Columns Apr 25, 2012 at 4:00 am

Your lucky day


One of the best anon's I've read....
Huh. This would be totally awesome if it didn't reek of a certain fakeness.

Also: first.

Also: something about cocaine and malt liquor, bwuhuhuhuh. beweeehehuhuh... :|
my ego can whoop your ego's ass
The Blind Side Syndrome - Angry white people with guns looking hard for a reason to use them on uppity minorities.
Oh, I do wish anon had served up a can of whup-ass to this jerk. Yeah yeah, he did the right thing, but these douchebags go through life menacing all of us. Just once I'd like to know one of them has suffered mightily for it.
This is the best thing ever.
You should have notified the staff that this guy had exposed himself to you in the tampon isle.

He would have been taken out of there in handcuffs.
Reads like the opening scene from an action screenplay typed one-handed by 5280.
"aged-out Zimmerman clone"

So he was hispanic?
Sooooooo fake. He almost had it until the army of secret liberal black ninjas he could summon one bat-signal away.

Whupass or not, I wish he'd gotten the cops involved anyway. If this is real, then the guy's just going to look for another uppity minority to shoot.
this was awesome.
Meh. Should have fucked him up.
Thanks for your restraint-nothing worse than having to wipe blood off the family size Charmin.
I'll never understand why I can get kicked/banned from a store for taking photographs (outside as well as inside) but this jerk can carry a concealed lethal killing weapon (a gun) inside?

Maybe if the employees knew about the gun the guy would be kicked out. But I don't know the costco policies on this matter.
Hard-as-nails mma fighter with a checkered past and a heart of gold has to break from his old lifestyle and inner demons when faced with racist white guy.

A fictional tale told by a somewhat crafty NRA supporter and troll.
File under impotent revenge fantasies or total bullshit, either works for me.

Hey all you POC in Seattle terrorized by the white menace. There is nothing we can do about all those terrible female bullies you might bump into on the sidewalk at night here. I suggest you re-discover your roots and move back to your country of origin where they will surely treat you with all the respect you deserve. Until then grow up and stop being total fucking crybabies.
I don't know what's sadder, the overblown fantasy ("sinewy?") or the credulity of so many commenters.

Needs more sinew.
wait, is anon saying that he "could have" called an armed gang/militia to show up? are you seriously threatening to call a hit squad on someone?
Plausibility aside, people need to learn that you just don't fuck with strangers unless you really have no other option. I used to do a fair bit of martial arts and have seen more street violence than anyone should. The lesson you learn is that you never know who you're really dealing with or how close their friends are. The kid with glasses? Fourth degree blackbelt with anger issues who enjoys inflicting pain. Skinny guy? Hopped up and really quick with a knife. Fat slob? That dude already shot two people.
I clearly remember seeing two metalheads get swarmed by two dozen tough guys for picking on the fat kid. They didn't realize that the fat kid was the adorable mascot for a pretty heavy crew. Those two guys wound up bruised on every inch from head to belt.
Lesson: Don't go looking for trouble no matter how tough or prepared you think you are.

This guy is so brave about his feelings he posts a whole essay can only imagine what his general internet posts are like!
@22 Wow. Thanks. That's just sort of original wisdom one usually has to devine from carefully dissecting the subtext from the complex plots of a "Happy Days" or "Andy Griffith Show" episode. It's great you could clarify it so succinctly.
@21, I assume he means his former colleagues in Seal Team Six, arrayed outside Costco led by Channing Tatum in a tank top.
Would you like to be Mayor?
@10 do you mean Phoenix and friends?
@10: Whose cock did you have to suck to get that "awesome person" label on your account? I have yet to see you live up to it.
Maye that guy was just trying to recruit a new member to Fight Club. Anyone think of that?
Agree 100% with #18: "Hard-as-nails mma fighter with a checkered past and a heart of gold has to break from his old lifestyle and inner demons when faced with racist white guy.

A fictional tale told by a somewhat crafty NRA supporter and troll." Seriously, people will believe ANYTHING.
This is exactly why I don't go to Costco.

I don't care if it is fake. A+++ would read again.

I know too many gun owners who think they'll be Charles Bronson if/when shit goes down. They have no idea how fast things move. I'll take a knife or club over someone who has to draw a handgun from their pocket if I'm within 20 feet...and I'm a soft-bellied 43 yr old.

