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Dang. Why would anyone not return your texts after such obviously fine bedly behavior? It's a first-class mystery.
Because that would be totally sweet if she thinks he has pin worms.
I'll bet he would never agree to that. A little finger up the ass while he is fucking a girl is one thing. But pegging, now THAT would be gayer than a french horn!
The bit about girls whose boyfriends keep fucking and fucking like the energizer bunny made me laugh. When my husband gets in that I can fuck forever mode, and I'm more than ready for him to be done, I slip a finger in his ass. Finishes him off every time.
So we both like a little ass play. I'm pretty sure neither of us is gay.
@2 -- almost. :-)
@Dan -- more of your vacation pics on SLOG, please!
My boyfriend hates his prostate touched. I forget that it's a thing with guys, but I would never think it was weird....in fact I think my boyfriend is a little weird! ;)
That first letter/response was adorbz, I must add. I also quite enjoy Tegan and Sara but my girlcrush is Aubrey Plaza all the way. I want to make sarcastic babies with her.
As long as I am grumping about the gays in this response then a pox on your house in the second letter for taking most of the butt play. Straight guys also have a prostate- who knew?
Meg: I thought being gay wasn't a choice." Lesbian Teen: Well not for guys."
That may get the biggest LMB I have bestowed since devising the acronym. It takes all my restraint to remember the circumstances and consider allowing the performer in question a mulligan after such biprimacism.
With numerous good reasons to cheer a bisexual identity, she has to resort to that clunker, which, if we recall the hypothetical room with 200 people from a month or two ago, isn't even accurate (unless, of course, she is advocating falling in love across orientational barriers)? I'll be inclusive and change the composition from 90S/10G to 85S/5B/5G/5A, which preserves the proportions of 9/10 and 1/10 being inclined beneficially towards a new bisexual entrant (not to suggest that the B/G/A proportions are equal, but this is a small sample size and I want to keep simple ratios), then a bisexual person will run into approximate ratios of 10:9 and 10:1, neither of which bears much resemblance to "twice as many".
For BUMMED-- Of all the quirks that might put a woman off, yours is totally benign. You're not asking her to do anything she might find distasteful. You're not demanding role play. You're not dependent on her reaction. You're not withholding anything that she likes. You're just doing something to yourself, and even there, it's only briefly. I suppose a woman might object since it's always possible that someone will object to something, but I can't figure out why she would. The chances are excellent that she's already run into some sexual practice that she thinks is much worse.
I suppose I disagree a little with Dan. He's suggesting that a regular girlfriend is in order because it means you could open up to her. I'd say it doesn't matter. You could open up to any of the women you're having sex with anyway. They could gossip because people do gossip, but I can't see that it matters much. Your secret isn't that big a deal.
The thing I'm wondering about is what's a professional snowboarder. People pay for that?
but just was looking at Davey Wavey's incredible youtube channel and for some reason youtube recommended a 2010 DaveyWaveyRaw video for me -- the one where he was called a faggot by a NYC street cleaner. And the homophobic troll comments are *still* pouring in on that one
And guess how the comments are presently running this week -- homophobic hater trolls associating interest in ass play, giving or receiving, with being gay! Guess this meme is not going to go away anytime soon.
DaveyWaveyRaw "Called a Faggot by Strangers":
But why are you labeling a mixed-orientation relationship as a barrier?
The more important issue, as with any relationship, is whether the two people are aligned- or non-aligned on monogamy, which is not necessarily more of an issue for a mixed-orientation relationship than same-orientation relationship, nor with a partner who is bi vs. other orientations.
Please consider dropping the term "barrier" as a blanket description for bi/non-bi relationships.
Barrier is more fitting (and even then, not necessarily) when referring to cross-species relationships with a fictional immortal omnisexual like Captain Jack...
Granted, kink cards don't need to be played with every random. But somehow I doubt liking to have his asshole tickled is going to kill his chances with the snowboard groupie set if it gets out.
But worrying your that your bros might think your gay? Sounds a little gay to me TBH...
I'm sorry, this is not considered benign - maybe the ladies here on slog (rightly) see it as normal and completely benign, but they aren't a representative sample.
