Columns Aug 15, 2012 at 4:00 am

Girl Power


whooooaaaaa! first?
wowzers. after all these years of reading this and i am first :)
Ugh. BUTT PLAY IS NOT GAY, people! If it was, straight girls and lesbians and straight guys and people who identify as anything but gay men wouldn't do it. We have some straight boys to educate!
P.S. I'd be happy to have that boy over to my place and peg the living hell out of him. No "oh, I guess I had an itch" bullshit required.
I for one, stick a finger in my ass when I masturbate - not because I have to, but because it makes it so much more enjoyable. It's not like only gay men get off on having their prostate stimulated.

I go to great lengths to hide it—push her head in a pillow, etc.

Dang. Why would anyone not return your texts after such obviously fine bedly behavior? It's a first-class mystery.
"I want to convince her I was scratching an itch or something."

Because that would be totally sweet if she thinks he has pin worms.

glbt @4

I'll bet he would never agree to that. A little finger up the ass while he is fucking a girl is one thing. But pegging, now THAT would be gayer than a french horn!

I sometimes enjoy having a butt plug in when I masturbate. It works for women, too.

The bit about girls whose boyfriends keep fucking and fucking like the energizer bunny made me laugh. When my husband gets in that I can fuck forever mode, and I'm more than ready for him to be done, I slip a finger in his ass. Finishes him off every time.

So we both like a little ass play. I'm pretty sure neither of us is gay.
Some gay/bi guys do not like anything in our butts. Not fingers, not tongues, not butt plugs, not yours and not mine. That does not make us straight :).

@2 -- almost. :-)

@Dan -- more of your vacation pics on SLOG, please!
Wow, he got the girl's famous crush to respond? I hope she's thrilled and not mortified, but I'm leaning more towards thinking she's thrilled....I hope. Dan personally knows my big celebrity crush (a certain comical fake tv conservative pundit) so maybe someday I'll get my letter tossed out to him for an opinion. I happen to think Teagan gave wonderful advice! I already love her music and now I know why.

My boyfriend hates his prostate touched. I forget that it's a thing with guys, but I would never think it was fact I think my boyfriend is a little weird! ;)


That first letter/response was adorbz, I must add. I also quite enjoy Tegan and Sara but my girlcrush is Aubrey Plaza all the way. I want to make sarcastic babies with her.
I want to tag-team Aubrey Plaza and Chris Pratt. You have to know April and Andy are the SWINGIN'EST couple in Pawnee.
22 y/o and never been kissed. This sounds like a more serious problem than the adoring and/or cute way Dan handled this. I assume he is trying to promote some gay singer or other and always thought that was in poor taste- promoting people just because they share your sexual functions? So it is OK if I only promote singers who are straight and only because they are straight? Didn't think so. Great advice to the letter writer anyway.

As long as I am grumping about the gays in this response then a pox on your house in the second letter for taking most of the butt play. Straight guys also have a prostate- who knew?
Crap you can't edit when your stoned. I got it- Dan used the singer because that was the 'crush' she was questioning her sexuality about. OK, it is still ridiculous- she questions her sexuality over some singer? However it is certainly not Dan being ridiculous. He is so sweet to this confused little creature. My 6 year old learned on family guy the simple truth:
Meg: I thought being gay wasn't a choice." Lesbian Teen: Well not for guys."
hola soy gay y quiero tener una relacion y enamorarme pero es muy dificil por que lo unico que provoco es sexo casual y no se como hacer para revertir tal situacion y siento que estoy perdiendo gran tiempo de mi vida intentando buscar al amor que en diferentes momentos logro deprimirme por tal situacion quiero enamorarme no solo sexo...
Honestly, I think Dan could have saved a lot of time by limiting his response to BUMMED to just that last paragraph.
[Maybe you'll like both—and yay if that's the way it turns out, because that means you have twice as many people to fall in love with.]

That may get the biggest LMB I have bestowed since devising the acronym. It takes all my restraint to remember the circumstances and consider allowing the performer in question a mulligan after such biprimacism.

