Columns Aug 21, 2013 at 4:00 am

Kinky Kid


Good call on the guy with missing fingers, Dan. My initial reaction was "Man the fuck up, you whiner". (MTFU for those times when you don't feel like writing it out.) If a woman is so shallow that she can't get past a maimed hand, she's probably not worth knowing anyway- but it's more likely that they're responding to his personality.
The advice to DIMI is spot-on.
DIMI, it really isn't as big a deal as you think. My dad's (a butcher) cut several of his fingers off, loosing one permanently, and it really hasn't effected him much in the long run. (side note: Whenever the kids at my elementary school would stare he'd pretend he was picking his nose with his missing finger then "pull" it out and wiggle his stump. A few cried, but most laughed and it wasn't as awkward after that.)

Anyways, be glad it was just a few fingers and try to give people a chance. Sometimes the momentary shock of first noticing something like a physical disfigurement can make people act/look inappropriately, but after that most people become use to it.

I admit as someone in a customer service industry, sometimes I read people wrong and end up offering help and offending them or treating them like there's nothing wrong and offending them (or their friends/loved ones). So be honest about how it affects you while remaining upbeat and you should be fine.
While the advice to DIMI is basically good, take a moment to look at your right hand and mentally remove 2.5 of the fingers you see. That would be a shitty change to wake up to, indeed. Not as bad as having your leg blown off, but definitely worse than having your heart broken or the other minor traumas most of the rest of us have experienced. So we don't have to exactly fall over ourselves to give Dan the big high-five on this one.
My uncle's missing half a finger - his right index. He still uses the remaining stump to point with, especially whenever he was scolding one of us kids back in "the day" - it guaranteed we paid attention. He's never had a problem with the ladies because of it, because he has confidence and a sense of humor. Man up DIMI.
Great advice on first letter except (always a but, right?) -- the parents should be very careful about finding a non-judgmental therapist. Most sex therapists / AASECT certified types do not see children.

Most non-sex therapists at the doctoral level have only a few hours of training in all of human sexuality, there is no course-specific sexuality training requirement it's usually wrapped into physiology, LGBT and diversity issues.

i.e. they are likely to be as clueless as the general public. A significant minority are judgmental about kinks / will get it wrong.

In California master's level therapists have to do more formal course work than doctoral level psychologists in human sexuality (go figure). "More" = 10 hours. That's about 1/4 of a typical 3 credit, 45 hour undergraduate sexuality course. Not exactly a lot. If an AASECT sex therapist in your area won't see children, ask one for a referral to a colleague who will be willing to consult.
@4 I'm pretty sure most of us have lost a loved one (or will), that we'd be more than happy to give those 2.5 fingers to bring them back from the grave. And DIMI was ASKING for a honest, cuddle free response/reality check. So no, I really don't feel sorry that Dan took the time to respond to his letter out of the thousands he gets every week to give DIMI some tough love.

DIMI, you're alive motherfucker- so go live already.
It's not "kleptomania" if he's only stealing one type of thing for a specific purpose! This guy's a PhD research psychologist? Fuuuuuck.

Add people like DIMI to the list of reasons why prostitution should be legal.

"I do not understand why prostitution is illegal. Why should it be illegal to sell something that it's perfectly legal to give away?!" --George Carlin
I have some surgical scars on my chest. They're very minor, no big deal, nothing that could be called "Disfiguring" by any stretch of the imagination. BUT... I have had a few women see them and make faces of non-joking disgust and go "Eeeeeew!", and it's a very odd, painful, and dispiriting form of rejection.

So while I agree 100% with Dan's advice to DIMI, I can also sympathize with the kid and see where his shitty attitude came from (Natural drama-ness of age 19 + Still not recovered from high-school teasing & thinking everyone will view you that way forever + A few bad bedroom experiences + limited experience at life/love = thinking you are the Elephant Man).
@4 And yes, I know I'm being dismissive of someone else's struggle with something I've never personally experienced. A thing I try to avoid as much as possible, but people can exaggerate problems to themselves creating a problem within the problem. I'm horribly guilty of this myself. Sometimes telling yourself to stop whining and deal with it is better than drowning in self sorrow. And in lieu of that, having someone else do it can be just as helpful as well.
DIMI, there are guys coming back from war missing arms, legs and all kinds of body parts. I've seen some of these guys give interviews and they are so driven and motivated to not let these horrible injuries hold them back in life - one guy (I think he lost an arm and a leg) recently got married. Seek out some of these stories and start focusing on the people who say they can, despite their handicaps.
A bit hard on DIMI, Dan. Give him a break- he's only 19 and has just been through the hell of Jr/High school. Of course he's not met any woman who's looking beyond skin-deep! Things aren't much better in college at 19, either.
DIMI- hang in there, get yourself out there, and work on thickening up your skin.
As for the kinky kid- why not buy the kid a bag of pull-ups for personal use, give him the 'privacy matters' talk and move on? As others have said, most of us did some strange sexual things at 14.
@ Missing fingers. You now have a hand that is a multipurpose sex tool. Think of the excellent angles you can get fingering most orifices. I have worked with people who have a diverse mental, emotional and physical abilities (known to others as "disabilities") and guess what? They, with few exceptions, are paired off. Some have degrees. Some own businesses. All are getting some. It's not about the fingers, but they could be hot- it's about the rest of you. If the rest of you is irresistible, seductive, playful and confident-who on earth would be thinking about your fingers? (Except how the shorter ones might hit the G spot or rub the vulva just right.) Good luck.
My older brother was born with only two fingers on his right hand. He's had close to half a dozen partners over the years (he's almost 30) and at least three long term relationships. I realize it may be easier on someone born that way to deal with, but I can tell you that if you don't let it get in the way of your sex life, it won't.
I lost a finger at 17, and while it did give me a few moments of embarrassment, it never once made me think men wouldn't want to date me because of it. It's only a finger, for god's sake. Same would apply to 2.5 fingers.
It would suck to be physically disabled. DIMI sounds like he is making a big deal out of a relatively minor thing though. I know two people with missing digits. One a husband and father, the other a successful lawyer. She is a crap pianist, but that's due to the fact that she has absolutely no talent, rather than a minor disability.

