshit.
62
I was “broken” at 23 too. And I am going to echo #20 with my story. At 23, I started my own “must orgasm” campaign because, in spite of a fair amount of sex, I absolutely couldn’t orgasm. I got a vibrator. I knew I was supposed to fantasize. I thought about my lovely, attentive boyfriend and all our lovely, attentive sex. And I “practiced” every day for a month. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

So there was no orgasm, but it still felt nice, so I gave up on the whole orgasm thing and started using the vibrator at night to help me sleep. One day, while drifting off, my lovely attentive sex fantasy morphed into something where I was being gangbanged by my boyfriend’s fraternity while he watched and provided instructions. I came like lightening in five minutes.

I wasn’t broken; I was just dirty. Good luck!
63
I hadn't heard of the "byproduct theory" before, but that logic is honestly what I've always assumed about female orgasms.

Because, since the clitoris would've been a penis in the presence of testosterone, and the g-spot would've likewise been a prostate, it stands to reason that the nerves are "wired" in the same way for either setup.

@61 Yes, orgasm and ejaculation are technically separate in men. But, would men still be as driven to have sex if ejaculation rarely lead to an orgasm, or if they regularly occurred in different intervals? I'm not sure she was saying that male ejaculation = orgasm, just that men who orgasm every time they ejaculate are much more likely to be driven to reproduce than those who don't, whereas female orgasms aren't associated with fertilization/ovulation. (You are much more familiar with her work, though.)
64
Bullying is a normal and natural part of human childhood. (Note: Neither "natural" nor "normal" means "good.") Getting rid of it would be a very, very big deal. Social dynamics and aggression are a huge part of what makes us human, and this isn't a matter of passing a law or reorganizing the school system. Ending bullying would require a fundamental change in the way we raise our children--and it might not even be possible.

Sure, we should try. Sure, we should invest in research into child psychology. Sure, we should be willing to put children into programs that try new things. We should definitely teach anti-racism and anti-homophobia in schools. But we should also expect children to react and respond on levels commensurate with their age.

My credentials: ten+ years on the receiving end.
65
I'm a man, & I have shown Tracy Clark-Flory's spiel to several women today, and every one of them says she's a misguided idiot who doesn't know WTF she's talking about.

Yet another reason to remember to take Dan's advice (and taste) with a huge grain of salt, despite his frequently being on the mark.
66
I'm a man, & I have shown Tracy Likely-Story's spiel to several women today, and every one of them says she's a misguided idiot who doesn't know WTF she's talking about.

Yet another reason to remember to take Dan's advice (and taste) with a huge grain of salt, despite his frequently being on the mark.
67
FAP: I couldn't orgasm with a partner until I learned how to orgasm by myself. In your question, you say that you try often with your partner, and you may have tried masturbation just as often, but I thought I would sing its praises anyway.
68
@20 and @62 ... when it comes to fantasizing during masturbation, the dirtier the better. And find a doctor who will thoroughly check your hormones. I can't orgasm when my testosterone is low, but it's easy to correct.
69
Read The Orgasm Diet by Marrena Lindberg.

Start taking high doses per her recommendation of FISH OIL, more than the bottle says - a tablespoon of the Carlson's Fish Oil for example.

Seriously . . . this is the most practical immediate thing you can do. And if it doesnt work check your hormone levels with a doc and make sure Testosterone isnt too low.

Worked for me
70
I don't know if I'm going to go along with the evolutionary notion -- because most of the evo-psycho stuff is just woo woo bullshit -- way too influenced by our own cultural perceptions.

I *do* want to say that a 23 year old female who has trouble reaching orgasm isn't at all unusual. It's also not at all unusual to be unable to focus on something/acheive something when one is stressing out completely about acheiving/doing this -- that's a condition that *all* of us, male/female, gay/straight, old/young, tall/short, whatever, can relate to.

As long as you physically check out -- hormone levels, that kind of thing, and you aren't actually experiencing pain while trying to reach orgasm, I'd try to back off from concentrating on the orgasm to concentrating on enjoying each sexual/sensual encounter itself -- may surprise you.