Lesser columnists would say, "Oh no, your fellow snowboarders shouldn't believe that needing anal stimulation makes you gay. Just explain it to them." It like saying, "People who beat you up aren't your friends." It's TRUE, but it doesn't HELP. No one's going to change their minds just because they're wrong.
Whereas Mr. Savage offers BUMMED not only reassurance but also two different sets of actions he can take to solve his problem. Darn but that's why I read this thing.
Most of the time that's not a good response, but a case like this is the exception. It isn't a complicated problem, and I'd bet some of their enforcement of "norms" comes from ignorance of the diversity of sexuality. But if he just says that's the way he's going to roll, I'm sure most of them will roll with it as well.
Then she only found out what you were doing when she came up gasping for air. From her perspective it probably looks like you are trying to hide her (female) face so you can get off on your private (male) fantasy.
If any of your groupie/girlfriends think it's weird, tell her about all the female commenters on Savage Love who swear up and down that they've never come so hard as they did with that extra finger, and then offer to try it on her.
What I call a barrier would be a woman of any persuasion falling in love with someone genuinely not attracted to women (removing those who mispresent themselves, accidentally or otherwise). Granted, there are blue moon exceptions, but one wouldn't recommend setting out in search of one.
Had she said "crush on" instead of "fall in love with" I'd have had internal quibbles about biprimacy (and I lost sleep debating among several terms), but probably not enough to post. I'm willing to give her a mulligan, but I don't expect much to come of it.
This story really gets to the heart of it. The most remarkable and impressive thing in this article is how at age 8, and even 10, the kids are so comfortable, aware, articulate, and unashamed of who they are. it's the adults who want to put them in categories or in a shame-filled or traumatic closet. I wish we all had such self-possession. I hope they never lose theirs.
I agree, Dan is our First Dude of Love and Sex Advice, but it's sort of nice to read a different point of view - especially since we frequently get to hear bits of these folks when they hit the podcast. It's nice to get more information from them when they substitute.
#38, Agreed, I find guys who let you play with their butts are less likely to spring "surprise buttsex" (of the unlubricated sort) on you. Guys unwilling to take it slow guard their own buttholes like Fort Knox! It's all about empathy, dudes!
Bi/non-bi isn't a barrier. A bi male and a straight female may pair just fine.
But bi-interested-in-straight-member-of-same-gender or bi-interested-in-gay-member-of-opposite-gender are definitely barriers.
So while bi people double the number of people they could fall in love with, they do not double the number of people they can have reciprocal relationships with. The numbers, assuming 80% straight, 10% bi, 10% gay (this is meant to be illustrative, not accurate) are:
Straight: Attracted to 50% of population, relationships with 45% of population.
Gay: Attracted to 50% of the population, relationships with 5% of the population.
Bi: Attracted to 50% of the population, relationships with 50% of the population.
This isn't really an obscure book either - David has at least one New Yorker cover that I know of.
This isn't really an obscure book either - David has at least one New Yorker cover that I know of.
Excellent advice for BUMMED!
@53: I'd be curious to read David Heatley's novel!
@59: Did I miss something? Did you? Is there anything in this week's letters about "why pornography?"
Thanks for the dreams fellas...
I think if I spent less time wanking and more time on the slopes I would probably be a much better skier:)
For instance, I can admire the spirit of Ms Karlyle's post (even without counting the points I must give her for sharing the name of my late cat; he lived up to the name quite well and had very much the temperament of an Opera singer), I must hope that her Utopia doesn't become officially postgay, as Postgay, however grand it may seem while it's still in the box, always ends up defaulting back to Presumed Heterosexuality - every, every time.
I will grant you that it's not terribly productive, but just think if the first letter writer could focus on her desire for intimacy, romance, connection, and sex instead of adding "am I straight or bi or even a lesbian?" into the mix. It seems that her real issue is contained in the first part, not the "what is my orientation; why do I have a crush on this singer?" part. Or what if the second letter writer didn't worry about being thought gay and could be able to just say to future sex partners: "hey, I really like it when you stick a finger up my anus."
