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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
I'd vote for you in a nanosecond!!
Any person, in any profession that sees a specific sub-sect of the population, that sees a repeat behavior with the same outcome, will start to equate it with an "unofficial rule" , just happens. It can be hard to remember that it may not be true for people outside your specified area of expertise.
Answer: I get it that my one month on the Pill idea was a bad one, but my idea of shared responsibility for birth control and shared responsibility for pleasure still has merit. Her husband shouldn't have to a wear condom every single time they get intimate. He might wear one some times, and they use some other method others. That other method might be a barrier method like a diaphragm or non-penetrative sex. There's also that vasectomy possibility.
None of these is perfect, and I have nothing against complaining about things we don't like. But when it comes down to it, in every aspect of life, we don't get to choose between perfect and non-perfect, we get to choose between the non-perfect options that strike us as least bad.
A note about diaphragms. Their use gives many women urinary tract infections. When I was younger and used one, I didn't mind stopping so my partner could put it in. I did mind the frequent infections. I never put it together that the diaphragm was a contributing factor. I wish I'd done then what I do now which is to take a low dose of an antibiotic after sex. It means I don't have to wait until I come down with the uti symptoms, go to the doctor, and take a longer course of antibiotics.
Create a set of rules, change mind, break rules and then get pissy when you find out your parter isn't telepathic. What a little drama queen.
- I call BS on the guy who told his SO that he could feel her IUD during intercourse...I'm sorry, but even if he thinks he's john holmes, he's not getting past her cervix!. The IUD is well up in the uterus.
- That partner, understanding that condoms were really ruining it for me (and yes, I followed all of Dan's advice about re-programming my dick) to the point of having erection difficulties (loss thereof, and no, there was no underlying physiological issue), got a diaphragm. I did feel the diaphragm, and it kind of got uncomfortable banging into it. I'm not sure if she was not inserting it properly (it was like hitting a hard edge) because looking at the thing in it's case, it wasn't clear how it would feel like a hard edge. Still, hitting that was kind of a dis-incentive to penetration.
- Just as women want some empathy or consideration for the discomfort many have with hormonal BC or other forms, some recognition of just how bad condoms can be would be nice. Any of you who have experienced dental dams for oral might have a clue.
There just definitely need to be better options for men - freezing sperm and getting snipped (which does nothing for STIs) - or using condoms are both just pretty lousy.
I am really lucky to have a partner now who doesn't have issues with hormonal BC and hates condoms as much as I do, so my lucky streak is back on.
HBC tricks a woman's body into thinking it's pregnant and when a woman is pregnant she wants to be around men that share a similar genetic make up (like brothers and fathers) that would protect the baby. When a woman on HBC meets a man, she is drawn to his similar genetic make up. They fall in love, get married and then go off HBC to have children. Then she realizes she cannot stand the smell or taste of him. It's your body's way of not reproducing with a similar gene set that could lead to birth defects.
This article blew me away. I share it with everyone considering how common HBC is:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/…
http://jezebel.com/5928740/why-do-we-suc…
Then I found out that not all condoms are created equal, and through experimentation found some that work for me. The condoms I use now, and have been using successfully for over a year, are called Trojan Bareskin, and they are awesome. The latex is very thin so they feel practically like there is nothing there, yet they are strong - I've never had one break.
Get your husband some of these along with a high-quality lube (we like KY's Ultragel) and give it a try. Some other suggestions:
- Warm him up for a while with your hands and/or mouth before putting the condom on.
- Make sure to have some lube on the inside of the condom, but not too much.
- Don't start intercourse *immediately* after the condom is on. Give him some time to get used to it and to warm up (condoms are colder than dicks). Masturbate him for a minute or two after the condom is on before starting intercourse (with lube!). We have incorporated this into our foreplay, so my girlfriend does this for me while I play with her clit, so it works for both of us at the same time.
One last thought - I used to have performance anxiety associated with condoms, which created a self-reinforcing cycle. Something like "I know that I have a hard time coming with a condom on, so next time I have one on, I can't come, repeat". Once I discovered the Trojan Bareskin condoms, one thing that helped me break the psychological barrier was masturbating a few times with the condom (remember the lube on the inside!). Once I proved to myself that my dick worked with a condom on without the pressure of a partner present, I was able to use them during intercourse without a problem.