Which is, I guess, pretty much the last bit of advice Dan ran thru, above.
71
I'd always sort of assumed that a female orgasm (or rather the muscular contractions associated with it) acted to draw (and hold) ejaculate further into the uterus thus making conception more likely thus adding an advantage to breeding (in a Darwinian sense).

What do I know though, I've never had one, only observed (and been a little jealous)
72
As others said, you should learn to give yourself an orgasm first.

I'm probably going to get virtually punched, but I really DON'T understand how women, who have been sexually active for years, have never had an orgasm! Especially those who masturbate. I try to understand it, but I can't.

This is coming from someone who has been masturbating/orgasming since she was five, so that's probably why I'm an inconsiderate douche.

But here's my compassion: coming has become much harder as I've gotten older, with all the hormones, distractions, and stress of adult life. I can imagine that learning to cum as an adult is much more tricky than learning as a kid/teen, where your mind can so easily tune to channel ORGASM.

So yes, orgasms are largely mental. Get yourself REALLY rev'd up before you start mentally working toward orgasm. Like, to the point where you feel like your vagina and uterus are going to explode, and you'll go on a killing spree if you don't satiate that urge.

Also, a lot of women (myself included) are a huuuuge fan of the Hitachi. Try it out.
73
MameSnidely: There are so many factors as to why one person is more likely to commit suicide, while another person isn't. Besides, it's not just high school. He could have been dealing with prejudice all his life. To add to the problem, bullies have more ways to harass you now (cyber bullying). The bullying doesn't just happen in school anymore. Sometimes, it's like there's no escape.

"I'm baffled. Bullying was HARSH in my school, but no one killed themselves over it. Why is this happening now?"

I hope you're not implying what I think you're implying.

Suicide isn't a new thing. Not at all. People are just more aware of it now.
74
As others said, you should learn to give yourself an orgasm first.

I'm probably going to get virtually punched, but I really DON'T understand how women, who have been sexually active for years, have never had an orgasm! Especially those who masturbate. I try to understand it, but I can't.

This is coming from someone who has been masturbating/orgasming since she was five, so that's probably why I'm an inconsiderate douche.

But here's my compassion: coming has become much harder as I've gotten older, with all the hormones, distractions, and stress of adult life. I can imagine that learning to cum as an adult is much more tricky than learning as a kid/teen, where your mind can so easily tune to channel ORGASM.

So yes, orgasms are largely mental. Get yourself REALLY rev'd up before you start mentally working toward orgasm. Like, to the point where you feel like your vagina and uterus are going to explode, and you'll go on a killing spree if you don't satiate that urge.

Also, a lot of women (myself included) are a huuuuge fan of the Hitachi. Try it out.
75
As others said, you should learn to give yourself an orgasm first.

I'm probably going to get virtually punched, but I really DON'T understand how women, who have been sexually active for years, have never had an orgasm! Especially those who masturbate. I try to understand it, but I can't.

This is coming from someone who has been masturbating/orgasming since she was five, so that's probably why I'm an inconsiderate douche.

But here's my compassion: coming has become much harder as I've gotten older, with all the hormones, distractions, and stress of adult life. I can imagine that learning to cum as an adult is much more tricky than learning as a kid/teen, where your mind can so easily tune to channel ORGASM.

So yes, orgasms are largely mental. Get yourself REALLY rev'd up before you start mentally working toward orgasm. Like, to the point where you feel like your vagina and uterus are going to explode, and you'll go on a killing spree if you don't satiate that urge.