With numerous good reasons to cheer a bisexual identity, she has to resort to that clunker, which, if we recall the hypothetical room with 200 people from a month or two ago, isn't even accurate (unless, of course, she is advocating falling in love across orientational barriers)? I'll be inclusive and change the composition from 90S/10G to 85S/5B/5G/5A, which preserves the proportions of 9/10 and 1/10 being inclined beneficially towards a new bisexual entrant (not to suggest that the B/G/A proportions are equal, but this is a small sample size and I want to keep simple ratios), then a bisexual person will run into approximate ratios of 10:9 and 10:1, neither of which bears much resemblance to "twice as many".
@12 Hey, PremiumSaltine, get in line! I get first dibs on fake pundit!
@19: Technically, Tegan is correct. She said twice as many people to fall in love with. She didn't say that love was likely to be returned.
Doesn't anyone else think Bummed's letter sounds like a classic fake?
11-Delta-- Brilliant. I couldn't have put it better.

For BUMMED-- Of all the quirks that might put a woman off, yours is totally benign. You're not asking her to do anything she might find distasteful. You're not demanding role play. You're not dependent on her reaction. You're not withholding anything that she likes. You're just doing something to yourself, and even there, it's only briefly. I suppose a woman might object since it's always possible that someone will object to something, but I can't figure out why she would. The chances are excellent that she's already run into some sexual practice that she thinks is much worse.

I suppose I disagree a little with Dan. He's suggesting that a regular girlfriend is in order because it means you could open up to her. I'd say it doesn't matter. You could open up to any of the women you're having sex with anyway. They could gossip because people do gossip, but I can't see that it matters much. Your secret isn't that big a deal.

The thing I'm wondering about is what's a professional snowboarder. People pay for that?
I was initially surprised that in 2012 even super-hetero-homophobic 20-something snowboarder groupies would be so backwards as to associate ass play with sexual orientation...

but just was looking at Davey Wavey's incredible youtube channel and for some reason youtube recommended a 2010 DaveyWaveyRaw video for me -- the one where he was called a faggot by a NYC street cleaner. And the homophobic troll comments are *still* pouring in on that one

And guess how the comments are presently running this week -- homophobic hater trolls associating interest in ass play, giving or receiving, with being gay! Guess this meme is not going to go away anytime soon.

DaveyWaveyRaw "Called a Faggot by Strangers":…
@19: yes, bi people do fall in love "across orientational barriers".

But why are you labeling a mixed-orientation relationship as a barrier?

The more important issue, as with any relationship, is whether the two people are aligned- or non-aligned on monogamy, which is not necessarily more of an issue for a mixed-orientation relationship than same-orientation relationship, nor with a partner who is bi vs. other orientations.

Please consider dropping the term "barrier" as a blanket description for bi/non-bi relationships.

Barrier is more fitting (and even then, not necessarily) when referring to cross-species relationships with a fictional immortal omnisexual like Captain Jack...…
@12 & 20: Surely there's enough pundit to go around. How about a nice foursome? And can he wear the naval admiral's outfit he's been wearing for Stephest Colbchella?
@26 I can share. :)
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say their may be more to BUMMED than meets the brown-eye.

Granted, kink cards don't need to be played with every random. But somehow I doubt liking to have his asshole tickled is going to kill his chances with the snowboard groupie set if it gets out.

But worrying your that your bros might think your gay? Sounds a little gay to me TBH...

So did Dan split his paycheck with Tegan this week?
Okay. I need to know: how the hell, @10, do you reach around to casually slip a finger in his ass without contorting yourself? Are my arms and fingers abnormally short? Is there an optimal position? Don't you get shit on your fingers? That would be my concern as the person being fucked by BUMMED: now your finger smells like shit!! Ew!! Clearly the assplay I've been involved in has been anticipated and cleaned up prior (and terrific that way, I might add).
I didn't know David Rakoff was also a visual artist (although his illustrations for "Fraud" should have given me a clue). Thanks for sharing that tumblr, Dan.
Snowboarder dude is no fool - it's not so much homophobia as fear of inadequacy, but IMHO, straight girls are the biggest enforcers of 'gender normative' behavior and receptive anal play - even just one finger, like the old one drop rule - is the sine qua non of "he wants to be the receiver".

I'm sorry, this is not considered benign - maybe the ladies here on slog (rightly) see it as normal and completely benign, but they aren't a representative sample.
Hi. I too like some manual digital manipulation of my own, but I prefer using a vinyl glove to do that. It's smooth and clean. I don't need to tweak my prostate all of the time. Just once in a while (not that any of yas asked! lol;) ) . I have an aversion to getting doody fingers, even if it's my own. I wouldn't stress it too much, BUMMED. You like what you like. Hopefully, whoever you're with is on your wavelength enough to accept it and to help out if need be.
@26 Did you see the dressage breeches? When he was prancing around with that horse head I was thinking it was apt.
And this is the real difference between the good advice columnists and the hacks.