Mental scars are difficult to conceal. There are few "gloves" you can use to hide severe traumas.
Re PISS, I think the important things to stress to the kid is that:
1) the parent will commit to the therapist for a year (anyway, a good chunk of time), and
2) the therapist does not work for or report to the parent.

The hard part will be sticking to that, when the therapist tells the kid it's okay to do something that bugs the parent. Parents tend to think the therapist will back them up, but in fact the therapist probably has to provide a real alternative to the parents in order to get the kid to open up.

However, I have only second-hand experience with this issue, so if other people have more informed opinions, I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts.
Missing fingers is hot. It just is. Mark me down as one of those who would be into him - so long as he doesn't present with a pathetic attitude about it. Also, spin a few funny "war" stories. I knew a guy with one nut who would tell tall tales about shark attacks taking the other one. Laughter will turn any woman on - even if she doesn't fetishize a minor disfigurement like I do.
@8- because he would be so much happier bitching about how he can "only" fuck hookers ? I don't understand your point.
@11- I am with you, he needs to start telling women he lost it in combat, hot and cold running tail, nice.
Oooooooooookaaaaaaaayyyyyy......mine is a completely different topic, but Dan would otherwise justifiably advise me (like DIMI) to get the fuck over it, already, so here goes:

In addition to my much improved health and diet, I have ALSO called it quits on my disrespectful older siblings and surviving relatives. Sadly, what I believed to be true years ago really has happened after the passing of our beloved parents (the Elmer's Glue of our family): still no respect from my surviving older family members and relatives. Apparently being born the youngest---especially an unmarried, childless female like me---is supposed to be a lifelong "curse" (read: getting stuck with all the caregiving, housework, babysitting, etc. etc., while everyone else gets to live his / her / their lives totally carefree).

So, to make this story mercifully short, I have chosen to put mileage between myself and my ungrateful "elders" after 48 years. So far, I have dumped 40 lbs (GREAT new diet!!) as well as a ton of unnecessary baggage. Life's too short to waste on family "reunions" only to forever be stuck on KP.

Thanks, Dan, and everyone, for letting me unload.

We now return to PISS and DIMI.
p.s. And YES---after calmly deleting a scathingly condescending email from my brother this morning, I have officially gotten the fuck over them.
Geez, as someone who often wonders what to do with my un-used pinkie and ring finger whilst vigorously fingering my partner's vagina, I can see a silver lining in DIMI's cloud...
Best piece of advice to DIMI is in the last sentence. Don't blame on your lost fingers what can be perfectly well explained by just being 19.
If DIMI IS in counseling, it, or he, is not working. He needs to find another counselor/group.

It's hard to imagine, with the attitude he presents, this isn't affecting more than just his love life, and the only way this will change is if HE takes the necessary steps to change his attitude.

In reality, if he gets himself out into the world, ten years from now he'll probably have adjusted on his own. That's how the mind generally functions.

But DIMI, dude!, why waste one of the best decades of your life waiting to mature into your physical situation?

Ultimately, ONLY YOU can change your attitude. Others can try to help, or even hinder us, but our attitude is one of the VERY FEW things in life over which we each have COMPLETE control.

Good luck!
@15: You lost one finger, not half of those on a hand.