Also, a lot of women (myself included) are a huuuuge fan of the Hitachi. Try it out.
76
Yes, try the Hitachi, but it isn't the be-all and end-all of vibrators for everyone.
It doesn't provide penetrative, internal stimulation, which for some of us is essential.
That's what I meant about giving more than one kind of vibrator a try. I bought the Hitachi in my 20s, assured that it guaranteed orgasm. When I still couldn't come, I assumed that there was something wrong with me. There isn't. I just needed something different.
Try the Hitatchi, but also try a rabbit-type, a bullet-type, and something else.
And let your mind go where you've been told that it shouldn't.
77
While in college many moons ago, I read a book by Dr. Alfred Ellis who explained quite well how a female responds to stimulation. One point that he made was that too much stimulation, too long will result in the area becoming numb - which inhibits the orgasm. He recommended that you give the area being stimulated a "break" from time to time to allow it to recover. After the break, don't apply too much pressure too soon - simply allow nature to take its course, the Big O!!!
78
I concur that you should learn to orgasm yourself before learning with someone else.

I'm probably going to be virtually kicked, but I just DON'T understand how so many women have not had an orgasm, especially if they have been masturbating and/or sexually active for years. I just...don't. With all the resources out there...

But this is coming from someone who's been masturbating/orgasm-ing since she was five, so I'm probably the worst person to judge.

However, I've noticed that coming in my mid-twenties requires much more mental effort, due to the insanity of adulthood. So much more to distract you and stress you out when you're an adult. So, I can imagine that learning to come as an adult is much harder, since your brain may be less likely to get on and stay on CHANNEL SEX.

a lot of women rave about the Hitachi wand, myself included. Try it out. After two years, it has yet to fail me. Someday you will be getting off in 10 seconds from that thing.
79
sorry about the (triple?) posts. I agree that the Hitachi isn't the magic answer for everyone. And even the people who love the Hitachi may get sick of it occasionally, and sometimes it may not even get them off.
...because sometimes, it's more of a rabbit-kind-of-evening than a bullet-kind-of-evening. Or a rabbit-plus-bullet-kind-of-evening?

80
@#73: It was pretty inescapable where I grew up as well. And no, I'm not implying that there's something wrong with the kids.... I'm saying that in my larger region, during high school, I knew of NO bullying related suicides. NONE. In fact, I know of only two suicides total. One was due to untreated clinical depression. The other seemed to be related to a divorce, IIRC. This makes me think that what they are calling bullying, people my age and older might not recognize as bullying as WE KNEW IT. It's like the difference between the potency of 1970's pot and the pot of today -- some of the varieties are much, much more potent. But it's still called pot. I wonder if the bullying should really now be classified as stalking or severe harassment, verbal assault. And if it should be, why has it gotten so much worse? I really do mean I have questions. I'm not just using that as a turn of phrase.

I was harshly bullied, I was badly ostracized. I had few friends. My car got egged, my bike got messed up... that sort of thing. Oh, and I had an arc welder shoved in my face and sparked off. Looking back, I'd say I was pretty soundly bullied. So were a couple of other kids. Most of us seem ok these days, and we aren't dead.

So if this kid is experiencing what I experienced, what did I have that he doesn't have? He seems pretty together, and pretty average in a lot of ways in his video.

So let's say it's not that.... then we go back to the question as to whether the bullying is bullying, or if it is something more sinister?

If it is... what is it really?
81
To add to that, if we call it bullying, and it's REALLY sexual harassment or it's REALLY assault then we can take action. There's an old proverb -- saying something's proper name gives you power over it.
82
LW 1 should lose that doctor who said it was all in her head and find a better one. Have the new one test her blood testosterone levels.

I speak from experience. I am a woman who never had any problem with the big O, until suddenly I couldn't get there any more. Nothing had changed "in my head."

What had changed was my testosterone levels, which had gotten too low. There can be many causes for this; in mine it was a side effect to a medication I was taking for a chronic skin problem.

The good doc prescribed bio-identical testosterone supplements. They work like a charm for me. I was back to my toe-curling self as soon as I started on them.
83
This not a blog, Dan, Jesus Christ. Keep it out of the column.