Lesser columnists would say, "Oh no, your fellow snowboarders shouldn't believe that needing anal stimulation makes you gay. Just explain it to them." It like saying, "People who beat you up aren't your friends." It's TRUE, but it doesn't HELP. No one's going to change their minds just because they're wrong.

Whereas Mr. Savage offers BUMMED not only reassurance but also two different sets of actions he can take to solve his problem. Darn but that's why I read this thing.
@30 In an earlier column, Mr. Savage said (to a gay man) that "stinky finger" could be solved by slipping a condom on said finger beforehand.
@32 Chime on the straight women. However, the dude could totally do what lots and lots of other dudes do - he could own his sexual needs and say fuck off/grow up to the ladies who don't get it.

Most of the time that's not a good response, but a case like this is the exception. It isn't a complicated problem, and I'd bet some of their enforcement of "norms" comes from ignorance of the diversity of sexuality. But if he just says that's the way he's going to roll, I'm sure most of them will roll with it as well.
As a straight girl, I'm pleasantly surprised when a guy asks for some anal action (fingering or rimming-never received pegging requests). It shows that he's less uptight about sex and more likely to give me what I want (also usually anal action). However, shoving my head in a pillow-shoving my head anywhere-is a no go. If a guy shoved my head around, I wouldn't respond to his texts either.
Funky Monkey @30, I'm like you. I often find myself trying to get a finger in when we're in missionary, but I can't reach far enough around. Maybe we have short arms. People have recommended cowgirl and reverse cowgirl as good positions for a finger up the guy's butt. (Also works with BJs :-)
@7: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Maybe she isn't returning your texts because you tried to asphyxiate her with a pillow.
Then she only found out what you were doing when she came up gasping for air. From her perspective it probably looks like you are trying to hide her (female) face so you can get off on your private (male) fantasy.

If any of your groupie/girlfriends think it's weird, tell her about all the female commenters on Savage Love who swear up and down that they've never come so hard as they did with that extra finger, and then offer to try it on her.
Tegan & Sara crusher: Tegan is so right, sexuality is not black and white! When I was very young, my first sexual attraction was to female bodies- but as I grew older and had crush on boy after boy, I got so confused because I wanted to have relationships with boys but I really really wanted to have sex with girls. It's ok to have both! It's ok to have sex with everyone, every gender and body type, and to identify however you want to. You can be a lesbian who has sex with boys, or straight person who has sex with girls. You can be bi. I myself like to identify as just "sexual" because trying to assign a gender to my attraction is just too... complicated.
Ms Delta - You picked up on what Ms Biggie missed (as I covered her point), but you misread the post. I have nothing in particular against mixed-orientation relationships, and, if you do the math, you'll see I included them. A bisexual woman entering the room of 200 people as I configured it (more or less along the lines of the debate from a month or two ago) would have for the purposes of reciprocal attraction a pool of 100 from which to draw - 85 straight men + 5 bisexual men + 5 bisexual women + 5 lesbian women. A straight woman would have a pool of 90 and a lesbian woman 10, hence my ratios of 10:9 and 10:1. I was not speaking of matching orientations but compatible ones. And, if we can be completely silly and remove selection from consideration, that would leave our hypothetical bisexual woman with a 90% chance of a mixed-orientation relationship, which I'd not describe as a barrier but as a potential hurdle, taking as an example the Podcast call this week in which the caller's bisexual girlfriend insisted that his cheating with a woman was more threatening than her cheating with a woman. Not insurmountable.