About changing her mind. It's ridiculous to say she was wrong for changing her mind. "Love at First Sight" is mostly a myth. Deep feelings need time to develop. You can NOT know right away if you are going to develop those sorts of feelings. When I was single there were plenty of relationships that developed slowly. Usually I wasn't sleeping with the guy until feelings developed, but when you have an ongoing sexual relationship simply declaring you want something casual in the beginning doesn't guarantee that one or both people won't have a change of heart. And there's nothing wrong with that as long as you are honest! All this talk about her change of mind being a deliberate plot to mess with his head just sounds really paranoid. Did none of you ever develop feelings over time for someone you initially weren't all that into?
The first place where the letter writer went wrong is in not declaring what she felt as soon as she realized it, but it's common for fear of rejection to get in the way.
And the guy didn't do anything wrong in not mentioning the other girl because in a casual relationship, it wasn't really her business unless it was going to be the last time. If it was intended as the last time, it probably would have been better to warn her but I'm not sure we know that was what he intended.
It was perfectly understandable, given her change in feelings, for her to be disappointed that he found someone else...she just handled it all wrong. And one bad reaction does not make someone a "bitch" unless the person resorts to physical violence. So unless she slapped him, she just had an initial bad reaction that she later regretted. I'm sure the guy did not suffer irreparable harm by being told to leave one time. People are allowed to make mistakes, and there's no harm in her apologizing and explaining herself. If this guy is a reasonable person (and it sounds like he might be), then he'll probably be understanding about it regardless of who he chooses to date.
First of all the whole "tricks into thinking pregnant" thing is a 7th grade simplification of what the birth control pill actually does.
And even if this super suspect theory was accurate, it would only be a problem for the months between going off the pill and GETTING PREGNANT. Use some logic. If this made any sense women would hate their partners and lose all attraction when they get pregnant (because then their smell attraction would switch).
Evo psych is beyond ludicrous sometimes.
Haha, wow, interesting.
I've always felt like it was pretty standard practice to have that conversation after sex (assuming this is a situation where you're having sex with the person quickly after meeting).
I doubt he'll do it, because apparently he's the kind of selfish jackass who only cares about himself. Still, I'd make the suggestion. Then I'd tell him that whatever he chose, I wasn't taking the pill anymore, period, and if he didn't like it he didn't have to have sex with me.
I doubt he'll do it, because apparently he's the kind of selfish jackass who only cares about himself. Still, I'd make the suggestion. Then I'd tell him that whatever he chose, I wasn't taking the pill anymore, period, and if he didn't like it he didn't have to have sex with me.
Then I'd start looking for a man who took my sexual pleasure as seriously as his own.
However the moment he mentioned another girl to her, she handled it very poorly. I thought that -- specifically, not letting him talk, and kicking him out -- was a) a rude way to treat him, and b) a case of dish-it-out-but-can't-take-it.
I agree that one bitchy incident does not a bitch make, but one can still acknowledge that one was being a bitch in that moment. I further suggest that one _should_ do that. It will be better received than an explanation that is all about explaining and justifying what was going through one's own head, and not about apologizing. If you don't demonstrate an understanding of how your behavior was hurtful to the other person, they have every reason to think that you are going to behave the exact same way the next time a similar situation comes up.
According to the study results (which are based on what T-shirt smells you like, not actual actions like, you know, the DIVORCE featured so prominently in the subtitle) then all women should be attracted to men with markers of different immune systems up until they get pregnant by those men, at which point they stop being attracted to them and start only wanting to be near their fathers and brothers and cousins. If we all lived in matrilineal tribes this might make sense, but that is not how humans, even remote tribes, tend to organize themselves. There is... dun Dun DUN!... more to it. Like all those other species whose young require a long investment, we tend to pair bond and keep that dad guy with the funny immune system smells around.
One thing that stood out in flaming yard-high letters was the missing follow-up study, which would--this is obvious, right?--involve women who were actually pregnant, and see if they now rejected their husband's T-shirts in favor of their brothers'. I am dead certain I am not the only woman in this thread who went off HBC to have children and did not wind up divorcing my husband.