BTW: if you can get a pic/vid or a few witnesses of someone even 'touching' their gun pocket in a threatening manner then call the cops. That's assault same as if they pointed it at you and at the very least you can get their conceal and carry taken away.
As someone who used to patrol for the guardian angels in the highest per captia violent city in the country at the time... You could not be more right. No degree of bad-ass will prevent you from being shot in the back, or stabbed by a dirty needle, or prevent some unhinged idiot from following you home and attacking your spouse or child. Yes, all farfetched, but i have seen or personally known all of these to happen. The most fearsome weapon known to man is stupidity and disregard for one's own personal welfare, and unless you are perpetually prepared to always top the stupidity of every moron you ever meet, no matter what the personal cost, you will eventually lose. Your odds are far, far better if you do everything possible to creatively de-fuse and de-escalate every potential conflict, no matter how appealing (or occasionally satisfying) the fantasy of slapping down these idiots may be.
Ill drink to that.

And in the future dude a cell phone recording of a screaming little fat man would give you alot of youtube hits.
That read like something from a Dean Koontz novel.
I'm going to start chararcterizing myself as sinewy. I'm moderately sinewy.

I'm going to have to go in and get submerged in one of those tanks so I can determine exactly what my whoopass mass index is.


Siiiin yooooo e. yep.
Hey, a well-written I, Anonymous!
Guys, settle down. This is not fake. I wrote this. Heavy handed or not on the verbage. It is all true. We are not ninjas like the guy up top wrote. Just citizens disturbed by our lack of protection from "the authorities". I am not a pro fighter just someone with a mild criminal past and a ton of street fights under my belt. After I had my first brain surgery at 30 I decided that no matter what my capabilities physically are I will not put myself in harms way through physical combat. I turned to mma as a positive outlet for my aggression and unresolved life dramas. Unlike most "trolls" I have taken steps to resolve my issues. I/we are very real. We are not fake superheros, we don't ride around clinching our "piece" and just so you know we are not all minorities. Sometimes rightly or wrongly there is a bias towards minorities from law enforcement even in a great city like Seattle. I thank the people at the Stranger for this, becuase seeing this in print has been therapuetic for me. We are a community this is our city, and social responsibility mandates that we look out for one another otherwise we tend towards sociopathic behavior. That is all. The RIGHT to bear arms is not just for gun nuts and crazies. It was written for the protection of the average citizen. Regardless of race, creed, or political leaning. Also, any mention of race was solely for context. Just had to get this off my chest as well. Thank you to everyone who has read this, and commented it reinforces my belief that despite this creep we live in the best place on the planet.
@33: Fair enough, though at times it does make it seem that you're trolling.
What a fabulous piece of fiction.
@39 - Thank you. And thank you for the restraint you showed in Costco - hopefully the employees there made a note of the gentleman in question and he won't be allowed back in, or at least, he'll be closely monitored if he DOES return to that store.

I don't get why so many commenters think your story is fiction - it never occurred to me that this was anything but 100% real. Guess what, folks? There truly ARE some fucked-up people here in our lovely Seattle - and believe it or not, the majority of them DON'T post on The Stranger website.
this guy, this poster, this neverreadkoontzlol is crazy. who knows if fat white dude had a gun or not? either way you seem ucking nuts. i'd never eff with you or your crew of ninjas. crazy scary. i'd like to commend and thank you for keeping it together and under control. remember... stay calm and protect your neck!
"secret liberal black ninjas ... one bat-signal away"

LOL. And good on OP for not lowering himself to the fat guy's level.
Faaaaaaaaaake. Fake. So fake.
Not too late to inform Costco security. The police may not stop this from happening again but the threat of a small army of lawyers willing to wring Costco's financial neck for lax security might.

Also, fake. NRA agent provocateur??
This is all fantasy. Everyone involved is so obviously just a sterotypical character.

Sounds more like a dude who wants to fantasize about kicking George Zimmerman's ass.
I don't know why everyone thinks this is fake. Perhaps the writing style is a bit over the top. But this was really told, and I really enjoyed reading it.

I also know, through a former job, one of these fat white guys that carries a concealed weapon in his fanny pack. As I got to know him I also found out that he hates black people and most minorities and he was almost always looking for a fight.

I can completely imagine this dude pulling some shit like this. It would not surprise me _at all_. For those of you who think this is fake, you're living in a bubble.

I love the positive, healthy and open attitude of the author. It restores my faith in our great city.
For the young people: Charles Bronson was an actor famous for playing cowboys and a vigilante over several decades.

Bernard Goetz was an everyman forced to defend himself against a gang of young black men that surrounded him in 1980s NYC subway car.