Your last phrase, "every, every time," is the last phrase of my all-time favorite novel, "The Pursuit of Love," by Nancy Mitford. Knowing some of your literary tastes, I wonder if it was deliberate or accidental.
It was a deliberate selection, but, as there didn't seem to be any connection to the letter, there seemed little point in making it explicitly clear. Perhaps, though, the LW might be inclined to take the Bolter for a role model.
@38 -it's a treat to find girls like you!
I think the older - more mature - men and women get, the easier it is for them to be comfortable with stepping a bit out of their norms. BUMMED is just unfortunate to be in a tight-knit, insular community of immature youngsters!
Really, at this point, @BUMMED, the best thing you can do is 'own it' and hope that your self-confident lack of shame helps open the minds of those young 20-somethings. Self-confidence is a huge turn on, right?
Keep up the good work, Dan, but there appears to be so much that needs to be done.
Here is some advise on discovering your sexuality. And that advise is..... Discover YOUR sexuality. I applaud the openness and acceptance these days but think WAY TOO MANY young people label themselves homosexual WAY TOO SOON.
I had had a a very fortunate sex life. Way more than a hundred lovers of both sexes but 90% heterosexual. Nevertheless, as a virgin I had two very passionate affairs and 45 years later (yes you heard that right) I am still friends with the woman who first seduced me. Nevertheless we have BOTH been married almost 40 years.
As a dancer I socialize with many college students and many of them identify as gay. Pleazze. When I was 20 I had no idea what my sexual orientation was but the thing is..... I didn't worry about it, I just DID IT!!! Still do. My last threesome was only a year or two ago. So stop worrying about it and join the fun.
I'm curious...does this, in fact, happen with "many" people? And, if so, is it just as common with males as it is with females? (My guess would be that it's more common with females.)
It's just that you do not want snowboard groupies thinking you're gay.
Oh, the problem of a young snowboarder: can get laid anytime he wants but can't divulge his finger-in-the-ass requirement to the groupies.
And why is it that some women conclude that a guy must be "secretly" gay if he likes his ass touched (or he likes anal sex)?
See my post at 13. ;)
(I am hetero-identified)
Here's an idea for BUMMED: if you're worried that some girl will spread gossip that you're gay and you'll never get laid again, that presumes you're not acting the sexual aggressor ever; you just sit back and wait to get hit on by female groupies. Why don't you pursue a woman or two yourself? If you are part of an insular snowboarding community, and people have witnessed you hitting on or hooking up with women, and have conversely never seen you with a man and no man is telling people about the hot date he had with you, I should think that people will come to the radical conclusion that you're secretly straight. If a girl that you've been with tells people that you must be secretly gay because you like a finger in your anus, someone is pretty sure to point out the obvious to her: that she--a girl--was having sex with you when she discovered this, and that no one can find a man who has had sex with you.
It sounds more as if it were you that is afraid having a finger in your anus means you must be gay.
Ms Cute - I am much more a Sticker (and here's a good one; the younger brother of two of my high school pseudo-boyfriends has just set up an office on the ground floor of my building), but I can appreciate proper Bolters with good flair.
Additionally, if I am unanticipatedly looking for a way to heighten my partner's experience, finger cots may not be my answer. By fumbling around in my side drawer for my finger cot and lube, then fumbling around his body with my presumably extremely short arms, I will have actually caused the whole episode to grind to a disappointing halt.
And lastly: in high school this het woman had a very serious crush on an amazing female classmate.
THIS type of comment is the main reason I am a long-time Dan Savage fan.
Twenty years ago I had an eight months long relation with my first girlfriend. Being a virgin, I really wanted to embrace all the sexual experiences I could get with her. After seven months, one night she asked me to have a serious talk because she can not hide any longer that there was something missing in our fucking: I had never cum inside her vagina. I got angry, I finished our relationship, we were trying to "fix" it for a couple of years, and nothing... Semen wont come out.
My issue? I did not want to get her pregnant. I did not want to stay chained to her in case of an accident. I did not want to stay with someone that I was not 100% sure I want others to see next of me. She was not the girlfriend I always imagined I would like to have. I was a total jerk to her and paid for that, even after I move on to a new relation.