What I call a barrier would be a woman of any persuasion falling in love with someone genuinely not attracted to women (removing those who mispresent themselves, accidentally or otherwise). Granted, there are blue moon exceptions, but one wouldn't recommend setting out in search of one.
Ditto #32. Straight women re-enforce the norm as much as anyone.
For both letters, it always boils down to me, can't people just be sexual? I mean really???? I guarantee you, that at any given moment in time, with the right person, you would be surprised what you might do. It's your life, don't let others define who you are or what you should like. Many woman can't orgasm with just a penis humping inside her. Maybe she needs a vibe on her clit or her ass spanked. How is that any different than a guy who needs his ass fingered, his nipples kissed, or his balls smacked. As long as it is safe, fun, and consensual.........have at it!!!!!!!! Enjoy yourself for once in your life, you have less time than you may think.
Ms Biggie - Technically possible, but I thank you, for now I feel like Elizabeth Bennet when Jane suggests that Charlotte's accepting Mr Collins' proposal might have been based on regard and esteem - if I really believed that to be her meaning, I should only think worse of her understanding than I now do of her heart.

Had she said "crush on" instead of "fall in love with" I'd have had internal quibbles about biprimacy (and I lost sleep debating among several terms), but probably not enough to post. I'm willing to give her a mulligan, but I don't expect much to come of it.
@44-I agree. Most of these problems boil down to labeling issues. Either a person doesn't know how to label herself, or is afraid of how he'll be labeled by others. Orientation, gender, kink, fetish, so many of the problems related to all these concepts seem to stem from a need on our own and others' behalf to name and identify, rather than to simply exist and experience. Even most of those of us who are accepting of many kinds of labels often feel uncomfortable if no label is allowed.

This story really gets to the heart of it. The most remarkable and impressive thing in this article is how at age 8, and even 10, the kids are so comfortable, aware, articulate, and unashamed of who they are. it's the adults who want to put them in categories or in a shame-filled or traumatic closet. I wish we all had such self-possession. I hope they never lose theirs.…
it makes such a big difference when dan himself is answering! they should simply suspend savage love when dan's vacationing.
#47 - No way!

I agree, Dan is our First Dude of Love and Sex Advice, but it's sort of nice to read a different point of view - especially since we frequently get to hear bits of these folks when they hit the podcast. It's nice to get more information from them when they substitute.
#32, If not for Savage Love I think would be terribly uneducated about gender dynamics in the bedroom. I think people, male and female, are better for reading it, and I refer friends when I can.

#38, Agreed, I find guys who let you play with their butts are less likely to spring "surprise buttsex" (of the unlubricated sort) on you. Guys unwilling to take it slow guard their own buttholes like Fort Knox! It's all about empathy, dudes!

Bi/non-bi isn't a barrier. A bi male and a straight female may pair just fine.

But bi-interested-in-straight-member-of-same-gender or bi-interested-in-gay-member-of-opposite-gender are definitely barriers.

So while bi people double the number of people they could fall in love with, they do not double the number of people they can have reciprocal relationships with. The numbers, assuming 80% straight, 10% bi, 10% gay (this is meant to be illustrative, not accurate) are:

Straight: Attracted to 50% of population, relationships with 45% of population.
Gay: Attracted to 50% of the population, relationships with 5% of the population.
Bi: Attracted to 50% of the population, relationships with 50% of the population.
Dan is such a cool guy. The first letter is answered by a crush and the second letter is answered much more nicely than any douche like the LW deserves. (Methinks Dan is more gracious toward the boys he'd like to bugger.)
I highly recommend David Heatley's graphic novel "My Brain is Hanging Upside Down" (Fantagraphics) David illustrates his ENTIRE sexual history in tiny panels and it is funny, moving and awesome. And though Heatley identifies straight (he has a wife and kids) he cops to finger-in-the-butt in a big way.

This isn't really an obscure book either - David has at least one New Yorker cover that I know of.
I highly recommend David Heatley's graphic novel "My Brain is Hanging Upside Down" (Fantagraphics) David illustrates his ENTIRE sexual history in tiny panels and it is funny, moving and awesome. And though Heatley identifies straight (he has a wife and kids) he cops to finger-in-the-butt in a big way.

This isn't really an obscure book either - David has at least one New Yorker cover that I know of.
Rest in peace, David Rakoff!
Excellent advice for BUMMED!

