This office is not a nursery for your coked-out, alcoholic husband. Yes, you are the president of the company and have been eating the CEO’s 70-year-old, age-spotted banana for more than a decade now, but we can’t take this anymore. We have come to terms with the fact that he gets paid four times more than us to sit in his corner office betting on college football games, but when he asks us if we remember if he drove to work or not, or if we can send a “data tape” (WTF is that?!) to clients, it is a distraction to those of us working our asses off to keep this company going. The day I lost any sort of sympathy for him was when one of our elderly clients passed out at a reception, and he didn’t miss a beat as he stepped over the client (literally) to get one more Jack-and-ginger at the bar, for fear they might be closing it when the paramedics came. The lesions on his forehead from his coke habit are repulsive—and yes, we all took DARE in middle school so we know it wasn’t “just an accident.” Please take your hot-mess hubby home, give him a fifth of Jack and some of Colombia’s finest, and I’m sure he’ll be right where you left him when you come back from work. Just do this one thing for us so we can make you fuckers more money and keep our pathetic jobs until we get the fuck out. Help me help you.
—Anonymous
Do locals really believe this shit?
Waaaah! The world isn’t fair. And up to now everything was peaches and snow cones!
@1: If you’ve ever worked in corporate America, you’d really believe this shit.
this shit is real. I once worked at a company that let a retired exec keep his corner office for many years after he retired…because his wife didn’t want him loafing around at home. So he kept coming in to “work”. Even had a support staff and everything.
EAT THE RICH, or at least the 70-year-old, age-spotted banana
@3 TVDinner: Thanks for a really good argument for NOT working for Corporate America.
I think I’ve developed an allergy to bananas–yuck!
I failed DARE the first time so I took it twice.
I don’t remember the part where we learned about getting forehead lesions from snorting coke.
I don’t think you are doing it right.
This one was especially appealing for some reason
Corporate America exposed
Yes, please enlighten #8 and myself how you get forehead lesions from snorting coke? That’s a new one by me.
Btw, this corporate CEO sounds like a cool dude I’d like to party with! You’re upset cause you’ve got a job (pretty good these days) AND have entertainment at work. What exactly is this guy doing that directly hurts you? Try making friends with this guy. He’s probably got a million stories! He’s not drinking for his health! He’s obviously killed somebody or robbed a church or something. BE PROACTIVE!
@7: The Brits would be interested in your new definition of Spotted Dick.
11 ftw
Cocaine is a vasoconstrictor and can cause tissue to die, usually at the site of injection of inhalation, but can occur anywhere the tissue is deprived of oxygen. Meth will also do that. Her hubby may be a hot mess now, but soon enough he’ll just be a mess. I’ve never seen anyone who has abused drugs or alcohol long-term hold on to their looks (jobs, money, or spouses) so he probably won’t stick around for long.
95% of the coke in the US is cut with a cattle dewormer, which, when taken in large enough quantities, can lead to an auto-immune disorder that causes skin issues.
In short: your face will fall off.
@dak7e: That just just means your face won’t get worms! 😉
Where is that “what this IA needs is cocaine and malt liquor” guy? lo, He finally gets what he has been asking for all this time but misses it because he is away for Thanksgiving!
Great illustration, as usual for The Stranger.
@16: Yeah, I know! Just when I, ANON needs Arthur!
Maybe he overdosed on turkey.
I will never forget ‘age spotted banana’ ever. I love you I, ANON.
@1: “Do locals really believe this shit?”
Not all of ’em, but this one rings true.
Maybe the lesions were caused by accidents with that most eloquent of drug paraphernalia, the “coke fork”. (This was first described in an old “National Lampoon” [pre-P.J.O’R.], which same publication had this cover:
http://www.marksverylarge.com/images/741…
which illustrates an accident similar to the sort of which I were thinking.)
@8 and @10, I think they might be referring to levamisole tainted cocaine: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Wellness/fl…
there’s also studies that show intranasal impaction of crack cocaine causes necrotizing of the forhead! yummmm.
STILL no signs of the notorious Arthur Zifferelli?
Could he be the 70-year old in question with the “spotted banana”?
I’d have thought he’d be all over this week’s I, ANON.
Maybe he was freebasing in the 80’s and got burns?
Cokeheads tend to think they’re really on to something— maybe hubby thinks TI-99 version of Q-bert really is the best.
Anyone?
Sounds like your boss’s hubby is on dat krokodil, that’s some gangsta shit:
http://io9.com/5859291/krokodil-russias-…
A 70 year old coke-head? Murder by overdose shouldn’t be too hard.
Ahh yes, the “data tape.” Remember when the home computer’s entire memory was 16K? Tape storage was a necessity for that reason. In my lab back in the day, one tape could store a gene sequence, maybe two. say, 5000 letters. Nowadays, a flash drive can store GENOMES worth of data, tens of thousands of genes.
“In the 1970s and 1980s, audio Compact Cassettes were frequently used as an inexpensive data storage system for home computers. Compact cassettes were logically, as well as physically, sequential; they had to be rewound and read from the start to load data. Early cartridges were available before personal computers had affordable disk drives, and could be used as random access devices, automatically winding and positioning the tape, albeit with access times of many seconds.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnetic_ta…
This guy is pretty precisely dating the last time he did any work with computers.
Good IA!
Ahh yes, the “data tape.” Remember when the home computer’s entire memory was 16K? Tape storage was a necessity for that reason. In my lab, back in the day, one tape could store a gene sequence, maybe two. say, 5000 letters. Nowadays, a flash drive can store GENOMES worth of data, tens of thousands of genes.
“In the 1970s and 1980s, audio Compact Cassettes were frequently used as an inexpensive data storage system for home computers. Compact cassettes were logically, as well as physically, sequential; they had to be rewound and read from the start to load data. Early cartridges were available before personal computers had affordable disk drives, and could be used as random access devices, automatically winding and positioning the tape, albeit with access times of many seconds.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnetic_ta…
This guy is pretty precisely dating the last time he did any work with computers.
Good IA!
doh!
32 GET
That company can get in serious legal trouble if this guy does something dumb, like pass out in the middle of the floor and one of the employees trips over him. Workman’s comp, anyone?
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re @18: Maybe I should have said, “…maybe he overdosed on Wild Turkey?” instead.