It could be not so much prostate-stimulating fingering, but also so much people around you whose opinion you are afraid of.
Instead of focusing on all of them, get a girl that you can care about her opinion only. And if her opinion is that your ass fingering is not a big deal, or it is but in a positive way, you are going to be OK. If it is not, move forward.
Or try a boyfriend... if everyone around you is so interested on what happens in your bed, let them jump in and help!
PD: try to replace the finger for a second groupie's tongue. It seems there are plenty available, and the gossip's impact could be favourable to so valuable sexual reputation.
BUMMED could try stimulating his prostate by massaging (firmly) the area between his balls and his ass hole. I'm all for the grand coming out, but along with that, he could ask a girl (or groupie) to do the massage thing for him with considerably less squicky-ness on their part and have more fun ;) Works for my boyfriend!
Little known fact: most comments are from 15 WoW addicts pretending to be 27 year old bisexual libertines.
I have good sex - no complaints here. Oh except I think I pulled something last night.
I consider myself "straight" (I can admit when I'm boring) if you're curious to know.
I wouldn't be surprised if it was 'many'. "Girlcrush" is a relatively well-known term, is it not? Anyway short of googling you a study (which I'm sure you could do yourself better than I could) I can only tell you my impression that it is indeed common. A lot of my friends have mentioned the same sort of thing. Other comments such as "I'd go gay for her/him" or "I'd go straight for her/him" also fly around from time to time.
In fact, here's a great video on the subject:
Heh. Total scissor sandwich level three girl crush on her. <3
I can't speak for mydriasis and her friends, but the use of sexualized language to describe that kind of appreciation/admiration which females have always been encouraged and allowed to admit publicly to and for other females doesn't necessarily translate to a "crush" in the puppy-love/total infatuation/all-consuming thinking way that the word "crush" implies to some of us.
I think women and girls have always been more frank, honest, and upfront about being able to pronounce their opinions that another woman is beautiful or has a gorgeous body-part asset. If we're straight, I don't think we necessarily mean we want to have sex with that woman. So maybe this is a confusion that stems from nomenclature.
He appears to be really into maintaining the strict culture around boarding and getting what he considers to be his just rewards, aka lots of supposedly hot (but not SLOG-level aware) young chicks who then gossip about who did whom and what happened. That's the currency the other boarders use and he seems almost terrified to lose the ability to make more transactions if everyone thinks he's kinda gay. [Insert the old Seinfeld episode disclaimer.]
I think he needs to be persuaded of the beneficial aspects of cutting some of the bonds to the boarding set and then try to find a few women (yes, the W-word) on a kink site whose profiles would be compatible with his. He could still get as much action and it would actually be something he finds fulfilling.
Now if he would only stop acting like a douche when he's having sex (because there doesn't appear to be any consideration shown for his partners) ... but I'm pretty sure that'll be another letter.
Ordinarily I'm ALL for girl power---which seems to be the topic in this week's installment of Savage Love. But is it possible for David Schmader to find a vacation sub OTHER than Ann Romano to cover his Last Days column?
I'm asking you because I already posted on Ann's typically horrible "celebrity gossip rag" in this week's issue, and figure that maybe David's hearing from a fellow Stranger staff member might more effectively persuade him to find a better sub.
Thanks in advance, Dan, and Wayne---I don't give a shit if Dan reads this or not.
I understand the sentiment, but what noxious phrasing, probably LMB-worthy. Could you perhaps put your dominant personality to good use and institute a less troglodytic way of phrasing?
I wholeheartedly agree with you that women and girls have always been more free than men to express their appreciative opinions about members of the same sex. I think guys (straight guys) are held back from doing this by the old I-don't-want-them-to-think-I'm-gay fear.
By the way, I have a question for you. Could you email me at firstname.lastname@example.org ? Thanks.
Mr. Ven: From an LMB standpoint, I thank my stars daily that I don't have a social circle in which the phrase "I'd go gay for her/him" or "I'd go straight for her/him" is every uttered.