@53: I'd be curious to read David Heatley's novel!
I'm so sad about David Rackoff's passing. Thanks for letting us know, Dan.
Sigh. I'm such a fan, I misspelled his name. *Rakoff. While I'm here correcting myself, thank you for all you do, Dan. Humanity may be getting stupider, but not if you can help it.
So, BUMMED... I'm a twenty-something professional skiier. I understand the gossipy nature around ski hills. I get it that the cliques are hard to break into. I get the judgement and immaturity that occurs. I'm also gay, and completely out. Let me tell you - it's never been a problem, because I own it, I'm honest about it, and I treat others with respect. I don't try to be the cool guy - I just be myself. And guess what? People respect me for that. The homophobic comments you hear around a ski hill are all pretty baseless and representative of a lack of intelligence and vocabulary skills amongst your peers than an underlying homophobia. So own it. Don't be afraid to admit what gets you off. Say it with a cheeky smile, and challenge others to try it. They'll act disgusted, but I guarantee several of them will go and try it.
@46 At ages eight and ten, kids are also unashamed of treating their fellows like dirt. Adults may categorize them, but they also teach them not to impose their sexual behavior on others (when they can be convinced to drop their blinders and see that that's what the little darlings are doing). Now if we could teach kids to be civilized while teaching them that cruelty is what they should really be ashamed of...
@58: I don't see what your response has to do with the New York Times article I linked to. The issue was with labeling gender as well as orientation.

@59: Did I miss something? Did you? Is there anything in this week's letters about "why pornography?"
Here reading and lusting over all skier/skater/snowboarder boys with fingers in bums, on girl, on own, on boy....

Thanks for the dreams fellas...

I think if I spent less time wanking and more time on the slopes I would probably be a much better skier:)
Ms Cute - You know as well as I do that erasing all the labels ends up meaning that the dominant label wins and wins big by becoming the default nonlabel.

For instance, I can admire the spirit of Ms Karlyle's post (even without counting the points I must give her for sharing the name of my late cat; he lived up to the name quite well and had very much the temperament of an Opera singer), I must hope that her Utopia doesn't become officially postgay, as Postgay, however grand it may seem while it's still in the box, always ends up defaulting back to Presumed Heterosexuality - every, every time.
Mr. Ven, I don't know that we should aim for erasing all the labels (I concede your point), but I think that the anxiety that the labels produce (Oh no, does this make me gay? But I thought I was gay!) is at the heart of so many of these problems, and it sometimes seems that if we could aim more for description rather than prescription, we'd be better off as a species.

I will grant you that it's not terribly productive, but just think if the first letter writer could focus on her desire for intimacy, romance, connection, and sex instead of adding "am I straight or bi or even a lesbian?" into the mix. It seems that her real issue is contained in the first part, not the "what is my orientation; why do I have a crush on this singer?" part. Or what if the second letter writer didn't worry about being thought gay and could be able to just say to future sex partners: "hey, I really like it when you stick a finger up my anus."

Your last phrase, "every, every time," is the last phrase of my all-time favorite novel, "The Pursuit of Love," by Nancy Mitford. Knowing some of your literary tastes, I wonder if it was deliberate or accidental.
Snow boarder dude has given me an interesting idea. I think next time I am fucking my wife from behind, I might try sticking my finger up my arsehole to see how it feels. I reckon there's a 20% chance I'll either come much faster than usual or she'll comment on how hard I get. Sounds interesting either way. Yeah I've tried the finger up the bum while wanking, but its not massively exciting, although slightly interesting. Also I'm pretty sure I'm not gay - might be about 10% bi I suppose. Also I'm pretty sure I'm 99% monogamous.
Ms Cute - I'll agree there are certainly times to ignore or at least avoid concern with labels.

It was a deliberate selection, but, as there didn't seem to be any connection to the letter, there seemed little point in making it explicitly clear. Perhaps, though, the LW might be inclined to take the Bolter for a role model.
@venomminon? Ever take the Myers-Briggs test? I'm guessing you're an offscale P.
@37 - Yeah, he can "own it" like @57 - and I think @57 probably helps break down the walls or whatever. The thing is, really, at the end of the day, what does @57 care if the straight chicks aren't interested in him anymore?

@38 -it's a treat to find girls like you!

I think the older - more mature - men and women get, the easier it is for them to be comfortable with stepping a bit out of their norms. BUMMED is just unfortunate to be in a tight-knit, insular community of immature youngsters!