Also, and more importantly, you're a woman. That is an enormous difference.
This is for the diaper letter: I fear that there may be something more at play here. It seems likely that it's a weird paraphillia, but I think the kid could use a physical from a doctor with a standard chem 12 blood test. There are a number of conditions that can afflict a fourteen year old boy and cause either leakage or plain incontinence. I'm not sure the kid isn't trying to cover up an issue and is ashamed enough to play the 'freaky' card to get out of what's really going on.
My younger brother was born missing 3 fingers on his left hand. He gets plenty of chicks (and the occasional last laugh on douchey customers). It's all about attitude.
I once hooked up with a pretty unattractive dude who had hands that looked like claws. he basically had 3 big weird fingers on both hands. but you know why i hooked up with him? he was cool as shit & made me laugh & i didn't care about his weird fingers while we were getting down or any other time, really. attitude goes a long way & i hope dimi can realize that soon before he grows old & bitter.
My next door neighbor lost a foot in an accident at nineteen. I married her about 7 years later. I'm not a fetishist, but I am into interesting people, and I enjoy helping her out a bit when needed.

Things will get better, DIMI, but only if you let them.
My next door neighbor lost a foot in an accident at nineteen. I married her about 7 years later. I'm not a fetishist, but I am into interesting people, and I enjoy helping her out a bit when needed.

Things will get better, DIMI, but only if you let them.
one of THE most popular kids at my high school had a genetic disorder which left him with no right hand. in fact, his arm ended at the elbow and he had a tiny pinky finger on the end. he was a soloist in the jazz choir, in tons of clubs, ASB vice president and never had trouble with the ladies. you know why? he was awesome. he was smart and personable and so very nice and he also had one other special thing: a sense of humor. he used to draw a face on his little appendage and perform "the mister pinky show" on long bus trips, he wasn't one bit ashamed or self conscious about his arm. so neither were the rest of us. some people are calling dan out as harsh--DIMI asked him not to be coddly and therapisty and to be his same old dan self. and dan was. and dan was right. if we all pitied 19 year olds for being 19 years old and coddled that whiny entitled 19 year old shit---would they ever grow up? no. someone asks for truth and no pity and when they get it, people respond with criticism and pity about the lack of pity. pity sucks. it was the very thing the writer did NOT want. false and condescending mary-sunshine bullshit. yes it sucks to lose an appendage, have a scar, amputation, palsy--visible identifying mark that sets one apart--but the truly crippling thing is one's own mental outlook and self-pity is never a turn on.
Hey, DIMI/LW #2:

I want to echo what @ #25 has said. I think you need a new counselor or shrink, or whoever you're seeing. Although I think their point was true - as we age, we *do* tend to love people for who they are & mebbe a little less for their surface - it seems clear from how you took what they were saying, that you don't jive with them or their tone. They're not reaching you or helping you. Seeing a therapist isn't like a marriage. It does take a lot of work to build trust, but if you're feeling like no progress is being made, this is your life & you should ask for a referral to someone else.

You're likely gonna hear a lot of people in this comments thread saying: "Oh, you should be fine eventually. Why *my friend* has no legs/is blind/etc situation much worse than you, & is dating just fine." I'll preemptively add to that dogpile. ;) A dear pal's sister has a disorder where not one, but both, hands are sort of malformed. Instead of 5 fingers, she has 4 on one hand, & 3 on the other. The middle fingers of both hands kinda grew together. If you ever see the super-old TV show "Land of the Lost", it's kinda like Sleezstack hands or Mr. Spock doing Live Long & Prosper, hands. She learned to work with her hands successfully enough that they determined the only reason to have surgery would be cosmetic. A lotta people stared & were mean to her, etc, as she was younger, but she developed a ton of attitude (in a good way) & she's smart & pretty also. When I think of her, I don't think about her hands, because that ceased to be an issue about 5 minutes after meeting her. Although I could tell that she heard other people's jibes, she didn't act weird about her hands, so it felt like my acting weird woulda been off, selfish..IDK. Anyhow, she dated different guys, & now she's engaged & happy, & as lovely as ever. You can say it's different for men & women, but society places a high value on a woman's appearance as well..& as usual, I digress. I'm happy for her.

DIMI, I hope a few months or even a year or two from now, when you've worked through your situation, that you write back to let us know how you are. :)

Good luck with working your way through healing.
My first thought was to take inventory of all the people I can remember with missing fingers or weird hands and recount how they've fared with their sex lives, but that got boring, and I can see others have done it.

Then I thought of Rahm Emanuel. That led me to google on "list famous people missing fingers". The first hit, Who2 Biographies, was kind of interesting for all the musicians on it, but the celebrity on the list most pertinent to this discussion was Dr. Alex Comfort. DIMI, you're only 19 so you'll have to look up who he was. I think you'll find his life story and the book he wrote enlightening.

But here are my real thoughts on the matter: You're hiding something, and it's not what's under the glove. You've got some insecurities that have nothing to do with fingers. If anything, the missing fingers are a convenient excuse so you don't have to do the sort of soul searching common to 19 year olds. As long as you can blame your hand, you don't have to face all the other reasons women might reject you. It's easier to wallow in self pity than to work on what's wrong with you whether that's selfishness, a kink, or being something of a jerk.