Neither of whom are particularly useful examples for the intent of the author in this oh so fake letter.
Not fake. Thank you to Eric the cashier who witnessed the event on the floor while on break, vouched for my series of events and accompanied my son and I around the store while I attempted to keep shopping. All voluntary and while supposed to be on break. Unfortunately I was shaking, and mildly nauseous from the adrenaline dump (Those who have experienced true fight or flight know), and Bill the astute front end manager who was on top of things from the membership desk. Costco has awesome employees who stepped to the plate for me. My son loves weekends and "pizza, pizza, hotdog, pop" more than anything and their actions preserved that for him. Also just because I identify as African American, with a rough past doesn't make me a stereotype does it? It makes me a common statistic. Again race is not the issue. There are many people of all races like me. My reality is constructed from choices I made. Sorry the veil got pierced for some people, but Seattle is not insulated from crazy. I cant afford a therapist, so this was my forum. As to why i didn't call the cops...I guess I just grew up different. Right or wrong. Most situations dealing with the SPD have not ended in my favor. They have tough jobs and sorting out the "truth" is not easy, I do not envy them. But bad incidents aside I appreciate their efforts. I just learned that I have to protect myself by any means necessary. Even if that means walking away from a fight that is winnable and desperately deserved. Even the doubters wont stop me from sharing my experiences with my fellow residents. Skeptics will always question. But I have done my part. I have tried to increase awareness.
Imagine if I had disclosed that the guy was wearing BluBlocker (really!?) shades inside costco! I can't make this shit up!
This is why angry old white men carry guns…

But black on white violence isn't as newsworthy is it?
@28 clearly you didn't buy anything from strangercrombie
I would like you to beat me up, please.
Imagine the stereotype I would have been had I written this in "ebonics". this has nothing to do with a white/black thing. What a joke. Sorry I will write in an uneducated, completely nondescript manner next time. Or next time I wont write at all. All the cows can sit on their couches regurgitating cud in their mouths while they stare aimlessly waiting for their next KOMO news fix. Unwarranted violence against anyone is horrible. @54 regardless of race. Gun violence is especially reprehensible because it can be so immediate and casual. It is so much more comfortable for the Trolls to peg me as "fake" or "racist". Also, ninjas don't carry guns and usually act alone. My friends carry guns and are fiercely loyal. We are lucky to have one another. Thanks again Stranger and Costco staffs respectively. I got, work, wife, and babies. On with life. Best wishes to you all
fiction or not, it was a great read and worthy post to I, Anon. Believe it or not, people just like all parties mentioned in this piece do exist throughout Seattle, and the rest of the country.

Being a member of the 'run and hide' camp (like me) doesn't preclude the existence of Joe Pesci-like sweaty-little-bastards-with-guns, or MMA-trained bad asses keeping their cool. Just glad I wasn't there.
and for those who do think this is fake, and decide to ignore it -- it's only a matter of time until some nutballs mossback with mommy-issues chases you around the city, either on foot or in his jalopy hoarder palace on wheels. Puget Sound breeds stalkers like no other part of the country.
This week's I, ANON deserves a Pulitzer!
I agree with @12.
Seattle sucks these days
Won't someone please make up a handle account and chime in claiming to be the real author of this thing, and challenge the other to a battle of convincing backstory details? C'mon, this is the internet!
Poop dog. That's all I have to say. Poop dog.
Um, if some dude with a concealed weapons permit and gun is threatening you and pushing for a confrontation, do not walk away, do not look for store employees, call the muthafucking police!!!

As a concealed weapons permit holder myself that isn't a 'tard, I, and other citizens know that the best gunfight is the one you don't get into.

If someone is truly walking about with a CCW and CPL trying to be the douchebag version of Dirty Harry, the authorities need to be brought in to investigate possible brandishing and assault. At the very least, the author should have pointed out that someone had a gun and was threatening him.

Dunnow. When I carry (which is frequently) I go out of the way to be extra polite and avoid confrontation. Not interested in spending my life savings and years of my life on a court case over a shooting that started with a shoulder bump or something.

"When I carry (which is frequently) I go out of the way to be extra polite and avoid confrontation. Not interested in spending my life savings and years of my life on a court case over a shooting that started with a shoulder bump or something."

Amen to that.

Killing someone is just about the last thing I would want to do. Comes a close second to dying.