I am completely with Mydriasis on evo psych and it's just so stories.
1) I used a diaphragm for years. I put it in dry, and put a filled spermicide applicator on the nightstand. At the crucial moment it was a matter of half-a-second to use it, but up till then, no taste of spermicide. Too, a dry diaphragm is easier to handle.
2) Do they still make lambskin condoms? WAY more sensitive than latex. Not as viable for disease prevention, but that's not supposed to be an issue here.
I think it's somewhat context dependent. If you take someone home from a party you're probably not assuming they're going to be your soulmate. They might be but making any assumptions about that person's seriousness seems a bit entitled to me.
The other thing is, the LW said the guy told HER right after sex that he was looking for a relationship which seems pretty clingy in my books. But that's me, I tend to not get all 'intimate and vulnerable' just because I had sex with someone.
My point is, if you're in a hookup-type situation, I figure the default assumption is "this is casual" unless someone says otherwise or they develop otherwise. If he felt like bringing it up when he was all intimate and vulnerable then it's not really her fault for being honest.
And I am sorry the mote in my eye is bothering you so much. I would assume the beam in your own would be of greater concern to you, however.
More seriously, your posts today reminded me to avoid mimicking except in obvious jest the near universal debate techniques of ad hominem ("If you do not agree, you have issues!") or apologizing for what the claimed faults of people with opposing views ("I am sorry you are a slobbering fool..."). All of us can slip into those traps.
It makes us look bad when we do.
@221/227 Yes! as the article says: "No one has yet collected data to indicate whether the pill has created a large-scale problem in compatibility."
I don't think "I'm looking for a relationship" is the same as "I wuv youw"...and I think it's perfectly reasonable to assume that you're not pressuring or rushing things with someone who just willingly had sex with you by talking to them about desired relationship status.
Maybe now I know why barrier methods are so important to you! ....Or maybe I am just an old fogey.
Wait, is there really an antibiotic that works that way? I've always been told that stopping antibiotics before you finish the complete prescription is a GREAT way to create drug-resistant bacteria. What antibiotic can be just taken here and there, no worries? And doesn't it mess up your gut flora?
Oh, and of course for someone who IS on the pill this would be terrible advice, as antibiotics can make the pill ineffective.
Nitrofurantoin or Macrodantin. (I'm not sure of the spellings, but you have enough to google.) I take one pill within 24 hours of intercourse for the suppression of urinary tract infections. Those are the instructions on the prescription bottle, and I take it as prescribed. I'm not on birth control pills, and a doctor would take that into account when prescribing.
Really? Because you've just named two good reasons - this woman may already have painful or heavy periods that risking making worse with an IUD isn't an option. Other medical reasons have been mentioned upthread. IUDs are great for some women, but they are unsuitable for others. Her doctor isn't necessarily not-woman-friendly, just more aware of her medical history than random internet commenters.
I wasn't working under that assumption.
She waited until after they had sex to let him know she was not interested in a serious relationship.
Actually they both did. Why is it her responsibility?
If the tables were turned and a man did that with a woman I have a feeling many more people would be crying "foul!"
Not me.
If the situation was a hot-sweaty-one-night-only-I-just-met-you-and-can't-wait-to-fuck-you event of course there would be no need for that type of conversation beforehand. In general, especially if multiple meet-ups are involved, I think it's smart to find out where both parties stand before body fluids are exchanged and too many feelings can get hurt.
To be honest I think this is the responsibility of any person who worries that his or her feelings might get hurt. I have (at times) gone out of my way to point out "look, this is just fun" but not always beforehand. I assume if someone is the type of person who will be hurt by that shouldn't having sex without checking first.
Now onto Finch
you know, maybe it's just me and all, but seriously: I generally tell someone before we get to the having sex stage whether or not I want a relationship or just something casual.
That's your right and if it makes sense for you, go for it. But that's not the same as insisting that everyone must do it or else they're mean and wrong.
If telling someone what you're looking for after sex is clingy, then what the hell is telling someone before?