Really, at this point, @BUMMED, the best thing you can do is 'own it' and hope that your self-confident lack of shame helps open the minds of those young 20-somethings. Self-confidence is a huge turn on, right?
Dan, as many other sexual educators are some sort of Apostoles of our time, offering the world an open and fresh view of sexuality. This forum is, in itself, proof of the immense need for appropriate and useful information and the urgency for activists of sexual freedom, ownership and responsibility. I'm glad I live to deal with my own conflicts and have the chance to confront them and get to enjoy what I really need. I know today it's easier than before, but there's still so much to do. BUMMED's question is a perfect example: all parts of the human body are permitted, none is forbidden. A finger up your ass does not define you as gay. Still, plenty of people still believe so. Ask his groupies. He should feel free to enjoy his orgasms the way he wants to but his peers seem to think otherwise. This is the sad part of the story. I guess that we will continue to gain terrain for free, honest sexual expressions but there's still a lot of work to do.
Mr. Ven, I have always taken either the Bolter, Lord Merlin, or Davy as my role models.
I was a lass of 19 the first time a man asked me to insert a finger in his anus during sex. I didn't for one minute wonder if he was gay. I wondered if I could reach around and do it, and I wondered if my finger would get too dirty. But gay? Even in those long-ago, unenlightened times, I knew that that being gay is not about what sex acts you enjoy, but rather who you want to do them with.

Keep up the good work, Dan, but there appears to be so much that needs to be done.
I have to wonder what BUMMED would do if he ever found a girlfriend who was so open to different sexual activities that she would stick HER OWN finger up his ass and help him cum! Would he think she was a slut because she touched his ass, or would he have the sense to just thank whatever god or goddess sent him such a GGG partner?! Could it be that part of his problem is his need to label?
Here is some advise on discovering your sexuality. And that advise is..... Discover YOUR sexuality. I applaud the openness and acceptance these days but think WAY TOO MANY young people label themselves homosexual WAY TOO SOON.
I had had a a very fortunate sex life. Way more than a hundred lovers of both sexes but 90% heterosexual. Nevertheless, as a virgin I had two very passionate affairs and 45 years later (yes you heard that right) I am still friends with the woman who first seduced me. Nevertheless we have BOTH been married almost 40 years.
As a dancer I socialize with many college students and many of them identify as gay. Pleazze. When I was 20 I had no idea what my sexual orientation was but the thing is..... I didn't worry about it, I just DID IT!!! Still do. My last threesome was only a year or two ago. So stop worrying about it and join the fun.
I know many hetero-identifying people experience same-sex crushes,

I'm curious...does this, in fact, happen with "many" people? And, if so, is it just as common with males as it is with females? (My guess would be that it's more common with females.)


It's just that you do not want snowboard groupies thinking you're gay.

Oh, the problem of a young snowboarder: can get laid anytime he wants but can't divulge his finger-in-the-ass requirement to the groupies.

And why is it that some women conclude that a guy must be "secretly" gay if he likes his ass touched (or he likes anal sex)?
@ Roma (74)

See my post at 13. ;)
(I am hetero-identified)
@Roma: Straight woman here. Never had a same-sex crush. Ever.

Here's an idea for BUMMED: if you're worried that some girl will spread gossip that you're gay and you'll never get laid again, that presumes you're not acting the sexual aggressor ever; you just sit back and wait to get hit on by female groupies. Why don't you pursue a woman or two yourself? If you are part of an insular snowboarding community, and people have witnessed you hitting on or hooking up with women, and have conversely never seen you with a man and no man is telling people about the hot date he had with you, I should think that people will come to the radical conclusion that you're secretly straight. If a girl that you've been with tells people that you must be secretly gay because you like a finger in your anus, someone is pretty sure to point out the obvious to her: that she--a girl--was having sex with you when she discovered this, and that no one can find a man who has had sex with you.
It sounds more as if it were you that is afraid having a finger in your anus means you must be gay.
For those who are worried about stinky fingers, and especially @ 36: Don't waste a condom on that. That's what finger cots are for.
Ms Robin - You may be right, but I'll never know. I swore off psychological tests after my protacted battle against the therapeutic professions.

Ms Cute - I am much more a Sticker (and here's a good one; the younger brother of two of my high school pseudo-boyfriends has just set up an office on the ground floor of my building), but I can appreciate proper Bolters with good flair.
Thank you, @77, for the finger cots. Yes, I already have those for this express purpose. My bigger comment was more about how BUMMER likely wasn't using finger cots if he was sneaking around his back end on the down low. (And, @38: I wouldn't answer any texts either after being shoved into a pillow, that may be his biggest problem if he thinks that's okay.)