Here's the good news. Even if the problem weren't something you could fix, a few years go by, and the odds get better. Right now, the women are pretty immature themselves. They're all clamoring for their images of the perfect guy. In a while, the perfect guys will be taken, and the women will start settling for the less than perfect ones. Just bide your time.
Am I the only one who thinks that the first letter writer should be very careful who they pick as therapist for their child lest the therapist think he's actually interested in his sister (assuming that he isn't actually)?

On the other hand, I agree it would be worth it to get him a physical as that was my other first thought. That's not to say that he's not doing it for the reason we have at face value, but it'd be a shame to overlook a potential medical issue.
One of my kids had a thing for diapers when he was about that age. He didn't soil them, but he liked to wear them. I sent him to see a therapist, because I was afraid he was turning into a pedophile or something, but the therapist assured me it wasn't anything like that. He was just discovering various aspects of his sexuality. Many years later, after he came out to his father and me as gay, we talked about it briefly and he said his diaper thing was a way of recreating the security of early childhood....
MIDI, Dan's being a dick but you yourself sound this close to becoming one permanently. So if he pissed you off too much for you to hear him, find someone in your life who will give you the same good advice in a less abrasive fashion than he did (and a less pandering fashion than your counselor did). There's a guy on The Real World right now with almost no hand (congenital deformity) who's getting laid left and right and, like most of the cast of that show, he's a complete douche. I think a touch of his "Oh, the hand thing, so the fuck what? I'm the shit in spite of it. Hell, I'm the shit BECAUSE of it." arrogance (and the "My perseverance over adversity is SEXY, motherfuckers!" perspective) would do you good. Think unique asset, not certain dealbreaker- if some dudebro refugee from trash television can do it, so can you.
And PISS is not a klepto; he's just a kid exploring an unusually expensive aspect of his sexuality without independent income. Don't criminalize it on top of stigmatizing it.

Auntie Grizelda @21,22: Brush your shoulders off, girl.
I had a friend in college who, due to a birth defect, was born without most of her fingers. She'd had surgeries to build functioning fingers from other bones (i.e. one of her thumbs started out as her big toe). Her hands were literally a work of art! And more to the point, she was hot, confident, and funny. We were never single at the same time, but I would have dated her in an instant if the opportunity had come up.

My guess would be that DIMI has little to no sexual experience yet (consistent with being a whiny teen) so hasn't realized yet that almost no one decides to date or fuck someone based solely on looks. In fact how good you think someone looks can be strongly influenced by whether you already want to fuck them. Chemistry lives somewhere much more complicated. On the other hand self pity is a universal turn off...
Toddler pull-ups and Baby alive doll diapers? How skinny is this kid?
@41: That was my thought!
@DIMI - Self pitty is self indulgence. Dan is spot on - just get the fuck over yourself.

Insecurity, which in my experience tends to be driven by egocentrism, will do far more to drive away people than any number of missing fingers. And confidence (not arrogance) is very attractive.
@4 - This guy didn't lose his fingers yesterday. He doesn't need a hug - he needs to get on with his life. Someone always has it worse and someone always has it better, we can either live the lives we have or be miserable wishing we had a different one.
The finger thing is NO BIG DEAL. That guy is a huge wuss. There was a guy I knew in college who was missing almost his entire right hand. Not only was he on the basketball team, he got a ton of chicks. He even used it to his advantage, he had a couple of "tricks" he did, and had a few one liners that everyone loved.
The guy who lost his fingers may sound like a whiner, but I can relate. I'm a gay guy and had testicular cancer so lost one of the boys in my mid-20's. It fucked me up in the head more than in the body.

It took me a year before I would date someone, and whenever someone broke up with me I assumed that was the reason, which was stupid because people broke up with me before it happened and I broke up with them so what's the difference.

My misfortune was that I ended up dating a psycho who was hot as hell and would always say stuff like "You're lucky I put up with a defective guy like you". I don't know if there are equally cruel women out there, but DIMI should be ready just in case. My fucked up young mind just thought "oh well, this is how it's going to be" until I dumped the asshole.

It was a psychological struggle but I met the coolest guy ever BECAUSE I STARTED ACTING LIKE IT WAS NO BIG DEAL then eventually came to believe it was no big deal then, and only then, did I stop feeling sorry for myself. Long story short, we got married when it became legal again after 15 great years together.

P.S.: GO SEE A THERAPIST DIMI. A COGNITIVE therapist can help you reprogram your brain. Shit happens to us in life that we can't do anything about. You're wasting too much time on something you can't change.

I dated a guy in high school who lost a couple of finger due to sticking his hand in the spokes of a bike wheel. It's not a big deal unless you make it a big deal.
Hey, missing fingers guy. Straight woman here. You’re wrong. Your very minor disfigurement doesn’t sound offputting to me – not at all. Your self-pitying, whiny tone, on the other hand, does. What a stroke of luck that the second thing (unlike the first) is easy to change.