Also good on OP, as someone from a different race yet similar background, I know the feeling. You walk away from some baldo pudge belly because you don't want to end up killing him.
Uh... fake...? My black friends never complain about being followed around Costco with a gun... WTF? How convient that this articulate, MMA-trained, "liberal" black father used to be a gangster, and still has a bunch of henchmen hanging around ready to kill people? Seriously... WTF?
@52 Increase awareness of what? Racist men with guns cutting black men in line at Costco? What kind of "mild criminal past" leaves people with a "squad of highly trained, armed young men and women" ready to shoot people at your command? How does a black mild criminal afford brain surgery?

One more question, WHAT happened to the fat white man? Why didn't he shoot you in the parking lot? I don't think there was any Costco staff in the parking lot to protect you then. I don't think you will answer any of my questions either.
Great I, Anon. Very well-written and exciting, and I love when the writer comes back to respond to comments. If only this column could be so good every week.
@68...I said he was unbalanced and an asshole, maybe even crazy how the Fuck should I know? But no one short of a someone completely detached from sanity would shoot someone in the 4th avenue Costco parking lot on a busy day in front of hundreds of witnesses. Further the details I have shared should be sufficient for a picture of the events. @68 that is why this is called I Anonymous, if I really wanted you to know me I would use my name as my "handle". The specifics of my home life, my name, my kids ages, my finances are really none of your business. What is your business is that even in a mild mannered somewhat passive aggressive city like this there are people on the verge of violence. That is the awareness I was bringing. My friends are not killers, or ninjas, or any of that bullshit. We are people who take our constitutional rights and safety seriously. We, my friends and I, are equals not a henchmen among us. I am not any kind of black belt, just a strong man with some training and some really heavy hands. My friends and I train so that we can maintain a skill set and share knowledge about our rights what is wrong with that? The reality is that neither I, nor this true account fit neatly into any box. This situation was uncomfortable and the reality that someone like me could exist as different people in different phases of life should not be that unbelievable. People change, I have changed. Obviously my past criminal behavior was not egregious enough to prohibit my ability to acquire a concealed weapons permit. It would be so much easier for me toallow you to make me a stereotype. For submitting this, I have been labeled a fake, a liar, a borderline racist, a fiction writer etc...We take from any written work what we perceive based on our personal experiences, and empathy level. The idea of an educated, American-African (no typo were all Americans first!), who has a criminal past and suffered through unfortunate circumstance and perservered is so very foreign that it requires a suspension of reality to believe? The fact that living through a life altering event (medical, twice) could give me a higher level of patience and new perspective is not novel, or even uncommon. Finally, the awareness that I wanted to bring is that we have rights under our constitution, if you are educated and trained utilize them safely. Further, because you have said right, does not mean its improper use is justified. Also, for the unaware, there are people on the verge of losing control and they might not be the faces or "stereotypes" you expect. Maybe by writing this I touched one person like myself, and encouraged patience. Some answers. Maybe not all you would like @68, but more than most give and definitely more than anyone outside my circle of family and friends are ENTITLED TO!
I never said living through a medical event was not a believable story. I just don't believe a petty criminal would be able to pay for brain surgery. That stuff is expensive. I'm not trying to get you to divulge all of the secrets of your family and financial life, I was expecting an answer along the lines of "health insurance" or something. Just as I predicted you answered none of my questions. The only part of your story I believe is your love for the NRA.
Isn't the evil white guy angle getting a little old...even for the most lefty of lefties?
Some nut followed me home after harassing me on the road a month or two ago and wouldn't explain why he was upset when he threatened to hurt me. I managed to deescalate the situation by asking him whether he'd like to deal with an assault and battery charge, but there are times when I wonder what would've happened if I owned a shotgun to casually present as I left my car and stepped onto my property.
This is fiction.

I don't think the author is lying...

It's more like performance art.
Is it just me or does the kid seem like an asshole, too? I mean he's 3 and should barely have any awareness of what's going on and he's yelling at some guy to shut up?

He's going to be a real prize when he grows up, for sure.