Additionally, if I am unanticipatedly looking for a way to heighten my partner's experience, finger cots may not be my answer. By fumbling around in my side drawer for my finger cot and lube, then fumbling around his body with my presumably extremely short arms, I will have actually caused the whole episode to grind to a disappointing halt.

And lastly: in high school this het woman had a very serious crush on an amazing female classmate.
Mr. Ven--what? This is the younger brother of 2 of your high-school boyfriends? You dated brothers?
"...You may not be gay, BUMMED, but you do need to come out."

THIS type of comment is the main reason I am a long-time Dan Savage fan.
Twenty years ago I had an eight months long relation with my first girlfriend. Being a virgin, I really wanted to embrace all the sexual experiences I could get with her. After seven months, one night she asked me to have a serious talk because she can not hide any longer that there was something missing in our fucking: I had never cum inside her vagina. I got angry, I finished our relationship, we were trying to "fix" it for a couple of years, and nothing... Semen wont come out.

My issue? I did not want to get her pregnant. I did not want to stay chained to her in case of an accident. I did not want to stay with someone that I was not 100% sure I want others to see next of me. She was not the girlfriend I always imagined I would like to have. I was a total jerk to her and paid for that, even after I move on to a new relation.

It could be not so much prostate-stimulating fingering, but also so much people around you whose opinion you are afraid of.

Instead of focusing on all of them, get a girl that you can care about her opinion only. And if her opinion is that your ass fingering is not a big deal, or it is but in a positive way, you are going to be OK. If it is not, move forward.

Or try a boyfriend... if everyone around you is so interested on what happens in your bed, let them jump in and help!

PD: try to replace the finger for a second groupie's tongue. It seems there are plenty available, and the gossip's impact could be favourable to so valuable sexual reputation.
For ANON, I absolutely identify as straight but have had a couple girl crushes that made me wonder a little. I think my confirmation (aside from fucking boys rather than girls and liking it,) was fantasy. Who do you think about when you masturbate? Boys? Girls? Both? I think it can give a fairly definitive answer.

BUMMED could try stimulating his prostate by massaging (firmly) the area between his balls and his ass hole. I'm all for the grand coming out, but along with that, he could ask a girl (or groupie) to do the massage thing for him with considerably less squicky-ness on their part and have more fun ;) Works for my boyfriend!
Readers of Savage Love are a community of people who have an above average interest in sex. But why do so many people who write comments experience so much bad sex? Is Savage Love just low-cost therapy?
"But why do so many people who write comments experience so much bad sex?"

Little known fact: most comments are from 15 WoW addicts pretending to be 27 year old bisexual libertines.
Snowboarders are the new fratboys, and those groupies have a really high place in your culture if you are scared they will tell yer boys about your freak streak. Very sound advice to stop exclusivly banging cum dumps.
I LOVE anal play but American men are ALL too uptight to let me play with them. VERY frustrating.
Ms Cute - Call it half-dated; that actually made brothers rather convenient. Quite a lot of my life would seem unrecognizable to most people, so many things twisted into different shapes.
Mr. Ven--It doesn't sound so unrecognizable to me. I just wanted to make sure I understood what you were saying.
mydriasis & nocutename, thanks for your responses. I've no doubt that some straight (or, if one prefers, "hetero-identified") people have same-sex crushes. I'm just wondering if it's "many", as the LW said.
@60 re @59: Ignore him. He's trolling.
I just heard the weirdest thing--has anyone else heard this? By now I'm familiar with lots of the rumors about Paul Rynan's kinks, but this is hard for me to believe: Ryan likes to make bulimics, regardless of gender, vomit on him from him making them gag with his dick. Is this even at thing? Is it possible that a top level candidate can get elected if this is true?

I have good sex - no complaints here. Oh except I think I pulled something last night.
@ 90

I consider myself "straight" (I can admit when I'm boring) if you're curious to know.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was 'many'. "Girlcrush" is a relatively well-known term, is it not? Anyway short of googling you a study (which I'm sure you could do yourself better than I could) I can only tell you my impression that it is indeed common. A lot of my friends have mentioned the same sort of thing. Other comments such as "I'd go gay for her/him" or "I'd go straight for her/him" also fly around from time to time.
I'm a straight woman but I've had a few girl crushes before. In the words of Jenna Mourey from Youtube "girls are just majestic fucking creatures". :)

In fact, here's a great video on the subject:…

Heh. Total scissor sandwich level three girl crush on her. <3

Roma, I think the problem is semantic. If you watched the Jennamarbles video that #95 linked to, you'll see a range of ranked girl crushes. But most of them aren't sexual or romantic, just highly appreciative.