You know I support your endeavors to make this world hate free, but I come to your site to escape the news and shit I read on Huffington Post everyday. So PLEASE...leave the activism to the blog and post advice to the column. Thank you
84
FAP should try mindfulness meditation! after trying (might have been the problem!) for 5 years without any luck, i did a mindfulness course for other reasons- the extensive mental skills i learnt + a fabulous partner + a more calm, slow attitude to most things, including sex = extensive, fabulous, calm and slow orgasms. ;)
85
I was harshly bullied, I was badly ostracized. I had few friends. My car got egged, my bike got messed up... that sort of thing. Oh, and I had an arc welder shoved in my face and sparked off. Looking back, I'd say I was pretty soundly bullied. So were a couple of other kids. Most of us seem ok these days, and we aren't dead.

So if this kid is experiencing what I experienced, what did I have that he doesn't have?


Perhaps the love and support of your parents.

I don't know about Jamey in particular, but it seems like a lot of the suicides are kids who are a) gay and b) living in an area where everyone thinks homosexuality is sick wrong - including their parents.

I've experienced bullying really similar to what you describe, MameSnidely - and, frustratingly, my parents made no move to stop any of it (either because they were too self-involved to notice it was happening, or because they didn't want to cause a fuss with my school principal. I suspect a bit of both). But regardless, my parents loved me and thought I was a good person - and would have even if I happened to be a lesbian.

If I'd had the same horrible, bullied childhood and knew that my parents thought I deserved to be treated that way, or that I was a sick and horrible human being, I might have killed myself, too.

Not to mention, when I was young my parents always told me that childhood sucks and being an adult is better. Other kids' parents apparently like to tell them "these are the best years of your life!" which...man, if I'd been told that back in the day, I would have offed myself!
86
@25 about emotion and Science,

Of course scientists are emotional in their approaches to their work. We're human after all. In fact, an "I hate this lab's work, I want to kill it" approach is pretty common. It is precisely the process of being UNable to kill a hated concept that can firmly cement it into accepted FACT (cases in point: (what became retroviral) RNA viruses causing tumors and prions). I had to give a talk about Howard Temin, and back in the days when he was helping to establish consistent techniques to allow eukaryotic cell culture (and the best technology they had was incorporation of tritiated DNA into post RNA virus infected eukaryotic cells) and he was promoting, as an extension of lysogenic infection to eukaryotic cells, the idea of viruses causing tumors. The problem was they found the phenomenon associated with RNA viruses. I read the responses to one of his talks, and the silence was deafening (to be fair, the results were a whopping, maybe, 5% above background. Again, using tritium). Keeping in mind this directly challenged the central dogma of biology, it should have garnered some kind of response (like rabid attacks). I invite you to investigate the Temin story on your own, as he was an amazing person. Also, during the early 1980s when I was going through college, everyone thought Prusiner was a fruitcase.

Both Temin and Prusiner had a hell of a time dealing with the emotional aspects of challenging dogma. In counterpoint, look at the rabid (nationalistic) support for Hwang Woo-suk during the Korean cloning scandal. Emotions play a large role in science, it is only when hypothesis becomes (universally reproducible) proof that they become buried.

Again scientists aren't Science. We are fallible and sentimental.

Peace.
87
I don't know enough about this Tracy Clark-Flory person to pass any sort of judgment on her credentials, but Elisabeth Lloyd, the researcher mentioned in the column, is pretty darn amazing. Anyone with an interest in the evolution of the female orgasm should check out The Case of the Female Orgasm.

As previous commenters have pointed out, the hypothesis that female orgasm is an evolutionary byproduct does have its detractors. However, those scientists (and pop-scientists) who argue that female orgasm is adaptive are burdened by a dearth of concrete evidence. Adaptationists have proposed various mechanisms by which female orgasm might increase the rate of conception -- most notably "uterine upsuck" -- but none of these seem to hold up under laboratory testing. And, counterintuitive though it may seem, statistics show that female orgasmic capacity does not correlate with frequency of sexual activity. In other words, an anorgasmic woman is just as likely to have intercourse as a multiorgasmic one.
88
New(ish) research does not support the "byproduct" hypothesis of female orgasm:
http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2011/0…
89
FAP should see a second doctor who will run medically relevant tests to determine if there's an underlying medical cause for her lack of orgasms. Seeking a psychologist's opinion would also be a good step. Many men and women have psychological issues surrounding orgasm.