Dude cuts line, or at least another dude thinks he does.
Other dude says something, probably along the lines of "hey, asshole why you cutting in line?"
Dude says stfu, other dude backs down immediately.
As dude's walking away, other dude says something prickish and it's go time.
Dude tell other dude it's time to throw down.
Other dude pisses pants, backs down again and later tells story about how he coulda, how he mighta, how he really, really shoulda. Oh, but the dude had a gun. I'm trained to pick up on that kind of stuff.
Get your ass to the back of the line buddy.
Not only is this a lie, it's a racist lie.
What's worse than Costco? The internet.
Even in "liberal" Seattle, there is still a lot of institutionalized racism. I feel that the majority of the commenters here may think that they aren't racist, but they clearly are via their comments. If the roles of this story were reversed, and the hero of this story was a white man with his child, and the evil line cutter was a black man with a gun, then the comments would have been a lot different. Before we start pointing fingers and commenting on an incident we were not involved in, let's think how we would react if we were confronted. I think most "sloggers" here would pull some NW passive aggressive stance, make some dumb comment, and leave it at that. The OP told us what he did. He was with his kid. Should he have fought someone for cutting in line? Should he have fought someone for yelling at him and ridiculing his child to the point that the child was crying? Should that have been the expected response from a black man, or just the preconceived response of a black man? It seems like OP handled this as politely and respectably as possible even though the antagonist continued to taunt him in the store. In several responses there was a question of "why not call the Police?" and OP tried to expound on that, but alas, privileged eyes see things differently. White folks have the privilege of knowing that there is the SPD or anyPD to help them. The same is not always true for black folks. The police treat blacks and Latinos a lot different than they treat whites. Because of this, there is still a lot of mistrust in the black community towards the police. In closing, 37 states have concealed weapons laws including Washington. If you have a concealed weapons permit, you can take it with you (even to Costco). All kinds of people get guns for different reasons, not all of them good.
Gee, if someone was messing with me with a gun in their picket, i would probably leave the store and come back later. Especially if i had my kid with me. And maybe he should have just let the guy cut in line. I mean, if someone really wants to be an asshole, why mess with them. Wait an extra two minutes.
I hate people who think they can do anything they want for some fucked-up reason like having a gun in their pocket.

Truth or fiction, this was a very well-written I-Anon and one of the most entertaining I can remember in the series. It got plenty of great comments also.
Truth can often be stranger than fiction, even in the Stranger.

Having said that, it's quite possible this could have occurred, and it would be great if one of the Costco employees or others who witnessed this would chime in to corroborate.

And there certainly are some people who are boiling under the surface, primed for that moment to act out the movie "Falling Down." Or just angry and don't really want to NOT take it out on someone else. Even in Seattle.

Sign of the times.
This is a very good I, Anon!
I know exactly how you feel, anon. After my customary breakfast of roofing nails and razor wire, I like to bench press my fully loaded hummer before I get to work beating the shit out of Chuck Norris. One morning, after my workout, I walked out to the driveway to begin the morning commute to Norris's secret underground dojo. The neighborhood drug kingpin's unhappy former supermodel wife was outside gardening through her bitter tears when my vintage silk shirt succumbed to the awesomeness of my six pack abs..buttons flew everywhere, and the National Weather Service recorded a 10.0 tremor on the Sexy scale. Naturally, the unhappy lady couldn't control herself, and, being a humanitarian, I gave her the proven cure for nymphomania- 4 hours of cosmic tantric bliss hosted by my ten inch penis. Her husband came home early, and followed her cries of ecstasy to my bedroom. He pulled out his M32 Grenade Launcher and screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I held up my hands and said, "Hey, punk, not in front of the lady." But he fired anyway, so I had no choice but to roundhouse kick him and his discharging weapon into orbit. I'm a man of peace, so I regret that there was no other way. If you'll excuse me, I have to go rescue some orphans from a glue factory.
We are not ninjas like the guy up top wrote. Just citizens disturbed by our lack of protection from "the authorities"

In case this whole story isn't fake, which I think is a 50/50 chance:

What, you expect there to be a cop inside of every Costco? Are you prepared for the enormous tax increase that this would entail?

And thank God you weren't carrying a gun that day. It's bad enough that he was, but I don't want to be in the line of fire between two unhinged whack jobs who decide to draw a line in the sand over who gets to the cash register first.

Please, Anon, stay home. And tell your son that if anyone should've "shut up" that day, he was #1 on the list, because he could have gotten himself and you killed.

That's why I shop with the rest of the peace-loving hippies at Central Co-op. Where people are looking for food for their families and a chance to bump into their neighbors for a little friendly chit chat, instead of looking to clamor for the cheapest shit you can find, amongst a bunch of people you loathe and want to kill. When did as browsing the market for the next week's food, something that *should* be enjoyable and community-building, become a battle to the finish line? We are surely a doomed civilization.
@84, I'll assume you're just ignorant of things posted about in @78. Minority folks have plenty of reason not to trust the police, recent incidents in Seattle, for example, but also lots of history.

I really don't think he was talking about cops in Costco, nor did he even want cops involved...

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