I can't speak for mydriasis and her friends, but the use of sexualized language to describe that kind of appreciation/admiration which females have always been encouraged and allowed to admit publicly to and for other females doesn't necessarily translate to a "crush" in the puppy-love/total infatuation/all-consuming thinking way that the word "crush" implies to some of us.

I think women and girls have always been more frank, honest, and upfront about being able to pronounce their opinions that another woman is beautiful or has a gorgeous body-part asset. If we're straight, I don't think we necessarily mean we want to have sex with that woman. So maybe this is a confusion that stems from nomenclature.
I think it would be a huge shock for BUMMED to go from passing a bunch of (I feel) much younger girl groupies back and forth with his boarding bros to having ONE girlfriend, even if she's fully on board with his particular kink.

He appears to be really into maintaining the strict culture around boarding and getting what he considers to be his just rewards, aka lots of supposedly hot (but not SLOG-level aware) young chicks who then gossip about who did whom and what happened. That's the currency the other boarders use and he seems almost terrified to lose the ability to make more transactions if everyone thinks he's kinda gay. [Insert the old Seinfeld episode disclaimer.]

I think he needs to be persuaded of the beneficial aspects of cutting some of the bonds to the boarding set and then try to find a few women (yes, the W-word) on a kink site whose profiles would be compatible with his. He could still get as much action and it would actually be something he finds fulfilling.

Now if he would only stop acting like a douche when he's having sex (because there doesn't appear to be any consideration shown for his partners) ... but I'm pretty sure that'll be another letter.
Hi Bummed! I agree with Dan. I'm a bisexual sub female who loves fucking her hetero male Dom (who loves being fucked). I don't think he's gay or think of him any less for it. He's told me he'd probably be embarrassed to tell a girl he'd only recently started seeing that he's into anal sex. I'd never told any guy about my utter desire to fuck men. So when we eventually got around to telling each other our interests, we connected even more. We felt safe because we knew and trusted each other. If girlfriend life is not for you, you should perhaps check out kink sites, you might find someone who is also interested in anal play AND snowboarding whom you can meet up with. Good luck! :)
Hey Dan,

Ordinarily I'm ALL for girl power---which seems to be the topic in this week's installment of Savage Love. But is it possible for David Schmader to find a vacation sub OTHER than Ann Romano to cover his Last Days column?

I'm asking you because I already posted on Ann's typically horrible "celebrity gossip rag" in this week's issue, and figure that maybe David's hearing from a fellow Stranger staff member might more effectively persuade him to find a better sub.

Thanks in advance, Dan, and Wayne---I don't give a shit if Dan reads this or not.
mydriasis, you (and the LW) may be right and it may indeed be "many." I was just curious. Regardless of how common it is overall, as I said above, I feel that it's probably more common with females than with males.

[Other comments such as "I'd go gay for her/him" or "I'd go straight for her/him" also fly around from time to time.]

I understand the sentiment, but what noxious phrasing, probably LMB-worthy. Could you perhaps put your dominant personality to good use and institute a less troglodytic way of phrasing?
nocutename, you also may be right in that, even if "many" people have same-sex crushes, most of them aren't sexual or romantic.

I wholeheartedly agree with you that women and girls have always been more free than men to express their appreciative opinions about members of the same sex. I think guys (straight guys) are held back from doing this by the old I-don't-want-them-to-think-I'm-gay fear.

By the way, I have a question for you. Could you email me at ? Thanks.

@102: I agree that women have been freed from the worry that they will be presumed to be lesbians if they notice, appreciate, and comment-upon another woman's looks and attractiveness. Although depending on the micro subculture of anyone's particular community, that is more or less acceptable. Many straight men seem to be crippled by the fear that they will be considered gay if they even admit to noticing whether or not another man is good-looking. Which is, I think, a tremendous shame.

Mr. Ven: From an LMB standpoint, I thank my stars daily that I don't have a social circle in which the phrase "I'd go gay for her/him" or "I'd go straight for her/him" is every uttered.

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