When I was a teenager, I had a huge crush on an older boy at school who had the middle finger on his right hand amputated at the first knuckle, and the forefinger pretty mangled-looking. The hand was neither attractive nor unattractive; his attitude, however, was part of his charm. He played guitar and squash, was just as likely to raise his right hand as his left when he had a question, and had no self-consciousness about it. This made me like him more, not less. Someone else I think is perhaps made more attractive than less by his amputee status: the comedian Adam Hills. Not because of the thing itself, but because of his attitude. (If you’re not familiar, YouTube him). And he’s missing a whole leg.

Really, no bullshit – a little thing like that is no problem at all to any decent woman, if you just don’t make a big deal of it yourself, and perhaps even manage to have a sense of humour about it. Byron had a club foot and he was beating them off with a stick. Oscar Pistorious was dating a model (I know it didn’t end well, but you take my point).

There may be a few shallow women in the world who would be put off, but who wants someone like that anyway, right? If a girl isn’t into you because of that, consider yourself lucky to have dodged a bullet, and look around for someone nicer. You’re lucky, in a way – you have a first-rate asshole filter. And don’t fall into the trap of thinking that if a women rejects you, it MUST be because of the hand – all men, “whole” men (your phrase not mine – it’s a stupid phrase) get rejected sometimes. Nothing more unattractive than a bitter man whining that he’d be swamped with girls if only he was more handsome / was rich / wasn’t short / whatever, blaming women for his problems and sliding further into misogyny every day.

Picture the best women you’ve ever met – the most beautiful, the most interesting, the most fun etc. – the one you’d be with if you could be with anyone. If you haven’t met your dream girl yet, picture your favourite movie star or whatever. Would you automatically not want her if she lost a couple of fingers? Come on.

The only man who isn’t “whole” – who neither I nor any women with any sense would touch with a ten foot pole – is the one who is bitter and self-pitying; who is a misogynist douche; who is sexually selfish; who has no fucking sense of humour; and so on. Please, please, don’t turn into one of those idiots who turns some tiny flaw (as you see it – repeat, if I liked a man I wouldn’t even perceive it as a flaw if he didn’t) into an excuse for everything that goes wrong in his life. We all have problems; we all sometimes find that the men / women we like don’t like us. You’re not special; you’re not inferior either. You’re a human being, and if you’re a decent-looking one and a good person, you’ll find a great woman. Dan’s right – get over yourself, get out there, meet women. (Don’t wear gloves in non-glove-wearing weather, though. That’d look creepy, like “what’s this guy hiding?”). Good luck.
Dude I know a couple of men in your situation (missing fingers) and they never had any problems dating. I'd suggest any lack of women in your life is much more likely to be related to your nasty, angry, aggressive attitude than your hand. Just from reading your letter, I'm really glad I don't know you personally; you sound extremely unpleasant to be around.
I've got a homeboy that lost two and a half fingers. Not through an accident, but through reckless stupidity. He's never stopped meeting and banging women.
I actually did have sex with someone with a missing finger. But he also didn't have a chip on his shoulder. If it's no big deal to you, and she likes you, it'll be no big deal to her.
@37, good advice for PISS. Thanks for writing about your son's experiences: "he said his diaper thing was a way of recreating the security of early childhood...."
DIMI, how many disfigured girls have you asked out? How are you going to "help the cause" of the mangled and disfigured?
Your disfigurement could actually turn into a badass story if you wanted to mess and joke around with it. Many of us are disfigured. I, for one, have gynecomastia (breasts) and I also have a bleeding disorder that makes surgery to correct my having breasts so prohibitively expensive that I will most likely never have the surgery. If you want to talk about something that will repulse women and result in serious shaming as a man, try having a nice set of tits on for size. There's no badass story I can come up with for that.

You, on the other hand can be like, "Yeah, I was climbing a mountain when the the part of the glacier I was standing on gave way and went sliding down the mountainside. I had to throw my icepick into the something stable as I fell, but the rope wrapped around my fingers and completely destroyed them." When the girl is like, "Really!? That's insane!" you can say, "No, but it's a pretty awesome story, right?" You'll both laugh, and she'll think it's awesome how you had no trouble joking about your hand and will probably never think about it again.
Weird. DIMI's letter reminded me that I've dated two guys with finger oddities. My high school boyfriend (together 2 1/2 years) was born missing the first knuckle of his right hand index finger. We all did stage crew together and he liked to freak out the freshman by telling them he lost it to a saw.

I also dated a guy in my twenties for about a year and a half who had an extra tiny thumb on his thumb. He hardly ever called attention to it and most of my friends didn't even notice, even after shaking hands with him. He liked to joke that it was his claw, because he was a Cancer.

Anyway, it certainly never occurred to me to not date or sleep with either of those guys because of their finger oddities. I hadn't even thought about them (the fingers, not the guys) in years until I read this letter.
@39 lolorhone: Thanks. I'm trying to. The only thing that hurts anymore is my complete loss of respect for my sibs and older relatives.
But you're right---it's time to move on.
Who knows, maybe the the missing fingers have given him the built in shocker. No hand cramps folding back those middle fingers.
Ms Grizelda - Good for you. Turning the seventh cheek to the people who spanked the first six is highly overrated.
100% with you Dan on the whiner. And frankly, he probably did come to you for that. As a person with a physical handicap I HATE when people baby me and don't tell me to STFU like they would anyone else.