Speaking as a scientist, subscribing to this "byproduct" hypothesis is misleading and dangerous. Just because scientists cannot clearly measure the outcome of the female orgasm in terms of enhancing reproduction, does not mean that the female orgasm has no purpose and is a byproduct. History is full of examples of scientists being ignorant of biological processes and, instead, being swayed by popular beliefs of the time.
90
Hetero/F: I've been successfully masturbating since I was three and it's a problem.
History: My first "real" BF was at 27, and I was a "technical" virgin at 30, when I met my (eventual) husband.
Problem: BF could get me to O in moments (and over, and over) orally. Husband expects me to be satisfied with the (much less successful) spaghetti-o's during penetrative sex. Few and far between. I've really had to work at learning to come at all with penetrative sex because all I've ever done the rest of my life has been clitoral stimulation.
Point: The LW should definitely get in her own space to practice & learn (and for heaven's sake, it's supposed to be fun - burn a candle, substitute a blue light bulb in your desk lamp, play a steamy CD, burn incense, sock a pillow until you're covered in feathers - enjoy it!) but use the stuff that feels good (including the visual, auditory, scent you've taught yourself to associate with coming) to translate into better times with your guy. Otherwise you might find that you teach yourself how to O without getting any traction on how to do so with him - which is pretty critical, IMHO.

Re Bullying: Badly bullied as a kid, right through middle school. GUYS beating me up on the bus. In my heart of hearts I know if I'd had the chance, I'd have gossiped about others behind their backs, too - I'm no angel. Being bullied doesn't make you a saint. All I'm saying is - the little shit who seems so prima donna that you run into socially (your friends' kid, your niece, in the grocery store, the speech & debate queen) might be using a candy-coated shell to cover up a big hurt. Give kids the benefit of the doubt and use Dan's campfire analogy: leave 'em better than you found 'em. They're stuck in a state-regulated gulag all their formative years - give 'em a break.
91
@80 "I knew of NO bullying related suicides. NONE."

Suicide used to be more hushed up. Also, now we get news of tragedies from all over the country.

Lots of good advice here about orgasms. Though you have to just try lots of different things and see what works for you. For me, I have to get my conscious brain out of the way. Stories, vibrators, a hot shower, and a drink are all helpful for me. But see what gets you close, and have fun with that.
92
MamaSnidely: I think I misinterpreted what you meant. I thought it was going to be a "blame the victim" deal. I hear so many people say that kids today should just "toughen up" and "deal with it". I apologize for assuming that.

To be perfectly honest, I don't have anything of value to say about what this could be considered. I've never thought about the differences between bullying and something even more severe.

As for the suicide, as I've said, there's many factors. Maybe he had depression, maybe he didn't have enough support....people have different tolerence for pain and different ways to cope.

I don't know what exactly happened, so I don't know what's different.
93
I'm on my third girlfriend in a row who can't orgasm. The first was due to a side effect of anti-psychotics. No clue about the second, but I suspect something either mental (she thought her vagina was disgusting), or possibly physical (she loved sex, loved masturbating, she just never got there). The third could be anything - she's a bit of a prude so my best guess is psychological hangups, but she isn't comfortable discussing it, so who knows.

So I haven't given an orgasm to a partner in almost a decade and it's really damaged my own sex drive. Society teaches us that we are somehow to blame if we cannot bring our partners to fruition, and while the last two girlfriends have claimed to really enjoy the sex we have, I still somehow feel as if I am simply masturbating using another person rather than providing pleasure. Even if it might be normal for many women to have difficult or even no orgasms, societal pressure will continue to damage not only the women themselves but their partners as well.