My comment was actually about saying it RIGHT after having sex. It's a little unnerving. As if to say "okay now that we've had sex, we need to talk about the future"
I don't think "I'm looking for a relationship" is the same as "I wuv youw"...and I think it's perfectly reasonable to assume that you're not pressuring or rushing things with someone who just willingly had sex with you by talking to them about desired relationship status.
Again, it's about the timing.
Maybe now I know why barrier methods are so important to you! ....Or maybe I am just an old fogey.
Are you enough of an old fogey to not know what "slut shaming" means?
Also being too dense and defensive of the pop pseudoscience he loves so much to even come close to grasping the point that we both made (which, to simplify is not that the findings were wrong, but that the expected behaviours and the suggestion that being off the pill would be better is wrong).
Oh by the way, I just wanted to bring up (and laugh again) at your suggestion that not believing in evo-psych* means not understanding evolution or psych (two fields I have studied a reasonable amount of - and no, reading psychology today does not count as studying psychology, hunter). Especially when any prof I ever had who taught a evolution-informed field (molecular biology, ecology, physiology, neuro, etc) either ignored or laughed at what you call evo psych and the same is true of all my psych profs. Oh well, go on, pretend science is on your side. I'll sit here with my handy bingo card.
http://www.boingboing.net/2010/04/07/evo…
*Or to be clearer, some halfwit sensationalist science writer's interpretation of an evo psych paper.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/God_of_the_gaps
Or if you prefer... http://bladeordie.com/wp-content/uploads…
Some women even more prone to infections than I take it daily. I only take it after intercourse. I was infection free for many years after switching from a diaphragm to condoms. Then, with peri-menopause, I started getting infections again. The explanation given was that vaginal walls thin with normal aging thus creating the right environment for bacteria to enter the urinary tract and travel up to the bladder. Drinking blueberry juice, cranberry juice, and tons of water was the first line of defence, but when that stopped working, the antibiotic was the second.
What the PT article is concluding from the details of this study is way out in Just So field, ignoring the most obvious follow up studies one would expect, or regular human interaction (women do not leave their husbands and return to their brothers as soon as they become pregnant) or the fact--tons of women could have told them this--that being on the pill and being pregnant are not hormonally indistinguishable states. (In only one do you cry at commercials.)
1. On the woman with the degrading cross-dressing fantasy: Any man who is not man enough to dress up in ANY way that turns on her woman is not a man. I would stop at eating shit but even licking a clean butthole or going down after a big cream pie is not to much to ask. Sex is dirty and filthy- but only if done right. However I wonder if this is really a turn on for her or if she just gets her kicks out of embarassing and laughing at her men. It is her call.
2. On the far far to long suffering pill taker: Three Words- I U D. There are a bunch of types and I would get a second opinon. Maybe your shape makes it tough to insert (or whatever) but your long, patient history justifies another look at this option. It is very sweet how you care so much about your husband. Condoms absolutely feel different for men and so many women take a 'so what it doesn't bother me' attitude about this issue.
3. On the 2 stiffies in one condom being safe? Unless the dicks are real small or they have a special double dick condom I would say this is not covered by the manufacturers warranty. Safe is a relative term- stuffing 2 dicks up your Ass, for example is not exactly easy living.
4. On the easy woman who can't make up her mind: He thought he had a FOB relationship and as a friend you would be happy that he may have found 'the one.' Yes you overreacted. Yes, I would contact him again and lay it on the line. Yes I know- telling a man what you actually want is not genetically programed into women but you can do it. He will probably want to pursue the other woman so be gracious and most of all BE A FRIEND and if you are patient and very casual (I would not contact him more than once each 90 days or so by phone and 30 days by e-mail/text) and chances are you will get him on the rebound at his most vulnerable. Good luck and happy hunting!
"When we first had sex, I told him I wanted to keep it casual. (Which means, of course, that I wanted to be able to keep fucking other people.) He seemed to accept that well enough. But then one day we had sex, and RIGHT AFTERWARDS he mentioned this other girl. I would have been cool with that...but god, his TIMING was just so atrocious, I dumped him on the spot."
Yeah, right. The timing was the problem. Not the other girl, the timing. Sure it was.