I have an eye with no muscles, over which I wear an ocular prosthesis. I managed to score myself 3 very sexy husbands with fabulous careers and good manners and large dicks. (over time, I'm a serial monogamist not a poly chick). I have never had a problem getting laid. I have a buddy in a wheelchair who despite being paralyzed in his legs gets more pussy than most guys I know, for a variety of reasons. (He showers regularly for one, is respectful for two, truly enjoys women and sex for three, girls feel safe with him for four, he has a great personality and is always the one having fun and a good time for five... I could go on?). I have a friend with a missing arm thanks to a shitty farming accident... didn't change the fact he was a sexy, sexy, sexy man who married the cheerleader. If you're not getting laid DIMI, it's not due to your fingers.
Am I the only one who thinks this diaper thing from PISS could be entirely nothing to do with sex? I'm sorry but if my 12 yr old daughter could get her shit together enough to buy tampons to avoid the horror of telling her parents she menstruated (she's super, super private) and hide her cycle for months, you'd think this kid could buy some fucking pullups? Maybe I'm weird but I'm sensing a kid jealous about younger step/half siblings and having issues about growing up/not being a kid/going through puberty possibly.

He could indeed just be a big ol' perv. He could also be having some fucking ISSUES.
Tony Iommi from Black Sabbath does OK for missing parts of two fingers on his fretting hand so get over yourself DIMI
DIMI should watch the film Murderball. Paraplegics are getting laid left and right in that movie.

"Stealing from the neighbors is the main reason, you can tell your stepson, that you've decided to bring him to see a therapist. A good psychologist can then explore the reasons for his kleptomania"

I stole food all the time as a teenager because I was broke and wanted food. This is a terrible fucking idea that will screw the kid up more than dropping the issue.
Ha! That guy missing fingers really is hilarious. I'm sure he is far more aware of their absence than anyone else. As a woman who has happily dated a man with fewer than ten fingers, I agree with Dan that he needs to get over himself. It's really a fairly innocuous disability. He's 19, for fuck's sake! Get out and meet some people...I can't imagine anyone who would actually consider that a deal breaker.
Helix@63, you think therapy is a terrible idea, or saying that the therapy is to fix the stealing? I think a 14 year old wearing diapers might benefit from a few conversations with a non-judgmental adult.
DIMI, that's why you always leave a note.
Re: the missing fingers: When I walked my dog, I regularly came across a guy who was pushing his toddler daughter in her stroller. It was after work every night, so we saw each other often. One day we were talking, and I just happened to notice his daughter had a finger missing. It broke my concentration for a moment, and it was obvious, so I just 'fessed up and said, "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to stare, I just noticed she's missing a finger, and it caught me by surprise, no big deal."

Then he went on to lament how worried they were that she'd be shortchanged in life and harshly judged by others, would she get to do everything she wanted to do, etc. It was PATHETIC. Dude! IT'S A FUCKING FINGER! And it's not even her thumb, so she can still hitchhike!
I have never dated a man because he had all his fingers.
DIMI, that huge chip on your shoulder is WAY more unattractive than a couple of missing fingers. Lose the chip, and the fingers won't really matter.

I was born missing two fingers on my right hand. My hand is functional but deformed. The people who dare say anything are usually mildly curious about the cause. Most are indifferent.
Throughout my life I've always wanted to keep my hand out of sight until I made a first impression. When I asked my wife how she reacted to my hand, she answered that most of the time she never notices anything is different.

The only time a woman was clueless enough to mention something was when I was taking her deposition and she mentioned that although I seemed charming, had she encountered me on the street she wouldn't have given me a second look because of my hand. That was one of many comments she made that revealed the shallowness of her character.
In conclusion, people worthy of being in your life won't do anything other than a cursory acknowledgement because they all have their own shit to deal with.
Just finger her with your left hand. Problem solved
DIMI, man, you really need to stop focusing on your missing fingers and start focusing on your attitude.

When I was in school, my longest-term crush was on a boy who'd been born with a deformed hand that only had a kind of vestigial thumb.

When I was in my mid-20s, I dated a guy who'd been born with no thumb.

I never actually thought about what it meant that they weren't "whole." I just really liked them.

Maybe you're just not likable?
For the kid post you can get cloth diapers from babykins they make all kinds in his size. He will pay for them out of his chore money .He will wash them and be responsible for keeping things clean.
The cloth is cheaper in the long run. There are a lot of children that started out this way they could not get them so they take them its better he be open about it then learn hide things from you both If you handel this righthe will come to you for other things that you should know. The most important thing is don't make a big thing out of it . You can't cure it the imprint is all ready there balance is needed.check out a disc site for info. Good luck my brothers boy did this that is how I know.
DIMI, It is all in your head. Move forward with confidence, and everything will work out. I had no disfigurements and could not get laid in my teens, not early 20's. Hell, I was an attractive guy. It was not until I got some confidence and changed my attitude that I started to get laid, and find myself in relationships.