It's such a sad thing.
94
Also, to FAP, if she's reading this:

You're not broken (but your gynecologist is an idiot). Going off birth control may well improve your sexual functioning; if you're on an antidepressant, that may be impairing your ability to orgasm as well. A full hormonal work-up by an endocrinologist might also be worth looking into. As @82 pointed out, low testosterone can cause anorgasmia (although mucking around with one's natural testosterone levels carries its own set of risks).

Of course, it's entirely possible that your testosterone levels are just fine, you're not on an antidepressant (or not able to go off the one you're on), and your orgasmic difficulties will continue even after you've gone off birth control. In which case, don't despair. Some women are simply less orgasmic than others. Speaking as one of the less orgasmic women, I can tell you that yeah, it's not great -- but it's also not your fault. Your difficulty achieving orgasm has nothing to do with you being neurotic, or inhibited, or traumatized, or sexually unskilled, or any of the other pop-psych "explanations" you might encounter. It's simply the way your body is wired.

Here's the good news: given enough time and experimentation, you probably can learn to orgasm -- and once you learn, it will get easier. Will you ever be one of those women who goes into convulsions of ecstasy from a mere touch to the clitoris? Probably not, but outside of porn, those women are only slightly more common than unicorns.

When you're trying for that elusive first orgasm, you'll probably do best with four things: vibrators, porn (textual or visual, whichever gets your motor running), patience, and solitude. Once you figure out what works for you, you can bring your boyfriend in on the fun; in the beginning, his presence would probably be a distraction and an added source of pressure. Speaking of pressure: don't pressure yourself. If you don't achieve orgasm the first, the second, or the tenth time, keep trying. And keep experimenting! Find the porn that gets you hottest and most bothered, not the porn that you think you "should" like. And try different sex toys. Lots of women swear by the Hitachi Magic Wand, but it's never done much for me; the Conair Touch & Tone massager is my go-to sex toy. If clitoral stimulation alone isn't working, try adding a dildo (or a buttplug, or nipple clamps, or whatever else strikes your fancy).
95
1) Homphobia is totally rooted in gender-nonconformity;and it appears to some minds to be acceptable to treat perceived "excessive" femininity with violence- Effeminacy being equated with triviality and weakness. This is the seed of a license to violence, "take this because you deserve it" mentality which is a crock of BS. In college I was friends with a guy who was gender dysphoric as a child and he was an absolute education for me. Effeminacy is generation of trust, connection, power, kindness, articulacy and insight. It doesn't deserve to be equated with weakness anymore than maleness deserves to be equated with violence.
96
@80, 85 - I know for a fact I would have killed myself in HS if I didn't have a supportive, loving family. Some days, even that was hardly enough. I shudder to think of what would have happened if we had Facebook back in the day. And I'm not even gay (though I did have other reasons to be bullied). Just wanted to throw that out there.
97
@73, @78, @80,

I was bullied as a nerd, until I became a large and athletic nerd. That I could deal with, because it never came home with me. (My parental support would've been something like "beat them up if they challenge you".) (As it happened when I finally did get into a fight, with a kid my mom couldn't stand, her only response was a (good Christian) "Huh, I heard you gave him mercy".)

Later, while I was away from home, is when I got into emotional trouble. I had enough trouble dealing with wild mood swings, I can't imagine dealing with bullying as well.

Peace.
98
For FAP: I didn't have an orgasm 'til I was 30, and now I have them every day. For me it wasn't about fantasy or anything mental, it was just about finding the right vibrator. Hitachi magic wand FTW. Try a bunch of different ones and try them alone while you can concentrate.
99
Something about FAP's letter is starting to remind me of No Clue What To Do's of 2 weeks ago. We hear about the problem which makes sense since this is an advice column where people write in with their problems, but we can't assess the situation without knowing what's right. We know that FAP's partner is wonderfully patient and helpful, but is he hot? Do you desire him? We know that she and the partner have a healthy sex life, but what does healthy in this instance consist of? I was impressed with the Scarleteen article that EricaP recommended, the one by Heather Corinna, "An Immodest Proposal," in which she brings up desire as the often missing element in "healthy relationships."