If awkward timing honestly is a dumpable offense, in that case I don't believe you actually had developed feelings for him. That's basically saying, what you were about to discuss was okay in my book, but you did it with such lame _style_.... Serious cognitive dissonance there.
Sorry, not buying it. What happened is that he developed feelings for you in the run-up to the first sexual encounter (and yes, he had the bad grace to open up to you about them in the afterglow; some people around here would call that being clingy) but you told him no, you wanted to keep fucking other people, which he apparently accepted reasonably graciously. Then in the ensuing month, you developed feelings for him, but when it was his turn to mention another girl, you freaked so hard you wouldn't even let him explain what he was thinking, and tossed him out on his ear.
Now you are admitting that you want him back, which is to say, you are admitting to yourself that you overreacted, because the only way you would want him back is if it wasn't actually a dumpable offense. So if you really want him back, it's time to eat a little crow regarding your tantrum.
#99 and 98 yep- it is not so much the condom issue becoming "the barrier" they are putting up between them and this leading to the divorce- but rather the woman deciding she doesn't care about her husband any more and that SHE IS GOING TO WIN the power struggle all the feminists are talking about here. Condom use is a big issue with the femenists because it is ALL about power. Men hate them. If the woman cares about her man she will try to accomadate. If not, she will parrot the feminist drivel we have seen written on the this blog. Flame on!
"If the woman cares about her man she will try to accomadate."
If the man cares about his woman, wouldn't he try to accommodate her and to search for a birth control solution WITH her, instead of leaving her to battle weight gain, period pains and depression on her own?
All TOP's husband seems to do is to say "No condoms." That's not constructive, neither is it caring.
I think you're unduly harsh and judgemental of other people to suggest they're clingy by bringing up the topic of desired relationship status in the post-orgasmic bliss. While I take your point about timing - and I'd say tone of delivery counts as much - I have a very difficult time - outside of say, a play-party (where in my experience expectations are very clear by the very nature of the setting) - imagining a scenario in which that's inappropriate or creepy.
I don't think there's anything wrong with getting your freak on whenever you feel like it - with whomever you like (consenting adult) - I certainly don't think you have to have a "relationship" (romantic commitment) with them, or really, even like them or want to have a conversation with them.
However, if you feel ('clingy' is your word) uncomfortable when someone you've just screwed talks to you about wanting more or clarifying the relationship status, then I think you may be the person who is having an issue with sport-fucking. I believe anyone who is willing to share an orgasm with someone else should be willing to share a few words of communication without accusing the other person of being emotionally clingy.
The archetype holds that it's typically women who can't separate sex and romance, and while I think that archetype is pretty bogus, what's sauce for the Gander is sauce for the Goose: if you get physically intimate with people you have to be willing to treat their feelings with respect (not accuse them of being clingy). Pointing that out is not slut-shaming you; it is shaming you to behave like a human being.
Did you ever think that he wasn't 100% sure and wanted to spend the entire evening with her before making a final decision? Bottom line is that casual is casual. It can end at any time and unlike a committed relationship either party has no right to get upset at the other person for ending it.
No way in hell I would ever give that crazy bitch the time of day again.
Um, actually I didn't say anything about what I would do or have done in that kind of situation, I talked about my feelings. You do know there's a difference between feelings and actions.
If I meet someone, hang out with them a little and we have sex and then immediately afterwards get a "where is this going" talk? I will find that to be poor timing for the reasons I've said above.
But that doesn't mean I'm not "willing to share a few words of communication without accusing the other person of being emotionally clingy". I've been in this scenario (several times actually) and though I do find it to be offputting I'm not rude and I don't call them clingy. I politely and clearly tell them where I'm coming from and that a relationship is not on the table for them.
So yeah, I am a human being and do act like one, but thanks for calling it into question.
There's a huge difference between saying "I think x behaviour is inappropriate" and saying "I think x behaviour is inappropriate and therefore I would be a bitch to anyone who does it", I really appreciate the fact that you jumped right to the second one without any evidence for it.
"if you get physically intimate with people you have to be willing to treat their feelings with respect (not accuse them of being clingy)."