In my 40's I was divorced and had tons of trouble dating and getting laid again. I would have taken almost any girl. It was not until I built up my confidence, learned about becoming a man, and learned that I would only be interested in very special (smart/funny/attractive/compassionate) women and could not be bothered by the others, that I realized my attitude had made me attractive enough to pick and choose.

Don't worry about your looks. Worry about your inner-game! As Dan has implied and said, don't worry about getting laid today, worry about making yourself the kind of guy women (or men) want to date sleep with. And that has nothing to with your fingers. You take what you have and make it the best you can- physically, mentally, socially and emotionally.
Yup. Pretty much thinking that if DIMI is having trouble getting a date, it's because he's bitter, angry, and self-involved.
I had the same issue with the diaper thing when I was 13, and it was not related to any kind of kink or fetish. I was very stressed out and under a lot of pressure to succeed from my parents, and wore diapers as a way of reverting back to a childlike state, free of the mounting pressures that went along with growing up.

So Wendy is right, this might be a fetish or it could be related to a deeper psychological issue like what I faced.
Dan, isn't it possible PISS's kid is a bed wetter who steals the diapers to deal with his issue, and is embarrassed to admit he is still wetting the bed at 14? (When I first read the word "soiled" I was thinking of more substantial diaper filler, but it appears that he's just getting them wet.)
Missing fingers, he has an advantage! Look up Annie Sprinkle! How come no one has addressed what an awesome fister this guy could be?! Holla!
I once dated a woman who had a deformed right forearm. She had a great personality and was hot as hell. She could play a mean tennis game with her good arm. We were co-workers and I left to got to college. She coulda been my babymomma!!!
For the kid post you can get cloth diapers from babykins they make all kinds in his size. He will pay for them out of his chore money .He will wash them and be responsible for keeping things clean.
The cloth is cheaper in the long run. There are a lot of children that started out this way they could not get them so they take them its better he be open about it then learn hide things from you both If you handel this righthe will come to you for other things that you should know. The most important thing is don't make a big thing out of it . You can't cure it the imprint is all ready there balance is needed.check out a disc site for info. Good luck my brothers boy did this that is how I know.

My grandfather lost one of his fingers when he was a little boy. He went on to Marry and have 7 children. His lacking of a finger had no effect on his life at all.

when I was a child he used to do this funny slight of hand trick where he would take off his finger and put it back on again. As a 4 year old, I loved it. When I was 5 I figured out that he was just showing me the other hand.
For the kid post you can get cloth diapers from babykins they make all kinds in his size. He will pay for them out of his chore money .He will wash them and be responsible for keeping things clean.
The cloth is cheaper in the long run. There are a lot of children that started out this way they could not get them so they take them its better he be open about it then learn hide things from you both If you handel this righthe will come to you for other things that you should know. The most important thing is don't make a big thing out of it . You can't cure it the imprint is all ready there balance is needed.check out a disc site for info. Good luck my brothers boy did this that is how I know.
You put your case more bluntly with DIMI than I might have, but there's plenty of truth in it. I'd add that a lot of people who deviate from conventional norms in any way, large or small, often gripe about their lack of success with their preferred gender, but fail to note that their own dating preferences are just as (arbitrarily) discriminatory. Regardless of the physical trait, some people will respond positively, some negatively, and some neutrally.

I'm a hairy butch woman who's mostly into dudes, so I've met w/more than my share of rejection (mostly, I'm just completely invisible/read as a lesbian to my preferred demographic). I've done my share of whining over the years, usually when in the throes of sexual frustration, and have received similar advice - "get the fuck over yourself, so many people have it way worse" - many times. Thanks to having spent most of my adult life in the unusually progressive Bay Area, I've dated and had relationships with several men who have been considered conventionally attractive over the years, but I've also tried to be a bit more open-minded. My current partner (who is cute & has a great body) has dwarfism, and I can guarantee that he gets harassed and gawked at far more times in an hour than DIMI does in a week. It took me a few months and a lot of soul-searching to get used to all the (mostly negative or perversely curious) attention, and any woman who dates DIMI may have to go through her own process, but you're right: on the disability spectrum, a few missing fingers is pretty dang minor. I've personally found that having a partner who also deviates from societal expectations is easier for me because there's a shared understanding of being an outlier of sorts, though obviously our experiences have been very different.

