MONDAY, OCTOBER 28 This week of ambitious smuggling, legal whiplash, and the news-making smell of cat pee kicks off with an awful scene in Seattle, where just after 6 a.m. on Capitol Hill, a man was found dead in the street after being run over by a Metro bus. The location: Pine Street between 11th and 12th, mere feet from the police precinct. The man in the street: 23-year-old Peter Cooper. "The determination of the cause and manner of Cooper's death is pending further investigation," the Seattle Times will report. "Seattle police are investigating the possibility that Cooper, who was found dead after being hit by a bus on Capitol Hill, may have been down in the street before the bus got there."
•• Meanwhile in Texas: Filibustering pro-choice senator Wendy Davis and many other Lone Star feminists rejoiced as a federal judge ruled that the new abortion restrictions passed by the Texas legislature are unconstitutional and halted implementation of the law, which would've banned abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy and forced a third of the state's abortion providers to close. "District Judge Lee Yeakel wrote that the regulations violated the rights of abortion doctors to do what they think is best for their patients and would unreasonably restrict a woman's access to abortion clinics," reports the Associated Press. However, state attorney general Greg Abbott, a conservative with designs on the gubernatorial mansion, "was expected to file an emergency appeal of Yeakel's order to the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals in New Orleans." (He'll get to it tomorrow.)
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 29 The week continues in Estill Springs, Tennessee, where today a 65-year-old man is free on a $125,000 bond after allegedly firing his shotgun at teens who were toilet-papering a neighbor's yard. Details come from the Times Free Press, which reports the blessedly nonfatal hubbub went down on the evening of October 20, when a group of teens decided to toilet-paper the lawn of Huntland High School principal Ken Bishop. It was all fun and games until the shenanigans caught the eye of Dale Bryant Farris, a 65-year-old neighbor of Principal Bishop, who allegedly grabbed his shotgun and began shooting at the teens, one of whom was hit in the foot, knee, hand, thigh, and torso. "He got peppered pretty good," said Franklin County Sheriff's Office spokesman Sergeant Chris Guess of the 15-year-old victim. "The problem is they were not on his [Farris's] property and they were not doing anything to his property." Farris faces charges of aggravated assault and reckless endangerment; the principal declined to press charges against the teens.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 30 In lighter news, the week continues in the nostrils of a bunch of Dell computer users, who were shocked to discover that their Latitude 6430u Ultrabooks came preloaded with the smell of cat pee. "Customers first raised the issue with Dell's high-end business laptop in June," reports the BBC, citing the number of users who initially blamed their cats. "In September, a customer known as Malioz raised a concern that the cause of the problem could be to do with the polymer used in the laptop plastics, and asked whether chemicals causing the smell could be a health hazard." After investigating the claims, Dell announced the smell was neither a biological contaminant nor detrimental to users' health, but simply a problem in the manufacturing process (that, to confirm, involves no cats). "If you order an E6430u now, it will not have the issue," said Dell support technician SteveB, adding that owners of existing cat-piss computers should send their laptops in for replacement palm rests.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 31 The week continues with Halloween, which Last Days will ignore in favor of two stories of ambitious alleged drug smuggling. Story number one comes from 35 feet beneath the US/Mexico border in California, where DEA agents found "one of the most sophisticated underground drug smuggling passageways ever discovered, complete with electricity, ventilation and an electronic rail system," reports the New York Times. "The tunnel, which was shut down Wednesday night after several weeks of surveillance, took about a year to build, the authorities said. Three people were taken into custody, and federal agents seized eight tons of marijuana and 325 pounds of cocaine they said was connected to the investigation." Meanwhile in Canada, a woman was arrested today at Montreal's Trudeau International Airport, after a scan of her luggage revealed three pumpkins stuffed with what the Canadian Border Services Agency believes to be nearly two kilograms of cocaine.
•• Meanwhile in Texas, Senator Wendy Davis and many other Lone Star feminists gaped in horror as "three days after a federal judge blocked a new Texas law that threatened to shut down many of the state's abortion clinics, the United States Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit, in New Orleans, reversed the decision, saying the rule should take effect while the case is argued in the months to come," as the New York Times reports. "With Thursday's ruling by the Fifth Circuit, it appeared likely that the issue will eventually be decided by the Supreme Court, part of the continuing battles over how much states may restrict the right to abortion granted by Roe v. Wade in 1973."
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 1 The week continues in California, where this morning a man took his semiautomatic rifle to Los Angeles International Airport and started shooting—killing a Transportation Security Administration employee, wounding two other people, and freaking out thousands. The suspected gunman: 23-year-old Paul Ciancia, who was taken into custody after being pursued and shot by the Los Angeles Airport Police. "Ciancia wrote in a signed note he carried with him to the airport that he targeted TSA officials and 'made the conscious decision to try to kill' because he wanted to 'instill fear in your traitorous minds,' according to a federal affidavit outlining the charges against him," reports ABC News. Charged with the murder of a federal officer and commission of violence at an international airport, Ciancia could be subject to the death penalty. Stay tuned.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 2 Nothing happened today, unless you count the midair collision of two small planes over Superior, Wisconsin. Silver lining: The planes were full of skydivers, all nine of whom extricated themselves from the wreckage and parachuted safely to the ground. (Both pilots made it out alive, too.)
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 3 Nothing happened today, unless you count the attempted blowjob at HUMP!, The Stranger's annual amateur porn fest, which you can read about in Loose Lips on page 27. HUMP! continues this weekend at On the Boards.