Again you can't seperate actions and feelings. First of all, I do treat their feelings with respect, but that doesn't mean that when we're talking about a theoretical person doing a theoretical behaviour that I can't express my feelings about how that behaviour comes off.
" Pointing that out is not slut-shaming you; it is shaming you to behave like a human being."
I'm sorry, what was this then? "Maybe now I know why barrier methods are so important to you!"
1.) She should talk to a different OB or midwife about getting a copper, non-hormonal IUD. A lot of OBs say that IUDs aren't appropriate for women who haven't given birth, but that's not accurate.
2.) She could consider using a diaphragm + spermicide. The failure rates are a bit high for my liking, but diaphragm + spermicide + withdrawal is better.
3.) She could consider natural family planning (which isn't the same as counting the days of your cycle on your rosary). It's a bit of a pain in the ass, because it involves charting your daily temperature and cervical mucus, but at least there's an app for that now.
4.) You can support the development of Vasalgel, a seriously effective, non-hormonal, inexpensive, reversible birth control method *for men*. They've just started clinical testing in America. http://www.gizmag.com/risug-male-contrac…
A suggestion that you have ambivalence about intimacy.
I have plenty of experience with these situations too and you came off sounding like an oblivious Frat Dude to me; let's go back to the original line, shall we?
The other thing is, the LW said the guy told HER right after sex that he was looking for a relationship which seems pretty clingy in my books. But that's me, I tend to not get all 'intimate and vulnerable' just because I had sex with someone.
Sounds like you don't get too intimate at all...and that's what I was taking a dig at.
I only disagreed with you that it is not clingy behavior to tell the person you just finished having sex with that you are looking for a relationship - and let me add: the guy accepted her answer.
I've got no issues with sport-fucking - whether practiced by women or men - I find women who are in touch with their physical sexuality to be a real turn on and I give them the same respect I give my own man-slut-self.
I should have put a wink/smiley on the original reply, because I really wasn't trying to antagonize you, but I obviously did, and I can see how my comment would have - so my apologies. You my dear have an itchy trigger finger, though, so let's just drop this.
Sounds like you like to make a hell of a lot of assumptions and judgements based on very little.
I quite enjoy intimacy, and am most happy in a LTR. I'm simply selective about who I become emotionally intimate with.
Anyway, you can consider it dropped. And in the future, feel free to keep your assessments of me to yourself.
On another topic, my x-husband was the same way. He hated condoms and pretty much refused to use them and in the end I was in the same situation as you. So I will give you some advice that I wish I had at the time this first came up... very early in my marriage btw. Take a good hard look at your husband. Ask yourself where else his behaviour is similar... what kind of pre-existing expectations does he have towards you because you're his wife, or a woman or within his family structure. Is he controlling in other ways? Does he expect you to support him and his ideas at the expensive of your own... and if not, is his support real or passive-aggressive...
I'm not saying that your husband is any thing like any of these questions... but I sure wish I had taken a closer look at mine ... at the time the birth control question came up - because all the other things came clearer with time.
Good luck to you!
Condoms can make sex less pleasurable for guys. Other methods of birth control can make a woman miserable - not just during sex but all the goddamn time.
Fucking right when I insist on condoms it's a feminist thing. I don't want to live in a world where a guy's interest in getting off to his exact satisfaction trumps my right to be healthy.
This woman has obviously attempted multiple forms of birth control to accommodate the fact that he doesn't like using condoms. Asking him to accommodate her health and mental well being isn't a "power" issue. If she simply refused to consider birth control, then I could see that point.
You know nothing about my relationship so it's laughable of you to try to tell me how to conduct it.
"In an ltr you two should find alternate ways."
The operative words here are "you two". Not only the woman!
But destroying one's health is on an entire different level with getting off - like Perversecowgirl said.
If husband wants to experience the unaldulterated joy of no condom, his hand can provide, or he can get a snip.
And once again, I'm reminded that people who use "bitch" usually mean, "woman capable of expressing an opinion (often one unpleasant to men)".
As much as LITL's reaction was inappropriate, I do think it takes some sort of malice or sadism, to wait to tell someone until after sex that you're seeing someone else. Or at least some sort of cluelessness, since most people (I think) would feel like they'd just been used for one last fuck which maybe they wouldn't have agreed to if they'd known they'd already been replaced in their fuck buddy's affections. However, as Dan points out, LITL's partner might have been about to say "But I really like you, and would still want to date."