I'm zeroing in on this part about the guy being patient and helpful. The more I think about it, the more it's sounding like he's impatient and disappointed-- which is quickly translated into applying subtle but insistent pressure. That becomes anxiety on your part which is the wrong direction. What's he doing for you? Is it possible that he's going slow and worshipping your every sigh when you need him to go fast and turn you on? Granted learning on your own is the way to go. Ultimately you'll have to be responsible for your own orgasm, but the way to get there is with desire, enjoyment, finding out what turns you on and gets you hot.

You don't say what you've tried, what has gotten you closer and what hasn't. Checking for testerone levels was new to me and makes sense. I'd like to hear which of the suggestions in this thread you've tried, and what sounds like it might work-- and what eventually works.
100
@99,

Your point of the partner not necessarily doing the best thing for an O is right on. BUT, what might help in that department may also be missing: verbal feedback. It can be very frustrating when your requests for feedback are lost to inhibitions and/or lack of experience. I guess that solo sex would be the best place to start, if for no other reason than to cut out the difficulties in communicating what works (verbally or otherwise). Even then, you can lie to yourself that it really is desirable to let go and have fireworks go off in your brain.

I have been lucky that all of my partners were orgasmic (though it is a small sample size). I am fortunate because they all also responded well to oral sex. I am still frustrated that almost all my requests for verbal feedback never worked. Thankfully, I was well instructed by their nonverbal responses.

So I end with a plea: Folks, it is a good thing to tell your partner what you want. Keeping it a state secret helps no one!

Peace.
101
@100 My mind goes blank when asked "what should I do now? what do you like?" For me, it works better to make it a choice, rather than a fill-in-the-blank quiz -- "here, or here?" "harder, softer, or just right?" "just tongue, or finger too?" Where each choice is something he enjoys, so I don't worry about shutting down the fun.
102
I always assumed the evolutionary point of the female orgasm was to protect children. We (women) hit puberty and our hormones give us orders to fuck. Who would we rather fuck, the guy who takes the time to get us off or the one who's done and gone before we start? So, by way of the elusive female orgasm, we hook up with the guy who cares a little about us (and by extension, about the babies we may make together) rather than just being a selfish douche. The selfish douches get less sex in the end, at least less reccuring sex.
103
@80: At risk of repeating what someone else has already said, the five or six suicides that made the news this last year or so are drawn from news sources encompassing the entire nation, a population of three hundred million or so. Your personal experience growing up doesn't have enough breadth to be comparable.
104
Try Vipassana, Goenkaji Style. I was non orgasmic (also on the pill--which by the way KILLS THE LIBIDO in some women so don't beat yourself up tooo much)for my first 10 years of sexual activity. I went off the pill, then a year or two later when the body had cleaned itself out, things started to change. Did a bunch of Vipassana, wherein you sweep your awareness up and down and through your body, observing blocks and flowing areas. A) you become very very body aware (which equates to greater sensitivity, control, etc) and B) you get rid of a lot of congestion in your meridians or energy body or whatever you want to call your mind/body continuum (remember, we now know that the body contains the subconcious mind; read the Molecules of Emotion, etc for the science if you're not into metaphysics). BTW, This is all a lovely side effect of the primary purpose of Vipassana: peace. They have a saying: meditation good for sex, sex not good for meditation. Anyway...one step at a time.
Awhile after that, I started experiencing all kinda goooooood stuff I never knew existed. So I advise you to just keep on keeping on, happily. Get a few books too, like Tantric orgasm for women, Cultivating female sexuality, and secrets of the White Tigress if you want to really get into it. It's all there in you honey, just enjoy the journey and forget about the orgasm. it will sneak up and WHOP ya when it wants to, and you will probably hear yourself singing opera before you even realize your body is a waving sea of bliss. Enjoy! PS Vibrators are all verrrry wellll, but full body awakening starts in the heart--so what's closer to the heart? Discover the joy of breast-urbation! (that's my contribution to the sexicon) Once that area is gently, truly aroused, the rest comes naturally ;)

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