DIMI's best bet, when asked questions, is probably following the lead of my FTM friends whose chests bear top surgery scars: either be honest and non-apologetic about their source or come up with a story so hilariously ludicrous ("shark attack!") that they'll realize it's a sensitive topic & wisely change the subject. If you treat your hand like something you've come to terms with, chances are that women won't see it as a barrier to getting to know you better.
Good advice on the accident kid. It's his attitude and smoldering resentment that's turning everyone off. The anger he projects would certainly scare little kids. Little kids just feel free to comment on anything they find odd about your appearance (I know). If you let them they accept you. Good you gave him a dose of anger. He needs to know how it feels, and the effect he's having on others.
Two words for DIMI:

Alex Minsky


My grandfather lost one of his fingers when he was a little boy. He went on to Marry and have 7 children. His lacking of a finger had no effect on his life at all.

when I was a child he used to do this funny slight of hand trick where he would take off his finger and put it back on again. As a 4 year old, I loved it. When I was 5 I figured out that he was just showing me the other hand.
That's adisc. org
For kid wearing diapers
We got a lot of info on that site
Making a problem out of a problem is a big problem.
DIMI--I'm currently dating a guy missing a finger. It's a literal battle scar. He's a Marine veteran. I think it's hot. It's not a fetish for me or anything but a part of who he is and his experiences. And Dan is right--self-pity and loathing is the ultimate turn off.
Hi! I'm new here! Well, I've been lurking for a bit.

Anyhoo, for the young man w/missing fingers, more stories of success and overcoming and big-time attitude adjusting. My uncle lost his arm in a childhood accident. He could do anything...fenced in college, drove, carved a turkey at Thanksgiving, etc. Married well and had a family and a successful career. It all helped that he was gorgeous, charming and kind.

Speaking of successful careers, google David Drake, who is a well-known East Coast chef. He blew off one hand in a fireworks accident, if memory serves. Dude has amazing knife skills and has had a few very beautiful wives. No doubt he had to work through much of what the LW is dealing with. So deal with it and get the guidance you need to get laid and get on with your life.
My grandfather lost 3 1/2 fingers on his right hand in an oil field accident as a young man. He was a handsome dude with an attractive down home country boy way. He never suffered with the ladies, marrying twice. When he would shake my hand as a child, he'd rub the stub of his middle finger across my palm because he knew it freaked people out. That was a man who was confident in his disability.
BTW, he once went on a date with the Black Dahlia (no, we don't think he killed her).
@56: I had a father and have a brother that hardly lived up to the terms. They pretty much failed me and, in the case of my brother (my father's been dead for years) continue to fail me in every way family can. I wish I had a dependable sibling right now and I wished I had a decent father when he was alive. The pain from that is no joke. But knowing in your heart that it's not you who caused the conflict/distance goes a long way to restoring equilibrium. It seems you're getting there and I commend you for your progress and wish you well on the rest of your way.
In this column, Dan delivers advice to a man with a fucked up hand. In the same edition of the stranger, a discussion of pigeons with fucked up feet. Coincidence? You decide.…
I don't understand the first letter. I'm glad his parents are so cool, and hopefully they will either a) get him help (or support or whatever) and b) get him a job to pay for his diaper needs...but:

1) baby doll diapers are about 4" - 6" wide when closed - how could that fit him (ditto toddler pull ups, which are at least bigger but usually if they fit a toddler they are not made to fit bigger kids.

2) how on earth does he get into a neighbor's home to steal diapers? The stealing is way more disturbing than the use of diapers. Maybe it's the stealing he gets off on?

3) baby poo diapers smell, even when in a Diaper Genie. I'd think teenage poo diapers would stink up a room after a day or two something awful - enough that there is no way he could hide what he is doing, ever! Why would he not hide them in the trash can in the garage or dispose of them somewhere like a public dumpster?

To the first guy: I know a few women who would be turned off by missing fingers. I know a few women who would be turned on by missing fingers. The vast majority of the cute just-post-college-age women I know wouldn't really care one way or another. They WOULD care, very very much, about your insecurity. I know I would. Confidence fixes 90% of physical flaws.
I once dated a woman who had a deformed right forearm. She had a great personality and was hot as hell. She could play a mean tennis game with her good arm. We were co-workers and I left to got to college. She coulda been my babymomma!!!
Django Reinhardt. He was missing a couple of fingers. You think he had trouble getting laid? Hell nah.…
DMI -- everyone here seems to have a story of someone like you who is awesome, funny, and does just fine romantically. I won't add the two I know of. I am concerned that DMI used the word "disfigured"; that's the kind of word my therapist would ask me to unpack if I dropped it.
Actually, I think LW#1 needs to WOMAN UP.
Since I started with my online business, I earn $62 every 15 minutes! My best friend has been averaging 11k for months now and he works about 20 hours a week. I can't believe how easy it was once I tried it out. The potential with this is endless. This is what I do,
Love your advice to the teen with the missing fingers. It's been five and a half years since his injury, well long enough to have come to terms with what is in fact a minor disfigurement. His real handicap at this point is his self-pity, and that? Is ENTIRELY in his control. After all those years, his self-pity is an excuse for his failure to try, and a self-defeating self-indulgence.

Well called, Dan!

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