Either way, Dan's advice was spot on, and there's no reason to believe LITL needed further chastisement.
At best in this situation is she can call him and apologize, tell her feelings in a neutral manner and wish him the best. And if is not a dick of a man he will also be considerate to her and apologize perhaps that information was not exchanged from his part as well.
But really, this is what can happen and it's the risk that you take when you've in this type of "contract" with someone. Immediate communication could have been the only saving thing in this one, but how many do it actually? Happy fucking despite, folks! :)
There is NOTHING wrong with this fantasy, or any other as long as it doesn't harm anyone (without their consent). It's such a simple thing, she shouldn't feel embarrassed about it, though it's perfectly understandable why she is. The world has a habit of seeing the unusual as weird or wrong, so lots of us are afraid to admit to our fantasies. Ironically, if we admitted to them, lots of them wouldn't seem to unusual. For example, you'd be surprised how many straight men want to be fucked in the ass with a strap-on by a woman. She should accept herself and her quirks, they're perfectly allowable.
Tired Of Pills -
No one should ever dictate any decision in a relationship, contraceptive methods should be jointly decided, but when a particular method is as damaging as this to one party's health (and to the relationship by the sound of it), then that method isn't an option. Her partner needs to grow up and start thinking about the well-being of the person he supposedly loves.
he is incredibly hot and since he let out that fantasy our sex life has become explosive! I started a profile on fetlife and writing posts about our adventures with this kink and is been crazy how many straight guys have contacted me asking if would be interested in going out with them.
You should totally start looking around the internet, in places like fetlife.
i wish you a joyful ride!
The first part of what you said is pretty incoherent. I'm guessing what you meant is that I also made an argument that creationists often use (an appeal to authority) which is kind of an irrelevent point since commenting on the dominant consensus in the scientific community is not the same as 'it is because it is'.
The joke is, I comment on your (lack of) intelligence because it's relevent. It's why you fail to grasp clearly written arguments (like IPJ's, to take me out of the picture) and argue against them in a way that shows that you didn't understand the point in the first place.
You "don't back down" from arguments because, again, you lack the capacity to understand a portion of them. Protip: the fact that you're unable to adjust your opinion, even when the evidence overwhelmingly refutes it is not something you should be bragging about. But oh well.
Finally as to your opinions of me? Remember when I said that you and your opinions are beneath me? Still true!
And since we've changed from a discussion of science (where your vocal ignorance was enough to make me speak up for the sake of anyone who might read your posts and think you have a valid point) to a discussion of what you think about me - I'm done! Run along now.
I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I would venture to guess that there are probably quite a sizable number of people of all sexual orientations whose crank is turned by gender transgression. If LWAM is looking for someone who is relatively self-accepting about his interests, there are the online outlets mentioned in the comments, but there may also be social scenes locally where the odds are in her favor. It doesn't have to be as hardcore as the midnight Rocky Horror screenings - it could be the fandom of a band or theatre act. You never know - I live in a medium-sized city and I actually saw a male belly dancer perform at my neighborhood arts festival this year! And fun with dress-up certainly seems to have worked for acts like the Dresden Dolls...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kohs13Nx…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lpybi5sZB…
*I just know will not be able to get that old Blur song out of my head for days now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16KN0Odpq…
She did a shitty shitty completely immature thing.
Nobody knows what the conversation the guy was going to be had it been held by a rational woman.
It could have been something like, "Hey. So, I met this girl. I think it might be getting serious. I'm not sure. But I think I like her. I'd like to give it a little more time before committing, but I'm giving you a heads up."
Or, maybe, "So, this girl I met is getting pretty serious with me. I think I need somebody with a commitment. But, I like you more. If you can't commit then I'm going to have to break it off. Take a few days. Think about it."
Or, as LitL's apologists read into it, "So, I met this girl. I need to break it off with you."
WE DON'T KNOW!
And, the reason we don't know? LitL acted like an immature bitch and threw him out without a rational conversation. LitL wasn't even honest enough about HER feelings before sex to give the guy the heads up that such a conversation might be an emotional bomb. So it's not the fucking timing. That's a rationalization as to why she acted so crazy. "It's the hormones, Dan!"
No. Fuck you LitL. It was not the timing. It wasnt your post-sex emotions. Thats not an excuse for not acting like an empathetic human to this guy who liked you in the first place. What you did was shitty and wrong. What he did was could have been shitty - WE DON'T KNOW - but even it's worst case shittiness would have been less shitty than what you did.
Now. Once you realize you acted like a completely crazy POS, you can be appropriately apologetic to him. He has the right to accept your apology and refuse to date you. That's within the rules. Especially because you acted like a shit, he may understandably be all "uh, no thanks." But, you need to be apologetic for your bad behavior if you want to have any chance with this guy.
Tell LWAM that it's not an unusual fantasy to have. Not every guy is going to want to participate in it. However, I have had a mutual cross-dressing fantasy for about as long as I can remember.
Maybe she should get in touch with me.
:-)
You can tell LWAM that she is totally normal. In fact, I've had a mutual cross-dressing fantasy for about as long as I can remember.
It would be a lot of fun to be with a girl who enjoyed this kind of play.
a box of broken Crayolas and your toes?
Do you keep hearing Mother?
Did you build a Wall?
Might I suggest that you get Comfortably Numb and chill?
Breathe. Exhale.
Now--don't you feel better?
Hunter is just a common troll a-trolling. No parts of his messages reflect his actual viewpoints - their only meaning is to irritate, and to get an angry answer, on which he'll rebound to further irritate.
If you try to reach out to Hunter as a human being, he immediately drops out of the conversation. He's not a real person looking out for communication and understanding, like most of us - he's a very limited role played by someone, that of "this annoying poster who pushes your buttons".
As for why would that someone consistently play troll for so long ? I'd guess it's complete, utter boredom.
Pretty much. I wish I was better at ignoring that stuff but I'm pretty defensive of science. Something I hope to get better at with age.
Fertility awareness methods involve shared responsibility and intimate conversations -- a his AND hers option. As an alternative sex advice columnist, Dan, you can help widen people's contraceptive horizons beyond the pill or condom dichotomy, and I encourage you to educate people particularly about lower tech, sustainable options.
Natural methods allow us to do this really intimate act while acknowledging what it was designed to do. Natural methods are not saying sex is ONLY for procreation, but they are saying that sex is ABOUT procreation as well as the many other things you address in your column. Acknowledging the procreative function of intercourse is actually VERY sexy. And, for women, knowing when we're fertile is empowering. Checking my temperature and vaginal mucus, being in touch with the cycles of my body, acknowledging my animal nature is a turn on. O.K. Dan, it's not for everyone, call it a kink, if you want, but please put it out there as an option.
When we talk about women having a right to birth control, we are usually referring to a right to pay big pharma for artificial hormonal birth control. Women also have a right to natural birth control, but unless you and other people in influential places start putting it out there as an option, it's gonna stay submerged in our collective unconscious like it was in mine.
Do not be shy about your fetish. I am a straight guy, pretty good catch if I do say so myself, and if I sensed a woman would get very aroused about something like wearing lingerie I would definitely do it for her. Showing a lot of interest towards it will help you.
A similar example, my straight friend was at a party this weekend that had Glamour Shots and he dressed up as you describe, with a dress over it, and he and his lady found the whole thing awesome and hilarious. I wouldn't be surprised if that dress came off in private and they had more fun. Best of luck to you!
As a guy who uses condoms but would rather not, the only times I've felt resentful about it is when it seemed to fit into a larger pattern of disregard for my perspective on sex.
With a partner who is a generous, caring, and creative lover, wearing a condom is a minor but necessary inconvenience. When your partner tends to be emotionally/sexually unavailable, the condom requirement can feel like yet another form of neglect. If, on top of that, she completely invalidates how condoms impact your experience of sex, then the relationship is completely dysfunctional in my opinion.
So, in answer to your question, yes, validation and empathy is important and helpful, but ultimately, being generous with him in bed should balance out any sense of unfairness he might feel at "taking one for the team".